pieturli Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) It's been over a month since my ex broke it off with me. The main reason was that she no longer loved me in the way you love a boyfriend, even though we both tried our best to get that feeling going again. On top of that, she wanted to be single, as she is only 19 and feels that there is so much she wants to do on her own at this stage. Anyhoo, we both agree that we want to be friends once the dust settles. We were very close and fought rarely, so I can't see why we couldn't be friends at some stage. The issue is, when the hell do I know that I'm ready for it? At this stage, she is starting to be ready for friendship, but knows that I'm not as far along in the process as she is. This is all very confusing, because for weeks 3-5 after the break up, I already felt much much better. I was having a lot of fun with my friends and most importantly, I was becoming interested in other women as well. Then I heard some rumors (you know, the very vague kinds that you hear by accident) that she might be involved with another guy, and suddenly I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Anyways, she had had a bar-night fling with him, but she told me that she has no intention of starting a relationship with anyone at this stage and that this thing with the guy is just some random party night making out. This made me feel much better because I do the exact same things myself and there is nothing weird about it. However, the whole incident cast a bit of a pall over the whole getting over the breakup thing. I **** you not I had not thought about her once for like 2 weeks, and when I eventually did, it wasn't painful. I have even occasionally felt like I wouldn't even get back together with her if she asked me, and that I just really want to be friends with her, and then when I heard those rumors I suddenly felt like **** all over again. I should point out that we have not made any formal plans as to what our friendship would be like but we both at least want to be able to talk on facebook or hang out for a bit if we happen to meet in a bar. It would be great to have a close friendship with her but I'm just not sure about it. If I can suddenly go from feeling almost-over-her to feeling like we just broke up, how am I supposed to know when I'm ready for friendship? What if we become friends and everything is going great, then she starts seeing another guy and I spiral down again? Then again, you really can't know what it will feel like until it happens, as my ex also pointed out. Any advice on this? I am thinking about adding her back to my friend list on facebook just for a start. (Oh I should point out we have been going no contact, except for if we've had something actually important to talk about, which hasn't been often.) Edited January 1, 2011 by pieturli Forgot to mention the NC rule
Fern Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Personally, I think it's too soon for the two of you to try to be friends. Give yourself more time. Better safe than sorry.
Author pieturli Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Oh I agree that we cant just go back to being friends right now:P Even she, the breaker-upper was pretty sure that she can't think of me as a friend quite yet. I know that it will take a bit of time, but whats confusing me is how my feelings can change around so quickly. What about the whole facebook thing? Do you think I should re-add her onto my friend list (originally deleted her because it was very difficult for me to keep seeing her face every time I logged in)? My reasoning is, if I add her on facebook again, that would sort of be the prerequisite to friendship, that by doing so we could both slowly get acquainted to being just friends. Does that make any kind of sense:P?
Fern Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Don't add her to FB. What if she DOES start seeing someone? Your ego was pricked by the idea she'd moved on - that's why your feelings changed. You need more time to get used to the idea of both of you moving on. It's too soon. Stay NC and ask people not to tell you things about her.
Author pieturli Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) Yeah you are probably right. We already made a deal that we would talk at some point after the next few months to see how it feels, and then just let it roll on its on weight. If we become close friends, fantastic. If we become casual friends, thats good too. We just don't want to completely disappear from each others lives, precisely because our relationship was very good. I must say that this is a bizarre feeling, not caring about one night stands at all, but practically crapping myself if I suspect that she is dating. I think that even in the far future, seeing her getting involved with someone else will cause a tiny spark of jealousy, and I think the same will happen to her when she sees me with a new woman. That is what a lot of people say at least:) that even the dumper can get jealous. In the future though, it wont be as big a deal. Relationships are complicated damnit. But thanks Fern, I shall go by your advice and wait at least for a while before even beginning to re-friend her. Edited January 1, 2011 by pieturli
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