Miss Digital Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Last night my b/f of 6 months called to see how my day was and chat (a regular occurance if we don't get to see one another). He is under a lot of stress at work right now, and to top it off just found out he might get deported for some lengthy amount of time, maybe even for good (he's British and is working in NYC till at least November..his visa was supposed to be renewed but now there are all these complications). Of course this upset me, and upon expressing my feelings of being upset he went absolutely mad! He couldn't believe that I would be upset about the situation, saying that I was being selfish because while I might not be able to see my boyfriend for a few months, it would ruin his life and everything he worked for. Having him yell at me like that just made me burst into tears and seemed to fuel his anger. He then tried to change the subject and ask me about the new chihuahua puppy that I just got for my birthday...this has been a difficult subject for us for at least a month as he is convinced that I am not ready to have a dog due to my busy schedule..well the worst part is that he was right about that, and I had been realising it over the past few days. He also thinks that because I chose to get a dog, I was choosing my pet over our relationship because he is very allergic and we wouldn't be able to see each other ever. Well I finally cracked and admitted that he was right. I am not capable of taking care of my puppy. I feel so terrible about it and he launched into a whole lecture about how Americans mistreat animals and I was stupid and selfish and how I should have listened to him. He really laid into me. I had no idea he had all this pent up anger against me. Then he said that we were over, and that's when I freaked out. I couldn't believe he was punishing me over this. I know that I messed up and I feel so horrible for my poor little dog, but he really made me feel that I'm just a cruel animal abuser. I begged him for a second chance, and he gave in but as he kept lecturing me on what a horrid person I am he would change his mind about getting back together with me and then I would have to beg and plead with him to give me a second chance...this actually went on for about an hour. Now here is the really confusing part: at the end of the conversation (when he has finally agreed to give me a second chance) he says that if I can find a way to keep my dog with me at work, then he would watch it in the evenings from 6:30-9:00 while I'm at school...WHAT?! I just don't understand. He tells me that we can't be together because of the dog and his allergies (and because he thinks that he doesn't know me anymore because I made a really bad decision against his advice), then he offers to help me out with watching my puppy...I just don't get it. I don't know if he's letting out all this anger and frustration because of his deportation problems or if thinks I'm scum now or what. Tonight he will be out drinking with his coworker for St. Patrick's day..I don't expect to get to talk to him, though I'll be thinking about this the whole day, as well as my puppy problem. I made a terrible decision out of selfishness and I'm paying for my mistakes but why is he trying to make me suffer more?
lostforwords Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 WHAT???????? YOU think your being selfish??? and this is yoru fault??? cuz you got a dog for your birthday????????? .... NONE of this is your fault hes a loser for taking all his crap out on you and you need to see that...... girly get rid of him........ you don't need a guy whose already abusing YOU and only 6 months into the relationship.......
overseas2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 He is acting like anybody else would in a relationship where he managed to get power over you. YOu let him say those things hence he does. He knows you don't want to loose the relationship at any cost and he jerks you around. You should not let this happen no matter how much you want and love him. Because the bottom line is. He will lose respect for you and it will only get worse. Draw the line now before there are no boundries left for him to cross.
jmargel Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Miss Digital, You didn't do anything wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty over. He overreacted BIG time and showed you a side of him you didn't previously know about. If he is going to continue this, do you really want to be with someone who's so fast about breaking up with you? I was engaged and my ex did that to me. Everytime there was an arguement I got the ring back. Made me a nervous wreck. I was afraid to even disagree with her, and you know what? She was fine with that. As long as we did things her way all was good. I was walking on eggshells like this. When a relationship turns into a power struggle it's not going to last. You two need to better communicate with each other. You two really need to discuss him being deported. Sounds like he has a problem with this and not communicating about it. But that does not give him the right to treat you like this. Stand your ground, don't let him start emotionally and mentally abusing you.
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Power - BULL! This is the sort of conclusion-jumping that one should NOT engage in. He's not a power fiend; he was under a massive amount of stress. I don't know if he's letting out all this anger and frustration because of his deportation problems Of course he is. Not to you, but to the others who replied, I say DUH!!!!! People react badly to stress. Did he not say his whole LIFE will be ruined? For people to call him abusive or controlling because he lost it during this conversation is more than ridiculous. You have to comprehend that people are not always at their best, and that stress can really take a toll on someone. This is called compassion. When his whole future has just gone black before his eyes is not to get bent out of shape because he was grumpy with you. That is making it about YOU when clearly he's in much worse trouble now. You admit he was right about the dog; so he wasn't trying to 'control' you, he was trying advise you based on how well he knows you. Give the man a break!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cripes. We expect people to put up with us when PMS makes us grouchy. This guy hears that his future plans may all have turned to dust and gets worked up and everybody says dump him!!!! No wonder relationships have so little hope these days.
