Newlife4me Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Hello, just joined today, really need advice. Facts : Married for over 18 years, Married young. Children: 3 girls 1 boy. Ages: 21,19,17+, 7yrs old. Wife Same age as me 41yrs old. To really tell my story, I have to start in the beginning. When I was dating my wife I was young and really free, I was dating Her and Two other girls at the time, She just happened to be the one who got pregnant, and I did like her very, notice how I didn't say "Loved" her. I wanted to do the right thing, so I moved in with her and her parents at the time and started to work two jobs to support her and the baby that was coming. We had our first child which was a girl, and found out soon after that she was pregnant again, really stupid on our part, but we were young and didn't know any better, Then my son was born, 2 years after my son was born, We found out she was pregnant again with our third child...I worked hard, had 2 jobs and was trying to do the right thing, So I married her before our third child was born, We wanted a better life for our kids so we decided to move from the West Coast to Northeast part of our Country. She had family and I left all mine behind, to start a new life together. Since that time, I gave up all my family to be with her and My kids, I really don't regret the move, because I wanted the change, 3 months after I moved my Father died in a Horrible Traffic accident, I had to go back myself to his funeral and leave my Mother once again to start my life over with my New wife and kids. Since then I have had very little contact with My entire family, I really don't speak to my brothers at all, anyway I am going off track with this story. Now it's been almost 14 years since my move and I have build a life that my family would have been proud of me, but I have always been unhappy, Deep inside myself, I wasn't in Love with my wife, I just got married for my Parents sake and I wanted to do the right thing, I wanted my kids to have a father in their lives, Over the years I have dranked socially with only One good friend that I consider a brother to me. Without his friendship I would have left My wife years ago, he was the one who kept me going and tried to convince me that my marriage was worth fighting for. All these years I tried loving my wife, but just could never be able to, emotionally. I could never say the words "I love you". A few years past and the kids were getting older, I have provided them with a very good life that I never had, good schools, clothing, and a good roof over their heads, Our marriage was a big joke, I couldn't stand being near her, I tried to fix our marriage many times but her attitude sucked and her thoughts about life weren't the same as mine, we are like oil and water together. I tried getting her to go out with her friends, but she chose not to have any close friends, I was her life, I on the other hand was very sociable, went out with a lot of friends that now I consider family to me, Her attitude about life sucks, she complains about her looks and her weight issues, I tried helping her out with gym memberships, and even going out with her walking, but her attitude is the same, nothing makes her happy. I have stayed with her only for our kids sake, I know that's wrong now, I was going to leave her seven years ago, but we found out that she was pregnant again, with our fourth child, after that I got a vasectomy, I did not want any more children with her, I should of gotten years ago, but was planing on leaving her anyway, but too late a very drunk night turned out bad. I started to realize that drinking wasn't the path I wanted to go anymore, so I changed my life, I have tried to be healthier, tried to be positive about my life now, but she keeps bringing it down, its at a boiling point now, I don't blame all our problems on her, because I haven't been the perfect husband either, I cheated on her several times, and admitted it to her, at the time I was still trying to save my marriage and asked for her forgiveness. Our relationship now is a business marriage, No love. I cant take it anymore, I had asked for a divorce last spring, but once again tried to fix something that I cannot fix, Now my friends and family are hurting from my unhealthy relationship with her. We don't hate each other we just cant be married to each other anymore, I guess I just wanted to vent our to strangers because I can't vent out to anyone anymore here, I just need the strength to make the change now and stop kidding myself.
2010_Sorry Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Happy New Year Newlife! I understand the way you are feeling about your marriage, as well as your wife. Love goes through several phases in a relationship, in the beginning there is a lot of lust and passion, which I'm sure you both shared. Once this phase wears off, you experience less lust and passion, but the true feeling of what love is. It is trust, concern and patience.... It is comfortable. I truly believe that your wife's attitude is because she is still dealing with your infidelity. If a couple cannot work together on determining the reasons why you cheated, what caused your marriage to be vulnerable, etc. You both suffer in the relationship. You have built a wonderful family with this woman. She is struggling with your marriage too... Lean on her, talk to her, tell her how you feel.... For better or worse, remember? I hope you don't find my response too harsh. I'm a big believer in making marriages work... They're not easy... But when you put forth the effort, there is nothing better!
robf1971 Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I wasn't in Love with my wife, I just got married for my Parents sake and I wanted to do the right thing, . With all due respect, this sounds like a crock of sh*t, have you given her the "ILYB" speech yet? Sounds like a classic history rewrite. I would guess you've met someone else, go on you can be honest on here.
robf1971 Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I cheated on her several times . at the time I was still trying to save my marriage . A contradiction in terms. She should have kicked you to the kerb man,.
Author Newlife4me Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 We are both same age, she has always worked, I do not keep her down in anyway shape or form, I encourage her if anything. As far as child support, I never said that I wouldn't, I am a father, i love my children with all my heart. If anything I want full custody or at least 50/50. I will never default on my responsibilities as a father I am not that way, My problem is my marriage "NOT" the kids. I forgot to mention we have separated before, and tried to work it out, as far as trust, she lets me do whatever I want to, I am not chained to her hip, she has no issues letting me out, nor do I look to cheat on her every time I go out. I am human, I too have feelings, I never said I was proud of what I did. I fessed up to it, Hey I could of continued it and never said a word. Believe it or not I still care about her, she still is the mother of my children, she will always be apart of my life, NO matter what. I just want to get out of the relationship with little sanity I have left, I want her to be happy, We both share most of the bills together, Money isn't the issue here its...the fact that I don't love her and I am tired of this charade.
