setmarc21 Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I acknowledge that my dating issues are probably incredibly minor compared to what other people go through, but I'm just in search of advice from unbiased sources, so here goes. There's this girl who I'm really good friends with right now. We met back before high school, and we're both in college now, so we've been friends for a few years. Lately, I've started to realize that I'm attracted to her (actually, I first noticed her that way during high school, but it's stronger now). We both have a lot of fun around each other, and she always seems really happy to see me. I've been wanting to ask her out for the last couple of weeks, but there are a few things that make me a little nervous about it: 1. We have a lot of similar interests, but where she is more of the bright, cheerful, uplifting type, I'm more of the dark, depressing guy who usually stands off in the corner during a party (miraculously, she somehow managed to persuade me to dance during this new year's party we were at). She loves people, but I generally can't stand them. I'm worried that if I was able to pursue a relationship with her, some of my anti-social-ness might rub off on her or something like that. I'd much prefer not to make her life miserable. 2. I've never been in a real relationship before, and the last few I've attempted got screwed up pretty badly. The very last one I tried ended up crashing and burning two days after it started a couple of months ago. So I'm a little inexperienced with these things (though I certainly think I've had a good share of lessons in what NOT to do). 3. Every time I've tried asking out a girl who I was friends with who said no (in the most loving way possible) it has ended up causing a bit of a wall between us, and I really do not want that to happen between me and this girl. Like I said, we're very good friends, and I care a lot about her, and I don't want anything to ruin that. But at the same time, if I don't try, then it'll be on my mind for a really long time, which will probably eventually drive me insane. 4. (This is probably the biggest one) She was engaged several months ago, but ended up cancelling it and breaking up with her fiance. I don't know what the circumstances were, but she seemed a little depressed for a while. As far as I can tell, she's doing a lot better now, but I have absolutely no way of knowing if I should just leave her alone right now, or if I should even bother with it at all in the future. If I asked her out and she said no, I'd probably never try again. I don't want to make her uncomfortable, and I'd certainly understand if she said no. I'm just worried that if I do have any chance of success, my timing may be so off that I'll destroy that chance. All of my skepticism about this comes from worrying about her emotional well-being. I don't want to make her uncomfortable, and I certainly do not want to hurt her (which is something I'm quite notorious for with other girls). I want her to be happy, and I don't want to do anything to screw that up. The last girl I tried dating came out of it saying "Do boys ever become men!?!" I don't want to end up doing the same thing to this girl. I think I'd be able to take it if she said no. At the very least, we'd probably remain friends, and sooner or later I would accept that it won't happen and I can stop dwelling on it. But at the same time, I'm getting tired of being said "no" to, and feeling like the loser who nobody is interested in. I've more or less memorized the famous line, "I like you, but just as a friend." Having written all of this, I realize that I'm probably WAAAY over-thinking it. I haven't even asked her out on one date, so I probably shouldn't plan that far ahead. But like I said, I care a lot about her, and I love being around her, and I'm pretty sure she enjoys being around me. She is one of the very few girls who I can feel relatively relaxed around. I've learned from countless past mistakes how to be a lot more careful when approaching situations like this (perhaps too careful? I dunno). And I realize that if there was to be more between us, I'd need to change a lot about myself, but that is something I'm willing to do (and quite honestly, I probably SHOULD do it anyway, regardless of any relationships I want to pursue). So I dunno... does it sound like it's worth a shot, or am I just a hopeless case? (wouldn't surprise me ) I know I've got low self-esteem, but I'm working on that. (Sorry my post is so long. I'm a writer, so I tend to get long-winded. It helps me speculate better when I tell someone about it.)
Author setmarc21 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Sorry for the double-post, but I also wanted to ask really quick, how long should a guy wait before asking out a girl who broke up with her fiance? In this case, it has been several months, but I have no idea how long it takes for someone like her to be willing to try again with someone else. As far as I can tell, she and her ex are on good terms, but there isn't anything romantic going on anymore. I'm not even sure if they still talk.
Author setmarc21 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Posted January 16, 2011 Y'know what? Screw it, I'm overthinking it, and I might as well just give it a shot. And since no one seems to give a crap anyway, y'all can go ahead and close this thread if you want.
welikeincrowds Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Hey, OP. Stop being so insecure. It sounds from here like you guys could be a good match. Take a risk with an extrovert; it's good for you. By the way, if you're looking at her from a dating perspective, realize this: romantically, she should be considered no different to you from any other stranger. After all, you haven't dated her, no? You have a better idea of what it might be like with her, seeing as you're acquainted with her, but that's just an educated guess. As a lover, she's still a stranger. That means don't give her special treatment, and don't take her for granted. Confusing....
Author setmarc21 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Well, I asked her out! And she said yes!... and now I realize how stupid I was for worrying so much about it. I was actually quite amazed at how perfectly the circumstances fell into place so that I could ask her... it's almost like it was meant to be. Of course, I only asked her out on a date, so I have yet to determine if it leads to something more... but I'm feeling kinda hopeful that it will. At our age, she'd most likely expect that I'm interested in a relationship, even if I only asked her out on one date, right?
bsilmb Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 congratulations man on getting brave and asking her out, good to hear it worked out. I'd say just go on a few dates and then kind have a talk about if you want to take it to the next level. I myself am in a similar situation, except we've known each other for about a year and a half and have been getting stronger attractions lately. I'm gonna ask her out soon too. your story gives me confidence to try bro.
Author setmarc21 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Well, good luck then, man. Hope it goes well. If she's been showing interest in you too, chances are pretty good that she'll say yes. I'm convinced that the best relationships are the ones that are built off of an already-established friendship. And thanks for the bit of advice, that sounds like a good plan of action. I've been "studying" the subject of dating a lot, and I think I've more or less figured out how to proceed the right way. I was in a bit of a weird situation the other day where I was at a party at her house, and her former fiance was there. I kind of wondered if there was still something going on there, but when I thought about it, I realized that she probably wouldn't have said yes if such was the case. Not to mention that when I was leaving, she said, "See you Friday," (referring to our date) which I doubt she would have said in front of him if there was still something going on there. From what I can tell, they're just really good friends now. I'd prefer not to get mixed up in a crazy love triangle thing. Oddly enough, he apparently showed a bit of interest in my sister a while back.
Recommended Posts