Getting worse not better

[GoingInsane]

Day 5 NC. I'm annoyed that I've still got almost constant thoughts about them. Its been 3.5 months since we broke up and its back like it was in week one. Its finding out about the affair and their new relationship. In some ways, I'm glad I did, otherwise I would still be clinging onto some sort of hope. But in other ways, its awful. I wonder what she's doing constantly, wonder what they're doing togther. Think back to things that happened when we were together and I'm embarassed that I believed the lies. They were so obvious really. I'm embarassed that I was so scared of being on my own (even though I like my own company) that I was prepared to be unhappy. Prepared to be lied to. I cringe thinking how easy it was for her to deceive me. I think she'll be thinking I was a complete desperate fool to beleive her lies. I think she'll be happy we're now not speaking - she doesn't have to see me and feel guilty and doesn't have the pressure of worrying about me. I think the last 3 months of staying in contact was all about pitying me. My heart sinks when I think that.

[Lonelygirl1975]

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this emotional hurt. I too, am in the same place. Story is kind of long, so bear with me. My husband and I met our sophomore year in HS. We began dating in late jr year, got married a year after graduating HS. We have three amazing kids, which I swear to you, is what keeps me getting up in the morning right now.

 

My marriage has had it's share of issues, but we've always managed to work through things. Having suffered from depression for the last 13 almost 14 years, I have not always been there for him, and I freely admit that. But he's always been supportive of me, and tried to help me through things.

 

Things went downhill around Thanksgiving, he mentioned that he wasn't in love with me anymore, and wanted to separate, things just weren't working out for him. But I did the typical cry and beg and he came home, and gave me the impression we would work things out. But then 2 weeks after that, he said he was just done. That he wanted to separate before things ended up awful between us and we hated each other. We endured each other through Christmas for the sake of our kids, and then last week I asked him to leave. Things slowly came out into the open that he was seeing someone else. And swore he would never cheat on me, so that is why he needed to separate, so when we did have the initial conversation in early Dec, I took off my wedding rings, I felt he wasn't in love with me, what was the point of wearing them? He apparently took that has the go ahead and has since been physically involved with her. So when he left last week, he went to her. Took some stuff and left.

 

I had the job of being the one to tell the kids we were separating. The two older kids know, the youngest doesn't, he's too young to fully grasp what that means. The kids do not know about this other woman their father is seeing though.

 

Now, we have been civil throughout everything. I never checked into his phone records, emails, FB, nothing. I decided that knowing details would be too much to take. It would put a face and a name to things I already had swirling around my mind. The part I'm having most trouble with is we have slept together since we separated, including three times since he has left the house. He is here all the time because of the kids, which is understandable, I have no desire to make a mess out of this for them or him. I don't believe that it is good for either party to play them like pawns. He has since told me that he loves me, and he hopes that over time, I become strong and independent again and maybe we can end up back together. And I will admit, I am hanging on to hope that we will get back together, but my heart just feels shreaded right now. I honestly never saw this coming, and as far as this other girl, that was even more of a shock. I probably could have handled this better had there not been someone waiting in the wings to snatch him up.

 

I just cannot take the racing thoughts I have been having, what has he told her about me? Does he love her? Is he messing with both her and I at this point? He has always been an amazing man, never a dog, I have literally spent the last 17 years I've been married telling people I had the last good guy on earth. So this is completely out of character for him. And I know I should put my foot down, tell him to leave and not let him sleep here at all. But to be honest, I just miss him so much, everything about him, the way he smells, the sound of his breathing, the way he holds my hand, how my head fits just right on his chest. I cannot stand it.

 

I guess I just don't understand how he could tell me he loved me, and sleep with me, telling me that he loves the way I touch him and the way we are together, because I know him, and what he likes, and he is very attracted to me. Which is obviously quite mutual. And then go to this other woman. He slept with me the last two nights, and even lied to her about last night, saying he was going to a sporting event of the kids and wouldn't get home early enough to be over so he was sleeping here. When he does sleep here, he sleeps in our bed. Because I ask him to, not just because he wants to. And yes, he has kissed me since this has happened.

 

I'm just feeling really lost right now, and so alone. My family has been very supportive of me, and I am so grateful, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want to hide in bed forever in a dark room. I have lost my best and closest friend and I honestly don't think I am ever going to be able to deal with this. I am starting therapy tomorrow, which will hopefully help me. Because I have not slept in the last 3 weeks, for more than 2 hours, and I lost 15 lbs. I just feel sick everytime I think and then food doesn't seem appealing. This coming from someone who has had weight issues all her life, me manage to lose that much without even trying. That says something about my mental state right now.

