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Broke NC, mixed feelings

Akumark

By Akumark
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Akumark Member

Akumark

Posted
Posted

So my dumpee mind finally got the best of me, I texted her 10 min ago and let me tell you I regreted it the second after I pressed send.

 

I just feel like sharing a little...

 

Long story short, it was only supposed to be a one night that became a FWB relationship. Started hard, she was a friend of a friend, we danced dirty, but she wasn't my style so I dind't push it. A bunch of us go to sleep at my friend place, while they chat in kitchen I just go lie down on my friend bed. When I woke up it was dark, she was naked on top of me (killer body, I was like OMFG) and we did it, after that she told me : Hey you'll call me back right? I was afraid a little (lot) but I told her yeah it was great. So was started calling when we wanted IT, was about everyday. She started sleeping at my place 3-4 nights a week. She was totaly what I wanted at the moment, in bed she was amazing, had a lot of experiences, was fun to hang with. I acted like I didn't really care about her, didn't reply to her right away, told her I had other things to do, I felt I was controling the situation. She called and texted everyday and eventualy after 2 months seeing eachother after I picked her from work she told me she liked what we we had, she'd like to see where it could go. I told her again that I didn't want any relationship and that we should stop then if it was too much for her. I knew that I wasn't feeling ready for a relationship, I feared commitment and also we didn't have the same interest, I'm 28 and she's 21. I had a really recpectful relationship before and I still respect my ex a lot, but this new girl was so adventurous, lacked self-respect, said she felt so empty inside, I didn't think I could fall for that type :p. She came back to me the day after telling me it was ok let's continue like before, looking back I think she started to cut herself from her feelings at that moment, I understand. So it continued for 4 months, I didn't look for any other girls because I had all I wanted. She had someting with a model guy and asked my permission to go on a date with him, the had a pretty wild date that would deserve a thread itself but he never called her back after they sleep together. Since we told ourselve everything (and I'm curious and a perv) she told me about the guy, how he treated her very badly the day they had a date, but at the end of the day they slept together and he was a god, like the best she ever had, so she was sad he didn't care about her. I was pretty jealous about the guy, I realised that since I had such a long relationship with the same girl before (and the ... was so so), I lacked experiences. I knew we had good sex but I wanted her to be to heaven like that with me too. So I started loosing self-confidence when we were about to do it, so I started drinking when I knew I'd see her. At that moment I started to realised I really enjoyed her company and friendship so I started to take good care of her. On night we where out at a comedy show we met a barman who really had an eye on her, and she gave him her number, I was right beside her but I didn't mind since I always said I wished her a good BF and our things would end then. Second date with barman they sleep together, she called me at 3AM crying because she really tought he was interested but he was not, he already had other FWB relations but he offered her to be FWB (this time I didn't ask for the details...ok I asked if he was something and she told me the biggest ... I have ever seen! was enough details for me hahaha) but I really didn't mind. The weeks that followed she came sleeping as usual but for the first time she started saying things like I'm to tired, I'm stressed with my exam, etc when I started the usual, after a week we finaly did it again and that was probably the worst I ever had, she had such cold empty eyes (I have the chill just remembering that time), after that I told her to stay home tonight, that I needed to relax alone ( I was so shocked!). We saw eachother 3 times that week, just cuddling and sleeping and when I tried to start it up after the 3rd day she simply said no, just cuddle. I went on my side and said cuddle yourself alone. We had a small argument about how boys just want to bla,bla and we went to sleep. Next morning we were still moody and she told me that I should get another FWB, I said I'm fine with my life thanks. While I was driving her to school I said maybe we should stop that, she simply replied yes, lets just stay good friends. It's ended like that. Next night we went out with common friends watch UFC ( my friends, but now it's common friends ;P), she made these cold eyes when we were talking but was very bubly went she spoke with the other ( I was very sad inside, I missed her alot). After that we where all going to dance, I was just with her in my car and told her I already missed her, that I really wanted to give it another shot and see where it would go. She said no, it's to late now, I sleep with (barman name) and I don't sleep with 2 guys steadily at the same times, I thought you had understood that in the last 2 weeks, it's over. I left her at the bar and went home, I was so sad. I started to have obsessive thought about her after that (still does) and being depressed. We texted a little but I didn't feel like talking with her. She kept texting me everyday some Hi, How are you, You don't wanna speak to me??, etc and I stoped responding. I completely stoped drinking since I realised I was managing my feelings with that (like I did with drugs in another life). I wrote her a email before chrismas saying I needed space, it was like that for now and wished her love in life. She texted me merry chrismas much love to you too even if you don't wanna speak with me. She stoped texting and calling after that. I really feel like a dumpee and have all the symptom, I even wonder if I love her lol. I think I do but at the same times I can't picture myself dating a girl like her. I removed her from facebook after that was to hard seeing her pictures partying and addings all those guys on FB, I started feeling jealous :p, so I stoped checking it. I was NC but yesterday in a moment of dumpee craziness I sent a friend invite, she actepted but I hided her in the chat and decided to not look at her FB until I was over that (or ever again maybe :p). Sometimes I feel like it will be over soon and just move on but other times I really want her back and even wonder if I should ask her on a date (we never did). So tonight in another dumpee moment I sent her a text saying : It's not that I don't want to speak with you again, it's just that I'm interested in you, that's why I don't think I can be just friend. I so regreted right after! I was looking for rejection I don't know, but then it strike me, if she said ok me too, I wound't feel right either... I texted her again : Wow did I really send that, forget it. But she didn't reply to any of them. That's about it. Since that relation ended I discovered you guys on LS. I really feel at home here and learned a lot already. For now I stoped drinking too and try to work on myself, what I really want to acheive is to stop always thinking about her and her body, because it just make me feel really depressed. I this story I'm aware I got what I deserved, no need to rub it in :laugh:

 

BTW pardon my english :p

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Akumark Member

Akumark

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Ouch wall of text my eyes bleed :eek:

 

I wasn't right in my mind when I wrote all those details, I'm such a perv :mad:

Leandro Established Member

Leandro

Posted
Posted
So my dumpee mind finally got the best of me, I texted her 10 min ago and let me tell you I regreted it the second after I pressed send.

 

I just feel like sharing a little...

 

Long story short, it was only supposed to be a one night that became a FWB relationship. Started hard, she was a friend of a friend, we danced dirty, but she wasn't my style so I dind't push it. A bunch of us go to sleep at my friend place, while they chat in kitchen I just go lie down on my friend bed.

 

When I woke up it was dark, she was naked on top of me (killer body, I was like OMFG) and we did it, after that she told me : Hey you'll call me back right? I was afraid a little (lot) but I told her yeah it was great. So was started calling when we wanted IT, was about everyday. She started sleeping at my place 3-4 nights a week.

She was totaly what I wanted at the moment, in bed she was amazing, had a lot of experiences, was fun to hang with. I acted like I didn't really care about her, didn't reply to her right away, told her I had other things to do, I felt I was controling the situation. She called and texted everyday and eventualy after 2 months seeing eachother after I picked her from work she told me she liked what we we had, she'd like to see where it could go.
I told her again that I didn't want any relationship and that we should stop then if it was too much for her. I knew that I wasn't feeling ready for a relationship, I feared commitment and also we didn't have the same interest, I'm 28 and she's 21. I had a really recpectful relationship before and I still respect my ex a lot, but this new girl was so adventurous, lacked self-respect, said she felt so empty inside, I didn't think I could fall for that type :p.
She came back to me the day after telling me it was ok let's continue like before, looking back I think she started to cut herself from her feelings at that moment, I understand. So it continued for 4 months, I didn't look for any other girls because I had all I wanted. She had someting with a model guy and asked my permission to go on a date with him, the had a pretty wild date that would deserve a thread itself but he never called her back after they sleep together.