spencer Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 he is being a downright ass. has hang ups about something, and he chose to unlease his hostility on you. i know how confusing that may seem, but he lashed out at you for something that was really not a big deal, dog abuse.....please, tell him to save it. as far as you begging for another chance, bad move. I bet he feels great now, got a higher self esteem for making you feel bad. this is a pathetic situation. you know what...... the dog will be fine with an owner that loves and feeds him. good for you that despite your busy schedual you still have room to make for a loving pet. does your bf honestly think this puppy would be better off in the shelter or something. not everyone can quit their job, buy a 50 acre property to raise a dog. besides,dogs aren't that fussy. tell him that he apparently has anger issues and that wouldn't be healthy for the puppy to be around this kind of attitude, the dog might get depressed, and he sounds too emotionally immature for this kind of responsibility. dont allow him to be mean to you, ive been here and its not going to lead to any positive outcome. quit while your ahead and take some power back, stand up for yourself, ..please.. try it, it cant hurt anymore than you have been hurt already, but you will come out of this with self respect.
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 People. The man hears that he may lose his visa and ALL HIS FUTURE PLANS!!!!!! Do you not think that just maybe he might have been in a bit of a state? He didn't beat her. He didn't abuse her. He was stressed out and reacted very strongly. It's to be expected in these circumstances and certainly not the time to be deciding the whole fate of the relationship. People need to give people allowances to be human, for pity's sakes. Nice to know people are so understanding of others!
lostforwords Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 k moimeme..... read her post AGAIN!!!!!! he called her names.... hes trying to control her...... he ABUSED HER.... he made her cry and BEG FOR HIM TO TAKE HIM BACK!!!!! yeh ok hes taking his crap out on her........ so you saying thats ok????????? so everytime he has a bad day then or something happens its ok for him to treat her and abuse her this way???? she doesnt deserve it..... he used the dog as an excuse to berate her...... yes hes going through a rough time..... that doesnt give him any right to play mind games with her making her feel like shes nothing and doesnt deserve him AND then makes her BEG to take him back...... its all about control with him... hes lost control with the deportation thing so why not gain control and use it with her...... good god moimeme.... you are one person i would have never expected to totally miss the signs...... you oki???
lostforwords Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 jmargel and spencer have hit it right on the head.... its a power struggle...... dont let him treat you like this.... it IS abuse..... my suggestion to you is google.com on emotional abuse..... see what you come up with..... k yes he had a rough with his visa.... that doesnt give him any right to take it out on you at all..... just because hes acting "HUMAN" doesnt mean he needs to treat you any LESS THAN a human.... dont stand for it...... its only 6 months into your relationship for petes sake......
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Chill. It was ONE TIME. You don't lose it and fly off the handle and dump someone because, in the midst of an extremely stressful situation, he behaves less than ideally and says things that upset you. Let's take a breath and examine this without losing it. he called her names. And you never, ever EVER called someone a name when you were stressed out? Not even once? Hell, you call me names. Not only that, he didn't call 'names'. He accused her of BEING stupid and selfish. Again, the words of stressed out anger. he made her frikkin cry He didn't 'make' her do anything. She was upset by his anger and his reaction. She could have told him that she'd discuss it when he felt calmer and hung up. Sometimes people upset us. That's life. It's upsetting when someone is angry and they blame you. Suck it up. It was ONCE. and BEG FOR HIM TO TAKE HIM BACK!!!!! He didn't 'make' her do that, either. Again, she should have realized he was stressed out and reacting to the stress and walked away from the conversation. That he was saying this stuff was a sign that he was in severe stress is all. so you saying thats ok????????? I am saying that not one single one of us is all sunshine and light all of the time and that we have to understand that when someone is having a rotten time, they may not behave perfectly. And make allowances. And expect the same in return when we have wretched days. But this was more than just a bad day. This guy's life came crashing down around him. A little empathy, anybody? Yeesh!!! so everytime he has a bad day then or something f*cked up happens its ok for him to treat her and abuse her this way???? No. I didn't say that so it's ridiculous to say I did. that doesnt give him any right to frikkkin play mind games with her making her feel like shes nothing and doesnt deserve him AND then makes her BEG to take him back. Look. Nobody 'makes' anybody do anything. She was free to tell him to take a hike. She could have reacted any number of ways. She should have realized that he was stressed out and offered to give him time to cool down. She could have allowed him to think that she accepted his choice. He would have called back to apologize because they were words said in haste and in stress. ..... its all about control with him... No. It's about a one-time blowout due to extreme stress.
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 It was one time. The amount of overreaction to what he did is no better than what he did.
lostforwords Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 as usual, moimeme, I beg to differ... you are entitled to your opinion of course....
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 That sort of comment is uncalled-for, LFW. I see perfectly clearly. People deserve to have allowances made for them sometimes, including you and me. When life knocks you into the ditch, it can be pretty hard to see clearly or behave like a saint. Maybe you can instruct us all on how to not react badly when your life collapses before your eyes.
