Great, I am attracted to narcissistic, smart aholes

[OceanGirl]

And I am only really attracted to guys that are realistically out of my league

[pandagirl]

I have the same problem. In fact, my ex described himself as a pacifist trapped inside an alpha male's body. Yes, he said that.

 

I'm attracted to intelligent and ambitious men (the ******* side) who have an artistic side to them (the sensitive side). The problem is, narcissism is a trait of both types.

 

How do we fix it? I'm not sure. But as I've gotten older, I just truly want someone who treats me well, and as that happens, my interest in "*******s" dwindles. As long as I follow that model, I figure I can't go horribly wrong.

 

But it's DIFFICULT, because sometimes you don't always get to know someone before it's too late.

[pandagirl]

 

My advice? Don't fight it. I don't think the person you describe is incapable of a relationship (because I don't think I am). The arrogance and narcissism are only one side of my character, and the intelligence... well, that's a good thing right?

 

People like you aren't incapable of a relationship, but I've found that, when push come to shove, you guys are ultimately selfish in a relationship and don't like to compromise.

 

Am I right?

[gisellefromhell]

What if the answer is that YOU need to be the bigger douche? (DUN-DUN-DUNNNNN)

[january2010]

But it's DIFFICULT, because sometimes you don't always get to know someone before it's too late.

 

Sad but true, based on my experience also.

[northern_sky]

People like you aren't incapable of a relationship, but I've found that, when push come to shove, you guys are ultimately selfish in a relationship and don't like to compromise.

 

Am I right?

 

Ditto. I also find that men of this type do best with women who are passive and sometimes even less intelligent than they are, even if they claim to respect women who "challenge" them. This is probably why attempts at relationships with these types have been failures. They do best when they're with women who aren't on their intellectual wavelength, imo.

[AverageJoe]

People like you aren't incapable of a relationship, but I've found that, when push come to shove, you guys are ultimately selfish in a relationship and don't like to compromise.

 

Am I right?

 

I cant speak for Dedalus, but I would like to answer this as well. You are right, because to me, compromise means changing someone. Who they are, their behavior, their traits, their being.

 

I no longer compromise who I am.

[northern_sky]

I'm a guy and (strongly) identify with your description.

 

At the moment I'm seeing a girl who loves that stuff. She even told me about a long-term boyfriend who treated her like a princess, but - yep, you guessed it - she got bored and ditched him.

 

The more arrogant I am towards her, the less I care, the more dismissive I am... ultimately the more selfish I am, the more she wants me. She knows it's not good. She knows I'm not good for her. And in my defence (and because I know it won't make her stop seeing me) I even tell her I'm not good for her. But while she is incredibly attractive and could have any of the guys who fawn over her, but she doesn't want them.

 

Out of interest, do you use self-depracating humour? And would you describe yourself as submissive?

 

My advice? Don't fight it. I don't think the person you describe is incapable of a relationship (because I don't think I am). The arrogance and narcissism are only one side of my character, and the intelligence... well, that's a good thing right?

 

Believe me, I'd probably find you adorable in real life, but you'd also probably break my heart.

[Dedalus]

People like you aren't incapable of a relationship, but I've found that, when push come to shove, you guys are ultimately selfish in a relationship and don't like to compromise.

 

Am I right?

 

I agree. I have a very caring side, but yeah, even then when I have shown a person that I'll often still be dismissive or cold later.

 

I am hoping I'll find a girl who will snap me out of it. In fact, I feel I had one, but I broke up with her (and think I regret it).

 

The bad thing is, even though I regret it I still get a huge kick out of this new girl and how much she wants me...

 

If it's any consolation, at least some of the douchebags know they're douchebags.

[northern_sky]

Ditto. I also find that men of this type do best with women who are passive and sometimes even less intelligent than they are, even if they claim to respect women who "challenge" them. This is probably why attempts at relationships with these types have been failures. They do best when they're with women who aren't on their intellectual wavelength, imo.

 

*why my attempts at relationships with this types have been failures.

[northern_sky]

I agree. I have a very caring side, but yeah, even then when I have shown a person that I'll often still be dismissive or cold later.

