GoingInsane Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I split up with my ex in September. It was semi mutual, I instigated the talk (we were both unhappy), she seemed to be the one left to make the decision - which took her a week. It hit me harder than I ever thought it would, our relationship was by no means perfect and we were most definitely going through a bad patch - but I found it difficult to move on. Just some background. While in the relationship, I became suspicious of her relationship with a work colleague. She swore to me nothing was going on - we nearly split up over this a few months previously. Even when I thought I had evidence, she talked her way out of it, made me question myself, made me doubt my own instincts. I decided that I would take her word over my own thoughts - but this colleague was always a source of anger and insecurity for me. When we split up, she wanted to be friends straight away. Best mates, texting, seeing one another, talking - just as you would any best friend. I found this hard and tried to put some distance between us, but we'd still be in contact about every 3-4 days. On my birthday, we went out (God this sounds crazy writing it down) and it was awkward. We both mutually decided (without even discussing it) that we needed space - and 2 weeks went by without talking. We then started our "friendship" again - although not quite as intensely as before. I felt I was doing okay, but the contact became much more frequent again and in December we have been texting every day and seeing each other about once a week. Our meetings have sometimes been a bit tense - I guess I have been pining and wanted everything to be back to normal - other times its been great and we've had a lovely time. The old colleague was back on the scene (although again only as "friends") and then I found out that this person had split from their partner in Dec after 15 years. I started getting a bit jealous but there wasn't any "evidence" of anything going on - and we'd split up - so I didn't say anything. Not proud of this bit. I have my ex's facebook login on my computer (it just automatically pops up when I go to type in the email address) and I had been occasionally logging in as her. Not sure what I expected to find - and didn't find anything whenever I logged in. Sometimes this would be daily, other times it could be 2 weeks. I was told by my ex and friends that she wasn't doing too much, was staying in - and our text conversations seemed to support this. I guess I was maybe thinking that we were getting on so well that a second chance was on the cards. She text me Christmas Eve and Chrsitmas Day, phoned me on Wed for a chat etc. Yesterday I logged onto her Facebook because I was suspicious of something she said. I found a chat page with one of her friends. The first thing I saw was "I've got a new lover, its complicated and a big secret" Then I saw "I was dating C (me) and had an affair with J (colleague). Me and C split up and I'm now kind of seeing J but its complicated because J's just split from a LTR and nobody can know about us" Obviously I was devasated to read this. Not only are they seeing each other now (although what does "kind of.." mean?) but she obviously also admitted to an affair. I decided to break all contact but my resolve lasted 10 seconds when she text tonight asking if she could call in for a coffee. I said I knew about her and J, didn't want her to deny it and was sick of being lied to. Her response...."where has this come from?". I didn't reply and she didn't send another message. I'm questioning my sanity again. Surely she could just admit it now - was her facebook chat an exageration of what's actually happened? Because she's not out much and I don't know when she's had time for a steamy affair with the amount she has been texting me etc. And why on earth is she keeping in such close contact with me? Every day texts, regular visits and calls? I'm going mad, the pain and hurt is as bad as when we first split, I've not moved on at all and feel like I've got nowhere in 4 months. I've decided to go totally NC now - but I'm dithering about taking her off my FB friends and also whenever I go to log in, her address comes up first so its too tempting to log in as her. I can't get this to disappear. Sorry for the long post - just need some courage and tough love! And some understanding on why she's been so keen to keep me close in her life?
goldenrainbow Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Goinginsane, perhaps she is contacting you because you are her "safe place". Someone she knows she can rely on. After reading her FB messages seems that she is very insecure about the other guy. PLease don't log on to her FB account, that is really the worst you can do. Besides not being something honest to do - she's not even your girlfriend anymore - it's like punching yourself in the face daily. If you confront her, she will probably deny it for a while. They always do that... Hang in there
SDA Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I think she's definitely keeping you as the rebound. This chick seems crazy. Take her off facebook and stop talking to her. She even admitted to having an affair. Stop trying to ignore the red flags. Tell her peace.
Author GoingInsane Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Thanks for the replies. Hadn't even considered being the rebound or the "safe" person - but she does tend to text me when she needs some support, as well as just for general chit chat so you might be right. She also thinks she is the great love of my life (she isn't - which is why I'm so confused at my intense reaction to the split) so I guess she thinks I'll always be available. I do think she has every right to be insecure about the other guy. He's had several affairs in the past and always got back with his LTR. How can I delete her FB login from automatically filling in the email address box? Its too tempting when that comes up. I guess she'll hate me now for blocking her.
