Bender24 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I'm 50 years old and married a woman 11 years older than myself when I was 30. Up until that time I had no intention of ever getting married. In the first 10 years of marriage everything was fine, or so I thought. I was busy with my career and my wife did what ever she wanted with her spare time. Well, 2 years ago I was laid off from my job of 17 years, and have been forced to take a job that pays 25% less than what I used to make. Also my wife was previously married with 2 sons, one of which who is in his early 30's and recently was divorced, moved in temporarily, then got a dwi and is camping out for the long term in the house. Let's just say I have little patience for this bum. My wife wants to do nothing but sit in front of the TV. It's something I noticed years ago, but I was so involved with my career I just shrugged it off. Now that I'm working a job where I have more free time it annoy's me. So recently I was invited to a vendors x-mas party, and my wife didn't want to go so I went alone. I had a blast, I was dancing (which was something that attracted me to my wife in the beginning) and talking to a lot of different people, and when I went home I got the third degree, who were you dancing with, was she pretty, etc. This has been a regular thing over the last 10 years. It's getting old. So, I've been considering asking for a divorce, this isn't just something that came up, it's been on my mind way before the party. I'm an active individual who exercises regularly and my wife isn't. I think we've just grown apart, but when I brought up the divorce subject recently she told me "don't be silly" and wouldn't talk about it anymore. I'm not sure what to do, my friends think I should be patient, but we've seen friends get divorced and the trouble it caused within the group, so no one wants to see it happen again, but I've been going to a job where I'm unhappy, now i'm coming to a home I'm unhappy, so I'm a bit confused.
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 why throw in the towel so quickly without making the time to sit down with your wife and really open up and talk to her, tell her how you feel? Is it easier just to divorce because you're feeling all the changes since you're not working the same hours as before? You loved her enough to marry her and obviously had some fun with her at some point. Reconnect with your wife! Life gets boring sometimes, day in and day out routine, job, kids, problems etc, but to just want to walk away without really trying to fix things so you both can be happier is something you may regret one day.
that girl Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I don't think a 20 year marriage should be something you throw away lightly.
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 but I've been going to a job where I'm unhappy, now i'm coming to a home I'm unhappy, so I'm a bit confused. You aren't happy at work, so start looking for something else that might make you feel more joy. Feeling confused and not being happy isn't the right time to make major decisions like divorcing your wife. Fix "you" first, find that happiness again and don't assume divorcing your wife will fix how you feel inside.
Duckduckgoose Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Please don't just do divorce. Try every other means of fixing what is wrong. I am not much experienced in this but divorce should be the last option, that "red button" you press ONLY when every other option is tried and failed. Divorcing over something that can be fixed is like driving your car off a cliff because you need new radiator hose.
Goldenspoon Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I'm 50 years old and married a woman 11 years older than myself when I was 30. Up until that time I had no intention of ever getting married. In the first 10 years of marriage everything was fine, or so I thought. Is there someone whom you're interested in? Be honest now.
robf1971 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 but I've been going to a job where I'm unhappy, now i'm coming to a home I'm unhappy Divorce isn't a magic bullet to suddenly make you happy.
Author Bender24 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 You aren't happy at work, so start looking for something else that might make you feel more joy. Feeling confused and not being happy isn't the right time to make major decisions like divorcing your wife. Fix "you" first, find that happiness again and don't assume divorcing your wife will fix how you feel inside. Ok, I just want to be clear that I haven't decided to get a divorce yet. I'm working on the job situation, but again there's this empty feeling going on with me that isn't going away. Yes, it is me, and my problem, but lately whenever she's around everything is negative all the time. And now with her adult son in the house, I feel like it's 2 against 1, I cannot be critical about this bum in any way without being ganged up on. Seriously, this guy is 30 years old, recently divorced himself, and says things like "mommy, I'm really hungry" and she jumps to make him something to eat while he plays video games and comes up with these get rich quick schemes. "I'll be making 100 grand in 6 months with (enter the latest bs project). I keep pushing for this guy to use this time wisely and go back to school, but they both come up with every excuse in the book why he can't. And now with the dwi, we've both become his free cab ride around. His father lives out oof state, and just throws money at him so he'll leave him alone.
Author Bender24 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Is there someone whom you're interested in? Be honest now. Am I having an affair? No. Is there a woman I'm interested in and is enjoyable to be around? Yes. PS, my wife decided around a year ago she's not interesed in sex anymore.
