Love my bf, but the chemistry isn't there

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I haven't posted here in a long time. Good to see the Love Shack is still going strong.

 

So I've been dating my bf for 2 years now. I love him. He is an amazing boyfriend. We have a lot in common, we love to travel and just hang out together. I love cuddling with him and sleeping with him.

 

BUT...I don't have a strong chemical attraction to him. I don't crave sex with him, never have. He's not a great kisser. (Yes, I've tried to teach him). Before I dated him, I had a lot of boyfriends and a lot of sex. It ahs always been important to me, especially kissing!!! But when I met him he was so much better than all the douchebags I kept meeting. He was a breath of fresh air. But I miss the hot sex, ya know? I keep having dreams about other guys I have known.

 

So...basically I am with the guy that will be there for me no matter what. If I'm sick with cancer he will be there. He is the long term guy I've always wanted. I know that there is no perfect person for anyone, but he is pretty close.

 

I'm 38. I'm not young anymore. I look good but I'm not young. If I break up with him in hopes of finding an even more perfect person (ie someone who makes me crave him sexually as well as be a great bf) there is very little chance that I could fine that.

 

So I guess my question is...is it possible to have an LTR with someone who does not fulfill me in the sexual way and be happy? I mean, I'm happy now, but if he asks me to marry him do you think I could be happy forever with this situation? I know...tough question to answer. I just want to hear what people think.

[Eeyore79]

This is a tough one, especially given your age. I was in your situation a couple of times in my twenties - I had a boyfriend who was kind, decent, faithful, trustworthy, in steady employment - but there was zero sexual attraction; we never had sex and were more like friends. In each case I ended up leaving the boyfriend because I couldn't face spending the rest of my life in a passionless relationship, thereby condemning myself to never feeling romantic love or sexual desire ever again. A friendship was not enough for me; I wanted it all. More specifically, I wanted kids, but with that person I had absolutely no desire for the sex which would produce them. Of course, since I was in my twenties I still had time to find someone else!

 

The last time I broke up with one of those guys I was 28; your situation is somewhat different as you're 38, so your dating pool is smaller and there's possibly less chance of finding an amazing guy who doesn't come with a whole load of baggage. You could easily be in your forties before you find another suitable life partner.

 

It really depends how important sex and romance and passion are to you. If you prioritise compatibility and friendship above sex then maybe you could handle a LTR with your current bf. But if you can't handle the thought of not having passion and sex for the rest of your life, maybe it's time to move on.

[USMCHokie]

BUT...I don't have a strong chemical attraction to him. I don't crave sex with him, never have. He's not a great kisser. (Yes, I've tried to teach him). Before I dated him, I had a lot of boyfriends and a lot of sex. It ahs always been important to me, especially kissing!!! But when I met him he was so much better than all the douchebags I kept meeting. He was a breath of fresh air. But I miss the hot sex, ya know? I keep having dreams about other guys I have known.

 

No chemistry = you're not (or never were) physically attracted to him...

 

The longer you're in this relationship, the stronger these feelings of unfulfillment will become...it's not like you're searching for something that was lost along the way...that something was never there to begin with...

 

I personally could never settle for a relationship like that...and I certainly wouldn't want to be in his shoes either where I was with someone who felt that blah about me...

[january2010]

Thing is though, you're not happy. You don't really want to have sex with him or kiss him. And as you said, it's important for you to feel that way. If you're feeling this way after only two years, how do you think you might feel after 5, 10, 15, 20 years?

 

Is he happy with the level of intimacy/sex?

 

If not, then I think you've definitely got a dealbreaking situation. You could drag this on for years because of the comfort level but eventually you'll be more like brother/sister than lovers. That's when your/his wandering eye will develop into something else and you may even start to act on your attractions.

 

I suggest an honest talk about your relationship and where it's going.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

This is a tough one, especially given your age. I was in your situation a couple of times in my twenties - I had a boyfriend who was kind, decent, faithful, trustworthy, in steady employment - but there was zero sexual attraction; we never had sex and were more like friends. In each case I ended up leaving the boyfriend because I couldn't face spending the rest of my life in a passionless relationship, thereby condemning myself to never feeling romantic love or sexual desire ever again. A friendship was not enough for me; I wanted it all. More specifically, I wanted kids, but with that person I had absolutely no desire for the sex which would produce them. Of course, since I was in my twenties I still had time to find someone else!