 

I certainly hope that I can make a friend or two on this site, because right now, I'm really in need of support more than ever.

[GoingInsane]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through Lonelygirl1975. I could offer advice that I don't take myself - like you really need to put some distance between you, stop letting him stay over, even though its what you think yoiu desperately want and need right now. Easy for me to say because if my ex had asked to stay at any time following or breakup, I'd have jumped at it. But you need to heal and try and get through this, think of a future away from him. And you can't do that when you're still getting emotional and physical support from him.

 

 

I'm so angry with myself tonight. I hadn't looked at her facebook for a few days, tonight for some reason I wanted to see if she was still FB friends with my brothers partner. So I looked. She wasn't. I then wanted to see if she was FB friends with one of my friends. She was. She'd also changed her profile pic. That was it. I couldn't stop myself. I needed to know what she was saying. So I went to log on as her. I know I said I'd never do it again, but I just couldn't stop myself. Heart pounding. Feeling sick. So I went to do it. And she's changed her password.

 

Now long term, I think this is the best thing she could have ever done. I can never be tempted again. But I'm feeling guiilty, upset, anxious. I've lost any moral highground I might have had. She knows I've been snooping and invading her privacy. She'll be so angry with me. She'll be glad she never has to see or hear from me again. I know it sounds bad, but I was kind of happy with the thought that she would be upset that I'd taken her off FB. That I had a bit of control, finally. That she'd be a bit desperate to see what I was up to and couldn't. Now she's taken all of that control back and more. Now she can slag me off for hacking into her account. She can be angry with me rather than feel guilty. And she will - this will justify in her mind why she split with me. She won't see that I was never like this before the affair started (or before I suspected the affair). I was always trusting, I wouldn't have dreamt of doing it. But I did. She knows. And she hates me. Why should I care?

[Lonelygirl1975]

As much as I would like to not admit someone was right, I know your advice is probably the wisest advice, by not letting him stay here and to try and put distance between him and I. To think of a future that doesn't include him and I together in that way anymore, but the more I think about that, the more I start to shake and feel sick all over, my mind races, my heart feels like it's thudding in my ears. It's a difficult thing to put distance between us, with us having kids. He works a pretty screwy schedule, it's third shift part of the time, first shift part of the time and even though those days are a set schedule, it still makes it tough because we both have always felt very strongly about being home for the kids, to not rely on childcare. Our youngest child is a total daddy's boy, he cries at night when he goes to bed when he's not here on a regular basis, nevermind now that he won't be here as much. He is very involved with the kids sports teams as well, always has been. So as you can kind of see, unless I run away--which I have to admit, I truly did think about doing.....it's near impossible to not have him around. I think the hardest thing is going to be Friday and Saturday nights when I know they are out together, and I'm sitting home with the kids who are totally confused as to how this all happened. Now, don't get me wrong, he told me he would be here anytime I needed him to be, whether it was for the kids, or I just wanted to get out, do something with friends or whatever. But the horrible truth is I don't want to do things with anyone, I want to be with him. We have been each other's only real friends for quite some time. A few years back we were friends with another couple, who ended up divorcing and going through a nasty custody battle that we were dragged into and since then, it's like we both have backed off on having friends. This couple were people we went on vacations with and everything. She was my closest friend in the world and it hurt like hell when we stopped speaking. Since then, its like I just don't feel I can trust people again, like I just avoid the possibility of getting hurt. I have kept in touch with one girl from high school, we actually met in 7th grade. And she's been my best friend for years, and ironically, my husband and her grew up together, always attending the same schools, lived in the same apartment complexes, so it's freaky that I ended up a mutual tie between them. She lives out of state now, so it's not like she can really be there for me, aside from phone and email. Which is nice, but it would be great to be able to drive to her house and just let it all out, you know? Anyway, so my husband and I virtually were each other's only friend, each other's first everything. So I'm really at a point where it just feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my entire life and self, and it hurts.

I can see why you checked up on her, when you have that feeling that something is going on, after a while you begin to think you are crazy, and have this overwhelming need for finding out the truth, even though you know it's going to hurt. Its like you just need to know you aren't imagining things. I can't say that I didn't think about checking on him, well, after this all first started that is. We just always had a mutual respect for each other's email accounts and cell phones, I never dreamed there would be reason to think about looking at those things. Maybe that makes me the *******. I don't know..... But it really is a good thing that your ex changed her password, because seeing those things repeatedly are just going to make things feel worse for you. Those things will just play with your mind until you go insane. I think the human mind in general can be a very cruel thing.