Author Newlife4me Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Your right Penny...I was waiting after the holiday's to give her the divorce papers, I am going to help her get her apartment, lets face it no matter what I do, I will be the @ss anyway. I understand the whole women hating men for not paying their child supports, I hate it too when men don't take care of their responsibilities, I pay taxes too, my money goes out to these pathetic losers who love to take women to bed and never pay a dime of child support to their children. My situation is that "ALL" my children are grown up except "ONE", she is seven, as far as support I will always be their dad and if they need me I will always be there "NO MATTER WHAT".... I am just telling my story so maybe I can get some kinda Understanding and feedback, bottom line I feel really terrible about the affairs, In a deep depression state now. I gave up a lot for her, and she just doesn't appreciate what I have done for her, if you want to feel sorry for her, then that's your decision, but "YOU" don't have to live with her, I do, "YOU" don't know the things she has done to make my life a living hell. ........I JUST WANT OUT... talking to you guys helps me get my frustration out and realize "ooh" my god I need to change my life even more now, its affecting my health and my children.
Graceful Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Our relationship now is a business marriage, No love. I cant take it anymore, I had asked for a divorce last spring, but once again tried to fix something that I cannot fix, Now my friends and family are hurting from my unhealthy relationship with her. We don't hate each other we just cant be married to each other anymore, I guess I just wanted to vent our to strangers because I can't vent out to anyone anymore here, I just need the strength to make the change now and stop kidding myself. A loveless is marriage is not a marriage, it is a charade, as you already know. I, for one, support your need to divorce your wife, and to get the wheels turning as soon as possible. Irreparable damage has been done. There is no turning back, not for any of us. What's done is done. To re-hash the same thing over and over with your wife has already been done, it did not work, it never will, it's time to end it. You're ruining your health, both physical and mental, the stress is killing you, I mean, what more is there to say? It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. So what if they think you're the "bad guy", you know the truth, you are admitting your faults and that you are part of the breakdown, but you have also stuck it out a lot longer than many people would, and for what? Your kids, in part. To save face. Out of guilt. Because you thought you could fix your marriage. Because. Because. Because. There are some things in life that just reach a dead end. We each have to take responsibility and be accountable, and know when we are the one who has to turn around the direction of our lives. Who wants to spend every last precious day of their lives in a disharmonious, acrimonious, dysfunctional, painful, disappointing, frustrating, dreary, tedious, repetitive struggle?? Enough, already. Stop beating yourself up. You screwed up, so did she. Bottom line, it doesn't work. Not for either of you! Have I made myself clear? We all have a limited amount of time on this earth. Shouldn't we choose to spend as much of it as we can on things that are uplifting, joyous, enriching, nourishing and nurturing? My situation is that "ALL" my children are grown up except "ONE", she is seven, as far as support I will always be their dad and if they need me I will always be there "NO MATTER WHAT"....You have four wonderful children that you love and that love you, what more could anyone want? So your marriage crumbled. Ok, so that sucks, but it's not the end of the freaking world. You have raised your children to be good humans, you love them and are proud of them. If that isn't something to hang your hat on, I don't know what is. I am just telling my story so maybe I can get some kinda Understanding and feedback, bottom line I feel really terrible about the affairs, In a deep depression state now. I gave up a lot for her, and she just doesn't appreciate what I have done for her, if you want to feel sorry for her, then that's your decision, but "YOU" don't have to live with her, I do, "YOU" don't know the things she has done to make my life a living hell.I don't feel sorry for you wife. You have both made mistakes. You've done the best you can. I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING by any measure. But what's done is done. You do not sound like a serial cheater who went out and cheated b/c he intended to leave his wife. You sound like you were using sex to numb the pain you were in, and b/c you needed affection and attention you were not getting at home. It is no excuse, but you could just as easily started to take drugs, drink, eat, or any other abusive behavior. You did it to numb the pain you were in, and you know that. Forgive yourself for all the crap you put your wife through. You have tried. You've been beating your head against a wall for years, it has come to a point of no return, you have stressed yourself out so badly that you are going to need all the strength you have to get through this final step. ........I JUST WANT OUT... talking to you guys helps me get my frustration out and realize "ooh" my god I need to change my life even more now, its affecting my health and my children.I'm happy to hear you say this. It does help to vent. It does help you to clarify and know that you're not a bad person. You have done bad things, but you are not a bad person. You're a good person, in a terrible situation that has gone on too long. You're going to change directions. Don't kid yourself into thinking the divorce alone will fix all your problems. You will have a long journey of recovery ahead of you, but you will recover, and I assure you, your world will be a lot brighter, not only for you, but for your wife. I commend you for taking this step. Take care.
Author Newlife4me Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Thank you....I was reading your post comment and it was like looking into my life through someones eyes. You hit the nail on the head. Your words will be embedded into my mind forever. God bless.
jenifer1972 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 You need to move forward here. I think also that the damage is too great. At this point you are not at zero, but way in negatve numbers and to unpoison this pond? Unlikely. Procrastinating on divorce in your case is like postponing cancer surgery because of fear of pain..
Graceful Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you....I was reading your post comment and it was like looking into my life through someones eyes. You hit the nail on the head. Your words will be embedded into my mind forever. God bless. Newlife, You are very welcome. We have lived very different lives, and yet, your story touched me very deeply. I know you have not felt much happiness or real joy for a very long time. For now, I hope it brings you some comfort to know that if you work very hard and push through the coming months, happiness awaits you. Please know that I am sending you a message of hope. Thank you for the blessing.
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