Author Bender24 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 I don't think a 20 year marriage should be something you throw away lightly. I'm not taking this lightly at all, and I'm looking for suggestions pretty much everywhere, thus the reason I looked up this website.
hopesndreams Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Am I having an affair? No. Is there a woman I'm interested in and is enjoyable to be around? Yes. PS, my wife decided around a year ago she's not interesed in sex anymore. Another WS. Direct her here after you throw her away like trash.
Author Bender24 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Another WS. Direct her here after you throw her away like trash. The question was asked and I answered it honestly. Am I going to have an affair with this woman? No, I'm not. All she's doing is lending a sympathetic ear, and suggesting ways to get my wife to talk. BTW, my wife is NOT trash. Obviously it was a mistake coming here looking for suggestions.
hopesndreams Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 It's good to answer any and all questions honestly. It gives those reading the "bigger picture" which helps us to give you the helpful advice/suggestions you seek. Am I going to have an affair with this woman? No, I'm not. Famous last words eh? BTW, my wife is NOT trash. 100% agreed! You had some great advice earlier. Reconnect with the W. That still stands BUT in order to do this successfully you MUST stop contact with your "friend", who in actuality is an interloper in your M. From what I've read, there has only been 2 years of discord. What is putting you over the top is her son that is living with you both. He is your competition for attention at the moment and you are feeling displaced. New job, less money and an unsupportive W who is just too busy to tear herself away from the tv. These problems you are having are not catastrophes! Put it in perspective. You still there?
Goldenspoon Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 The question was asked and I answered it honestly. Am I going to have an affair with this woman? No, I'm not. All she's doing is lending a sympathetic ear, and suggesting ways to get my wife to talk. BTW, my wife is NOT trash. Obviously it was a mistake coming here looking for suggestions. You're having an emotional affair.
willowthewisp Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Hello, Firstly, please don't take what I am going to say the wrong way as it may not be what you want to hear, but if you truely want to feel better, read this forum with an open mind, even if it is hard to hear. No one other than a trained MC should be advising you on how to talk to your wife. The women you are speaking with is an interloper in your marriage and you need to cease ALL contact with her immediately. 20 years is an awfully long time to throw away because you have an empty feeling (I know, it was done to me), this empty feeling, given your age is very likely to be a midlife transition and when people go into midlife, if they are finding it tough (espically with the other work changes and home life changes), they LOOK for a reason. That reason is very often put upon the spouse, unfairly, unjustly because you are in so much emotional turmoil inside that you need to find someone to blame. STOP. Think about this rationally, you didn't marry your wife and spend 20 years with her and not love her. People do not just grow apart, that love is still there, deep down. You have a choice, you can continue on the path you are on and in about 5 - 7 years from now you can come out of the midlife transition, having divorced your wife, gone to another women to feed the emptiness, prbably have been left by the OW etc and think "WHAT DID I DO?" or you can slow down, see you physician, see a trained therapist and try and work this through. I'm not minimising what you are feeling, it hurts and bad, but and it's an important but, you married your wife for a reason, love, that love does not just disappear, don't make a huge mistake.
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 The question was asked and I answered it honestly. Am I going to have an affair with this woman? No, I'm not. All she's doing is lending a sympathetic ear, and suggesting ways to get my wife to talk. BTW, my wife is NOT trash. Obviously it was a mistake coming here looking for suggestions. Yes, you are having an emotional affair, whether you're aware of it or not. This 'friend' is lending you a supportive 'ear', listening to you, making you feel better.. Let me ask, has she been touchy/feely with you? Hugs and texts? Sweet emails, saying she cares about you 'as a friend' and hates to see you in turmoil? Honestly, it's just a situation that *could* lead to something else, emotions get in the way, something taken out of context.. Even more so since she knows you're thinking of divorcing your wife.. Be careful!!!!
starting2wakeup Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Bender24, I would have to agree in that it sounds like you may have entered into an emotional affair. Look at it like this, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? How would you feel if she were talking to another man about your relationship? My wife had an EA. I found emails between her and another man that absolutely broke my heart. To read those things, to see how she was talking to another man, it was devastating. And when confronted, she played it off as nothing, and at first, I'm willing to bet it felt that way. But then it progressed. If you love your wife, don't let it progress. Good luck to you.
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