end of it all

[LostinBattle]

im in the army.. stationed at ft hood Texas .my wife and i have a 2 year old son. she and my son are my WORLD. when i have a horrid day at work, coming home to them heals me.

 

that being said, the army has destroyed me. some people make it some people dont. im one of those that hasnt yet. i enlisted 6 months after meeting my wife, because she got pregnant. we had such a good time together. i fell in love the second i saw her.

 

to put it all in perspective i need to start at the beginning. i met her in a teen homeless shelter. i had recently gotten evicted from my mother and fathers apartment, because they had both abandoned it. 1 and a half years before they moved into it with me, our house burned down and all my brothers and sisters were put in foster care. 3 brothers 3 sisters all younger. i was 16 at the time it burned down. both of my parents are schizophrenic. basically extreme paranoia seeing things violence and manic depression. i was not put in the foster care system because i was too old.

 

my parents separated leaving me in the apartment unpaid. i didnt have a job and i had flunked out of highschool from being a advanced placement student. i droped out in 12th grade 5 months before i graduated.

 

so this lead me on a path too a teen homeless shelter with no where to turn.

a homless man my parents knew that won a lawsuit against a pill manufacturer saw me eating at a food kitchen our family frequented when i was younger, and gave me 400 dollars. no mind you this is new york 1 week before christmas that i got evicted. much like the situation i am in now except all the way across the country.

 

i met a great guy in my first week there at the homeless shelter. he wanted to join the army. the recruiter told him he couldnt join because he was bipolar and it was in his history . they asked me if i wanted to join and i said **** NO. (too put the real reason i enlisted into perspective).

 

that day he killed himself. Christmas eve. he took all my money and my laptop

and jumped off a bridge. he left a note for me saying "**** the world". that next day i planed to kill myself as well.

 

and thats when i saw her. she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. she was sitting on the couch in the shelter looking partly scard/angry at everything. i walked up to her and introduced myself to her. in my life before i had talked actively only to one girl and maybe to 2 or three girls. i had never had a girl friend before and i was still a virgin. i was scard to death of talking to girls. i hated myself(just as i still do). but something made me do it. something inside me pushed me to say "hey my name is **** if you ever need any help around rochester i can help you out, ive walked just about every where haha." she just looked at me.

 

the next day me and her started talking agian. she had just come up from florida after seeing her mom for the first time in 16 years, and she had lived with her mom for a year, befire her mom kicked her out. she had come back to ny to live with one of her foster familys that she had known, but they couldnt house her. she asked if i knew alot about the busses. she had found a job offer in a children center that she was put in as a kid. i knew all the busses so i went with her. along the way i just fell into total oblivious love. she was perfect in everyway, and we were kindred spirts.

 

eventualy i got a job of my own and she needed help finding a place to stay. i went every where with her. i sort of protected her. she felt safe with me. i felt like an angel had been sent to me from god and saved me from killing myself. we eventualy got a place in the same building, and instead decided to put our funds together and be room mates. i slept on the couch for about a month and we went on about 3 or 4 dates. on febuary 10th 2008 i lost my virginity too her. it was perfect she had the perfect body it was like a dream come true. we had so much fun together. we would just sit up late at night talking to each other, some times she would tell me what she wanted to be in the future, her perfect wedding her perfect family, something both of us never had. she would sing to me in the most beatiful voice. i hate country. but when she song her favorate songs, my heart melted.

 

after 4 months i propsed too her. she said yes. we started planing it all from the dress to the location too the guests. now we were still poor as **** both making minimum wage , but we had enough for a small very minimal wedding.after a week of planing she told me she had gotten over excited. and that she didnt want to get married. it devistated me. i quit my job, but soon found a new one. we started fighting, always arguing. she quit her job and things got very tough. i started stealing from work just too pay our rent. but the sex! we had so much sex it was insane . 4 5 times a day for 2 months straight. she treatend to leave i threatened to leave but we stayed together ****ing each others brains out. in june she got pregnant. she was devistated. she told me she was planing on leaving me and i had done it on purpose to keep her with me. part of me did. part of me didnt. but we both consented to all of it. we didnt even use protection at all. it was bound too happen

 

i quit my job, and we didnt have any money for anything. she had been talking alot about joining the navy, and she even went to a recruiter. but then she found out she was pregnant. so we decided that i had to join the military. i didnt want to. i was 180 pounds, never run a day in my life with athletic athsma. but the army recruiter sold me the world. basic training was like collage. so i took the asfab. i got a 99 ( max score) with maxed out scores in all the sections. i was offered every job, any job i wanted with a 50000 dollar bonus. i took it. 25u signal system support spec. i wanted something with computers he assured me i would be working with encryption and networking.

 

he lied.

 

we got married on july 29th 2008 and i left for basic training on aug 7th.

 

after 3 months of training, i finaly saw her agian. she only sent me 2 letters in basic. it was the hardest part. i almost had no contact with her. too this day she says she didnt know she was supposed to send letters she thought i didnt want to talk to her.

 

i went streight from basic too ait. my ait took 12 months. 12 months away from her. we had phones of course and we talked online. but more than once i thought she was cheating on me and vise versa. i wasnt given leave fro christmas. i wasnt given leave for my sons birth. i had to watch a wall on web cam while i hurd her scream. the second worst day of my life.

 

a few months later she brought my son to see me and she sayed in a hotel. she droped all the baby wieght and sent pictures of herself naked too me. they were beautiful, except for one. a picture of her vagina. i know it is utterly immature, and stupid of me , but i didnt want to see it when she came. i just couldnt have sex with her. she was so horney and she kept telling me before she came. and i let her down. so she assumed i was cheating on her. it broke her. over that time she had truely fell in love with me. and i didnt see it all i hurd was all the other guys whos girls broke up with them, cheated and left them.

 

i finaly got to my duty station. good old ft hood tx(not) she moved her with me we had some financal problems but we made it thru. we had the perfect relation ship. but it only kasted 4 months. agian and agian money got in our way. we faught more.

 

i didnt have a license. i never needed one. so i had too get rides to work. i was an idiot i should have gotten one when i first got there. but i didnt. i procrastonated. and now i cant get one for a year, but i digress.

 

all of the stress she felt as if she was taking care of another kid. and i dont blame her. i was getting more and more depressed bye the day. my unit was one of the worst units on ft hood. the shop i worked in was full of people, and they openly showed how they didnt like me. they made my life hell.

 

at christmas i was put on funiral detail, so i couldnt take leave for christmas. my wife went back to her mom for the 2 weeks and came back. we were doing good once agian. then came the big change. my nco moved me too a new troop. a line troop. full of combat mos's. people who HATED pogs(person other than grunt) but i managed. i had one person with my mos who was leaving and i was replacing him. it was almost a great honor, becuase i was replacing an nco as a private. but they thru me into a job i didnt have the rank for, or the experiance for. i tryed to learn it all. but i failed.

 

at this time i also started getting staff infects. eveyr where on my body. it started with my wife she got one close to her vagina, and then i got them. every where. they were extreamly panful , i couldnt walk, sit, ****. our sex life went out the window.

 

my deppression grew deeper. i started skiping pt in the mornings. i lost all the work i did in basic and in ait and got fat. finaly my wifes brother put the straw on the camels back and told me i need to get rid of charlene. he told me she had been seeing other people, and that she was still in contact with her first love. he said i needed to sell her xbox and ps3 and get the money to square away my gear.

 

i came home and told charlene. she denyed it all and she said there was no way i was selling it. it was the only thing in the house that was hers. i needed the money to fix my gear, or i was in deep ****. i broke i started screaming yelling braking things, and i got very close to hurting her. and i did it all in front of our son. i realised what i had done, how i looked exactly like my parents and i broke down crying and told her i was going to kill myself, becuase she said she was leaving.