Have you thought about seeing someone professionally to maybe help you through this? Are you involved with anything that can keep your mind occupied? Of course, this advice is coming from someone who should be taking it herself. I am seeing a therapist starting this week, but I know I need to reach out to those around me and allow them to support me emotionally right now. Even if it's just for coffee. Right now, I've been basically keeping myself constantly busy so I can't think about things, but I've reached a point of complete exhaustion and I feel like I honestly cannot have one complete thought, it's just a jumbled mess right now.

Keep posting on here, it helps to hear other's that are going through it, and are surviving, and to know that this hurt is not actually going to kill me, even though it certainly feels that way right now.

[suddendumpee]

Wow. Your story is eerily like mine....which turned into a fairly long discussion in the breaking up forum:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=256901

[GoingInsane]

Well its been 9 days NC for me and a week since I defreinded her on FB. I'm doing okay and I'm no longer looking back on the relationship with rose coloured glasses, but I just can't stop thinking about the affair and their relationship now.

 

I keep remembering things that happened when we were still together, when I had my suspicions and she denied them. I keep remembering times when I just accepted her lies and how she must have thought it so easy to deceive me. And I remember how nice I was to the other person - making a real effort to prove I trusted my ex - and I feel an idiot.

 

Then thoughts come into my head about what she's doing now. I'm not even sure they're having a full on relationship - I suspect its just casual and my ex will hate that. One minute I think of her at home alone, possibly feeling guilty for everything she did, or maybe just getting through her own insecurities with the new lover. The next I think of them off doing things together, or being loved up with each other.

 

I know its stupid but I just can't stop the thoughts jumping into my head. I'm not even missing HER, not missing her company or being able to talk to her, I'm just focussed on what she did and how I don't want her and the lover to last. Its pathetic. Or better still, thinking of her being miserable in the new realtionship, that its not as exciting and amazing as it was when they were sneaking around.

[GoingInsane]

11 days NC. I dreamt about her and the new lover for two nights in a row, last night I didn't. Maybe I'm moving on.

 

Its strange, I'm not pining after her, I know I don't want to get back with her, in fact I'm still pretty angry. But I just can't get over the thoughts that she hates me now - or at least is indifferent and doesn't care. And I'm desperate to know what she's doing - not general day to day stuff, but how its working out with her (not so) new relationship.

 

I wish I could move on from this. I have pretty shoddy self esteem and she is the first person I have ever truly known and believed loved me. I could actually feel it slipping away in those last few months, but at the start, I KNEW. I just can't get it out of my head that she no longer feels that way, is probably relieved we're no longer talking, feels no guilt about what she did. And she probably hates me because of the snooping.

 

I wish I just didn't care. I don't have the same feelings for her - so why does it kill me to think she hasn't got the same ones for me? Its illogical.

[KYoung2200]

We all want to be loved. I think what you're going through is the heart's realization that she may not feel as strongly for you anymore. And that's tough! I'm going through the same thing. Broken up for about 4 days now and my ex is already going out on a date tonight.

 

Both of us will be fine in time my friend.

[GoingInsane]

12th day NC and I think I might have turned a corner. Still think about her, but my heart doesn't ache and hurt when I do. And I'm not thinking about her and the lover all the time either. In fact, I wouldn't have even mentioned her today if a mutual friend hadn't asked about her - commenting that she appears to have disappeared off the face of the earth! She's avoiding the mutual friend because deep down somewhere (and she'll have pushed it deep), she knows she's in the wrong and doesn't want to face anyone who knows all the gory details.

 

I'm a bit anxious about tomorrow, I have to visit the building where she works so I'll potentially see her. If I don't see her, I'll see her car and I just know that will send me into a bit of a spin.

 

I've decided that I'm going to rise above it all and greet her reasonably friendly if I see her. A smile and a hi. I think if I ignored her or gave her a dirty look she's just have more reason to blame me and not look at what she did. I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not - but if I act cold, she'll just turn it round and say I'm being childish or that I must be so hurt because I can't get over her. I don't want her thinking that.

[Th3Forgotten1]

there is nothing childish about remembering her and not getting over her. what she has been doing to you is the worst thing a girl can seriously do. I used to know someone like that. She kept dating and leaving one guy after another but would never leave my friend who was her ex. Every time she broke off she would come back to him and have him take care of her. He thought one day she would realize how much he loved her. She never did. She got married to someone else.