Since we told ourselve everything (and I'm curious and a perv) she told me about the guy, how he treated her very badly the day they had a date, but at the end of the day they slept together and he was a god, like the best she ever had, so she was sad he didn't care about her. I was pretty jealous about the guy, I realised that since I had such a long relationship with the same girl before (and the ... was so so), I lacked experiences.

I knew we had good sex but I wanted her to be to heaven like that with me too. So I started loosing self-confidence when we were about to do it, so I started drinking when I knew I'd see her. At that moment I started to realised I really enjoyed her company and friendship so I started to take good care of her.
On night we where out at a comedy show we met a barman who really had an eye on her, and she gave him her number, I was right beside her but I didn't mind since I always said I wished her a good BF and our things would end then. Second date with barman they sleep together, she called me at 3AM crying because she really tought he was interested but he was not, he already had other FWB relations but he offered her to be FWB (this time I didn't ask for the details...ok I asked if he was something and she told me the biggest ... I have ever seen! was enough details for me hahaha) but I really didn't mind.
The weeks that followed she came sleeping as usual but for the first time she started saying things like I'm to tired, I'm stressed with my exam, etc when I started the usual, after a week we finaly did it again and that was probably the worst I ever had, she had such cold empty eyes (I have the chill just remembering that time), after that I told her to stay home tonight, that I needed to relax alone ( I was so shocked!).
We saw eachother 3 times that week, just cuddling and sleeping and when I tried to start it up after the 3rd day she simply said no, just cuddle. I went on my side and said cuddle yourself alone. We had a small argument about how boys just want to bla,bla and we went to sleep. Next morning we were still moody and she told me that I should get another FWB, I said I'm fine with my life thanks. While I was driving her to school I said maybe we should stop that, she simply replied yes, lets just stay good friends. It's ended like that. Next night we went out with common friends watch UFC ( my friends, but now it's common friends ;P), she made these cold eyes when we were talking but was very bubly went she spoke with the other ( I was very sad inside, I missed her alot).
After that we where all going to dance, I was just with her in my car and told her I already missed her, that I really wanted to give it another shot and see where it would go. She said no, it's to late now, I sleep with (barman name) and I don't sleep with 2 guys steadily at the same times, I thought you had understood that in the last 2 weeks, it's over.
I left her at the bar and went home, I was so sad. I started to have obsessive thought about her after that (still does) and being depressed. We texted a little but I didn't feel like talking with her. She kept texting me everyday some Hi, How are you, You don't wanna speak to me??, etc and I stoped responding. I completely stoped drinking since I realised I was managing my feelings with that (like I did with drugs in another life). I wrote her a email before chrismas saying I needed space, it was like that for now and wished her love in life. She texted me merry chrismas much love to you too even if you don't wanna speak with me.
She stoped texting and calling after that. I really feel like a dumpee and have all the symptom, I even wonder if I love her lol. I think I do but at the same times I can't picture myself dating a girl like her. I removed her from facebook after that was to hard seeing her pictures partying and addings all those guys on FB, I started feeling jealous :p, so I stoped checking it.
I was NC but yesterday in a moment of dumpee craziness I sent a friend invite, she actepted but I hided her in the chat and decided to not look at her FB until I was over that (or ever again maybe :p). Sometimes I feel like it will be over soon and just move on but other times I really want her back and even wonder if I should ask her on a date (we never did).
So tonight in another dumpee moment I sent her a text saying : It's not that I don't want to speak with you again, it's just that I'm interested in you, that's why I don't think I can be just friend. I so regreted right after! I was looking for rejection I don't know, but then it strike me, if she said ok me too, I wound't feel right either... I texted her again : Wow did I really send that, forget it. But she didn't reply to any of them. That's about it.
Since that relation ended I discovered you guys on LS. I really feel at home here and learned a lot already. For now I stoped drinking too and try to work on myself, what I really want to acheive is to stop always thinking about her and her body, because it just make me feel really depressed. I this story I'm aware I got what I deserved, no need to rub it in :laugh:

 

BTW pardon my english :p

Broke it down for you.
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