 

i was put on 24 hour watch. now i had been but in the barracks before for getting into trouble and during that time, charlene had sent pictures to guys and cyber sexed online with guys she met on world of warcraft. when i was put on that 24 hour watch. i snaped agian. i kept calling her. telling her i was sorry. she siad she didnt care it was over. i checked her emails he phone records ecerything. 1 week after i left she was posting on craigslist that her mom had told her to use craigslist to find some one and she was just looking for a freind. it broke me. now this was days before my unit had to go to california for a month, and most of it i wouldnt be able to contact her. it started tareing at me

 

i got too the training in california and i tryed talking to her. she repeated we were sperated. i found a phone number i didnt recognise and i track the guy down online. our phone bill showed she had sent more than 3000 text messages and more than 400 picture messages. i knew what was going on. but she was too smart. then she got a staff infection towrd then end. i suspected the entire reason i got one before from her was she must of had sex with some one else. but i had no proof. i had taught her well. she became almost as good as me with computers and she cleaned up her tracks.

 

when i came back she said i could sleep on the couch so i did. during my training i had droped 40 pounds and gotten very built very fast. its all i could do too keep what she might have been doing out of my mind. she hadnt expected it. we became intament agian. some of the best sex we ever had. but i found the logs on google. google saves your searches if you log in with your account. on the day before she got the staff infection she searched "do guys like squirters" i had never seen her squirt before. so i brought it up. she told me that she had squirted while masterbating for a guy she met online. but she later admited it was when she met a random guy on the street, and had sex with him in out house. i took it with the punches i had figured as much and it was my fualt we were seperated. so i forgave it. she never thought she was wrong. and she is adamant that she has never cheated on me or done anything but then.

 

we got so much better. i kept all my promises. except getting the license. i was planing to get it but i was afraid. i started driving with out it. it made me feel like a man.

 

my unit was preparing for deployment in september 2010. i hadent had a staff infection in 3 months so i was going to deploy. i wanted too so much i knew what it would do for our relationship, i knew the money would help us. but i was put on rear d with all the non deployables. they said becuase i went for mental heath help, with mydepression when i came back from my training in california, that they didnt want to risk taking me. it broke me once agian. but i didnt give up. i saw it as an oppertunity. and opertunity to go to school, and work out and spend time with my family.

 

they deplyed on time and i was the only s6 guy left. i was working on computers everything i always wanted. we didnt even do orginised pt in the mornings i just went to the gym on my own. it was beyond perfect

 

we started getting financal problems agian. but in july i got part of my bonus. it was very unexpected becuas ei had gotten my last installment in dec 2009. we were so happy. so we went on leave to ny when they deployed. we had such a good time. i over indoulged a little thou. i gained around 10 punds in 2 weeks. but it was ok. or so i thought.

 

when we came back to texas, everything had changed. the one guy i was working with had been arrested for stealing army laptops, so i was put under another nco. he was the worst on the planet. didnt awnser and phone calls ever, never showed up to work. so i did my thing and it was good, for about a month.

 

i then crashed the car. the day i had planed to go and get my license the day my nco told me i need to stop driving with out a license. that day changed it all. i was given a 500 dollar fine, and put under ucmj action. i was put on extra duty, so i saw my wife almost not at all. with out a car and with out a ride too work, becuse we had an suv, but i wasnt going to ruin our relationship bye relieing on her for rides, i decided to do my duty and pull it at the troop for 2 weeks strieght. it got too me. made me so depressed. i got fat aigain. i gained about 30 more pounds. we stoped having sex agian. i started sleeping on the coutch agian. but we were ok we were going to be ok. then even more financal problems. overdrafts, huge bills it started destroying us. we got 2 loans to cover us but then a month later the same loan ****ed us over bye emptying our account to pay it so we had to get another one. and this whole time i was caring less and less. the entire state of the unit droped. piss tests every week almost half the troop got caught hot. not me i kept doing my job. but then the day the loan got taken out of our account i broke agian. i skiped morning formation so i could fix it. when i got back, it was a piss test, and i was late. the 1sgt already didnt like me becuase of the first article and a ton of other small things out of my control. so he moved me too the work platoon in late october. weeds, leaves, every day. day in day out thats what we did and the ncos were all broken. my nco had never deployed and had a twitch, he was still e-5 after 17 years in. and he was a complete dick head. i got written up for leaving a bag at work and going to sick call at the wrong time. and i was given another article 15 for it. extra duty with all of the people who had gone awol. all of the people who didnt want to be in any more. all of the druggys. it hurt and made me even more depressed. i stoped careing about my appearance, always in dirty acus, never clean shaven, always stinking.

