waiting4u Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Hi! I've been lurking on these forums for a while and finally decided to post my story. Parts of it are unusual. I just lost the love of my life about 3 months ago. I've been 1 month no contact and am giving him space and respect. The relationship was seriously dysfunctional in the last few months - I was insecure, he was emotionally unavailable - we made each other crazy. That said, we had 2 1/2 beautiful years together and were deeply in love to the very end (I know this for sure - in spite of the fighting). We work together (although not in the same area and I know his schedule well enough to avoid him), have similar interests, life passions, ideals, etc. The chemistry / sex we had was AMAZING. He's very introverted and will probably not move on right away to another relationship. We basically broke up because of my insecurity, the increasing fights, and because of his emotional intimacy with another woman (who is with someone else that I'm sure she will not leave to be with him). I've read all the advice and am trying to wait it out long term - I'm literally going to wait for a year and then contact him again if I haven't heard from him. The thing is - I know he loves me still. I know I was the "one" for him. Things just got too emotionally charged at the end. Here's the clincher - I literally had a nervous breakdown. I have some deep-seated issues with becoming absorbed in relationships and losing my sense of self. I'm in counseling now and am working hard to get it back together. The thing is - for about two hours one night, five days after the breakup, I lost it, slit my wrists and he found me and called an ambulance. Since then he utterly refuses to talk to me or talk about what happened. I know he is hurting terribly and I wish I could talk with him but I know I can't. And for the record, I didn't do it as a form of emotional blackmail - I literally lost my mind and couldn't handle the pain anymore. This is only my second long-term relationship ever, even though I'm in my thirties. I've dated for short periods but never experienced the kind of emotion we had together - traveled all over Europe, spent every day together etc etc. I'm very successful professionally and "sane" in all other aspects of my life. I'm an artist and very sensitive, which may or may not be an excuse lol. I don't have a history of depression or suicidal behavior. I'm in intense therapy and trying to take care of myself and get myself back. My questions are - has anyone else ever experienced utter craziness after a breakup? And can I expect that he will ever forgive me if I wait a long while and take care of my issues - like a year? Is it wrong to hold onto hope? It gets me through the tough times.
Breakupguy12 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Glad to hear you're seeking intense counseling. As important as the other person is in the relationship, the most important person is you. You need to focus on yourself right now. He may be traumatized by seeing you in that condition, and he may be scared that you'd potentially do bodily harm to him, if you had an episode while you were together. I'm just throwing things out there, I'm not saying by any means that that's how he feels, for the record. Ultimately, focus on yourself, and wait it out, continue the NC. Continue to work on yourself. Who knows what the future may hold, maybe he'll take you back after a year, when he sees you're doing well. Maybe he won't. The most important thing right now is for you to learn from this relationship, heal mentally, and take it from there.
Author waiting4u Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 Thanks for your reply. I know I need to focus on myself. I've been trying to do that. This whole thing has scared the heck out of me. I never thought myself capable of such a thing and am trying to figure out (in therapy) the reasons for what happened. It's also scary to think that he might actually be frightened of me. He knows me pretty well - knows I'm not a psychopath or even remotely crazy. I was just desperate and hurting (partially due to some pretty messed up things he said and did). I guess I just wonder sometimes if I'm silly for holding out hope after I've so obviously burned a huge bridge. I've had other men ask me out, but haven't gone for it, not just because I'm not ready to date, but because I feel like I'm "saving myself." Has anyone else experienced anything remotely like this, or been on the other side of things?
SeriousBob12 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 ....We basically broke up because of my insecurity, the increasing fights, and because of his emotional intimacy with another woman (who is with someone else that I'm sure she will not leave to be with him). ...The thing is - I know he loves me still. I know I was the "one" for him. Things just got too emotionally charged at the end. I'm really sorry this affected you so badly, and I do hope that therapy helps you. Your problem is a combination of denial and too much hope. You have to STOP thinking that you were "the one" for him. If you were, than you wouldn't be sitting on the sideline for THREE MONTHS. You also wouldn't have been subjected to the agony of being cheated on, or the verbal and emotional abuse. You weren't the one, because if you were things wouldn't be the way they are now. You may think you're the one in your world, but judging by his actions he doesn't think this way. Lets say you were, would you want to be with someone that treats their supposed "one" like that? You deserve romance and love, not emotional scars and cheating. If you're only 1 month NC then I look at it as you really have only given yourself 1 month to recover from the breakup. The other 2 months weren't healing times as you two were still having contact, which makes it VERY it pretty much impossible to get over someone. I know your'e hurting, but a month is still pretty fresh. I know that after my first month of NC with my ex, I still couldn't help but think about her all the time. Building yourself full of hope is wrong. Sure it may help short term but it's going to do more damage long term. You're merely turning a blind eye to healing and putting a bandaid over a stich wound. Start thinking it's OVER and that it's time to move on. Hoping he'll come back, counting down a year to get in contact, etc...etc...is just prolonging the healing process. At this stage it should be about you and only you. As much as you care about him, don't expect anything and most definitely do not build yourself up. Move on.
soleharmony1123 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Waiting4u, for you to have had a nervous breakdown, you were surely under immense emotional stress/despair. It's going to be a challenge for you, but the very thing you need to do is get back to YOU. Get YOU back. You need to give YOU all the love & energy that you've put into your relationship. When you lose yourself you ultimately end up with nothing. Forget about counting calendar days until it's been a year so you can make contact with your Ex. Instead, mark your calendar and let one year from now be your milestone anniversary for a year of celebrating YOU and your successful journey to emotional WELLNESS. The relationship was seriously dysfunctional in the last few months - I was insecure, he was emotionally unavailable - we made each other crazy. Dysfunction in it's mildest form is not healthy. You described your relationship as seriously dysfunctional. That means your relationship was very unhealthy - look what it's cost you in terms of your health. As for Ex who has become emotionally unavailable to you because he's been emotionally intimate with another woman, I know how you must feel. My ex started his new relationship that way also. At any rate, YOU are who's important now. It's YOU that matters, and I hope that with the intensive therapy you're undergoing, you will be able to get to the bottom of what feeds your insecurities and why they come to surface. Please take of yourself & I wish you a successful recovery. -Sole
Author waiting4u Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Ya'll are fantastic - so supportive. I appreciate it. I definitely feel like his refusal to express himself emotionally made the relationship torture for me. And the "other woman" was a mutual friend (or so I thought - I found out the day after we broke up that she was only "his" friend) and we hung out with her regularly. We would go to dinner with her and her husband and then later that week she would go out drinking alone with my ex until 3am and he would be throwing up all the next day. Often I wasn't told when they had plans together and I would find out later from other people. I do think I need to focus on what wasn't working in the relationship. Something must have been really bad for me to fall apart like that. The thing is - he's always protested that there was nothing going on between them and said I was just overly jealous (they work together and get together to talk about work). It just seemed like we would always fight when he got home from one of his "dates" with her - like I didn't measure up to her in some capacity. Anyway there's somebody out there who will treat me the way I want to be treated - at least I hope so. In the meantime I'm focusing on getting well.
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