This is where I'm at

[hanging on for now]

We are separated, married 25 years and kids are grown. Causes go both ways. I have a porn addiction which is currently under control. Don't ask me how since I'm in the house alone for 6 months but not going there. She had an affair which became physical after she moved out. She has since stopped the affair, saying she just couldn't destroy me by asking for a divorce. She also said she felt guilt toward her lovers wife and me as well. I had known about the relationship since May but had it was confirmed in November so I had time to process it, work through the steps of betrayal, anger and the like and was able to get to the point of reconcillation relatively fast. Although nothing gives a person the right to cheat, circumstances in our marriage did push her to search. The thing is, now I'm trying to reconnect with her and she doesn't act like she has any feelings toward me what so ever. And yet when a female in our community posted on my facebook, she went nuts, saying I was blind if I didn't see that she was making a play for me. I told her that I wasn't on the market and she didn't have much right to say anything to me. I didn't deserve it. Still I love her and want her back but at every corner; every thing I try, she puts up the road blocks. I expect most responces to this will say let her go and move on but I just can't do it. 27 years; 57% of my life has been spent with this women. This is the first time anything remotely like this has happened and I just know that we can fix this but she has to want to. We are in counselling but every week it is a rerun of all the bad stuff I did for 25 years. I have problems bringing up anything wrong on her. Not because it didn't happen but I either forgave her or overlooked it because I loved her. Need some advise.

[robf1971]

And yet when a female in our community posted on my facebook, she went nuts, saying I was blind if I didn't see that she was making a play for me. .

 

And you say she doesn't act like she has any feelings to you?

[robf1971]

ant her back but at every corner; every thing I try, she puts up the road blocks..

 

What are you trying and what road blocks is she putting up?

 

Under the circumstances you describe, she deserves a chance. The best thing you can do for her is to show you have changed through your actions. You both need a transparency plan, ie her allowing you access to your mobile, FB, email etc and vice versa so she can see that you are no longer surfing porn. It is incredibly important that she never contacts the AP ever again.

 

Your both willing to be in counselling that is a fantastic sign she wants to work on you both. When she tells you all the bad stuff, what hit's home?. Sure lots of it is BS but no one is perfect. Use these to make changes, not just to win her back but to inprove yourself.

 

It took years to get to this point. She didn't just wake up one morning, and think "I'm gonna have an affair" so don't think it's going to be fixed in a week. As for her acting that way, don't try reading her mind, It's likely that she is getting over the affair, or it could be 100 other things..

[2.50 a gallon]

Prior to my marriage, my XW pursued me for a good year before I relented and we got engaged. From that day on she started a journal in her mind, which I now call the Book of Bad, in which she recorded the date and location of every little offense, with clarity. It was frustrating as most of them were her taking something out of context and twisting it to be offensive, whether intended or not.

 

I once complmented her by telling her she looked good that day. Her response was to the effect, "You didn't think I looked good yesterday" Months later she reminded me of the day that I told her she hadn't looked good the day before.

 

We broke up about 6 months after getting married, so I only had about a year of entries. I can't imagine a 25 year book.

 

I hate to say it but, if she can't forgive and forget there is not much hope in going forward.

[hanging on for now]

And you say she doesn't act like she has any feelings to you?

 

As I said, this has been going on since June. I have been trying to answer to her requests to change since that time. What it got me was her moving out, having an affair and litterly acting like she has zero feelings toward me. She said she loves me but threads it as the "father of her children". There doesn't appear to be any romantic love in her heart for me. I have offered her access to the computer to check my key strokes. She is far more computer savy then I am and could find it if she wanted. She also gave me passwords to her email and facebook page. The problem is she had shadow accounts which she used with the creap. When she told me of the sex, I believe it was to release her guilt more than to be honest with me. I asked her to break all ties, loose any gifts he gave her and be honest as to the relationship of the affair, as much as I need to know. My gut tells me she hasn't been completely forthcoming on all these. We still talk but she has no interest in trying to resolve any of our issues and refuses to forgive me for the porn. I have been able to forgive her for the affair, believe it or not. And yes she is willing to continue counselling but if she isn't willing to take a step toward resolution, I don't know what this will accomplish.

[hanging on for now]

What are you trying and what road blocks is she putting up?

 

Under the circumstances you describe, she deserves a chance. The best thing you can do for her is to show you have changed through your actions. You both need a transparency plan, ie her allowing you access to your mobile, FB, email etc and vice versa so she can see that you are no longer surfing porn. It is incredibly important that she never contacts the AP ever again.

 

Your both willing to be in counselling that is a fantastic sign she wants to work on you both. When she tells you all the bad stuff, what hit's home?. Sure lots of it is BS but no one is perfect. Use these to make changes, not just to win her back but to inprove yourself.

