Back to the drawing board

[siuys]

After seeing xMM (don't know why I'm calling him x, coz he ain't x) after 30 days NC, we are now back on NC until he moves out and has been on his own for a month. God knows when that will be. He said March I say 2020. I am just exhausted that's all I can say. I have to recover from this and focus on me again... is this ever going to end?

[awkward]

I think you're smart for going NC until he follows through on what he says he is going to do. But in the meantime, you are a single woman. Live your life the way you want it to be. Don't wait on him.

 

Also, you might want to reconsider the one month thing. Perhaps once his divorce is final, he has been to IC, and is ready for a new relationship might work out better for you in the end. Less painful for you at least.

[whichwayisup]

In March you two talk again to see where things are, where his head is at and his progress, or in March you two will start dating and begin things from scratch? Him leaving aka separating, (or is he divorcing immediately?) probably will need more than a month to sort himself out, and also deal with the kids (sorry I can't remember if they have any or not) and helping them through the changes and adjustments..

[YellowShark]

Here's what I don't get. I really don't. This guy is throwing his wife under a bus to cheat with you, while he is stringing you along, causing you endless emotional pain, and giving you crumbs.

 

So WTF is the attraction you have for this man? Seriously? He is screwing up your life.. and his wife's life. I just don't get it.

[siuys]

I can only assess as I go. Right now, it's contact after he's moved out and been on his own for a month. If he manages, it will be some time in March. We will then check in and go from there. What we will do will depend on where his head is at, how much he's sorted. He cannot divorce until he's been separated for 12 months. His kids are older and they are ok with him moving out coz he was on his own for 6 months before he moved back (which he now admits that that was a mistake). Who knows what will happen.

[siuys]

Yellowshark, it's easy to say he's a cheater and please ditch him already but I've been in an affair myself so I know it's not so black and white, and I know getting out of a dead marriage takes time and guts. I love this man that's why I'm still around. At the end of the day, I believe he does love me but is not quite there yet in terms of REALLY finalising the end of his M. And yes, he is giving me emotional pain, hence I am doing NC again. I am working on letting it go and that takes time too.

[whichwayisup]

He cannot divorce until he's been separated for 12 months.

 

Check in at March, see how things are, but do not have intimacy (sleep with him) until he is officially divorced. Wait until the 6 month mark, this way he's had time ALONE to grieve the loss of his marriage, adjust to all the changes, deal with the kids, fiancial and house stuff with his wife, and then do another reassessment to see how things are then. Keep it casual (again no sex) until he is free and available. It gets you out of the affair dynamic and a fresher start.

[Fieldsofgold]

I think you're smart for going NC until he follows through on what he says he is going to do. But in the meantime, you are a single woman. Live your life the way you want it to be. Don't wait on him.

 

Here's the problem, as I see it (or at least it would be for me, if I were in your shoes.) Just because you're NC, you can't just flip off the switch to your feelings, hopes and expectations until the appointed time, and then flip them back on. You can't be happy, carefree and gay, and enjoy the single life until and if he follows through.

 

So this leaves you emotionally strung along for another three months, at least. And I am guessing that you are emotionally exhausted. I can almost feel it in your threads. You are tired of waiting, wondering, hoping, trying not to think about it. It's really like emotional abuse. Here's the carrot. If you just believe long enough and strong enough, it will happen. Someday.

 

He is not taking into consideration YOUR feelings or YOUR needs. You should not have to wait and wonder, for three more months. In March, what if something else happens, and there's another delay? It could go on forever.

 

And what if he does move out. H€ll, I've seen them *divorce,* and then go back!

 

I am soo sorry this has happened.

[YellowShark]

Yellowshark, it's easy to say he's a cheater...

 

I mean no disrespect but did he or did he not not cheat on his wife with you? It's a yes or no question. Very black and white.

 

I know getting out of a dead marriage takes time and guts.

 

No it doesn't. If the marriage is "dead" then all it takes is the will to end it. Hire a lawyer and tell the spouse it's over and move out. My parents seemed to do it quite easily without any prolonged foot-dragging. And I had front-row seats so I know it can be done.

 

I love this man that's why I'm still around. At the end of the day, I believe he does love me but is not quite there yet in terms of REALLY finalising the end of his M.

 

Once again no disrespect but if he's not "not quite there yet in terms of REALLY finalising the end of his M" then he's just yanking your chain, and meanwhile your life is on hold and you're an emotional wreck. Sounds like a total lose lose for you.

