Has Anyone been able to STAY NC when AP Persists???

[half_ofa_heart]

I have tried soooo many times to end this A only to fail. This last attempt was the longest (1 month) but as much as he tried to stay away... he was everywhere.

 

I struggle between what I SHOULD do and what I WANT to do. I know that staying in this A only brings me sadness at the end of the day but when we are together, it's the most amazing feeling I've ever felt.

 

I've been struggling with so many personal hurtles; My financial crisis that involves losing the only home my children have ever known and most rescently the demise of my father's health which has led to putting him in a nursing home. I couldn't handle the pressure and broke down at one of his attempts to contact me and he immediately came to my side... as he always did and does.

 

He's been my rock for all my bumps in the road (as much as he could be) and I his. Which is what makes this "ending the A" so hard especially during a diffucult period of my life. He certainly doesn't make it easy.

 

I guess I'm asking... Has anyone been successful at ending an A where there has NOT been a D-day and one AP is NOT letting go???? I have attempted and failed so many times that I wonder if it's possible. I have said this before, I feel like I'm trying to run a marathon with no legs.

[calliope]

Over 16 mths, I tried to end it 6-7 times. He always came back to me, and I always let him, because it was what I wanted. Heck, it's still what I want.

 

Not counting the last time 3.5 wks ago, he ended it twice. He came back then too and again I took him back. The longest we've been out of contact previously was 5 days, it's now 21 days of NC/LC - it feels like forever. The longest we were ever "broken up" was 22 days before he came back to me...today is day 25.

 

It's so hard, but I know exactly what I'd do if he came back. I wish every day that he'd contact me. I'll be back to work next wk and will see him, but I desperately want more than that. NC was initiated by him, I'm trying to respect it, though I truly don't want to. He always broke it in the past, why shouldn't I? The fact that he never let go before is what makes it so hard for me now...

 

I'm in the same place as you...what I should do vs. what I want to do. Only you know what choice is right for you. But if you decide to go back with him, I hope it's because there's a future there for you both, rather than because you're vulnerable right now. You have a lot going on, it must be very overwhelming to throw this into the mix too...

[half_ofa_heart]

Over 16 mths, I tried to end it 6-7 times. He always came back to me, and I always let him, because it was what I wanted. Heck, it's still what I want.

 

Not counting the last time 3.5 wks ago, he ended it twice. He came back then too and again I took him back. The longest we've been out of contact previously was 5 days, it's now 21 days of NC/LC - it feels like forever. The longest we were ever "broken up" was 22 days before he came back to me...today is day 25.

 

It's so hard, but I know exactly what I'd do if he came back. I wish every day that he'd contact me. I'll be back to work next wk and will see him, but I desperately want more than that. NC was initiated by him, I'm trying to respect it, though I truly don't want to. He always broke it in the past, why shouldn't I? The fact that he never let go before is what makes it so hard for me now...

 

I'm in the same place as you...what I should do vs. what I want to do. Only you know what choice is right for you. But if you decide to go back with him, I hope it's because there's a future there for you both, rather than because you're vulnerable right now. You have a lot going on, it must be very overwhelming to throw this into the mix too...

 

Overwhelming is the correct word. But you know this all too well. I just hope and pray I get thru this before a D-Day and/or my life passes me by and I'm still waiting here all alone for the man that I love to come home.

[Carrot2000]

Oh, dear! I'm truly sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. I know so many people in a similar circumstance right now and it's scary. Don't kick yourself about giving in--you're overwhelmed right now and I can totally understand the need to have someone's shoulder to cry on.

 

As good as it feels to have MM by your side, the fact of the matter is that you don't need a rock, you need help! Is MM able to offer you a solution? Can help you financially so you can save your home? Is he able to help care for your father? He's probably not able to do any of these things for you because he's married. He can't be a true partner to you because he's someone else's partner--and he's made it clear that he's not leaving that partnership. In the end, you still end up dealing with your issues alone. It all still falls on you because he can't be part of your life in any meaningful way; it's great to feel supported, but sometimes you have to weigh whether that "support" comes at a greater cost. Right now you have bigger fish to fry and this relationship needs to take a back seat.

