jenifer1972 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I think you should get his opinion in a round about way. Something like you were reading on the net about whether passion is a necessary ingredient in a great relationship. See how he would repond "if" he had a partner who wasn't super into him sexually. If he says, " no way , I would feel awful and cheated out of a chance to find someone passionate about me". , well you have your answer.
Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 And does "real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, comsuming, can't-live-without-each-other real love" really exist? I really do think it does. It's not common though, that's what makes it so valuable. It's what makes lifelong commitment worthwhile, IMO. I think you really understand where I am coming from. I am heartened by your response. Thank you !!!! You're very welcome!
Author Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Yes you should ditch him because you will eventually break his heart down the road. Also I hate to be a downer but chances are you will not find that whole package because subconciously you will not allow yourself to feel hot for a guy like this. Many women have the same problem. I don't know where it comes from but it certainly is there. I hate to be Mr Downer but look at some of the threads on the divorce and there is your future if you stay with this guy. I get what you are saying, Woggle, about subconciously not allowing myself to feel hot for this guy, but sadly that is just not the case. There is just a certain physical chemistry thing that just isn't quite there...and believe me, I want it to be there. There is just a certain taste and smell of a guy that totally turns you on that isn't quite there. It has nothing to do with any actions he has or hasn't taken.
Author Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 I think you should get his opinion in a round about way. Something like you were reading on the net about whether passion is a necessary ingredient in a great relationship. See how he would repond "if" he had a partner who wasn't super into him sexually. If he says, " no way , I would feel awful and cheated out of a chance to find someone passionate about me". , well you have your answer. I think I would have to be ready to break up with him if I asked him that, and I'm not ready to do that. To be honest, I think he would want to work around that because he wants to be with me. He just feels lucky whenever I get naked, haha.
Woggle Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I get what you are saying, Woggle, about subconciously not allowing myself to feel hot for this guy, but sadly that is just not the case. There is just a certain physical chemistry thing that just isn't quite there...and believe me, I want it to be there. There is just a certain taste and smell of a guy that totally turns you on that isn't quite there. It has nothing to do with any actions he has or hasn't taken. That is because your head won't allow you to feel this for a man who is reliable. You need that danger factor and uncertainty in order to get your juices flowing. It is the female version of a madonna/whore complex. You associate sexuality and passion with bad boy attributes. I have a friend who is pretty much a scumbag at this point even though I love the guy. He got this way because every woman he has been with has felt the same way with him and his last girlfriend ended up cheating on him. Since this change he has been sleeping with one of his exes in a FWB type of situation and magically she has found her attraction to him. The whole dynamic between them has changed and he has no intention whatsoever of ever commiting to her again. I say let this guy go because you can either break his heart now or you can break later on down the road.
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Spice up your sex life! Make it more fun and exciting. Role play, buy a toy or two, lube, watch porn together. You are in love with him and things are good overall, only just not as sexually passionate as your other relationships in the bedroom, that isn't settling. But, if sex is so important, and he isn't doing it for you, it'll only get worse as time goes on. You may not cheat on him, but what happens if you meet someone that you work with and have major sexual chemistry? It happens and not everybody has the strength to say no and walk away, not puruse it.
jenifer1972 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Have you ever read "Mating in Captivity? Very interesting book on passion/ comfort in romantic reationships. If your boyfriend's response would be what you say, it explains why the spark is lacking a bit.
Author Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Spice up your sex life! Make it more fun and exciting. Role play, buy a toy or two, lube, watch porn together. You are in love with him and things are good overall, only just not as sexually passionate as your other relationships in the bedroom, that isn't settling. But, if sex is so important, and he isn't doing it for you, it'll only get worse as time goes on. You may not cheat on him, but what happens if you meet someone that you work with and have major sexual chemistry? It happens and not everybody has the strength to say no and walk away, not puruse it. Yes, we could definitely stand to spice things up a bit, and I think that he would be up for that! And thank you for understanding that I don't feel like I'm settling when the other things are really wonderful. I just have to figure out how important sex is to me. That is what I am trying to do.