LostinBattle Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I know exactly where your coming from. i have my wife(whos seperated) passwords too everything i cant give it up i keep spying and finding new things it hurts so much she shared so little with me reading her fb puts be in her head and in her life in a way
Author GoingInsane Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 I've fallen back into the 'waking up thinking about her' routine which had gone. Reading about her affair and kind of new relationship has jut knocked me for 6. I woke up thinking about her seeing in the new year with her new lover - when just a few hours earlier she'd wanted to call in to see me and then played dumb when I told her I knew of her new relationship. I just don't understand. After reading her FB messages seems that she is very insecure about the other guy. Can I just ask what makes you think she's insecure by her FB message? I've been reading back over previous posts I made when the split first happned and realised I've just not moved on at all. I've also been reading other people's threads and advice and can see I've been complete putty in her hands. When she texts, I reply immediately. She slways finishes the conversation, if I try to, she'll ask another question just so she gets to finish the text chat (don't know if that's deliberate or not). I can't stop thinking back to when the affair might have started, ended and reunited. I don't think she finished me for this other person. I do think they've had a break in between. I also feel anxious and scared of going total NC by taking her off my FB. I don't know why - she used to be on it all the time, now doesn't write anything - but I don't want to not be able to see how she's doing. I don't want to never hear of her again. I'm also FB friends with one of her close friends who often posts photos of them all out on the town. I'm scared of defriending her as well because I'll then never see what she's doing or how she's looking again.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 I meant to also say, I can't understand how she wanted to call in to see me when she knew she would then be rushing off to see this new person. Is it guilt? Wants to know I'm okay? Is it genuine friendship? Is it keeping me sweet just in case? What?
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 These are the very reasons you are supposed to go NO CONTACT!!!! Do you guys really enjoy getting punched in the balls everyday???? Having contact with your ex is going to set you back and keep you from moving forward. It's a natural law of nature. You have snooped and found out she has been lying to you. You should be mad as hell, and use that anger to break your loyalty to her. You don't need that crap. No, go NC. You don't even have to tell her. Just ignore her from this point on-- she doesn't need an explanation, and you don't owe it to her. Get rid of all her accounts on your computer too.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Well full NC started 4 hours ago. I haven't heard from her since I ignored her dumb act when I told her I knew about her relationship, and I've also defriended her on FB and deleted her login. Of course I had a look first and saw a photo of them out at Christmas. Not photographed together and obviously an accident to be on the photo at all - but it was there and confirmed what I already knew. She hasn't asked me what's happening, hasn't tried to contact me. I just keep imagining them together, happy and content - and of course my ex now doesn't have the guilt of having to see me and lie to me. We've had a period of NC before so I know what its like, but then I always knew we would talk again, we just needed space. Now I know we probably will never speak again. And despite all the pain she's put me through and all the lies, it makes me feel sad. She still has a key to my house which I will ask a friend to get for me (I don't want to send a dramatic text asking for it back - I want to rise above all that - and she does love a bit of drama). She also has quite a bit of stuff in my house that she hadn't picked up during the numerous visits - so I intend to gather it all up and again give it to the mutual friend to pass on. I'd like to think that she's hurting at the thought of never seeing me again and is desperate to talk to me, but I suspect she's relieved. perhaps the contact since we split wasn't to keep me as some sort of fall back plan, but was just to ease her own guilt.
TheGrimSweeper Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I'd like to think that she's hurting at the thought of never seeing me again and is desperate to talk to me I'm feeling this exact same thing right now. But you found out she cheated on you man, as hard as it is to take in now, you don't want to be with someone like that.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 I'm feeling this exact same thing right now. But you found out she cheated on you man, as hard as it is to take in now, you don't want to be with someone like that. You're absolutely right. Its crazy, whenever I hear of other couples splitting because of cheating, I think they are insane if they keep in contact. I get so angry on the poor innocent party's behalf. Yet now it's happened to me, I don't feel anger - just hurt and humiliated - and I want her to feel terrible for what she did and what she's now thrown away (i.e my respect and friendship). Perhaps the anger will come. Its like I was making excuses for her so when she lied to me with the said excuses, I could believe she wasn't lying to me or cheating. Even now, after seeing it in her own words, seeing a photo of them out over Xmas, I have moments where I think I might have got it wrong. Why do they continue to deny it? More cowardice I guess.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 So your ex-gf was the OW and she's a rebound too? Don't worry, it probably won't last long with her and that guy who left a 15 year relationship. Then she will know that she was an idiot to burn you like she did. Don't respond to her at all. The only way you will heal is by not eating her crumbs.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Yep, she was the OW while still with me, now is "kind of seeing" (whatever that means) the guy who has either been kicked out or has willingly left his 15 yr relationship. The guy who is a serial cheater, has had 3 affairs that I know of but always seems to end up back with his LTR. I just want it to crash and burn in spectacular fashion. Not going to respond to any contact and packing up her stuff tomorrow. Can't believe she has kept my spare house key and tried to keep my friendship even after all this. Hey - maybe I am starting to get a bit bloody angry!
