NeNinja Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Accept That She's Angry When she first finds out you've been unfaithful, your girlfriend will go berserk with emotion. She'll scream, kick, cry, and yell a non-stop stream of curse words you didn't even know she knew. She'll tell you over and over that she's breaking up with you, and she'll ignore all attemps at calming her down, apologizing, or working things out. And you need to let her. This isn't the time to try and mend your broken relationship. When a girl catches her man cheating, she's inconsolable - and rightly so. You've betrayed her trust at the highest of levels, and nothing you can say or do is going to make her feel better. If you're really sorry about what happened, you need to allow her this anger. She's completely in her right and you're completely in the wrong. If she wants to yell, scream, beat her fists on your chest and say all those nasty things going through her head right now... so be it. Getting this stuff out is the first part of the healing process, and you can't stand in the way of that. When she's calmed down enough that you can get a word in, you must tell her you're sorry. It has to be a heartfelt, genuine apology that doesn't defer blame or try to make any type of excuse for yourself. Apologize for cheating without using the words "because" or "but". Keeping your apology as simple as possible is extremely important right now, because anything you say will be run through her head a thousand times over in the next few days and weeks. Let Her Break Up With You - And Don't Fight Her On It After you've cheated, your girlfriend will be look ways to punish you for what you did. The first thing she'll do is break up with you. She'll insist it's for good, but in reality there are ways of getting her back even after you've cheated... just not right away. For now, you need to let the break up happen and not try to change her mind. One thing to realize is your girlfriend's not breaking up with you because she doesn't love you anymore. Instead, she wants you to feel the same type of pain and anguish she's going through right now. By cheating on her you've made her feel scared and alone, and breaking things off with you is her way of showing you those same emotions. She might augment the break up with other punishments, like going out with other guys and trying to make you jealous. She's doing these things to get a reaction out of you, and she's going to be watching you very closely for it. No matter how she chooses to punish you for cheating, don't mock her for it or fight back against her by pretending not to care. Accept the break up and walk away quietly, giving her time to get over her anger. Being silent is good policy here. It avoids you saying anything that might get her started again, and it makes her wonder what's going through your mind. Silence at this point will scare your exgirlfriend a lot more than anything you might say. Before You Walk Away - Make One Last Apology Once her rage subsides and you've accepted that things between you are over, it's time for one last really good apology. She'll be more apt to listen to it now, because she's already broken up with you and the damage is done. You're about to walk away for a while, and she knows it, so she'll want to hear what you have to say. Your apology should be from the heart - a true expression of how you feel. If you love her, you should be feeling guilty and sorry for what happened... and not just sorry that you got caught cheating, but sorry for what she's going through right now. Tell her so. Tell her the worst part about breaking up is seeing her in such pain, and that you never meant to cause her that. Be honest with your apology, and remember once again: don't make any excuses. Anything you say to forgive yourself - even the smallest amount - will nullify what you're trying to do. Your ex will fight you on it, and the apology will quickly turn into an argument. You don't want that. It's also good to know this handy list of things to say when you get caught cheating. At the end of your apology, you must let her know that you would never, ever do such a thing again. She'll tell you it doesn't matter, because the two of you are now broken up. This is okay - tell her anyway. She wants to hear these words from you right now, even if she doesn't fully believe you. The part of her that wants to forgive you will be glad you said this one little phrase, and it will go a long way toward getting your ex back. Try to understand that your exgirlfriend's heart is torn emotionally in two. Half of her wants to forgive you - and this is the half that will get you back together with her - and the other half wants to see you in pain (at least for a while). You need to accept her decision for now, and let her know you're hurting for both the breakup, and for what she's going through. Leave Your Ex Girlfriend To Her Own Thoughts Now comes the hard part: leaving your ex alone. This might be difficult because you'll be wondering if she's actually serious about the break up. You'll wonder if she's going to do something to get revenge, like go out and sleep with another guy. Maybe she'll move on, date someone else, forget all about you. These things will go through your mind each day, making you want to call or contact your ex girlfriend. But no matter what happens, you can't do it. You need to give your ex the time and space she needs to reconcile everything in her own mind. The first thing she'll do is turn to her friends, who will support her 100% for her decision to leave you. This might seem like an alliance against you, but in reality it's what she needs to hear right now. Getting her to the point where she's no longer angry will lead your ex straight to the next step: missing you big time. All this time alone will give your ex a sobering look at what her life will be like without you. Even if she's got residual anger at what you did, it's subsiding by now. Remember that she didn't break up with you from lack of interest, or because she fell out of love with you... your ex still has very strong feelings of love toward you. These feelings can't be turned off like a light switch just because she caught you cheating on her. They're still going to be there, and she's going to have to deal with them. By not calling her, emailing her, or contacting your ex girlfriend in any way... you're letting her deal with those feelings alone. Give Her Time To Get Over The Cheating They say time heals all wounds, and the saying is certainly true. Even in the case where you were unfaithful to your partner, the longer she goes without you, the more she'll try and make things 'right' in her mind. To move forward, your ex will need time. Time to accept what you did, try to swallow it, and get over the cheating. She has to do all three of these things before she'll want to be with you again. The good news is that time is on your side. The part of her heart that misses and loves you will always prevail over the part that's mad. Anger burns hot but fades quickly - love and longing always beat it in the long run. If your girlfriend really loves you, and you love her, your relationship can survive cheating. But getting back together with your ex is only part of the equation. The other part involves forgiveness, and each of you moving forward without being dragged down by the past. _______________________________________________________________ A friend of mine emailed this to me this afternoon. I'm not sure he found it but I'm sure he didn't write it himself. He thought it might 'help me resolve' my 'situation.' This break up would be a lot more pleasant if there wasn't a small group of mutual friend types who think this is the worst thing that has ever happened and are making it their responsibility to fix things. I'm turning this information over to LS so that you all can do what you do best: Shoot it full of holes and tell me why No Contact is the way to go.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I think this is one of those cases where the dumpee was rightfully dumped. This is trickier, and NC has to be handled very carefully if you really want to win the dumper back. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258649/
Fern Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 If my boyfriend had done ANY of these things I'd have stayed. This is like a serial cheats guide to getting away with anything! This is pure evil!
Author NeNinja Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Its really a lot of words telling you to do nothing. I really do feel bad about what I did but we'll see how this goes.
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