pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 My ex just texted me. We haven't communicated at all for the last two months, and we've been broken up for four. I feel like just now I'm getting over the hump, and feeling good. He said: "happy almost new year... you've been on my mind..." Fair enough. He's been on my mind, too. I don't hate him or anything; I just don't know how to respond to something like this, or even if I should. If I ignore him, I don't want to come off as being bitter, or like I'm "sticking it to him." However, I don't want him to think it's OK just to disappear, and then to send these kinds of messages to me. The last time he broke NC, was another text containing a sentimental message. In the future, I would like to be friendly/friends with him. But right now, it's clear we still have feelings for each other. So, do I reply?
carhill Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 If the ensuing conversation would not have significant emotional impact, sure, reply. Apparently, emotions are still involved, so do what you think is healthy in that respect. If that means continuing NC, then so be it. BTW, NC means not reading texts/e-mails too For example, if my exW called or e-mailed today and wished me a happy new year, I'd surely respond and wish her the same. No agenda, feelings, or subliminal message is attached. That's the key. Polite indifference, with emphasis on polite.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I agree. No reason to respond since you do seem to be still emotionally invested. It does not matter if you come across bitter by not answering either. He is your ex, and you owe him NOTHING at this point. Not sure of the details of your break up, but if he broke up with you keep this in mind..... If you are wondering if his texts are for potential reconcilliation they may or may not be. If he was interested in getting back he should make that VERY clear and not beat around the bush. Personally, I have no respect for a dumper who 'fishes' for the possibility of getting back together. You want back, you sure as hell better tell me= straight up! You better also tell me why you think things could be different the second (3rd or 4th) time around.
sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Panda what do you mean by "disappear"? You guys had a mutual break up, right? I think it would be okay to say Happy NY without saying that you've been thinking of him too. He may just be looking for a little ego stroke because he knew how much you loved him.
Author pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 If the ensuing conversation would not have significant emotional impact, sure, reply. Apparently, emotions are still involved, so do what you think is healthy in that respect. If that means continuing NC, then so be it. BTW, NC means not reading texts/e-mails too For example, if my exW called or e-mailed today and wished me a happy new year, I'd surely respond and wish her the same. No agenda, feelings, or subliminal message is attached. That's the key. Polite indifference, with emphasis on polite. Oh Carhill! I'm somewhere between the those two sides. I just want everything to feel OK. I might send back a text tmrw. We'll see how I feel.
paleblue Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 ignore. he is just fishing for a response to see if you are still thinking about him. unless you are 100% over it and feel absolutely nothing and want to be pals somehow, than go for it. but I don’t think that's the case. or respond if you think there is a chance of getting back together, but you have been on here long enough to know what usually happens with second chances……… so I say ignore.
Author pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 I agree. No reason to respond since you do seem to be still emotionally invested. It does not matter if you come across bitter by not answering either. He is your ex, and you owe him NOTHING at this point. Not sure of the details of your break up, but if he broke up with you keep this in mind..... If you are wondering if his texts are for potential reconcilliation they may or may not be. If he was interested in getting back he should make that VERY clear and not beat around the bush. Personally, I have no respect for a dumper who 'fishes' for the possibility of getting back together. You want back, you sure as hell better tell me= straight up! You better also tell me why you think things could be different the second (3rd or 4th) time around. Reconciliation isn't really on my mind; he lives far away anyway. I know I owe him nothing, but it's not really in my nature to be able to ignore or cast aside people. I honestly do really care about how he is doing; he's had a tough year, and I was his closet friend. It isn't like him to reach out to people or be vulnerable at all, so him sending me this text means he's probably feeling sad or down for some reason. Panda what do you mean by "disappear"? You guys had a mutual break up, right? I think it would be okay to say Happy NY without saying that you've been thinking of him too. He may just be looking for a little ego stroke because he knew how much you loved him. No, it was not mutual, he broke up with me. But that being said, we were having such a rough time that I was already considering breaking up with him, so the whole thing didn't come as a shock.
2sunny Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 since a question was never asked... there is no reason to respond.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 If he's feeling sad or down, he is going to have to get his fix somewhere else. You are not 100% over him, so the possibility of you have a set back is most definitely there. Do you really want to risk it??
Mad Max Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 DO NOT respond. He wants to make sure he has the upper hand on you.
Yamaha Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 DO NOT respond. He wants to make sure he has the upper hand on you. Seconded....
nice-easy-day Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 DO NOT respond. He wants to make sure he has the upper hand on you. thirded...
Author pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 I find it hard to believe that he texted me as some sort of power play though.