 

See people like these are very selfish and all they think about is themselves. Why would she stop contact with you? She is getting all she wants. She is getting to go round with the guy she wanted to be with while at the same time have a pillar in the form of a guy she used to have. All win situation right?

So does not matter what she wants or thinks just ignore her. Maybe she will realize what she lost and suddenly the guy she loves now wont feel like her primary target. If you dont move away how will she ever understand your value?

 

And also dont blame yourself for trusting her and believing that she did not cheat. You loved her and thought she was the sweetest thing ever. It is only normal to trust her and you were really sweet in doing so. Trust me its her loss not yours. You will find someone better. you just dont realize it now

Edited January 13, 2011 by Th3Forgotten1

[GoingInsane]

Thanks Th3Forgotten1. That all makes sense. She really is so selfish, she wanted the excitment of a new love interest while she also had the stability of my love and support packaged up as friendship. The strange thing is, I think by going NC with her, she'll now just draw a line under everything she was getting from me and tell herself she's better off without me around. I hope when the excitment wears off she starts to think about what she has done. But she won't. She's so selfish it doesn't matter, only if it effects her.

 

I've been a mess today. Knew I might bump into her at work this afternoon so have been churned up all day. When I got to her offices I saw her car (you can't bloody miss it!) and I can't tell you how my heart sank and how hurt I felt. I went into the offices but didn't see her (her office door was shut). I don't know if she knew I was there or not. I don't know if she was chosing to stay locked away. I don't know if she told her colleagues in the office about the situation. I'm guessing it had no effect on her at all and she just didn't care.

 

Its been 4.5 months now and the sick feeling is still there. I wasted that first 3 months pining after someone who was lying to me and using me (or maybe she thought she was being nice keeping me as a friend - a pity friend). The ridiculous thing is I don't actually miss HER or her company. I don't have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to break NC (although I was consciously looking round for her today). I just can't describe how I feel. My heart aches and I feel churned up - but I don't miss her. I juts can't stop creating scenarios in my head of when the affair might have started or about how often they see each other now. Are they loved up and spending every night together? Or is it still very casual? Why can't I stop thinking about it?!

[GoingInsane]

Day 16 NC. Just realised its 4 months since we broke up, not 4.5 as above. In some ways I'm doing good. I've started going to the gym again regularly, I'm looking after myself, I'm going out a bit more, but why can't I get her out of my head?!!

 

Its not a pining feeling or an intense desire to contact her and talk things through. I know she'd only lie her way out of it. But she's just there, in my head. Sometimes its obsessing about our relationship, her new relationship, what she did, what I did. Other times its imagining her feelings when she sees me next. Other times its nothing - just a nagging thought of her that I can't push away. Its driving me mad. I wake up thinking about her - if not straight away, then I seem to consciously bring her to the forefront of my thoughts.

 

Then there's the guilt. I know this is pathetic, I know it shows a complete lack of self respect, but I feel guilty for what she might be going through. I imagine her sat at home with nobody to talk to, stressing about what's happened and that she has lost my respect. She's avoiding a close mutual friend because she knows she's in the wrong - but her own friends are pretty unsympathetic and useless, I feel bad that she has nobody to talk to. Its ridiculous. Its crazy. She's probably out having a great time and not even thinking about me at all. Then I think of the times when I was thoughtless or insensitive during the relationship and feel guilt again. Yet she had the bloody affair!!

 

I wish she hadn't strung me along for the first 3.5 months, why did she do that? She must have known it would all come out at some point, especially if they began dating. Did she let me buy her dinner, let me comfort her when she was upset, ask for my advice - all while she was cultivating a relationship with the person she had an affair with?!! I don't want to believe it. Will she look back and see what she did wrong?

[GoingInsane]

Day 18 NC. I was doing really well today, then started talking about her with a friend. My friend said that she thought the affair my ex had never ended (I thought it did then restarted) and has pretty much been going on the whole time. And now her lover has split from their own LTR, they're spending much more time together. My friend said she thinks they've met one anothers friends and are a proper couple now. I don't know why this has churned me up so much, I know all this anyway, but it hurts.

 

I then got home and started looking back on dates etc of when certain things happened - and I haven't done that for a while now. Its like I've taken a huge step back.