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Yes, get angry but be careful with it. Please don't lash out at her with emails, calls, or texts. Don't bad mouth her to whomever is picking up her stuff from your house. Don't say anything to any mutual friends. I guarantee if you take the high road on this you will look back in just a little while and be super proud of yourself.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I won't lash out - I won't give her the satisfaction of seeing me angry/hurt/upset or give her an excuse to blame me for being hurtful because that's what she would do. Play the victim. I gave her a chance to finally admit it and she played dumb. Well now she can wonder what I'm thinking because I'm not going to let her know. I did put a message on facebook when I first learnt of the affair, but quickly took it down (it wasn't obvious what I meant anyway) because I'm not going to be that person. I don't think anyone saw it. I also composed a couple of texts but never sent them and I won't. They've been deleted now as have all the messages she's ever sent me. I'm not going to give them any drama to bond over or unite against me with. I'm literally going to disappear out of sight and get on with my life. I think that might actually send the ex slightly crazy, she likes to know what's going on. But I know I'll never know this unless she starts trying to contact me with apologies. But she won't. I know that we'll never speak again - she won't contact me and I most definitely won't contact her.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Well its now been 3 days since we had any direct contact with each other. She hasn't tried getting in touch since I ignored her last text or defriended her on FB. Was doing okay, but then logged onto my own FB account and even though we're not friends on there any more, I just had the urge to search for her. I did and of course not being friends, I can't see any posts on her wall or anything. My heart just started having palpitations, I felt sick - and there isn't even anything to see!! I very very nearly logged on as her to see if she had written anything, but talked myself out of it. I feel proud of myself for that anyway. And shocked at just how much it hurt to see her name and photo Its awful. I just can't stop thinking of her out having a great time with this other person, then I think maybe she's not even out at all - just at home alone (which is what she'd pretty much been doing for the last few months). Then I want to think of her being a bit desperate to find out if I'm okay, regret what she's done. But she hasn't asked about me to a mutual friend, hasn't tried to contact. She's so arrogant, she probably thinks I've taken her off FB because I'm so despertely in love with her, I can't cope. But that's not it - its because I'm angry, humiliated and feel utterly betrayed. The more I think about our relationship, the more I know it wasn't right and I was never completely happy anyway. So why do I keep thinking of it with rose tinted specs? I think because I'm 35 and she was really the only woman I'd ever had a committed relationship with (and that sounds very sad I know), I'm just scared that I'll never find anyone. I had one chance and blew it. I wasn't as in love with her as she was me at the start, and didn't show her enough attention - so she sought it elsewhere and cheated on me. I can't help but feel its my fault.
alwayshoping Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 It's not your fault at all! Cheaters have no excuse! That's why relationships are about communication! The bedrock if you will. If she wanted more anything from you she should have told you. There is no excuse to cheat IMO. You seem like such a nice person, just take it a day at a time. She will realise what she's lost when it's too late. You will definitely find someone. If you managed to get your ex, then another girl will follow suit and see you for the nice person you are! Just take babysteps, little by little you will feel better and see the situation for what it is x
LikeCharlotte Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Tell her that you know. Then cut contact. Why on earth would you bear all the pain of something SHE did? Think about it. When you are calm enough, confront her and tell her that you are still moving on but you wanted her to learn from what she has done.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 I've done that LikeCharlotte. Told her I know and now cut all contact. Thanks for your kind words alwaysshopping. Looking back at all the red flags, I'm not so sure I'm a nice person but more a complete pushover. The first time I confronted her with my suspicions, we had long talks about it, she had to fight to make me believe her. I shouldn't have, but I did. The second time, she didn't even try to convince me face to face, it was done on phone and text. She didn't even have to try that hard - I bet they were laughing behind my back at what a complete desperate fool I was. I just can't believe that someone I opened my heart to and claimed to love me so much could do that to me. I remmeber saying to her at one point, begging her to admit if it was true, that I was turning into someone I didn't like. A needy, insecure, jealous mess. I said I didn't like the person I was becoming. She swore to me that she wasn't being unfaithful. What a nasty piece of work. She could see how it was destroying my confidence and my self belief - yet she still lied to my face. Does she honestly think she was protecting me?
