What is it that I really feel and why is it so hard!!

[Tricia23]

Ok, I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My ex and I split up in the middle of November. He had many issues that were interfering with our relationship, which be blamed on me. So needless to say it was a really rough 7 months. I tried to put up with it, and I did my best to be there for him, but it didn't seem good enough. So the fighting continued, and so did the blame game. It was nothing but a big circle. So after he left, of course I kept trying to work it out and talk etc etc. But that only seem to make things worse. So I did back off for a while.

 

Time had passed and Christmas came along, so me being the nice person that I am, I texted just to be nice and say Merry Christmas. I figured he was going to say something mean, or just not respond all together, but to my surprise he responded back, and said, "Merry Christmas to you too bug!" "Bug was his nickname for me.

 

So after I read that I started to get teary eyed. It just made me so sad. I missed him. After that we started talking and asking how we were doing etc etc. And it was nice. It really was. In the end, he said that it was really nice to hear from me. So I asked if we could meet up sometime and talk again and he said "Maybe. I've been feeling alone with the holidays and all, and it was really nice to know I was being thought of" He then ended our Convo with "We will see each other when we are suppose to" what does that mean??

 

So here I am thinking of him again. I guess I was an idiot by reaching out to him, but I always follow my gut feeling. So I did.

 

Here's my issue. I met someone new. I've been seeing him for almost a month. He's a great guy, and a breath of fresh air. He's great. I'm happy I'm with him, but at the same time I'm not. Every relationship I've gotten out of, and ended up finding someone new. That excited me everytime. But this time is different. I'm not as excited about this new guy as I should be. