Titania22 Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Hey Guys, As you know I have been seeing a guy and recently became his girlfriend. Well from the start he has been so attentive and wonderful, even after we had had sex. He was acting like a boyfriend, but without being my boyfriend. And I developed feeling for him, and hence wanted to be his girlfriend. When we had talked about this, I said that nothing had to be different, it would just be a label. After a couple of days he agreed, and I was really happy. The problem is, he changed. On the one hand he says he wants to take thing slow (which is cool), but then he keeps starting these really unpleasant conversations, and says that because we are now in a LTR things need to get deeper (in terms that because we are now bf/gf we need to have long unpleasant conversations over skype, that feel like he is trying to change me. We have differing opinions on lots of issues and differing beliefs, but as far as I was concerned he was a good person and fun to be around, so why change him. But he is not giving me the same courtesy. He also picks apart every little thing I have said and done since the start, like he is searching for inconsistencies and flaws. I even said to him 'it seems like before you wanted me to like you, and now that I do, you are testing me to see if I am worthy of you'. Screw that! I don't need to jump through someones hoops, or justify my every waking thought. I was happy being single. And if the person I met wasn't the real him, then the person I fell for doesn't really exist. The bright side is I have found out what he is really like, and know that that is not what i was signing up for. And before you all jump down my throat like it was just one conversation, it was more than that, there were a few conversations where I came out of thinking "hey I am sure sure if I like where this is going", but thinking it was me, so I decided I would avoid such conversations, by not getting sucked in and realising when we were on dangerous ground and suggesting topic changes, but the 2 conversations after that, he wouldn't except them and just kept at me. Literally there were points in the last conversation where I was thinking 'what does he need to hear to let this go', and I tried to say whatever I thought he might want to hear, and it just didn't work. To be honest it really reminded me of the early tactics of my exhusband, and I know where they led. So I have decided I need to bail. (This is a head decision, not a heart one.) Any way I am happy to hear what anyone else wants to say.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 It could be you guys are just not compatible for a relationship. I had a woman friend too that turned into a relationship. As it turns out our personalities were just too different to be in a relationship. It happens, and it's OK. If you guys weren't bf/gf that long you have a chance to go back to friends. I was with my gf for 2 years, we fell in love, even talked about a life together-- so I can't go back to friends now. It's kinda sad.
Yer_Blues Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 What kind of conversations? I don't really understand from your post what it is that's been so disturbing.
Author Titania22 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Thanks LifeIsGood and TaraMaiden What kind of conversations? I don't really understand from your post what it is that's been so disturbing. Long Conversations. A topic could come up and he will realise I think differently to him and he will ask me questions. (that's fine he has been doing that since the start.) It could be anything, science, medicine, philosophy, religion/spirituality, the global financial system, or personal stuff about the sex we have had or things I have said when we first met, literally anything. And before he would ask me what I thought, but wouldn't criticise and get really challenging about what I had said even if he thought differently, now he challenges every little thing. It's like he wants substantiated proof (from the mainstream) of everything i think. And if it doesn't fit into his world view, it must be wrong (despite the fact he hasn't personally studied any of these subjects himself). It is really frustrating that I can't just have an opinion, without being challenged to justify it.
Yer_Blues Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) It may not be malicious. I don't always let people have opinions without playing devils advocate either. I'm not completely argumentative or dismissive or anything, but views/beliefs gain strength through surviving challenge and become clearer as you are forced to explain them to somebody who doesn't currently hold the views. Answer this question for me: What good is an opinion if not based in something, that is if it is not justifiable? I might be playing devil's advocate right now, so hopefully it's not too irritating . I'm just kind of wondering why you are so hurt because somebody does not agree with you on things wants to understand your rationale? Edited January 1, 2011 by Yer_Blues
paleblue Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Like ya said, nothing had to change. Yikes. Your guy needs to chill.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 It may not be malicious. I don't always let people have opinions without playing devils advocate either. I'm not completely argumentative or dismissive or anything, but views/beliefs gain strength through surviving challenge and become clearer as you are forced to explain them to somebody who doesn't currently hold the views. Answer this question for me: What good is an opinion if not based in something, that is if it is not justifiable? I might be playing devil's advocate right now, so hopefully it's not too irritating . I'm just kind of wondering why you are so hurt because somebody does not agree with you on things wants to understand your rationale? I have a tendancy to do that too, but it's not malicious. It's just my personality. Some people can handle it, some people can't. It's OK. My view is-- if you have a strong opinion on something you should be able to talk about it and defend it. I enjoy a good deep conversation along these lines. Unfortunately, sometimes it comes across like a debate. If he can't/won't change his communication style then you guys are simply not compatible.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I'm sorry ... I get so encouraged when I read about people who find each other and seems to be a positive thing. I was feeling that way about you and this guy. Bottom line is that if his argumentative tactics are unpleasant for you, and he does it a lot, you and he really are not compatible. Relationships are not all rainbows and unicorns of course, but they are supposed to enhance our lives rather than bring them down, especially in the early stages, before any serious life bumps show up in the road. I also feel encouraged when someone is able to recognize that a relationship is not going in the right direction for them and can move on from it without allowing a quagmire of negativity and drama to develop first. When I got to that point myself, it was a major turning point for me. So, good for you from me, too.
Author Titania22 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 It may not be malicious. I don't always let people have opinions without playing devils advocate either. I'm not completely argumentative or dismissive or anything, but views/beliefs gain strength through surviving challenge and become clearer as you are forced to explain them to somebody who doesn't currently hold the views. Answer this question for me: What good is an opinion if not based in something, that is if it is not justifiable? I might be playing devil's advocate right now, so hopefully it's not too irritating . I'm just kind of wondering why you are so hurt because somebody does not agree with you on things wants to understand your rationale? Yes I get that, and I am cool with that sort of challenging, I do it myself sometimes. And no you aren'y being irritating. Of course if we were chatting for 3+ hours, and you were challenging me every sentence, and would concede anything, or agree to change the subject, or when you don't even have the education (i don't necessarily mean from an institution, i mean even your own research and reading into a topic) so you are not actually adding anything into the conversation except your own doubt and beliefs (you have never verified), then it is annoying as hell. Or use an "occam's razor" type argument to make the other persons assertion sound stupid. If I didn't like healthy debate, I wouldn't attend a philosophy group whose purpose is to do just that. As well, he doesn't do this face to face or even using speaker on skype, he does it typing. So he is hidden from view, like a little troll.
sugarmomma Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 It sounds like he doesn't respect your beliefs and wants you to see things the way he does. If that's the case, this def won't work. I dated a muslim that was that way. He was always trying to get me to change my beliefs and when it didn't work he just got frustrated. I would let him know that I never debate religion or politics. Those are just personal beliefs systems that I hold and don't want to be bothered with others who try to change me. You are definitely on the right track seeing these things early. He should accept you just the way you are. He sounds controlling and that is never good.
Author Titania22 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Thankyou PaleBlue and Mme.Chaucer. I feel the same way as both of you. It's just my personality. If it's just his personality, why wasn't he like this before? So either he was being his self before or he is being it now. I get personality typing, and I know which personalities I don't want to be around. If I had any inclination he was one of them, we wouldn't have gotten this far. If he is acting like my abusive husband did at the start, why would I want a bar of it? And I would hope that if you were challenging someone on their belief systems, and they met your challenge but you still couldn't get it, because they were different to anything you believe in, that you would respect them enough, not to keep beating a dead horse about it.
Author Titania22 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 It sounds like he doesn't respect your beliefs and wants you to see things the way he does. If that's the case, this def won't work. My sentiments exactly. In fact one of the good things I thought about him was that he could respect our differences of opinion, it is seems I was wrong.
Yer_Blues Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 (edited) Yes I get that, and I am cool with that sort of challenging, I do it myself sometimes. And no you aren'y being irritating. Of course if we were chatting for 3+ hours, and you were challenging me every sentence, and would concede anything, or agree to change the subject, or when you don't even have the education (i don't necessarily mean from an institution, i mean even your own research and reading into a topic) so you are not actually adding anything into the conversation except your own doubt and beliefs (you have never verified), then it is annoying as hell. Or use an "occam's razor" type argument to make the other persons assertion sound stupid. If I didn't like healthy debate, I wouldn't attend a philosophy group whose purpose is to do just that. As well, he doesn't do this face to face or even using speaker on skype, he does it typing. So he is hidden from view, like a little troll. Fair enough, I hate it when people get like that in arguments. Now that you have expanded on it a bit, I kind of understand where you were going with your original post. When people act like that and disrespect your views like that, it's hard not to start feeling a bit of contempt for them. Philosophy group sounds like it could be really interesting. I've never thought of trying one of those out. Could be interesting, and a good place to meet women. I'll have to see if I have one at my uni Edited January 2, 2011 by Yer_Blues
Author Titania22 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Philosophy group sounds like it could be really interesting. I've never thought of trying one of those out. Could be interesting, and a good place to meet women. I'll have to see if I have one at my uni Yeah, depending on the group there may or may not be women there. But I must say having found the right group for me, I absolutely love it, and it is the highlight of my month. It is also one of the most popular group in sydney from meetup.com. And although is used to use about 80% men, the last couple of groups have been 50% women. The trick is finding one where people respect and listen to other peoples points of view, and where you don't have to be an expert to attend.
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