sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 That seems unusual to me. He says that he used to be very closed when it came time to let women into his life/heart. I can't believe that all of a sudden since he met me he has the capacity to be open/transparent. Just sounds potentially damaged.
paleblue Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I think it sounds unusual also. You have to wonder why... Here I was feeling bad for being 38 and never being married or having kids, but I have had at least 4 relationships that lasted 4 or more years at a clip. And a couple in between those that lasted over a year or so. Just keep your eyes open on this one... Something seems off. I cant believe he has had that bad of luck. There has to be a reason.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Why not just try to experience who the guy is and cease the projecting? It may see like relationships are easy but they are not so. It is just possible to be very unfortunate in the love game. It's not even said how many relationships he's had. If he's had 50 which never lasted more than a year, does it imply the same thing if he's had 2? By artificially imposing some "worry" about him over this, the chances are very much increased that this relationship won't last a year either. Will he need to apologize to the next woman for this failure? When does he get a fair deal for who he shows up to be? Can he "earn" any trust and love? Or is that only "granted" by way of his resume? 1
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Good to know that I'm not alone in thinking that something is off with this guy. I'm around the same age and I've been married in addition to 3 long term relationships. I didn't think I was being unreasonable in my analysis of him. Guys like this often go from woman to woman from month to month. He said that he was engaged once and met the woman in Dec and was engaged by April and broke up in August. He says that it was because she just wanted to be "married" more than anything else. hmmmmm. He also seems to have a difficult time with the word "no". People who can't accept the word no turn out to be very childlike and like to play little tit for tat games. I'm a grown woman with no time for that foolishness. Next!!!
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Frisky I have been getting to know him in spite of that. But don't you find it a little odd though?? His work requires him to have many women at his disposal at any given time (dance teacher) and he told me that he has had relations with his students. I think he may have some intimacy problems like he admitted. My thing is how does one go from admitting to having intimacy issues to being completely open with his heart?? That doesn't usually happen over night. Also he admitted to being abused as a child by his step dad and that he is not close with his immediate family.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I understand your worry. I'm past the point of trying to train a guy in essential life skills -- like opening up and having a real relationship -- so I would be wary, too. How long have you been dating? I don't think it'll take too long for you to know if something is really off and unworkable for you.
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Its been about a month Ruby and I think that's long enough to assess someone's potential. I don't want to struggle with trying to get someone to be open because I already know how frustrating that can be. I understand that everyone has baggage but some people have loads and some just have the kind you can carry on. This one might have a bit more than I'm willing to deal with.
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 If you really like him, then go ahead and keep dating him and see how he treats you. It's really not hard to see if a guy is true and "in it" for the long haul. Since you are critical of his lack of relationships lasting over a year, he could also be critical that you have been married and it didn't work out, and have had lots of other "long-term" relationships that did not work out. He could be thinking "What is wrong with her that she can't hang on to a man and what is up with the divorce? What is the story there?" You are being equally critical of his past relationships, so believe me, he could easily be doing the same analysis of you. Also, he could be thinking "Well, she has all these "long-term" relationships in her past. Is she the type of woman who cannot be independent and just goes from relationship to relationship when one ends? Something to think about. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Basically, if you really like this man and see potential keep dating him, but if all you can do is focus on his past relationships, then move on and do him a favor. Sophie the difference is that he is unable to be vulnerable which is not so much a problem for me. Being in long term relationships require one to be vulnerable and build negotiating and compromising skills. The fact that he hasn't cannot be compared to me and my relationships. My marriage didn't work because my xh was unfaithful. I am not perfect by a long shot but I also have lots of experience with love and relationships. Thanks
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 (edited) If you have already assessed his relationship potential, which you feel that there is none with this man, then why are you posting here? You seem to have him all figured out that he is damaged and a relationship with him will not work. What is your problem? I asked the question initially as to whether anyone else finds it unusual which most people do/did except you. I'm posting here because I can. You are the same person that is reconsidering dating someone that no longer wanted to be with you so don't give me any advice since I would never want someone back that dumped me. End of rant Edited December 31, 2010 by sugarmomma
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 RUN!!!! Unless of course, you just want to have fun and enjoy dating him for a year.