 

The most upsetting thing is that she's got a new relationship now so won't be thinking of me for a second. I don't know why that matters to me so much, that she still thinks about me, but it does and its holding me back. I was thinking back to my birthday when she sent me one miserly text, then nothing for the rest of the day, or the following day (we were in regular contact then). It upset me at the time because I thought she obviously just wasn't thinking of me at all. And that's proved to be the case. She led me on for those 3 months after we split, giving herself time to wean herself off me while she waited for her lover to become available. I've been completely used.

 

All I can think about is the two of them splitting up. I don't want them to be happy. I don't want her to be content. I feel awful.

[Kansas]

I've been complete putty in her hands. When she texts, I reply immediately.

 

You need to go NC - completely. That means no more checking her face book. Like someone else posted earlier - it's liking punching yourself in the face every day. Delete her from FB. Be strong. I'm only saying this because this was ME with my ex and even though people told me to go NC and to ignore his texts and emails I didn't because stupidly I felt bad ignoring him and used every excuse in the book to stay connected to him because I thought in some way that would bring him back to me. It didn't and it won't. All you're going to do is end up becoming her doormat and when she is done with you (sounds like she is only keeping you around because her new relationship is complicated) she'll have no problem cutting you loose. She's a selfish, selfish person. Look out for yourself in this and be strong. It's not easy but you can totally do it!

[Kansas]

Sorry GoingInsane, I replied to your original post. Good for you for going NC for so long. Keep it up ... it might not feel like you're moving forward, but you'll get there bit by bit. Don't beat yourself up, because there's nothing that you could of done. It sounds like she walked away from your relationship long before it officially ended.

 

Focus on your self and take it one day at a time.

[GoingInsane]

Thanks Kansas. Why does it make me sad when people say (and I tell myself) that she was done with the relationship long before it officially ended? I know that's true - hell, I told a friend a couple of months before we split that I thought we were heading for a breakup. Whenever I tried to talk to her about how she was feeling, she just avoided it. At one point I thought that she was avoiding it because she didn't want it to end!

 

What gets me is that she genuinely seems to think she was the love of my life and the only reason she stayed with me and hid the affair was because, quote, she "didn't want to break my heart". She genuinely thinks that. It makes me angry and humiliated at the same time.

[Kansas]

Why does it make me sad when people say (and I tell myself) that she was done with the relationship long before it officially ended? .... she "didn't want to break my heart".

 

Maybe because it hurts us to think that they could of pre-meditated something that would hurt us some much ... maybe because we want to believe that they loved us as much as we loved them, right up until the end ... maybe because we want to believe that if we were willing to try within the relationship - they would too ... maybe because we're loyal and they're not ... maybe because it hurts so much to be lied to by someone that we love so much ... maybe because we want to believe that we were with someone who we could at least trust enough to talk to us about how they were truly feeling ... maybe because in the end we feel like, "Who are you? Where is the person I fell in love with?" and we feel so betrayed ... the maybe's are endless. The point is that we hurt, nonetheless.

 

She stayed with you you in the end, not because she didn't want to break your heart, but because she was a lying cunt-wad and couldn't bring herself to tell you the truth. She's a coward. If she didn't want to break your heart, she wouldn't of strayed outside of the relationship while she was still in a relationship with you. She would of talked to you about how she was feeling, either tried to fix the relationship or made the decision to move on, taken some time to heal and reflect and would of moved on in a healthy way. But no wait - that would of taken a certain level of respect and maturity on her part - qualities that she was clearly lacking.

[GoingInsane]

Thanks Kansas, you're completely right. You know what I've realised today, after reading your post and thinking/obsessing some more on this - I'm looking to find and make excuses for her because I just don't want to believe she would be that heartless and selfish. I go over and over in my head scenarios that happened while we were together, to try and piece together when the affair started. I always convince myself it started just before we broke up - but I know that's not true. I think it makes me feel better because then she wasn't lying to me and using me for so long. She still must have cared for me.

Then I try to figure out how well their relationship is going now. Again so I can convince myself that its nothing much, more a fling - so I can feel better that I haven't been replaced so easily.

But none of this matters. Why does it matter if the affair started in March or in August? It was still an affair. She still betrayed me.

Why does it matter if they're blissfully happy and spending every minute of the day together, or whether its a a more casual relationship? They're still together and I'm not given a seconds thought.

Why should I care if she still likes me or thinks about me? She hurt me in the worst possible way. Why should I care if she feels guilty - if she did, she would never have started the affair.

 

I know these things. I do. I just need to tell my stupid brain to stop trying to make the situation less hurtful by going over and over the same stuff. The outcome is the same whatever the scenario. I wish I could accept that fully and move on.

Edited January 19, 2011 by GoingInsane