Mad Max Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I find it hard to believe that he texted me as some sort of power play though. Then you're delusional. There's no other reason.
westrock Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Fair enough. He's been on my mind, too. I don't hate him or anything; I just don't know how to respond to something like this, or even if I should. If I ignore him, I don't want to come off as being bitter, or like I'm "sticking it to him." However, I don't want him to think it's OK just to disappear, and then to send these kinds of messages to me. The last time he broke NC, was another text containing a sentimental message. You have a conflict. One one side you want to send him a reply: I don't want to come off as being bitter, or like I'm "sticking it to him." On the other side you don't want to send a reply: However, I don't want him to think it's OK just to disappear, Ask yourself how replying back "Happy New Year to you too" translates into sending him the message that it's "OK to just disappear". It doesn't. If you can resolve that issue, then you will feel more comfortable sending him a reply.
carhill Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I delete texts and vm's and e-mails (unread/unheard) from people I have no interest in all the time, even LS'ers. If the reading of such communications has a negative emotional effect on the reader and inhibits their healing, I highly recommend deleting. I set my admittedly ancient cellphone to not display texts and then delete any from senders I have no interest in acknowledging the existence of. Perfectly healthy. They don't mind, I'm sure. It's kind of like the 'ignore' feature on LS. OP, this guy was a commitment-phobe, right? Lacked demonstrative empathy and compassion? Dumped you? I forget some of the details but that was my take-away from your prior threads. Apologies if incorrect. He wouldn't get the TOD from me, but YMMV. Happy new year, BTW. Hope this year brings you joy and new beginnings
Author pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 (edited) Then you're delusional. There's no other reason. Maybe he was feeling lonely and sad and reached out to the last person he was in love with? You have a conflict. One one side you want to send him a reply: I don't want to come off as being bitter, or like I'm "sticking it to him." On the other side you don't want to send a reply: However, I don't want him to think it's OK just to disappear, Ask yourself how replying back "Happy New Year to you too" translates into sending him the message that it's "OK to just disappear". It doesn't. If you can resolve that issue, then you will feel more comfortable sending him a reply. True. I'm not in a hurry to respond. If I do, it will be tomorrow. OP, this guy was a commitment-phobe, right? Lacked demonstrative empathy and compassion? Dumped you? I forget some of the details but that was my take-away from your prior threads. Apologies if incorrect. He wouldn't get the TOD from me, but YMMV. Happy new year, BTW. Hope this year brings you joy and new beginnings I don't think he was commitment-phobe, but he did lack empathy and communication skills. He did break up with me, but I know it was because he just couldn't handle the situation -- didn't have the skill set to resolve conflict or deal with his emotions. His MO is just to avoid what is making him uncomfortable. The thing is, if he just would have texted: "Happy New Year. I know we haven't talked in awhile, but I hope you're well," I would've responded to it in a much more positive manner. My biggest issue with him is he cannot effectively communicate or resolve his emotions. So, when I got this text: "You've been on my mind," it just further demonstrates his lack of skill in this area. Edited December 31, 2010 by pandagirl
westrock Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 The thing is, if he just would have texted: "Happy New Year. I know we haven't talked in awhile, but I hope you're well," I would've responded to it in a much more positive manner. My biggest issue with him is he cannot effectively communicate or resolve his emotions. So, when I got this text: "You've been on my mind," it just further demonstrates his lack of skill in this area. The bolded part is interesting. Do you think that may also be your issue too? It seems being able to reply back with a simple communication of "Happy New Year" causes you a lot of emotion. If the "You've been on my mind" part is what is bothering you then why not call him on it and just reply back with just the question "Why?" Either he steps up or doesn't.
Author pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 The bolded part is interesting. Do you think that may also be your issue too? It seems being able to reply back with a simple communication of "Happy New Year" causes you a lot of emotion. If the "You've been on my mind" part is what is bothering you then why not call him on it and just reply back with just the question "Why?" Either he steps up or doesn't. Yes, it isn't easy for me either, but I know how to, because it's a skill I have acquired over time. I already know he won't reply to that kind of questioning. He'll just clam up and ignore.
westrock Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I already know he won't reply to that kind of questioning. He'll just clam up and ignore. Do you want to be with a guy who acts like that?
rhonian Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Panda, it boils down to your heart......it always comes back to the heart.
Author pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Do you want to be with a guy who acts like that? No, but it doesn't mean I didn't/don't love hi,. Panda, it boils down to your heart......it always comes back to the heart. I knooooow. He is still in my heart, but I'm just tired of being sad over him.
Author pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 If he were into you, though, he would actually call, not just text. I understand what you're saying, but so not like him to do that.
9Lives Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I understand what you're saying, but so not like him to do that. Maybe you can say "thank you and Happy New Year" and thats it. I understand that you dont want to seem like you got a issue with him but at the same time, that disappear and come back stuff is not cool either. I think waiting and then replying shows you are not sitting around waiting form him to be in your life. If he texts you after that, then you have to find out what he is up to.
youngskywalker Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Maybe you can say "thank you and Happy New Year" and thats it. I understand that you dont want to seem like you got a issue with him but at the same time, that disappear and come back stuff is not cool either. I think waiting and then replying shows you are not sitting around waiting form him to be in your life. If he texts you after that, then you have to find out what he is up to. This.... I read through the whole post and I think this is the best thing to do.
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