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 RUN!!!! Unless of course, you just want to have fun and enjoy dating him for a year. LOL!! Thanks HB!! I am looking for a ltr that will last more than a year.
westrock Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Obviously you feel uncomfortable so if that's the case then don't continue with him. It's not fair to you and and not fair to him. But, if you like him, don't judge him as potentially damaged based on the fact that at 36 he has not had a LTR that lasted more than a year. Everyone has a life story and reasons why they are where they are in their life. Just as you have a life story with your marriage and 3 LTR's so does he. Maybe in the past he was going after the wrong type of women? Or maybe he just never met anyone in his past that he felt comfortable opening up with and having a long term relationship with? My point is why judge the guy as potentially damaged based on the fact he hasn't had any LTR's? Would you have been more comfortable if he said he's been in several 5 year relationships? How would that have been better? But, one could then just as easily wonder what was wrong with him that he couldn't make any of those LTR's last. Sophie the difference is that he is unable to be vulnerable which is not so much a problem for me. Being in long term relationships require one to be vulnerable and build negotiating and compromising skills. How do you know that he does not have negotiating and compromising skills? I don't see how you can conclude that from him not being in a relationship longer than one year.
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 (edited) How do you know that he does not have negotiating and compromising skills? I don't see how you can conclude that from him not being in a relationship longer than one year. I did not say that he does not have these skills. I said that being in ltr requires one to build more of these skills. I did say that he seems to have a hard time when I tell him no to a request. (e.g) sending pics from my phone and phone sex. He kinda got distant and withdrawn. I was turned off somewhat that he wanted me to do that seeing as though we're not in a r. Edited December 31, 2010 by sugarmomma
nice-easy-day Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I'm somewhat in the same boat as the guy you're talking about. Low 30's and haven't had a relationship last past 4 months. So let me flip this. Why is it that you've been in all these LTR's that haven't lasted? What, it took 3 years for you to decide that he guy wasn't right for you? That's a little scary to think after three years you'll just change your mind and leave someone, or someone left you because you stuck around for so long. I'm just speaking hypothetically here. You can look at it both ways. I think it's a dumb reason not to give someone a chance... both ways. Speaking for myself, I wasn't interested in dating till I was in my late 20's (I was busy living life) and so far I just haven't have the luck in finding the right one. Still haven't. Maybe this guy is really great and knows what he want's in life. Maybe he's the one who should stay away from you.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 .. But don't you find it a little odd though??... A very little--not enough to behave suspiciously toward the guy or just write him off entirely. That's OK for you if that's where you're at and other love interests are an easy pick. But ya never know a person's personal experience. And it's just not as easy for men to get situated in relationships as women. Women have the power edge in this regard. If one wants to pry into the specifics, reasons and faults for someone else's lackluster relationship track record, they will find flaws and faults. But let he or she who is without sin cast the first stone. I personally don't want to know all that much about my love interest's record all that much. If she's divorced and especially divorced more than once, I will expect that she wasn't entirely faultless and be wary to see how she handles things with me. I'd be setting myself up for another fiasco if I didn't. Been there and done that. It's rarely the picture "she" paints. I don't want things prejudicing me toward her otherwise, so I'd rather hear less than more about how many relationships she has had and how long they lasted. What she does toward me is all that need matter.
westrock Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I did not say that he does not have these skills. I said that being in ltr requires one to build more of these skills. OK so he has the skills, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say. He does not have enough of the skills to your liking? A relationship is an ongoing process where we are always building more of these skills. A relationship gives us the opportunity to build up those skills and the uniqueness of every relationship requires us to fine tune our skills no matter how skillful or experienced we are. I did say that he seems to have a hard time when I tell him no to a request. (e.g) sending pics from my phone and phone sex. He kinda got distant and withdrawn. I was turned off somewhat that he wanted me to do that seeing as though we're not in a r. You have every right to say no to his request. Is it possible that he really likes you and just felt rejected when you turned him down? After one month of dating does he think you two are in a relationship? If I understand your post correctly, it seems you are turned off by his requests because you are not in a relationship with him, not that you just don't like those activities. If that is the case, then use those negotiating/compromising skills that you have built up from your previous LTR's and marriage to talk with him. It's all about communication.