 

charlene had it hard. she felt like she was having to take care of me agian. and i started taking it out on her. like calling her names when we argued, id call her slut, id call her a bitch, she would call me fat and a pussy. it got back but we would make it.

 

in december it all fell apart. our apartments lost our money order and gave us 3 days to move out. i didnt know what to do. so i told her to go to fl agian for christmas. she took off and i was made homeless. i talked too her on the 17th and she said she wasnt coming back. that it was over. i am devistated.

 

i am homeless agian. i am typing this outside in the back yard of some one on leave. i am house sitting an empty house. and on christmas i had to skype to see my son.

 

on the 23rd her brother took her too a club. she wont tell me what happend but guys and huge sluts are adding her on facebook. and i saw some messages she sent to a guy she met on a game we played. more cyber sex messages.

 

i dont know what to do. i want to die. help me

 

sorry for spelling errors no time to fix them i just typed it all out fast

[qbasa]

Wow, I'm not sure what to say. You had to deal with alot of struggles, but you were able to overcome them. Thru the long stretches of time that you didnt see her you persevered and improved. I notice that when you are mentally and financially stable she stays with you. But when you start to struggle financially and argue she leaves. I think her constant need for attention reflects her past and her need for approval.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you. May sound cliche but alot of your questions were answered on your post. Just keep posting....people will reply and it will organize your thoughts.

[LostinBattle]

i just needed to put it on paper its hard becuase i know its all my fault

[Duckduckgoose]

Its not all your fault. It takes two people in a relationship. That means two people are at fault. You can work on your end, she has to work on her end.

[sirweasles]

I would say you need to get counseling and meds for depression and get that under control. words somtimes are your biggest enemy and depression causes bad thoughts and there for you make bad judgment calls and speak with out thought. You honestly need to fix you make your self a person you would like to hang out with start loving you then and only then can you truely ask some one else to love you in return. Time to fix you time to start loving you. you will eventually loose her for good if you havnt already if you dont take care of you. Im in the same boat alot different but same.

[LostinBattle]

its hard in the army people look down on you especaly in my unit.. when you reach out for help .. i started getting counseling when i cam back in june. got on meds everything but i got put on rear d and me needing to go see a theropist is just an excuse to skip out of work

[sirweasles]

I am ex army I understand what its like but you have to suck it up and worry about you who cares what anybody else thinks right now you have to care about you and if you truely love you your wife you will get help at any cost but you have to do this for you or you will continue to wind down a down ward slide. Get in get diagnossed and then its no longer an excuse its a fact. If you are having trouble with the guys in your unit you have the right to get transfered to another unit you just have to be strong enough to report the problems. Use your chain of command just remember the army is very strict about harassment and if you do it right and go high enough you will be taken seriuosly. I watched an E-7 apoligize to an entire platoon becouse he made the wrong comment to an E-4 and the E-4 went to his chain of command. GET THE HELP YOU NEED. No more excuses just get help. i wound up in a mental hospital becouse I didnt want anybod to think I was messed up I would have killed myself that night had i not there is nothing to be ashamed about unless you are to weak to get help just remember there is a good chance alot of the guys in your unit will have to seek the same help becouse PTSDis a bi*** and it hits with no care as too how big you are or how personable you are it has ruined my life becouse I was to weak to get help depression is not somthing to take lightly get help start the healing prosses.