East7 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 With hindsight, I can say today that the A with MW not only caused chronic sadness but also was destructive for my social life and hers too: I neglected friends and my hobbies, I had no more pleasure in things I used to do before because I would spent my time thinking about her or being sad about us. Although I was never depressed, the chronic sadness was kind of paralyzing and made me lose pleasure with activities I used to enjoy before. The most terrible thing was that while I was surrounded by friends I was missing her and thinking about her instead of enjoying time with other people. I neglected personal projects, my job, everything that was part of my social life. If I can summarize it in one word it was a paralyzing-fog. She told me she has been feeling the same way for all long our A. It is really since A is over that I feel like I'm doing things again and enjoying my activities. Have you noticed any impact on your social life ? I guess I'm not the only one to have been going through this. Happy New Year Eve to all !
TigerCub Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Happy new years East!! TO answer your question. I don't think my A affected my social life in the sense that I neglected my friends - I'm glad that that didn't happen. However, because I wasn't going to put my life on hold cuz of MM, I dated, but when I was out on most of those dates, I would be thinking of him and comparing those guys to xMM and such. I also found it very difficult to concentrate on work (especially if there was drama/fight going on with me and xMM). And that crushing sadness you described - oh yeah!...that was there for sure!! Maybe for me that was the reason I made sure to still keep in contact with my close friends and hang out with them as much as I always did - its good to have the people that love you around when there's so much drama and uncertainty.
calliope Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 However, because I wasn't going to put my life on hold cuz of MM, I dated, but when I was out on most of those dates, I would be thinking of him and comparing those guys to xMM and such. I also continued to date other guys. One time in particular I met a man online & we met for coffee. He was nice, attractive, good conversation. We chatted for 2 hours, made plans to meet again, then I had to leave to go to work. When I got in my car, I cried all the way home because as nice as he was, he was just the wrong guy.... I actually went out on a date last night. The guy isn't my type at all, it was a little boring, but as hard as it is, I'm trying to just act normal and move on.
MorningCoffee Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 My affair kept me from circulating among new people as much as I otherwise would have, because I was just too immersed in it. But the biggest effect on my social life was that which the secrecy had on my interactions with friends and family. Here I had this torrid love affair (I know, cliche, but accurate) going on, the biggest most important thing in my life for the past several years, and I couldn't share anything about it with anyone. That was awful! One valuable lesson of this has been learning the difference between "private" and "secret". "Private" can be healthy and liberating, as in proper boundaries appropriate to a particular relationship (friend, relative, child, lover, etc) whereas "secret" tends to go along with behaviors that might be troubled, inappropriate, embarrassing, or socially disapproved. Going forward, I am all for private, and for keeping away from secret.
White Flower Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Nice post MC! Another aspect of secret vs private is when a tragedy occurs. There was a poster a while back who suffered greatly when his fOW died and he had nobody to share his grief with, so he joined LS. Then he was punished by particular posters who felt his feelings should be directed toward his wife. People forget that a MP struggles between the heart and the head. His head told him to stay home, but his heart can't be forced to follow suit; one can only hope. I had a friend who went through this exact experience. She went back to rebuild her M, then her OM died a couple of years later. She had a funny feeling and even had some dreams if him visiting her and so she asked me to call his work. Sure enough, he passed away. Later she called to thank me for being there for her during that time. She didn't want to hurt her H by expressing her pain about fOM's passing, but she needed to mourn his loss nonetheless. She said it was difficult keeping her mourning a secret, even though most people prefer to mourn in private.
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