SunsetRed Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 While I do agree with Homebrew's philosophy of getting oneself back rather than trying to get an ex back, sometimes people take this "working on yourself" stuff too far. I've heard it said that we shouldn't try to get our needs met through other people, we should instead be our own lover and meet our own needs. Who the hell really wants to do that? Should we spend the rest of our lives living by ourselves in single unit apts, eat alone, watch TV alone and masterbate?? We need other people in our lives. Other people complement us and give us balance. What's wrong with wanting that special someone to spend time with? I didn't get lost in my ex and he didn't get lost in me, we just really complemented each other and blended together, at least I thought so. Well, maybe he had other needs, that's why he's gone and I am being a great ex and am leaving him completely alone. But is it really that unhealthy to miss him like crazy, to crave him or to even start craving the attention of another man? Does "working on myself" and "getting me" back mean that I need to spend the rest of my life with a cat and some double AA batteries?
USMCHokie Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Does "working on myself" and "getting me" back mean that I need to spend the rest of my life with a cat and some double AA batteries? Working on yourself doesn't mean that you need to completely isolate yourself from the outside world. It doesn't mean you should stop hanging out with friends, and it doesn't even mean you should stop dating altogether. It just means that you need to return to the things that defined who you were before the relationship. For a lot of folks that get caught up in relationships, these defining things get lost in the romance, and people instead become defined by their partner and their relationship. It's about becoming a whole again when you were once a half of something. For some, it takes longer than for others. If you are able to retain those qualities, interests, activities, etc. that had defined you prior to and during your relationship, then good on you! Being able to retain the whole that is you while you're part of something bigger is a very important trait.
2010_Sorry Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 LOL... SunsetRed, I love your sense of humor. Your post made me laugh for sure. I think it's also about not being "needy" for another relationship. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where the person needs you to make them happy... therefore the dumpees should make themselves happy again, accepting who they are, and being "okay" with the fact that they may not be in another relationship for a while...
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Sometimes people take this "working on yourself" stuff too far. There is no such thing!
Ajax Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 There is no such thing! However, I believe that for those dumpers who say that they need to "work on/find themselves" it is a gargantuan pile of BS and a cop out to get out of the relationship.
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 However, I believe that for those dumpers who say that they need to "work on/find themselves" it is a gargantuan pile of BS and a cop out to get out of the relationship. Hahahahahahaha! Now that was funny (and true!)
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 While I do agree with Homebrew's philosophy of getting oneself back rather than trying to get an ex back, sometimes people take this "working on yourself" stuff too far. I've heard it said that we shouldn't try to get our needs met through other people, we should instead be our own lover and meet our own needs. Who the hell really wants to do that? Should we spend the rest of our lives living by ourselves in single unit apts, eat alone, watch TV alone and masterbate?? We need other people in our lives. Other people complement us and give us balance. What's wrong with wanting that special someone to spend time with? I didn't get lost in my ex and he didn't get lost in me, we just really complemented each other and blended together, at least I thought so. Well, maybe he had other needs, that's why he's gone and I am being a great ex and am leaving him completely alone. But is it really that unhealthy to miss him like crazy, to crave him or to even start craving the attention of another man? Does "working on myself" and "getting me" back mean that I need to spend the rest of my life with a cat and some double AA batteries? Hahahahaha! You dogged me out! And to think... I was going to ask you out for Valentine's Day! Great... Looks like I will be spending it with my cat and a bottle of lotion instead.
Els Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I think people sometimes take the 'self-sufficient' thing too far. For most people, it is really quite nonsensical to tell them 'If you can't be as happy out of a relationship as you are when you're in a great one, you shouldn't be dating til you can'. Well, that's usually not going to happen. We should never view a R as something we can't survive without, but for most people a good R is going to make them happier than being alone. It's really just like having lots of money. Sure, you can survive without, but very few people can truly say they'll be as happy rich as they are poor.