 

The last time I broke up with one of those guys I was 28; your situation is somewhat different as you're 38, so your dating pool is smaller and there's possibly less chance of finding an amazing guy who doesn't come with a whole load of baggage. You could easily be in your forties before you find another suitable life partner.

 

It really depends how important sex and romance and passion are to you. If you prioritise compatibility and friendship above sex then maybe you could handle a LTR with your current bf. But if you can't handle the thought of not having passion and sex for the rest of your life, maybe it's time to move on.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response. When I was very young, I was in a similar situation, and I broke it off. Over the years, there were times when I thought that I should never have done that, because I never found a man who loved me as much as he did. So I feel like if I did break this off, I would regret it.

 

You are right--I need to decide how important sex and romance and passion is to me. That is what I am trying to figure out. Compatibility and friendship IS important to me, too. In an ideal world I would have all of that, but this is not an ideal world. So this is what I'm trying to come to terms with.

 

HSM Choakse--I don't feel "blah" about him, although I can see how that could come across in my post. I do love him...just not in that crazy passionate way I have felt about others.

 

Yet whenever I have felt "passionate" about someone, there has always been something that made it not work. They were in a RL, or they were not compatible in other ways. I honestly wonder if the guys I feel really sexually attracted to are just not right for me in a long term relationship scenario. And NO, I'm not talking about so-called "bad boys." I'm not into that.

[USMCHokie]

I don't feel "blah" about him, although I can see how that could come across in my post. I do love him...just not in that crazy passionate way I have felt about others.

 

I know I can't identify with the age aspect of your situation, but I would certainly want the crazy passion in a LTR...otherwise it would feel relatively blah...

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Thing is though, you're not happy. You don't really want to have sex with him or kiss him. And as you said, it's important for you to feel that way. If you're feeling this way after only two years, how do you think you might feel after 5, 10, 15, 20 years?

 

Is he happy with the level of intimacy/sex?

 

If not, then I think you've definitely got a dealbreaking situation. You could drag this on for years because of the comfort level but eventually you'll be more like brother/sister than lovers. That's when your/his wandering eye will develop into something else and you may even start to act on your attractions.

 

I suggest an honest talk about your relationship and where it's going.

 

He is happy with the intimacy/sex. I like the physical closeness, but the sex just doesn't really do it for me. I wouldn't act on my wandering eye because he trusts me..completely...and I would never do anything to hurt him or betray that trust. I would rather break it off than hurt him like that.

 

I live in a place where there are more women than men, and a lot of men are gay. The truth is that when I do meet a man who intrigues me intellectually and also attracts me physically, he is usually with another woman. This is not because I want some other woman's guy, or I want something I can't have. It just is. That is the facts of life where I'm at. So if I do break it off with my guy, I could be alone for a loooong time. And you know what? I was alone for a long time, and I like being in a relationship better. It is easier being single when you are young. When you are older, it is harder, I think.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I know I can't identify with the age aspect of your situation, but I would certainly want the crazy passion in a LTR...otherwise it would feel relatively blah...

 

 

And if I were you responding to my post, I would most likely respond the exact same way. I get that.

[january2010]

He is happy with the intimacy/sex. I like the physical closeness, but the sex just doesn't really do it for me. I wouldn't act on my wandering eye because he trusts me..completely...and I would never do anything to hurt him or betray that trust. I would rather break it off than hurt him like that.

 

I live in a place where there are more women than men, and a lot of men are gay. The truth is that when I do meet a man who intrigues me intellectually and also attracts me physically, he is usually with another woman. This is not because I want some other woman's guy, or I want something I can't have. It just is. That is the facts of life where I'm at. So if I do break it off with my guy, I could be alone for a loooong time. And you know what? I was alone for a long time, and I like being in a relationship better. It is easier being single when you are young. When you are older, it is harder, I think.

 

If it helps to know where I'm coming from, our ages are similar and I was in a similar situation, but my ex and I managed to drag out our relationship for 10+ years - I wouldn't recommend that to anyone.