 

Take care of yourself, OK? I was in a similar situation a few years ago when I lost my job and had an eviction notice posted on my front door, so I know how awful it feels when you're not sure where you're going to lay your head. I know I can't compare losing an apartment to losing a home, but what helped me was to move my focus away from the situation at hand and start thinking of solution. I basically had to make peace with the fact that I couldn't keep my apartment and I didn't have the luxury of thinking about the situation and feeling badly about things, I had to start acting otherwise I was going to be out on the street. You probably feel paralyzed right now, but you'll feel a shift once you start thinking proactively and making plans for next steps, like looking for an apartment or a rental house for you and the kids. Having a plan alleviates a lot of the anxiety that accompanies these types of situations.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the decline in Dad's health, but remember he's safe and getting round-the-clock care. When Granny's health worsened due to Alzheimer's and had to be put in a nursing home, I found that the more visible the family members are, the better the care the patient receives. Check in on him and spend as much time there as you reasonably can and try not to wear yourself out with worry. Remember that he's getting a level of care he could not receive at home and sometimes placement in a nursing home is the best thing to do.

 

((HUGS))

[East7]

For me the LC mode lasted 2 months after I put the ultimatum, "with or without me, there is no middle!" I can't count the times she broke NC "I need you, I need to talk to you", maybe 5-6 times. I realized later that it was merely the addiction and withdrawal, no intention to change things, she wanted "to be friends" (I think going EA instead).

She told me she has told her H about us but I don't believe it because she was feeling comfortable contacting me.

But I was done, when we are done there is no desire to go on..Talking with her again only used to make me sad, it was not fun, feeling such a waste, feeling like someone is gone forever or dead. The only way to find some peace was to cut her off completely.

[jwi71]

What should you do and why?

What do you want to do wand why?

 

When what you SHOULD do and what you WANT to do are at odds there is a problem.

 

Answering the above might help you reconcile the two.

[jj33]

Half (consider changing your name its not good for your self esteem)

 

Heres the thing. To me there is a big difference between breaking NC and being back in the A.

 

You can talk to someone and while it doesnt help you move forward necessarily, its not the same thing as being a couple. If you are on a diet and you eat a twix bar it doesnt mean you should then down a tub of Ben & Jerrys - it just means you arent eating 100% healthy. Just like talking to him doesnt mean you need to be "back in it "

 

 

You are going through life changing terribly difficult things. Breaking away from someone you love is difficult under the best of circumstances. Dealing with losing your home and putting your father in a home is horrible even if you have the best most loving husband in the world.

 

Just like you arent supposed to try to keep too many New Years resolutions at once, its tough on you to say you are going to cope with all these things and give up what sounds like the best sort of support (tho its mixed because of the pain of the A) at the same time

 

Its New Years Eve. What do you want your life to look like on December 31 2011? What do you want for yourself this year (and dont say MM single because that is not in your control)

 

You want to sort things out financially as well as you can and make a safe new home for your children. You want to know that your father is well cared for. And you want personal happiness for you.

 

If the home and your father's situation are pretty much settled, or will be soon, then the next hurdle is you. Dont beat yourself up for leaning on him.

 

But 2011 is about your needs and taking care of you. Keeping yourself in a bad situation is not putting you first.

 

I still speak to xMM. The first few months (before I joined LS) i was a bit back and forth with him and it was disappointing and painful but i wasnt ready to end it totally. Even since I did, he still comes back all the time under the guise of work. But I have never gone back to the A and would not. Much as I miss the connection we had I see now that its just not good for me.

 

You control whether you respond to him. You control whether you see him or more. If you arent ready to give it up, you arent. But you hold the power. You control wehther you see him. If you were diabetic the fact that candy and cakes were staring at you every time you went to the market wouldnt cause you to buy them would it?

 

You have to take control of your actions and decide what is best for you. If you saw my other thread, Iver not mastered it totally. Seeing him still stirs various feelings often anger because I dont want to see him particularly after everything that has happened.