 

So this leaves you emotionally strung along for another three months, at least. And I am guessing that you are emotionally exhausted. I can almost feel it in your threads. You are tired of waiting, wondering, hoping, trying not to think about it. It's really like emotional abuse. Here's the carrot. If you just believe long enough and strong enough, it will happen. Someday.

 

Exactly my point. This guys wife gets screwed over and siuys gets screwed over. What's the common denominator for both these woman's lives being screwed over? The same guy. I just don't get it. I say both women should walk away and go find someone who is AVAILABLE emotionally and physically that does not bring so much pain to the table.

[whichwayisup]

No it doesn't. If the marriage is "dead" then all it takes is the will to end it. Hire a lawyer and tell the spouse it's over and move out. My parents seemed to do it quite easily without any prolonged foot-dragging. And I had front-row seats so I know it can be done.

 

This is true. And just my opinion, but it seems that if a marriage ends without involving infidelity, it happens quickly, like what you described above. Marriage is over and both want to move on, get it done, yet when it involves infidelity, there's wavering back and forth, both MM and BS. Maybe because there's added pressure after a marriage ends that involves infidelity that the AP is waiting to start a new life with MP and there's an expectation.

[Ellin]

This is true. And just my opinion, but it seems that if a marriage ends without involving infidelity, it happens quickly, like what you described above. Marriage is over and both want to move on, get it done, yet when it involves infidelity, there's wavering back and forth, both MM and BS. Maybe because there's added pressure after a marriage ends that involves infidelity that the AP is waiting to start a new life with MP and there's an expectation.

That's not my experience.

 

I was M to an abusive man and even though he caused me serious problems most of the time it took me years to end the M.

 

I know many real life examples, when M was in big trouble for quite a while but one or both spouses kept trying to hold things together and give another try, before finally splitting up (or not, in some cases).

[YellowShark]

This is true. And just my opinion, but it seems that if a marriage ends without involving infidelity, it happens quickly, like what you described above. Marriage is over and both want to move on, get it done, yet when it involves infidelity, there's wavering back and forth, both MM and BS. Maybe because there's added pressure after a marriage ends that involves infidelity that the AP is waiting to start a new life with MP and there's an expectation.

 

My 7-year relationship ended because of infidelity. She cheated on me twice, and the second time I was out the door in 4 days flat. I am not kidding, 4 days flat. It didn't take months, or endless excuses, it simply took the will to take action.

 

Life is too short for all this hand-wringing. Siuys is being hurt and this man's stbxw is hurt. So I say "F" this guy and both women should walk away and dump this guy. He brings nothing to the table but pain and aguish for both women. That's why I just don't get it. And I guess I never will.

[Confused4Now]

That's not my experience.

 

I was M to an abusive man and even though he caused me serious problems most of the time it took me years to end the M.

 

I know many real life examples, when M was in big trouble for quite a while but one or both spouses kept trying to hold things together and give another try, before finally splitting up (or not, in some cases).

I was in a marriage with a emotionally/verbally abusive wife. I stayed 15 years longer than I wanted to....it's not easy getting out. Trust me I know and even 3 years after I left and I'm divorced..my ex is still trying to control me. Same with my xMW she continues to stay in her abusive situation. It is not that easy to get out and I was the MAN.

[fooled once]

I mean no disrespect but did he or did he not not cheat on his wife with you? It's a yes or no question. Very black and white.

 

No it doesn't. If the marriage is "dead" then all it takes is the will to end it. Hire a lawyer and tell the spouse it's over and move out. My parents seemed to do it quite easily without any prolonged foot-dragging. And I had front-row seats so I know it can be done.

 

Once again no disrespect but if he's not "not quite there yet in terms of REALLY finalising the end of his M" then he's just yanking your chain, and meanwhile your life is on hold and you're an emotional wreck. Sounds like a total lose lose for you.

 

Exactly my point. This guys wife gets screwed over and siuys gets screwed over. What's the common denominator for both these woman's lives being screwed over? The same guy. I just don't get it. I say both women should walk away and go find someone who is AVAILABLE emotionally and physically that does not bring so much pain to the table.

 

I agree with Yellow.

 

This is true. And just my opinion, but it seems that if a marriage ends without involving infidelity, it happens quickly, like what you described above. Marriage is over and both want to move on, get it done, yet when it involves infidelity, there's wavering back and forth, both MM and BS. Maybe because there's added pressure after a marriage ends that involves infidelity that the AP is waiting to start a new life with MP and there's an expectation.

 

I ended an abusive marriage in the blink of an eye so it can be done and there was no infidelity in my marriage.