Perplexed81 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Sunset hit right on the button. Ok lets face it, whether we need the ex or need someone else, the bottom line is "WE NEED" thats it! There is NO such thing as getting one self back prior to before the past relationship becuase before that one was another and another before that. Lets face it people, every last one of us here and beyond NEED someone, its just human nature. We need to be loved, we need to be complimented, we need to feel safe......and none of this is done alone. I can sit here and say all day how great I have it, I make decent money, I have decent looks, I have great friends, I have great family, I drive a nice car, I have all these goals I aspire to accomplish BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS. In the end the ONE THING thing that gives us THAT HIGH that no other drug can (and yes its a drug, it does something to your brain believe me) besides money or material things is the geniune love and caring of another person. If my statement had no truth whatsoever then this entire forum wouldn't even exist.
SDA Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I'm sorry this is random but it seems like a hot thread right now. Two of my ex's best friends liked my status on facebook. It was a while ago we were still broken up. It said "chicken nuggets and snow, my favorite things" ahhaha because it was finals week and the dining commons had a late night snack and it was snowing. Why would they do this? To make fun of me? It just kinda popped in my head. And as for this topic I think people should just wing it. Go with the flow, with the NC because you'll do things that you wouldn't normally do. Working on yourself shouldn't be planned out it should be making sure you are healthy.
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 When have I ever said to isolate yourself from the world, only eat twigs and berries and chant all day while hanging upside down? Geesh!
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Sunset hit right on the button. Ok lets face it, whether we need the ex or need someone else, the bottom line is "WE NEED" thats it! There is NO such thing as getting one self back prior to before the past relationship becuase before that one was another and another before that. Lets face it people, every last one of us here and beyond NEED someone, its just human nature. We need to be loved, we need to be complimented, we need to feel safe......and none of this is done alone. I can sit here and say all day how great I have it, I make decent money, I have decent looks, I have great friends, I have great family, I drive a nice car, I have all these goals I aspire to accomplish BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS. In the end the ONE THING thing that gives us THAT HIGH that no other drug can (and yes its a drug, it does something to your brain believe me) besides money or material things is the geniune love and caring of another person. If my statement had no truth whatsoever then this entire forum wouldn't even exist. You can say this all you want but the fact of the matter is... Homebrew does not NEED someone to be Happy. For me... Homebrew WANTS someone to share his life with and experience Happiness together. There is a HUGE difference between the two! I have dated girls that think like you... These are the same girls that look to me to do the following: 1. Tell them who they are 2. Make them happy Neither one of those is my job or my responsibility.
bl22 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I have to agree 'working on myself' is not bull**** often dumpees including myself will have low self confidence and self esteem after a being broken up with (or left for someone else) I went through asking questions like why me? What is it that ive done wrong? Is it my fault? Putting all the blame on myself, something i did, or just how i am? Working on yourself is about regaining your natural and inner confidence. Its about coming back a stronger better version of you than you was before you met your ex. Its about looking yourself inside and out, finding the flaws and working on them. Eventually we will reach a stage where we 'love us' again, when we do, we can happily love others the way we loved our ex's. And this time we will be better, wiser, stronger people.....No BS there.
GreenPolicy Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Dumpees need to take a good, long look in the mirror and honestly ask themselves what they did to contribute to the demise of their relationships. What mistakes did we make? Did we choose wisely in being with our former partners? What did we ignore in our relationship? What would we do differently in our next romance? I'm sure our answers will vary person to person, but there is an opportunity to learn and grow regardless of how our relationship ended.
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 "Healthy" People (Want to share their lives with someone and experience happiness together) Get their self-worth, their self-esteem and their identity from God (I’m religious) and from within. "Unhealthy" People (NEED someone) Get their self-worth, their self-esteem and their validation or approval from a women / man, a relationship, a job, money, looks, friends, family, health, material possessions or anything else for that matter. It is impossible for them to really love YOU, for "YOU". What they are really in love with is any number of things that you or your relationship offers... It could be that you are a challenge, they feel needed, the excitement of being in a new relationship, the conquest, your looks, the sex, your family, your friends, your personality, your job, playing house, taking care of you, your drama, your problems, your kids, your lifestyle, etc. Something about you or the relationship serves their purpose… Their desire and need for approval and validation will influence every decision they make and all of their actions. Everything and I mean everything will always be second priority to this need and desire… This also includes you and the relationship! There are NO EXECPTIONS, NONE!