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 She should keep an eye out to see whether he overreacts to other things (road rage? too impatient? there are lots of signs), to see if there is a pattern, but to dump anybody over one incident would be to jump to conclusions too quickly. Even the courts allow that people in extreme emotional states can make one VERY big mistake. More than one, and it's no longer a mistake or isolated incident.
niko1999 Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Ok, before we continue this, I think we need to ask Miss Didgital something. Has he ever behaved like this before? Ever called you names, said you were selfish, before? In the manner that he did? I agree with you being upset you have a right to be, but so does he. And you unfortunately were the one that he took his anger out on, as we ususally do to our loved ones, becuase theyre there. Lost for words, Moi, you guys generally give great advice, but please back off of eachother. Yes, bot h are entitled to opinions. but we need to look at what the original poster wrote, and figure out if he has done this before, before we call him controling and abusive, and tell her she needs to break up with him. Miss Digital, I would just relax for now, and give it a couple of days to simmer over, he is obvoiusly very unsure of what is going to happen in a life taht he seemed to have had pretty well mapped out. But please do answer the questions of if he has done this before, so maybe we can stop this fighting amonst members.
Timbo Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 I don't think anger is the emotional state this guy was in. Sounds alot more like fear. Even the most gentle and lovable creatures can become combative when wounded, cornered, or scared. He's just learned that his entire life and dreams (possibly even the ones he had for you and he) are about to go down the drain. It's very easy to sink into a feeling of helplessness and despair. For all you know, his first thought could have been "oh no...she's gonna dump me when she finds out that I'm going to lose everything when I am deported and not be able to see her for an extended amount of time". Think about that. On the other hand, if he does make it a habit to dump you and make you plead for the relationship to continue, then you should let him go. He doesn't respect you and probably never will. My best wishes, Tim
befuddled11 Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 To some extent, I can understand his frustration with you getting a type of pet that he's very allergic to: the puppy. Did you know about his allergies to dogs prior to getting this puppy? However, I find it amazingly odd that after chewing you out for getting it (him claiming that he'll now no longer be able to go to your place because of the puppy being there) about it, he OFFERS to look after the dog during the evenings for you. That makes NO sense at all. I mean geezus, is he allergic or not? Given the nature of his "flip out session", he'd be the last person I'd allow to look after my pet, considering what a huge stink he made about it. NOW..as for the puppy.....puppies require a lot of time and attention and training and such. If you're at work all day, and at school in the evenings, when do you have time to properly care for the puppy? It doesn't sound like you thought that one through very well. It's cruel, IMO, to allow a puppy to be alone at home all day and evening..they very much need social interaction...and attention and love.....and it takes someone "being there" to teach them to be paper-trained and such. Have you ever had a puppy before? Do a search on Google http://www.google.com and type in the box: puppy care ...and you'll get lots of valuable info on how to care for a puppy......that's very important. Don't get rid of the puppy BECAUSE OF HIM.....only find a GOOD LOVING HOME for this pup if it's because you're simply not able to properly care for it. If you got rid of it because of him, and he's deported, then you'll likely feel guilty that you got rid of the pup for nothing. Make sure that you are very careful in finding a GOOD home for this pup if you have to.....don't just put an ad in the paper advertising "free puppy to give away"......There's lots of irresponsible, scummy people out there who love free pets ...you have to be selective. See if there's a "NO KILL" animal rescue/shelter in your area.......call up your local Vet Clinics to ask if you're not sure. As for your boyfriend's tantrum, I don't care how bad of a day he had, it sounds like he was a real pr*ck to you. Is this common behavior for him? To yell at you like this? We all have bad days. That doesn't give us the right to verbally abuse and humiliate and talk condescendingly to our loved ones. No way, no how.
overseas2004 Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 We don't know the history of this couple so we can not comment on whether he always acts like this. As far as him having a problem I can understand that he had a bad day and acted like an A__. And that he lashed out at her. And I don't think this should be made the end of the relationship. But what I do think is that she should draw the line on this kind of behavior or he is going to do it all the time. People will do to you what you let them do to you. And if she does not want to be broken up with every time he has a bad day then she should DRAW THE LINE. And what I mean by drawing the line is to sit down with him and say the following: I know you had a bad day and you are really worried about going back and your visa etc... I worry about losing you too and I had a bad day as well because I don't want you to go. And yes you were right about the dog and all that. But you tried to break up with me during this conversation and that hurt me deeply. If you think that you and I are not for one another I am completely going to accept that. But if you are doing this because you had a bad day and you are blowing off steam I want you to know that I find that completely unacceptable and I do not want it to happen again. Of course this is the way I would do it. She can say what she likes but I don't think that one should be subjected to threats about being broken up with all the time. I say this from personal experience. I had to live with this all the time. And what ended up happening that I was scared all the time and so our relationship went to hell because I got controlling. So I am just offering healthy advice to what should be stopped. I am not saying she needs to break up with him. She just needs to lay it on the line. JUST BECAUSE YOUR HAVING A BAD DAY DOES NOT ENTITLE YOU TO BE A JERK TO THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU.
hopeless Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 Dogs are relationship killers. Last woman I dated with a dog loved the stupid drooling mutt more than me. Never, ever date a woman with a dog. Unless of course, you have one too.
Recommended Posts