 

People who want to be divorced, get divorced. People who are done with a marriage, end the marriage. It really isn't that hard - IF there are no feelings left for the partner.

 

suiys, this will end when you are tired of all the games and back and forth. You are the only one who can end it. But you are going to wait and wait until March, and then wait and wait until....

 

Just remember, we are each responsible for our own happiness.

[Ellin]

I was in a marriage with a emotionally/verbally abusive wife. I stayed 15 years longer than I wanted to....it's not easy getting out. Trust me I know and even 3 years after I left and I'm divorced..my ex is still trying to control me. Same with my xMW she continues to stay in her abusive situation. It is not that easy to get out and I was the MAN.

Sorry to hear that but I know exactly what it's like, both when you are the one being treated badly and feeling lost, and when you see a person you care about being treated badly and you can't do anything about it.

 

I hope you're life's better now.

[siuys]

Well, i am just focussing on recovery and getting back on my feet right now. When I went NC last month, I WAS focussing on myself and living my life. Sure, I thought about him and missed him and did wonder but when off the roller coaster, I was able to focus and work on me and my life. I am simply going to live my life and see what happens. I am not waiting as such. And the last thing I could think of is dating or seeing other men right now.

 

i, too, stayed in my M few years too long. And I don't have kids. Everyone is different. People have detachment issues after a long M, whether you agree or not. It took me a further 4 years in my previous R to leave.

[Confused4Now]

Sorry to hear that but I know exactly what it's like, both when you are the one being treated badly and feeling lost, and when you see a person you care about being treated badly and you can't do anything about it.

 

I hope you're life's better now.

My life is really good...I got out and I'm so at peace now. I wouldn't it trade it for anything. I'm so done with DRAMA. As for my xMW I realized that her marriage had the same cycles of abuse I went through and the only person who can say its over is her. Which is why I stepped out. I was done pulling her helping her....the dynamics of a abusive marriage is weird. At some point people get strong enough to leave...and I do have to disagree with Fooled....maybe theirs was a physical abuse which is more clear cut than the one I mentioned.

[jwi71]

After seeing xMM (don't know why I'm calling him x, coz he ain't x)

 

At least you are honest with yourself...he ain't the "X" and the A is ongoing. And that's fine by me. What I don't want to hear is "He's my ex, its over, we are NC" when its clearly not - you MUST always be honest with yourself if no one else.

 

after 30 days NC,

 

Please stop calling this NC - its not. This is, take a break and see if he has jumped through the hoops I set out for him. If yes, yeah. If not, repeat.

NC is the death of this A. And you aren't killing it, you are biding time waiting for him to deliver.

 

Again, thats ok but be honest with yourself with what you are doing. You are waiting for him to be D.

 

Which begs the question: What is your exit strategy if he doesn't?

How long does he have to file for D?

How long are you willing to endure this?

we are now back on NC until he moves out and has been on his own for a month.

 

Why is this your "line in the sand"?

Why is move out and been "alone" for 30 days sufficient for your return - especially considering his history.

 

I am just exhausted that's all I can say.

 

I can imagine. Its exhausting just going back and refreshing myself on your story - and I'm just reading it no where close to having actually lived it. Actually...have you gone back and reread your old threads? I think you might learn and or see things a bit differently. Just a thought.

 

 

I have to recover from this and focus on me again... is this ever going to end?

 

It ends when you decide it does. Until then, this is your choice. I hope it works out for you.

[blizzard]

Yellowshark, it's easy to say he's a cheater and please ditch him already but I've been in an affair myself so I know it's not so black and white, and I know getting out of a dead marriage takes time and guts. I love this man that's why I'm still around. At the end of the day, I believe he does love me but is not quite there yet in terms of REALLY finalising the end of his M. And yes, he is giving me emotional pain, hence I am doing NC again. I am working on letting it go and that takes time too.

 

Siuys, I only mean this from the heart...be careful. I too believed this At the end of the day, I believe he does love me but is not quite there yet in terms of REALLY finalising the end of his M. I listened to him bash his wife and watched his marriage "dissolve" to the point of divorce for a lonnngggg time. It was never the right time. Or he had to do it in the right way to remain friends with her so she wouldn't take everything he had. Excuses. While he continued to string me along with promises. As soon as dday occurred, he threw me under the bus...just like that. This was a man that swore he loved me and had a lease in his hands. He said he was a day from moving out. He even discussed furniture with me...down to the paint he was going to paint the walls. Ohhh, and that he would fix up the spare room for my two kids when we came to visit. He pondered should he or should he not get a place with a garage to use as a training room. hmm. He discussed budgets, finances, divorce paperwork....you name it. But on dday, he replied that he loved two women...and that he had loved her first and made vows to her.

