OwlInFlow Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Hi all, I seriously need some good advice. My story: I came out of a relationship of 3 years with a girl, moved into a nice small house and began loving my single life. An old friend of mine returned from living in another part of the country, I hadn’t seen her for 5 years or so but before she left we had expressed that we had feelings for each other and maybe someday we could get together. It turns out that one night we did, this was about 6 months after my last breakup Things where fantastic. We took things slow at first, but after a few months we where seeing or at least talking to each other daily. Everyone commented on how happy we both looked, and they weren’t wrong at that time either After 6 months we decided to live together, in my house. I began to notice a few strange things about her- mainly to do with the way she spoke about other people. Then before I knew it she had turned on me and was beginning to be abusive. I had words with her about it and it came out that she was from an abusive family and was seriously emotionally abused most of her life. She previously hid this fact from me. She promised to work on it so we could be a healthy couple, I admittedly was apprehensive and thinking that this may not work out although I really wanted it to I then found out that she is 1 month pregnant. Since then my life with her has been a living hell. I know women can be emotional in the first trimester and I am definitely fine with that, but the abuse which stems from this girl is horrendous, it literally makes me physically ill that she could talk like this to me. I tell her this all the time. I am a very gentle person and would never abuse anyone, though I am strong enough to not take abuse also. I know the difference between abuse and argument, or a forgivable ‘fly off the handle’ which we all do occasionally What the hell can I do? Everything I do I get extreme insults for. I try and sit her down to talk to her and she screams and hurls abuse, then she apologises and says she doesn’t want to lose me. I tell her that I WILL NOT live in an abusive relationship BUT IT DOESN’T SINK IN! I constantly need to remind her that she needs to work on this or she gives me a whole range of excuses of how this is acceptable behaviour I have told her that the baby will be a blessing and that I will be the best father I can even if we are not together, but because this is so deep, with a young life involved, I cant make the decision to end this easily Can anyone tell me- what can I do to make this have the best possible outcome? Do abusive people change? Will a child be better off with us not being together if she is like this? I have read a lot on this recently but I need to speak to some one who has been here before Any help much appreciated
2010_Sorry Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 It sounds like she is going from one extreme to another at the drop of a hat. Has she gone to the doctor about this? I would sit down and talk to her about this, and suggest that you both seek counseling (more for support from you only). She is experiencing a ton of emotions right now, just due to the pregnancy alone... be open with her and do your best to lead her to get the help she needs. Congratulations on the little one! Children are a wonderful blessing!!
tinktronik Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 It sounds like she is going from one extreme to another at the drop of a hat. Has she gone to the doctor about this? I would sit down and talk to her about this, and suggest that you both seek counseling (more for support from you only). She is experiencing a ton of emotions right now, just due to the pregnancy alone... be open with her and do your best to lead her to get the help she needs. Congratulations on the little one! Children are a wonderful blessing!! I agree wholly. Get the to a therapist, perhaps for couples or individual therapy. Everybody says the can't afford it but it cost a lot less than the legal fees you'll wrack up playing tug of war over a child in a split family.
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 People don't show their true colours in the beginning stages of a relationship. The behaviour you are seeing now is the real person. You are in an unfortunate position due to the pregnancy. If she's this abusive to you, how can she possibly handle being a mother??? That reality would scare the crap out of me. It's not enough to tell this woman that you won't stay in an abusive relationship, because your own actions (staying with her despite her abusive demeanor) are telling her the opposite. Just because you are having a baby with her doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life with her. Do you really want to walk around on egg shells for the rest of your life feeling miserable? Sounds like you jumped into things too fast and now you are feeling trapped. You don't need counselling- SHE DOES. If I were you, I'd suggest living apart, demand she get some counselling, and resolve to be there for the baby when the time comes. Personally, I'd be seriously worried about what kind of mother this woman is going to be. You're a kind and gentle man, and you deserve a relationship with a partner that celebrates those qualities. If you were posting as a woman in the same situation, everyone would be screaming at you to get the hell out and save yourself.
Author OwlInFlow Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Thanks all for your replies. I have managed to get it through to her that I will not tolerate her abusive behaviour and if need be we will seperate. For now things are ok but im sure therapy is the next step. Pray for me, and thanks again
goldenrainbow Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 OwlInFLow, I have just ended an abusive relationship and I know how we feel. It's not easy at all and leaving is by no means easy. I'm glad you are posting that things are ok, just wanted to say that I have been through two pregnancies and trust me, I had such bad temper. Never became verbally abusive but I know it was hard to put up with me! Have you considered that this might be caused by pregnancy hormones? Did she accept this baby well?
Recommended Posts