 

But its a choice. And if you feel like the emotional support you get from him is worth more than dealing with the stress of your life on your own, that is your choice. But you know in your heart that its a support that comes at a price to your happiness and self esteem. Love isnt supposed to hurt like that.

 

Happy new year. Think about your choices for the future and what you really want.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

[half_ofa_heart]

What should you do and why?

What do you want to do wand why?

 

When what you SHOULD do and what you WANT to do are at odds there is a problem.

 

Answering the above might help you reconcile the two.

 

I SHOULD end this A once and for all and never ever look back. I SHOULD end this A because He will never belong to me and I cannot handle sharing the man I love with another woman. I SHOULD end this A because I am hurting his W and family and they don't even know it. I SHOULD end this A because if my children knew what I was doing, it would leave them shattered. I SHOULD end this A because as happy as he makes me when he's with me, the pain of him leaving to his W and family doesn't make up for it.

 

I WANT to be with my MM. I WANT my MM to be available to me; to sit and have dinner with me and my kids, to go to a movie with, to go out to dinner with, to show the world how much I love this man. I WANT my MM to WANT to be with me as much as I do him. I WANT him to make a choice - either leave me or leave your W (or both). If he can't leave his W then I WANT him to be strong enough to let me go so I can heal and try to get these things that I WANT with someone else. As long as he continues to fight for me when I try to end things, what I WANT - I will never get.

[IzzyB]

Half, are you sure that you are strong enough right now to end the R? If the energy of ending it is taking away from energy you need to handle all of the things going on for you right now, then its not the right time. It seems like there is a lot of loss for you at this point and maybe its just too overwhelming. This does not mean that you go into fairy tale land and see a future for the two of you, all it means is that you dont have it in you to end things YET. The question is: are the benefits of having MM in your life right now outweighing the detriments? If the answer is a clear yes, then you're not ready and you are making things iin your life even more difficult than they have to be by trying to end it with him. If the answer is that the pain is worse than the moments of comfort, then despite all of the challenges you face right now, you need to end it at this time. Hang in there and I pray that this new year brings you great success and good fortune!

[sugarmomma]

If he can't leave his W then I WANT him to be strong enough to let me go so I can heal and try to get these things that I WANT with someone else. As long as he continues to fight for me when I try to end things, what I WANT - I will never get.

 

This is where you got things a little mixed up. He is not going to let you go and mainly for selfish reasons. YOU have to be the one to let go. Stop looking at this as him fighting for you because its not. His actions are mostly motivated by his SELF interest. If he really LOVED you he would not hurt you the way he does.

 

You are responsible for stopping your pain. NOT him!!

 

Pain is not love. Its pain no matter how you look at it.

Edited December 31, 2010 by sugarmomma

[half_ofa_heart]

This is where you got things a little mixed up. He is not going to let you go and mainly for selfish reasons. YOU have to be the one to let go. Stop looking at this as him fighting for you because its not. His actions are mostly motivated by his SELF interest. If he really LOVED you he would not hurt you the way he does.

 

You are responsible for stopping your pain. NOT him!!

 

Pain is not love. Its pain no matter how you look at it.

 

I know about the pain Sugar... more than I care to know. This is why I try to end it because I reach that point where I can no longer take the pain. But this is when he wont let me go. I am not strong enough to fight him off. I love him and want to be with him so when he comes around professing his love for me, I am too weak and fall right back into the same routine, just as I have now. And just like all the other times, regret it within days because I realize that nothing has changed, I still sleep alone every night and he sleeps next to his W.

 

I don't know when and where I will get the strength to be able to tell him to stay away and not allow him back in my life, I'm quite certain that as long as I am in love with him and he continues to profess his love for me, it will not happen.

 

As I have said in the previous posts... my head knows what to do, if only my heart could get on board. I almost hope for a D-day because I believe that and only that will push him to make a decision which will consequently SHOW me his true feelings.

 

Although, we had a D-day and were able to put out that fire as soon as it started. Part of me believes that she knows the truth but is turning a blind eye so she wont have to deal with it.

 

Happy New Year to all of you on LS.