 

My current location is probably a lot more conducive to dating though.

 

If the sex isn't doing it for you, I suspect that the frequency is going to tail off, *unless* you're happy to continue even though you don't enjoy it. That's when his happiness *will* be affected. Sooner or later, he will notice that you're not into it.

 

Soon, you will both notice that you're not having sex anymore. And because you're probably not kissing him that often either, you're more or less left with the cuddling. That's not enough to sustain an LTR, in my experience - granted, it's only one datapoint.

Edited December 31, 2010 by january2010

[Cherry Blossom 35]

If it helps to know where I'm coming from, our ages are similar and I was in a similar situation, but my ex and I managed to drag out our relationship for 10+ years - I wouldn't recommend that to anyone.

 

My current location is probably a lot more conducive to dating though.

 

It's funny. In some ways, I'm happier than I've ever been, so that is why I want this relationship to work. I don't miss the highs and lows of being single. I like the general happiness I get from being in a relationship. And then I talk to my married friends, and I see that the hot sex/passion diminshes as the RL goes on, so I think that what is the point of trying to find that if it goes away anyhow???

 

So what I really want is my boyfriend...plus some lovers on the side. But since I would never lie to him I would never do that. End of story. And my one friend who had an open marriage? Yeah, that went down in flames.

[Woggle]

Leave him before you really hurt him. It is better to break up now than be married and truly crush his heart.

[january2010]

It's funny. In some ways, I'm happier than I've ever been, so that is why I want this relationship to work. I don't miss the highs and lows of being single. I like the general happiness I get from being in a relationship. And then I talk to my married friends, and I see that the hot sex/passion diminshes as the RL goes on, so I think that what is the point of trying to find that if it goes away anyhow???

 

So what I really want is my boyfriend...plus some lovers on the side. But since I would never lie to him I would never do that. End of story. And my one friend who had an open marriage? Yeah, that went down in flames.

 

I can relate regarding the married friends. I think this is where you have to be honest with yourself so that you're happy with whatever decision you make regardless of the outcome.

[USMCHokie]

And then I talk to my married friends, and I see that the hot sex/passion diminshes as the RL goes on, so I think that what is the point of trying to find that if it goes away anyhow???

 

Is it possible that this happened because one or both parties settled with the relationship sans hot sex/passion...?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Leave him before you really hurt him. It is better to break up now than be married and truly crush his heart.

 

If I break up with him now it will crush his heart.

 

If we get married then I'm in it for the long haul.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Is it possible that this happened because one or both parties settled with the relationship sans hot sex/passion...?

 

Very good point.

[Woggle]

If I break up with him now it will crush his heart.

 

If we get married then I'm in it for the long haul.

 

It will crush his heart even worse if you do this down the road.

 

You say you are in it for the long haul but divorce courts are filled with women who swore they were in it for the long haul. Face the facts and realize this relationship is going nowhere.

[USMCHokie]

Leave him before you really hurt him. It is better to break up now than be married and truly crush his heart.

 

If I break up with him now it will crush his heart.

 

If we get married then I'm in it for the long haul.

 

I think he was referring to something else...

 

Reverse the roles for a second...imagine being with a guy who felt the same way about you as you feel about your boyfriend...how would that make you feel...? Put another way, would you be comfortable telling your boyfriend what you told us...? That he's a great boyfriend, but you just don't feel attracted to or passionate about him...? If so, then you're good to go.

[january2010]

Or he crushes your heart. Sans marriage and kids.

[Star Gazer]

Hi Cherry!!! Good to see you!

 

Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine with my ex, Skiman. When I met him, he was soooo different from all the jerks that came before him, in every single way. Like your BF, he was a breath of fresh air. He basically retrained me, and showed me what it was like to be truly loved and appreciated for who I am. He took care of me, in more ways than one.

 

The difference is, we had pretty good chemistry at first. I was excited about him, felt butterflies, got giddy, the whole nine. But somewhere along the line, about a year in, those feelings died. There were clear reasons for that death, but ultimately I realized I was never going to feel those butterflies and excitement for him ever again, and that I'd never really felt that crazy wild throw-down passion for him to begin with. It was never blah. I was real, true love. I definitely loved him and was in love with him and was attracted to him, but it was never like... hawt, you know? Towards the end, I remember thinking, "Gosh, if only we f*cked like I did with so-and-so... Just once... Like rabid animals..."