 

It took years to get to this point. She didn't just wake up one morning, and think "I'm gonna have an affair" so don't think it's going to be fixed in a week. As for her acting that way, don't try reading her mind, It's likely that she is getting over the affair, or it could be 100 other things..

 

I have read until my eyes hurt. One book I searched out is the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. In it, it describes the 5 ways we portray or receive love. Words of adfirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and physical touch. There is a quiz at the back which will show what your love language is. Mine is physical touch. My wife, words of afirmation. Right now physical touch is obviously not an option and quality time, not so much. She will allow me to give her a kiss good bye but she doesn't kiss back. A hug is one way. When I say she looks pretty or I love her, I get back, " you didn't say that for the past 25 years, why should I believe you. Well it's been going on for 6 months now. She won't allow me to do acts of service and gifts are not accepted. Those are the road blocks. I suppose she is blue over breaking contact with him. I also have taken to my heart the things she has said which were wrong. I want to change the things which need changed and am trying. But mostly my heart just aches missing her.

[hanging on for now]

I guess what I am needing to know is she actually needing time to process through all that has happened before focusing on trying to save our marriage or is she just stringing me along until we reach divorce court. I've heard her say that the easy thing to do would be to come back to me, both financially as well as me providing a loving environment. When statements like that come out, I question what it is she wants. She has said that I've changed but she doesn't think its final. I told her, "if moving out and having an affair didn't get my attention, I'm a lost cause." She also said that I would hold the affair against her for the rest of her life. I said I'll never forget it but with time I could once again trust her.

[hanging on for now]

The only feelings I get from her are anger and jelousy when someone else shows any interest. Kinda like, she can do what she wants but I can't. Sad thing is, I'm not searching out another lover. She did that.

[bornb4thewind]

 

It might help if you would validate that she has "bad stuff you did for 25 years". It sounds as if you have discounted those things that she feels were done to her. You dont have to agree with them, just acknowledge that they are real to HER. Also, if you forgave her or chose to overlook things she did then you are not allowed to bring them to bear now. It seems as though you may not have been as forgiving and loving as you may perceive yourself. Try listening to what SHE is saying while leaving yourself out of the equation. Her feelings are just that: Hers! When it is your turn, then try addressing your issues, but not on her dime.

I hope this helps you in some way. I learned alot of this too late unfortunately to save my marriage. Hope it helps you.

[hanging on for now]

I have taken everything she has said to heart and have both apologized and said I either want to change it, never do it again or adjust it where it doesn't interfere with our marriage. I know she doesn't believe me. That is the problem. I simply don't know what else to do.

[bornb4thewind]

I have taken everything she has said to heart and have both apologized and said I either want to change it, never do it again or adjust it where it doesn't interfere with our marriage. I know she doesn't believe me. That is the problem. I simply don't know what else to do.

 

Then sometimes, even though it is not what you want, and you feel you have done everything you can and will do, you have to walk away. No relationship is supposed to be hard. The one you and she had is over. The key is to try and start a new one. Leave the past behind. If love is there, then building a new relationship will come naturally. But remember, she must accept who you now are just as you must accept her as she now is. The two people that you were, are no more.

[robf1971]

She will allow me to give her a kiss good bye but she doesn't kiss back. A hug is one way. When I say she looks pretty or I love her, I get back, " you didn't say that for the past 25 years, why should I believe you. Well it's been going on for 6 months now

 

Stop initiating! when she is ready let her do the initiating, it's been 25 yrs, how can you expect this to turn around in months.

 

Stop the "I love you's" she knows you are only doing it to get her to say it back to you. I didn't say that to my wife for 4 months, in fact I never thought I'd get it again. First time she said it again, was a few weeks back, I thought it was because she was drunk, but she's now telling me this every day, I still never say it first.

[robf1971]

But mostly my heart just aches missing her.

 

Too needy, she can smell it a mile off, stop acting like a lovesick puppy in front of her. How can she be attracted to that?

 

Imagine you were dating a girl for the first time, and you kept telling her you loved her and forcing kisses onto her, it would come across as desparate and needy and you wouldn't stand a dog's chance with her. Why any different with your wife?

 

Stop initiating relationship talks with your wife, it just puts pressure on her, If she starts one just validate and agree with her. eg

 

Her " You've been a terrible husband"

You " Your right I have been"

 

In her mind that is the honest truth, arguing with her will reinforce those feelings and will only entrench them further. Try Googling emotional validation, that's the key.

 

Become an interesting self confident guy, get out buy some new clothes, new haircut look good, go out on your own, take up a new hobby. Look in your local area there's always tonnes of stuff to do eg kickboxing classes, Salsa dance. By all means ask your wife along to stuff with you but if she doesn't want to just go alone. These are the sort of changes she will notice but don't do them for her, do them for you.

[hanging on for now]

I understand the stand back approach. Don't pressure approach as well. And I agree it is what I need to be doing. It is so difficult to do. I hope you all are right.