Please let him go Siuys. He will find you when the ink is dry if it is truly love he feels for you. I am so very sorry you are going through this...he is really leading you down an awful path of hurt that scars. I know.(((hugs)))

[carrie999]

That's not my experience.

 

I was M to an abusive man and even though he caused me serious problems most of the time it took me years to end the M.

 

I know many real life examples, when M was in big trouble for quite a while but one or both spouses kept trying to hold things together and give another try, before finally splitting up (or not, in some cases).

 

I agree. While I understand the point of view of YellowShark and others here, it's really not always so black-and-white. My mother suffered years of emotional abuse from my alcoholic father before separating, and took him back when he appeared to have chosen to deal with his issues and stopped drinking. Then he started drinking again, and she filed for divorce. All told, that process (from the initial separation to actual divorce) took 4-5 years.

 

Siuys, you're doing the right thing by maintaining NC until he proves he's stopped waffling. There are no guarantees that legal separation and divorce will mean he has truly made his choice, but I fully understand why you are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, while withholding a huge part of yourself until he has earned it.

 

Right now, all you can do is focus on other aspects of your life, and hope that this is worth the wait. Even in the most "ideal" relationships, there are no guarantees. Follow your intuition.

[Fieldsofgold]

Siuys, I only mean this from the heart...be careful. I too believed this At the end of the day, I believe he does love me but is not quite there yet in terms of REALLY finalising the end of his M. I listened to him bash his wife and watched his marriage "dissolve" to the point of divorce for a lonnngggg time. It was never the right time. Or he had to do it in the right way to remain friends with her so she wouldn't take everything he had. Excuses. While he continued to string me along with promises. As soon as dday occurred, he threw me under the bus...just like that. This was a man that swore he loved me and had a lease in his hands. He said he was a day from moving out. He even discussed furniture with me...down to the paint he was going to paint the walls. Ohhh, and that he would fix up the spare room for my two kids when we came to visit. He pondered should he or should he not get a place with a garage to use as a training room. hmm. He discussed budgets, finances, divorce paperwork....you name it. But on dday, he replied that he loved two women...and that he had loved her first and made vows to her.

Please let him go Siuys. He will find you when the ink is dry if it is truly love he feels for you. I am so very sorry you are going through this...he is really leading you down an awful path of hurt that scars. I know.(((hugs)))

 

Your story is just heartbreaking. Not just all the talk, but all the "proofs" he showed you, over and over along the way; all the plans the two of you made, all the dreams you must have held for the two of you.

 

I would think that sort of hopefulness, build-up, expectation . . . And then let-down would just be spirit-crushing.

 

I'm just so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience. ((((hug))))

[FightClub]

FOG,

 

You know, I agree with your comments completely. Those were quite frankly the most spirit-crushing for me and I have feeling it would be that way for anyone. In theory, everything builds up steadily and once it ends or comes to end, everything comes crashing down...the hopes, dreams, plans, etc.

 

It hurts beyond belief and you feel somewhat lost when your in the void.

 

All you can do is look forward, use the pain/hurt to reposition you & your life into a better place and honor the past in a way that helps you plan a future, *your* future for yourself...everything else will fall into place.

 

Hope your feeling better, Siuys...Happy New Year!

 

-FC

[siuys]

Your story is just heartbreaking. Not just all the talk, but all the "proofs" he showed you, over and over along the way; all the plans the two of you made, all the dreams you must have held for the two of you.

 

I would think that sort of hopefulness, build-up, expectation . . . And then let-down would just be spirit-crushing.

 

I'm just so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience. ((((hug))))

 

One thing that mm and I never did was talk about too many dreams and plans. He was never the one to promise anything. I now know that even if we will get to a point where we can give this R a proper shot (i.e. start all over again), it will be a while coz he's got a long road ahead of him. And I cannot say for sure how long I will be around, or when or if I will eventually run out of gas and will have to let it go.

[Fieldsofgold]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellin

 

"That's not my experience.

 

I was M to an abusive man and even though he caused me serious problems most of the time it took me years to end the M.

 

I know many real life examples, when M was in big trouble for quite a while but one or both spouses kept trying to hold things together and give another try, before finally splitting up (or not, in some cases)."

 

 

Ditto. I wavered for a long time.

 

We had a thread on trauma bonding that might explain that.

Edited January 1, 2011 by Fieldsofgold