Author SunsetRed Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Well, I have "worked on myself" a lot since my Sept break up. I did some things to improve my life, like work overtime and paid off a debt. More importantly, I've done a lot of self examination and reflection and I realize how I contributed to our break up and what I need to improve on for the next relationship. My self reflection is where I've gotten myself "stuck" because now that I realize what it is about me that I need to fix, want to call my ex and say "Hey, I'm different now..., I'm not going to do/say XYZ anymore" Well, I'm not calling my ex. Not because I'm strong, but I know what Homebrew said is true, any contact I initiate will drive him away. I'm not looking for a relationship to fullfill me. I know people who date online and their attitude is "I'm a man/woman on a dating site and you're a man/woman who sent me an email, so let's date...my place or yours" I am giving online dating a try though. It is a way to increase your chance of meeting people. I'm not wanting just anyone to fill the void, I just miss the companionship of my ex and want him or someone like him. Since I cannot make any of this happen, I'm just going through the motions of moving on...I'm working out, redecorating my place, getting out and meeting people. If I numb myself with busyness I'm ok. It's just when I get a chance to rest and catch my breath, thats when I start feeling sad about my break up.
january2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 (edited) Does "working on myself" and "getting me" back mean that I need to spend the rest of my life with a cat and some double AA batteries? You haven't tried rechargeable yet? I'm of the view that it's pretty much impossible to not need other people at all and to solely rely on oneself for everything. Sure, you can make a go of it, but somewhere along the way you're going to have to compromise. Having that special connection with one person or a few people is important to many. And once you've felt that, experienced it, it's hard to contemplate not ever getting the chance to have that again. At one time, you 'mattered' to that special someone but now that connection has gone, it's almost as if you don't matter anymore. That's what you have to find again when you work on yourself. I like this quote from Susan Sarandon's character in Shall We Dance: We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0358135/quotes She's referring to marriage specifically but I still think the quote applies to couples who aren't married. Edited December 31, 2010 by january2010
Graceful Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Sunset, Well, I hope I read your original post right, as I saw it as being a bit sarcastic and actually, very amusing; I do like the premise behind it, b/c I think that there is a point where "working on yourself" can get to be a self-parody if you don't get out and walk the walk, so to speak. We all know the stereotype of the "new age" person who is always "working on themselves" and who has all the self help books lined up on the shelf, but in practice, has still not ventured out into the world to live life and put anything into practice. Sitting at home in a pair of old pajamas, eating a pint of ice cream while watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" for the 200th time never got anyone anywhere! (note: I don't own any pajamas, and don't eat ice cream 10 months of the year b/c it makes me too cold, so I have two out of the three conquered) Not to be too "new age" about it, but the truth is that life really is a journey, not a destination, and we should work on ourselves the same way, as part of our life journey, stopping to have "tune ups" and do maintenance of some sort, whether we have a partner or not. I do like the part of "working on myself" that requires me to go out and buy a new outfit, though. I also love my new cowl neck tops and earrings (I have them on right now!), as they have both worked wonders. Most people tend to do the "work on themselves" after a break up, though, instead of doing it as part of maintenance. That's like waiting for your car to break down and seeing the engine oil light come on to realize you haven't had the oil changed way beyond the time limit. People take better care of their cars and houses than they take care of themselves. The "outside" looks good, but the "inside", not so much. I don't know about anyone else, but I am ok with the dings and dents in my armor, I know how they got there, and I can only smooth them over so much. They're a part of who I am, I am happy with how I manage that part of me, and if someone is looking for a perfect partner, then they are welcome to leave me alone and look elsewhere! I come with a few scars and quirks, but I am not broken! Happy New Year and keep the faith!
Perplexed81 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Homebrew, I might need to rephrase my statement becuase you took it all wrong. I never said we need someone to be happy but rather that it all leads to the same road and thats to share ourselves and BE happy with someone. No one can sit here and say that they'll be happy being alone the rest of their lives becuase it us utter bull****. Everything around us, from making money, to aquiring material things, to getting healthy to blah blah blah. It all leads to what?.......eventually trying to find that person to share it all with and be happy TOGETHER. This working on yourself and getting back to before the last relationship is basically all just ourselves trying to hit the RESET button and try it all over again. Prior to our last relationship we were up here, now were down there, so we are trying to get back up there again to what?....do it ALLL over again with someone else.