Author sugarmomma Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 If that is the case, then use those negotiating/compromising skills that you have built up from your previous LTR's and marriage to talk with him. It's all about communication. I just may do that. thx!!
eric82 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 So let me get this straight... you two have only been seeing each other for like a month and he's already told you about his past girlfriends and family relationships, including past abuse, and he's admitted that he has intimacy issues. Sounds to me like he's open. What specifically are wanting and expecting from him?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 If one wants to pry into the specifics, reasons and faults for someone else's lackluster relationship track record, they will find flaws and faults. But let he or she who is without sin cast the first stone. Past behavior is the best indicator of present and future behavior. It doesn't mean people can't mature and change, but we still are basically who we are, our whole lives. If a man wants to know anything about my past relationships, I will be completely honest in explaining what happened, where I went wrong, and what I have learned and do differently now. Then he gets to evaluate the information and make a decision about whether to continue with me or not. If he doesn't want me based on past mistakes I have made, that's fine. Not a good match. In every single one of my relationships, the reasons for our demise were apparent to me within the first month. But because I was naive, or insecure, or optimistic, or who knows what, I gave things a go with them, anyway. And none of them worked out, due to those initial incompatibilities. sugarmomma wisely wants to set herself up for success with a winner. It's a great idea for her to evaluate him in this way. If she continues with a guy who's not a good match for her, it's only going to cause both of them undue stress and hardship and waste precious time that could be spent doing more worthwhile things.
somedude81 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Interesting thread. I've often wondered how women think about men that don't have a lot of relationship history. I'm 29 and due to "mysterious circumstances" (can't think of any way to explain it) I still haven't had a relationship last a month, simply because it's very hard to get a date, even harder to get a second one. I'm sure women my age will see it as a huge red flag. Good to know that I'm not alone in thinking that something is off with this guy. I'm around the same age and I've been married in addition to 3 long term relationships. Surely your old enough to know that men and women don't play the same relationship game. It's much easier for a women to get a relationship it's not even possible to compare the experiences. One thing though, you haven't mentioned if the guy you're talking about has been dateless or had lots of little relationships. Both mean different things.
westrock Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 In every single one of my relationships, the reasons for our demise were apparent to me within the first month. But because I was naive, or insecure, or optimistic, or who knows what, I gave things a go with them, anyway. And none of them worked out, due to those initial incompatibilities. sugarmomma wisely wants to set herself up for success with a winner. It's a great idea for her to evaluate him in this way. If she continues with a guy who's not a good match for her, it's only going to cause both of them undue stress and hardship and waste precious time that could be spent doing more worthwhile things. Fair enough, but is someone not a good match simply because they have not been in a LTR at 36? Interestingly, your comments can be used to support the case that the OP's guy is actually a guy worth continuing with. Maybe he hasn't had any LTR's precisely because he had the experience, knowledge, experience (or whatever) to determine early on it wasn't going to work and rather than waste precious time and stick it out unnecessarily so they become LTRs, he instead did the right thing and ended them. Now, instead of giving him credit for having the maturity to do the right thing, people are thinking that something is off with this guy. As previous posters have said, one can be critical whether one has had LTR's and whether one has had no LTR's. It all depends on how one looks at the situation.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Maybe he hasn't had any LTR's precisely because he had the experience, knowledge, experience (or whatever) to determine early on it wasn't going to work and rather than waste precious time and stick it out unnecessarily so they become LTRs, he instead did the right thing and ended them. Now, instead of giving him credit for having the maturity to do the right thing, people are thinking that something is off with this guy. Well, the last guy I dated, just for a few months, was 39 and I think his longest relationship had been about 2 years. Toward the end of us dating, he admitted to me that he had always had trouble getting close to women, and felt more solitary. And it was obvious, and one of the big reasons I didn't see us working out. I liked a LOT of things about him, and we had a great time together, but I pretty much always felt held at a distance with him. I would rather be alone than be with a man with whom I don't feel close and safe. Problems with healthy intimacy and closeness are common with people (both men and women) who have had only short relationships, and I think that's why people are wary. I'm not saying I wouldn't give a guy a chance if he hadn't had much relationship time, but I would be more careful and take my time getting to know him.