davisc123 Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Listen mate, first off I went through a very similar situation almost a year ago now. I did a fair bit of snooping on FB and found out a few devastating truths about my ex. You've done the right thing by cutting off all contact, and now that you've found out what you have don't ever be tempted to go back onto her account. Believe it or not, if you stick to the course you are on just now you will soon have the high ground, you just have to go through a lot of sh*t attacking your thoughts. I guarantee you that your ex will be back in touch. Her new fling is flimsy at best, and the notion she is 'content' is ridiculous. But no matter what happens, or what she says when she comes crawling back IGNORE HER AT ALL COSTS! Don't give her the satisfaction, and don't show her any pity. You deserve better
Author GoingInsane Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Cheers mate. I just need reminding sometimes to keep strong and it will get better. I'd love her to come crawling back, so I could tell her where to go, or just ignore her. But she'd probably turn on he waterworks, manipulate me and have me feeling sorry for her in an hour or so! I've got to get a backbone and remember all the lies and crap she put me through - but I do know that there's no way on earth I would take her back. I do doubt she'd ever ask anyway to be honest - she's too arrogant to admit to making a mistake. I don't even want this new relationship to fall apart spectacularly and hurt her. I'd rather it fizzle out with a whimper so she could see that chasing after something forbidden for some excitment isn't real life. Working on a relationship and communicating is what makes it work - the excitment of the chase will always die. The best bit is what comes after that. Pity she's too immature to realise that.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 3, 2011 Author Posted January 3, 2011 Well, day 3 of NC but the first day of complete NC (ie haven't searched for her one facebook or looked at photos). Have been thinking about her a lot though. I'm getting angry thinking about how she was using me now. We didn't live together, but she spent 5-6 nights a week at my house - didn't contribute any money apart from towards food etc - so why come back to me every night when she knew what she was doing flirting then having an affair with the other guy? I also think she'll be blocking out the guilt of what she did and will somehow be blaming me. Something that really irritated me today...she is currently buying her first house so has been getting stuff for it, kitchen equipment etc. A year or so ago she bought some bits and bobs for my house, I didn't ask her to, she just did. Probably spent about £100 in total - bearing in mind she hasn't contributed anything else in 2 and a bit years. Anyway, when we split, I mentioned to a friend that I wondered if I should give her the kitchen bits she bought back. My friend said no - my ex bought them for my house - don't give them back (the ex had also mentioned these items to the same friend - just in passing - and had agreed that she bought them for my house). When she called round, I mentioned the bits and bobs - said I felt bad that she'd paid for them. She said not to feel bad, she bought them for my house (reiterating or more likely copying what she'd been advised to say). I found out today, apparently she said just a couple of weeks ago that "I wish I'd taken that sugar bowl" (its a nice one I must admit but for Gods sake!). I just can't believe how selfish she is!!! She'd been having an affair, was living with me (practically) for free, has started up with the lover again - and is moaning about losing a £20 sugar bowl!!! I have been intending on packing up the things she's left here and leaving them at our mutual friends house, haven't got round to it yet but will very soon. I was thinking I would put all the kitchen equipment she bought in but now out of pure bloody mindedness, I feel like giving her everything but the sugar bowl!! Its ridiculous I know, but its really irritated me. I know if she got it back, she wouldn't feel sad or insist I keep it, she'd be pleased to have it for her new house! I think I'd rather put it in the bin than give it to her. I'm starting to see her for the selfish person she really is.
Author GoingInsane Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Day 4 NC. Once again I woke up thinking about her (as I used to when we first split up - I'm bitter that I've gone back to that) and I've had thoughts about her pretty much all day. I go from being furious and never wanting to hear from her again, to furious but upset that she hasn't tried to contact me to explain. It would all be lies anyway - but I thought she cared more about me and what I think about her than to simply walk away and never speak to me again. I want to know what she's doing but don't know why. I suppose I'd like to think that she's upset, but our mutual friend thinks she's probably just getting on with things and not giving me a seconds thought. I wonder when I'll simply stop even thinking about her, let alone obsessing about what she's doing. What makes it even worse is that she, the lover and me all work for the same company. I'm one of the managers though - I think they're both running scared that I'll do something to them at work. I won't. And it kills me to think I'll bump into them sometime soon. Have also been thinking about photos. I really don't want to get rid of them all of her. Surely she's a part of my life and I don't just want to wipe her from existance.
D78 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 GoingInsane, I hope day 5 was a bit easier. About the photos - I put every item I associated with him (except my beloved ukulele, my bicycle, and my microwave) into boxes and put the boxes in a spare closet. Seeing a picture of him, or worse a picture of us, was just too painful. Maybe someday I'll get all the stuff out. Maybe not. Instead of deleting all the photos, maybe you could burn them onto a disc or upload them to a flash drive, put it in a box, and take it out when you have recovered? Good luck.
Recommended Posts