 

I am hoping I'll find a girl who will snap me out of it. In fact, I feel I had one, but I broke up with her (and think I regret it).

 

The bad thing is, even though I regret it I still get a huge kick out of this new girl and how much she wants me...

 

If it's any consolation, at least some of the douchebags know they're douchebags.

 

Out of curiosity what is your female "type?"

[Yer_Blues]

I'm not sure what makes someone qualified to judge somebody else as narcissistic. It's way too subjective of a label to just slap on somebody. I'm not accusing you of anything, but it's certainly possible that somebody who feels insecure with smart, independent people they cannot control to label THEM as narcissistic because their own ego has been injured.

 

Sometimes, certain people I interact with think I'm trying to like impress them or that I'm arrogant, when they are just uncomfortable with the fact that I don't just subjugate myself to their values and opinions or apologize for my lifestyle.

 

Again, I don't know your situations and don't claim to, and I'm not saying that the people you have been with haven't been actual tools. But I don't for one second buy that every person struggling with relationships is simply attracted to the wrong type. It takes two to tango, and you can't throw everything on partners.

[pandagirl]

Ditto. I also find that men of this type do best with women who are passive and sometimes even less intelligent than they are, even if they claim to respect women who "challenge" them. This is probably why attempts at relationships with these types have been failures. They do best when they're with women who aren't on their intellectual wavelength, imo.

 

I think my recent ex is a nice guy. Really. And I know part of the reason he was attracted to me in the first place was because I am intelligent, ambitious and successful -- I think it's because he was turned on by my "power" or whatever. Alas, I'm actually very sensitive and thoughtful, which he also liked, but I'm no pushover. He would NOT compromise, and even told me so much once: "I don't do well with compromise."

 

I cant speak for Dedalus, but I would like to answer this as well. You are right, because to me, compromise means changing someone. Who they are, their behavior, their traits, their being.

 

I no longer compromise who I am.

 

Compromising doesn't necessarily mean changing who you are, but it's a skill that every mature adult should have. It just means that you're able to communicate and discuss situations, where both people are satisfied with the outcome. Sure there are some things no one should have to compromise on, like your morals or religious beliefs, but when it comes to relationships, compromise is essential.

 

It's completely selfish to do otherwise.

 

And to AverageJoe: does this mean that who ever you are with romantically, will have to always satisfy what you want ?

[Dedalus]

Out of curiosity what is your female "type?"

 

Well, put it this way: the last two girls I have slept with are totally different, but I got together with them both for the same reason (because I wanted to sleep with them).

 

The first was my ex-gf who is smart, beautiful, very caring and totally well-adjusted. We were together for almost three years and had quite a lot in common. She wasn't as intelligent as me, but she was more practical (and was still pretty bright).

 

I broke up with her and hooked up with a girl at my work. She's pretty different: she is incredibly hot, not very intelligent, entirely submissive, sex-obsessed, but has a sharp wit (which I like).

 

The girl I'm gonna marry, in my mind, is going to be more like my ex. But... when I was with her, I wanted to sleep with this other girl. So, yeah, what can I say... I'm a douchebag.

[northern_sky]

I'm not sure what makes someone qualified to judge somebody else as narcissistic. It's way too subjective of a label to just slap on somebody. I'm not accusing you of anything, but it's certainly possible that somebody who feels insecure with smart, independent people they cannot control to label THEM as narcissistic because their own ego has been injured.

 

Sometimes, certain people I interact with think I'm trying to like impress them or that I'm arrogant, when they are just uncomfortable with the fact that I don't just subjugate myself to their values and opinions or apologize for my lifestyle.

 

Again, I don't know your situations and don't claim to, and I'm not saying that the people you have been with haven't been actual tools. But I don't for one second buy that every person struggling with relationships is simply attracted to the wrong type. It takes two to tango, and you can't throw everything on partners.

 

Lol, these are guys who refer to THEMSELVES as narcissistic. I need not be the judge.

[AverageJoe]

Ditto. I also find that men of this type do best with women who are passive and sometimes even less intelligent than they are, even if they claim to respect women who "challenge" them.

 

Explain challenging someone. What does that mean?