 

Like you, I only felt that crazy wild throw-down passion in 'relationships' where there was an obvious obstacle to really making it work - usually some form of emotional unavailability on his part. I grew to think that hawt passion came only with unhealthy relationships, whereas healthy relationships would be happy, but not hawt. It was as though I thought I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I also started to wonder whether getting older and gaining more life experience (i.e., not being some naive fantasy dreamer anymore) was affecting my ability to feel that hawt passion, because I was tempered by reality or something. I worried about what that all meant for me: would I never have hawt sex ever again?

 

Ultimately, he took the choice of whether to stay or go away from me. And honestly? I'm so glad he did. I knew it my head that it was the right thing to do shortly after our breakup. But I never really truly believed it in my heart until this past week.

 

A good male friend of mine (who, when buzzed, I have been attracted to, but not outside those circumstances), as equally frustrated with his own dating life and not having a partner and family during the holidays, contacted me and suggested we make a marriage pact - you know, if we're not married by 40 we'll marry each other and start the whole family, kids, picket-fence thing. He was half-joking, but like every joke, there was a kernel of truth to it. I jokingly agreed, and minutes afterwards I just felt...sad. I thought to myself, "Did I just agree to give up ever feeling that crazy hawt passionate love again, just to be...married? Ah, hell no!!!"

 

Granted, now that I'm back on the dating scene, I'm having difficulty getting excited or feeling butterflies for anyone I meet, but I have had moments of giddiness and excitement, so I know I still have it in me. And I'm as horny as ever! Haha! My grammy found the love of her life in her second marriage, at the age of 52. I hope it doesn't take me that long, but I won't settle for anything less than butterflies and crazy wild throw-down passion.

 

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw: "Maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite, in this lovely hotel, in Paris."

[Cherry Blossom 35]

It will crush his heart even worse if you do this down the road.

 

You say you are in it for the long haul but divorce courts are filled with women who swore they were in it for the long haul. Face the facts and realize this relationship is going nowhere.

 

I respectfully disagree that this relationship is going nowhere.

 

We have a great relationship, other than this one thing. And it is not like I don't like being intimate with him..I do. I think he is very attractive, and I like being close to him. I just don't get all googoogaga when it comes to sexytime, heehee.

 

Yes I know this "one thing" is kind of a big "one thing". But what about all the other wonderful things?? I mean, in every other way we are so compatible. I mean, pretty much every other way. And I don't find that very often.

 

The fact is that I can't talk about this with anyone close to me. That is why I'm here, on the Love Shack. Everyone loves him, they love me, they love us together.

 

I'm trying to figure out what is most important for a LTR. Before I met this guy, I would have said "SEX" for "SURE". But then I met his great guy..who does not quite do it for me in the sack. So I should ditch him...for what?? for whom?? The fact is that I would be hard pressed to find a guy this great again. They just don't come around all that often.

 

I don't want to lose him. I would miss him greatly...I would be very, very sad. And if I did break it off I would probably be alone for a long time if not forever because there just aren't that many single, straight, awesome guys around here at my age. Just the facts.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

It will crush his heart even worse if you do this down the road.

 

You say you are in it for the long haul but divorce courts are filled with women who swore they were in it for the long haul. Face the facts and realize this relationship is going nowhere.

 

And yes, Woggle, although I am talking about my own feelings and wants and needs here on this website, I do think about his feelings/wants/needs on a regular basis as well.

[Woggle]

I respectfully disagree that this relationship is going nowhere.

 

We have a great relationship, other than this one thing. And it is not like I don't like being intimate with him..I do. I think he is very attractive, and I like being close to him. I just don't get all googoogaga when it comes to sexytime, heehee.

 

Yes I know this "one thing" is kind of a big "one thing". But what about all the other wonderful things?? I mean, in every other way we are so compatible. I mean, pretty much every other way. And I don't find that very often.

 

The fact is that I can't talk about this with anyone close to me. That is why I'm here, on the Love Shack. Everyone loves him, they love me, they love us together.