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Homebrew, I might need to rephrase my statement becuase you took it all wrong. I never said we need someone to be happy but rather that it all leads to the same road and thats to share ourselves and BE happy with someone. No one can sit here and say that they'll be happy being alone the rest of their lives becuase it us utter bull****. Everything around us, from making money, to aquiring material things, to getting healthy to blah blah blah. It all leads to what?.......eventually trying to find that person to share it all with and be happy TOGETHER. This working on yourself and getting back to before the last relationship is basically all just ourselves trying to hit the RESET button and try it all over again. Prior to our last relationship we were up here, now were down there, so we are trying to get back up there again to what?....do it ALLL over again with someone else. Thanks for explaining... Like you, I am very much looking forward to meeting someone and sharing our lives with one another and the happiness that brings. After I was dumped... I wasn't in a position to be able to do that. I had to put in the hard work to get myself "healthy" again. I had to get over / deal with / accept the end of the relationship with my EX and the end of the relationship itself. Due to the rejection of being dumped, my confidence was also affected. I had to put in the hard work to restore it as well. Only then, was I able to put myself in a position where I am able to offer myself to someone.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 However, I believe that for those dumpers who say that they need to "work on/find themselves" it is a gargantuan pile of BS and a cop out to get out of the relationship. Agreed.
dreamingoftigers Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Sunset, Well, I hope I read your original post right, as I saw it as being a bit sarcastic and actually, very amusing; I do like the premise behind it, b/c I think that there is a point where "working on yourself" can get to be a self-parody if you don't get out and walk the walk, so to speak. We all know the stereotype of the "new age" person who is always "working on themselves" and who has all the self help books lined up on the shelf, but in practice, has still not ventured out into the world to live life and put anything into practice. Sitting at home in a pair of old pajamas, eating a pint of ice cream while watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" for the 200th time never got anyone anywhere! (note: I don't own any pajamas, and don't eat ice cream 10 months of the year b/c it makes me too cold, so I have two out of the three conquered) Not to be too "new age" about it, but the truth is that life really is a journey, not a destination, and we should work on ourselves the same way, as part of our life journey, stopping to have "tune ups" and do maintenance of some sort, whether we have a partner or not. I do like the part of "working on myself" that requires me to go out and buy a new outfit, though. I also love my new cowl neck tops and earrings (I have them on right now!), as they have both worked wonders. Most people tend to do the "work on themselves" after a break up, though, instead of doing it as part of maintenance. That's like waiting for your car to break down and seeing the engine oil light come on to realize you haven't had the oil changed way beyond the time limit. People take better care of their cars and houses than they take care of themselves. The "outside" looks good, but the "inside", not so much. I don't know about anyone else, but I am ok with the dings and dents in my armor, I know how they got there, and I can only smooth them over so much. They're a part of who I am, I am happy with how I manage that part of me, and if someone is looking for a perfect partner, then they are welcome to leave me alone and look elsewhere! I come with a few scars and quirks, but I am not broken! Happy New Year and keep the faith! This is my mother! She gets people to "SHUT-UP!" so that she can watch Dr. Phil! She talks about dealing with addiction even though she is the most co-dependent person I have ever met in my life. I even go to a co-dependency support group.
Perplexed81 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Not to hijack this thread but everyone here should look into your next potential mates astro sign. I'm not superstituous AT ALL but the other day I decided to look up me and my ex's sign as compatibility, what they are supposably like and was ASTONISHED at what I read. It was like reading my ex's bio, I was blown away at how to the T it was in regards to how they are in relationships. Had I read this prior I would have been more accepting of some of the things I got all wrong about my ex's personality with regards to being in a relationship with my particular sign. Anyways, just food for thought.
homebrew Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 To each there own... But I am going to trust my own judgement when it comes to what is best for me... rather than leave that up to something or someone else.
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