Seamless74 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Here I was feeling bad for being 38 and never being married or having kids, but I have had at least 4 relationships that lasted 4 or more years at a clip. And a couple in between those that lasted over a year or so. So would you like it if they handed out trophies for that?? I mean i guess it depends on what side of the proverbial fence your on but Im not in the business of giving credit for someone for a failed marriage or a string of long term pathetic relationships that doesnt really mean anything either.. (not saying your were pathetic but alot of peoples are) and I dont really care who was at fault in a relationship its still a failed one and thus probably a little baggage comes along with it..
Feelin Frisky Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Past behavior is the best indicator of present and future behavior. It doesn't mean people can't mature and change, but we still are basically who we are, our whole lives. If a man wants to know anything about my past relationships, I will be completely honest in explaining what happened, where I went wrong, and what I have learned and do differently now. Then he gets to evaluate the information and make a decision about whether to continue with me or not. If he doesn't want me based on past mistakes I have made, that's fine. Not a good match. In every single one of my relationships, the reasons for our demise were apparent to me within the first month. But because I was naive, or insecure, or optimistic, or who knows what, I gave things a go with them, anyway. And none of them worked out, due to those initial incompatibilities. sugarmomma wisely wants to set herself up for success with a winner. It's a great idea for her to evaluate him in this way. If she continues with a guy who's not a good match for her, it's only going to cause both of them undue stress and hardship and waste precious time that could be spent doing more worthwhile things. That all sounds very rational for detached decision making--especially for attractive young women who can pick and choose and replace within short time frames. There's not a thing in the world wrong with it and sugarmomma as well as your good self will do well to observe those "wise" guidelines. But people in the bigger sense--especially men, don't get to pick and choose and carry on like there will be endless routine choice in their lives. That's where my world view begins as a mature man. I know first fact how it is for men and I know many of them who, although good-looking and well-educated, never experienced the ability to pick and choose and, for whatever reason, wound up settling for spouses and SOs who were unsuited for them. I don't know if your quote of me implies a contention that I said anything you find wrong or offensive. I'll assume not. But if that was the case I'm sad because I thought I tried pretty hard not to come off that way. Sugarmamma did however ask a question. And I answered with my world view--it won't be the same as yours or hers. One is not better than the other and one is not right while the other wrong. They both simply are. I imply nothing about anyone else when I say I believe people have worth we can't see on their score card. No doubt we should take "...Past behavior ... [to be] the best indicator of present and future behavior..." but we live in a time where more than ever people have ways to see fault in themselves and use tools to sustain change. No one should bother to take on anything they don't feel they have to--that's always a totally fair choice. There's just something to be said for the many who struggle to find themselves and find love after life's cruel facts and that I believe people have worth we can't see on their score card. That's something I might be willing to take on. But it will be my cross to bear. 'Kay?
Star Gazer Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 What is your problem? I asked the question initially as to whether anyone else finds it unusual which most people do/did except you. You are the same person that is reconsidering dating someone that no longer wanted to be with you so don't give me any advice since I would never want someone back that dumped me. End of rant She's doing the same thing in my thread. Weird. The guy in my thread is 36 too, and hasn't really had a LTR. He kinda had an excuse though (he was a professional athlete until 32/33 and was really focused on his career, constantly moving, etc.). But it explains some of what I considered "oopsie daisy" behavior on his part (and not just what's discussed in my thread).
Recommended Posts