Author Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Have you ever read "Mating in Captivity? Very interesting book on passion/ comfort in romantic reationships. If your boyfriend's response would be what you say, it explains why the spark is lacking a bit. Thanks Jennifer! I will check that out. Sounds interesting.
pandagirl Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I am not married or in a LTR, but most of my friends are, and sex is something every couple seem to struggle with. Every couple I know goes through rough spots concerning sex and intimacy, so I think it's totally normal. I have a two friends in particular who are not very interested in sex, but are very happy in their relationships otherwise, so they're fine. I think the people in this thread who are being negative are maybe misinterpreting your situation. You ARE happy with your partner, but you wish the sex part could be more exciting. Unfortunately, I think that's something A LOT of couples struggle with!
Author Cherry Blossom 35 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 I am not married or in a LTR, but most of my friends are, and sex is something every couple seem to struggle with. Every couple I know goes through rough spots concerning sex and intimacy, so I think it's totally normal. I have a two friends in particular who are not very interested in sex, but are very happy in their relationships otherwise, so they're fine. I think the people in this thread who are being negative are maybe misinterpreting your situation. You ARE happy with your partner, but you wish the sex part could be more exciting. Unfortunately, I think that's something A LOT of couples struggle with! Thanks, PandaGirl. I know that one particular poster here has an agenda, and he is totally wrong about my feelings and motivations. The truth is that I am happy with most aspects of the relationship. I know that a lot of couples in LTR's do struggle with the sex thing. I'm also having a bit of the winter blues, so things that don't bother me quite as much seem to become bigger problems when I'm feeling a bit down.
Joe Normal Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 And if I were you responding to my post, I would most likely respond the exact same way. I get that. Why not take your own advice then? Sounds like you know exactly what to do, but are hesitating asking other people, instead of getting on with it. Sexual interest usually dwindles over time. If it sucks now, it will be horrible in 2 years, non-existent in 5 years, outright repulsion in 10 years etc. Better to start again, and don't pursue someone unless they raise your temperature pretty darn high from the outset. It's easier to smooth off some rough edges with someone you have strong chemistry with, than to try to generate chemistry from a pleasant chap who you have no lust for whatsoever.
Eeyore79 Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 So if I do break it off with my guy, I could be alone for a loooong time. That isn't really a good reason to stay with someone though; you can't stay in a relationship that doesn't work just because you don't want to be alone. You are right--I need to decide how important sex and romance and passion is to me. That is what I am trying to figure out. Compatibility and friendship IS important to me, too. In an ideal world I would have all of that, but this is not an ideal world. So this is what I'm trying to come to terms with. I can understand this, because I also felt like I had to make a choice. Do I take a risk and end a stable relationship with a good friend in order to go searching for love and passion which might never materialize? Or do I give up on ever feeling passion again, and "settle" for just companionship? I decided I was unable to accept that I'd never feel passion or enjoy sex again, so my only choice was to leave. After a few false starts, I was lucky enough to find someone who gave me everything I was looking for. The risk paid off for me; whether you want to take that risk is your decision, and you're approaching it from a slightly different angle given your age etc, so that has to factor into your decision. I grew to think that hawt passion came only with unhealthy relationships, whereas healthy relationships would be happy, but not hawt. It was as though I thought I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I also started to wonder whether getting older and gaining more life experience (i.e., not being some naive fantasy dreamer anymore) was affecting my ability to feel that hawt passion, because I was tempered by reality or something. Ahh, this sounds so familiar! I thought the same thing for several years, i.e. that I was older and wiser and therefore incapable of feeling the passion I felt in my youth... until I met someone totally hot. Yes, he was emotionally unavailable. Yes, he cheated and lied. Yes, he dumped me. But yes, he showed me that I was still capable of feeling that passion I thought I was no longer capable of. For that, I am glad that a jerk like him walked into (and out of!) my life. Knowing that I could feel such passion inspired me to look for it again, with a guy who wasn't such a jerk... and I found it! So (in my opinion at least) it is possible to have a healthy relationship which is still passionate, but it's an extremely difficult thing to find.
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