[northern_sky]

Well, put it this way: the last two girls I have slept with are totally different, but I got together with them both for the same reason (because I wanted to sleep with them).

 

The first was my ex-gf who is smart, beautiful, very caring and totally well-adjusted. We were together for almost three years and had quite a lot in common. She wasn't as intelligent as me, but she was more practical (and was still pretty bright).

 

I broke up with her and hooked up with a girl at my work. She's pretty different: she is incredibly hot, not very intelligent, entirely submissive, sex-obsessed, but has a sharp wit (which I like).

 

The girl I'm gonna marry, in my mind, is going to be more like my ex. But... when I was with her, I wanted to sleep with this other girl. So, yeah, what can I say... I'm a douchebag.

 

Well, at least you're self aware.

 

Btw, I read another thread of yours and you're eerily similar to a guy I dated this fall, who was partly the inspiration for this thread. Like you he was a self-professed commitment-phobe.

 

Are you an only child by any chance?

[SteveC80]

Its out of your control women are wired to be attracted to non i guess nice traits is a way too put it

 

Niceness beign passive are nto traits owme nare secually attracted to,dominance power strength are and verbal abuse so to speak can be a form of that

 

WOmen are attracted to men who are better then them socially and status speaking and narcisissts aholes whatever word you want to use show dominance and superiority

[pandagirl]

I agree. I have a very caring side, but yeah, even then when I have shown a person that I'll often still be dismissive or cold later.

 

I am hoping I'll find a girl who will snap me out of it. In fact, I feel I had one, but I broke up with her (and think I regret it).

 

The bad thing is, even though I regret it I still get a huge kick out of this new girl and how much she wants me...

 

If it's any consolation, at least some of the douchebags know they're douchebags.

 

Wow, you sound a lot like my ex! haha. He could be very caring, sweet and loving, but also dismissive or cold later.

 

Just out of curiosity, how old are you? And have you ever been in love?

[northern_sky]

Explain challenging someone. What does that mean?

 

Basically not putting up with poor treatment, calling them on their ****. Also, intellectually challenging them by being able to assert your own opinions even if it causes occasional, friendly debate.

[northern_sky]

Its out of your control women are wired to be attracted to non i guess nice traits is a way too put it

 

Niceness beign passive are nto traits owme nare secually attracted to,dominance power strength are and verbal abuse so to speak can be a form of that

 

WOmen are attracted to men who are better then them socially and status speaking and narcisissts aholes whatever word you want to use show dominance and superiority

 

Women aren't attracted to passivity, that's true. They are attracted to confidence. It's just that confidence often goes along with not so great qualities.

[Dedalus]

Well, at least you're self aware.

 

Btw, I read another thread of yours and you're eerily similar to a guy I dated this fall, who was partly the inspiration for this thread. Like you he was a self-professed commitment-phobe.

 

Are you an only child by any chance?

 

I'm not, but I feel like one given how different I am to my family.

 

You never answered my earlier questions btw...

[USMCHokie]

Basically not putting up with poor treatment, calling them on their ****. Also, intellectually challenging them by being able to assert your own opinions even if it causes occasional, friendly debate.

 

I think this is more of self-respect than "challenge"...I personally feel that the whole notion of "challenge" was some bullsh*t idea propogated by the PUA folks to help guys who didn't have enough personality to get women on their own or to help guys get women who wouldn't otherwise be interested in them...or to get the nutjob women...

[SteveC80]

Women aren't attracted to passivity, that's true. They are attracted to confidence. It's just that confidence often goes along with not so great qualities.

 

Yup and allot of guys who are overly confident can also be aholes

 

The shy guy may be a good guy but doesnt turn women on with any raw power or dominance and women look at him as a equal or inferior status wise and socially and for them thats a turn off

 

Women are wired to date up socially and status wise

[USMCHokie]

Women aren't attracted to passivity, that's true. They are attracted to confidence. It's just that confidence often goes along with not so great qualities.

 

Eh...here we toe the line between confidence and arrogance...arrogance is the intentional outward projection of "confidence," and it's what people most easily pick up on, since it's so blatantly obvious...whereas confidence is either much much more subtle, or it's not outwardly projected at all, because a confident person doesn't need to show confidence...he just does it...