 

I'm trying to figure out what is most important for a LTR. Before I met this guy, I would have said "SEX" for "SURE". But then I met his great guy..who does not quite do it for me in the sack. So I should ditch him...for what?? for whom?? The fact is that I would be hard pressed to find a guy this great again. They just don't come around all that often.

 

I don't want to lose him. I would miss him greatly...I would be very, very sad. And if I did break it off I would probably be alone for a long time if not forever because there just aren't that many single, straight, awesome guys around here at my age. Just the facts.

 

Yes you should ditch him because you will eventually break his heart down the road. Also I hate to be a downer but chances are you will not find that whole package because subconciously you will not allow yourself to feel hot for a guy like this. Many women have the same problem. I don't know where it comes from but it certainly is there.

 

I hate to be Mr Downer but look at some of the threads on the divorce and there is your future if you stay with this guy.

[january2010]

I wonder if you're waiting for someone to post that it's okay to not have the googoogaga factor in an LTR. Are you?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Or he crushes your heart. Sans marriage and kids.

 

A possible outcome as well, true, true.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Hi Cherry!!! Good to see you!

 

Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine with my ex, Skiman. When I met him, he was soooo different from all the jerks that came before him, in every single way. Like your BF, he was a breath of fresh air. He basically retrained me, and showed me what it was like to be truly loved and appreciated for who I am. He took care of me, in more ways than one.

 

The difference is, we had pretty good chemistry at first. I was excited about him, felt butterflies, got giddy, the whole nine. But somewhere along the line, about a year in, those feelings died. There were clear reasons for that death, but ultimately I realized I was never going to feel those butterflies and excitement for him ever again, and that I'd never really felt that crazy wild throw-down passion for him to begin with. It was never blah. I was real, true love. I definitely loved him and was in love with him and was attracted to him, but it was never like... hawt, you know? Towards the end, I remember thinking, "Gosh, if only we f*cked like I did with so-and-so... Just once... Like rabid animals..."

 

Like you, I only felt that crazy wild throw-down passion in 'relationships' where there was an obvious obstacle to really making it work - usually some form of emotional unavailability on his part. I grew to think that hawt passion came only with unhealthy relationships, whereas healthy relationships would be happy, but not hawt. It was as though I thought I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I also started to wonder whether getting older and gaining more life experience (i.e., not being some naive fantasy dreamer anymore) was affecting my ability to feel that hawt passion, because I was tempered by reality or something. I worried about what that all meant for me: would I never have hawt sex ever again?

 

Ultimately, he took the choice of whether to stay or go away from me. And honestly? I'm so glad he did. I knew it my head that it was the right thing to do shortly after our breakup. But I never really truly believed it in my heart until this past week.

 

A good male friend of mine (who, when buzzed, I have been attracted to, but not outside those circumstances), as equally frustrated with his own dating life and not having a partner and family during the holidays, contacted me and suggested we make a marriage pact - you know, if we're not married by 40 we'll marry each other and start the whole family, kids, picket-fence thing. He was half-joking, but like every joke, there was a kernel of truth to it. I jokingly agreed, and minutes afterwards I just felt...sad. I thought to myself, "Did I just agree to give up ever feeling that crazy hawt passionate love again, just to be...married? Ah, hell no!!!"

 

Granted, now that I'm back on the dating scene, I'm having difficulty getting excited or feeling butterflies for anyone I meet, but I have had moments of giddiness and excitement, so I know I still have it in me. And I'm as horny as ever! Haha! My grammy found the love of her life in her second marriage, at the age of 52. I hope it doesn't take me that long, but I won't settle for anything less than butterflies and crazy wild throw-down passion.

 

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw: "Maybe it's time to be clear about who I am. I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite, in this lovely hotel, in Paris."

 

 

Hi Star Gazer!!! So good to hear from you!!!

 

Wow...your post really hit home in a few ways...Yikes. I, too, have wondered if that "hawt" passion only comes in unhealthy relationships. Is being an "adult" mean being realistic about such things? And does "real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, comsuming, can't-live-without-each-other real love" really exist? Or is it just some fantasy?

 

I think you really understand where I am coming from. I am heartened by your response. Thank you !!!!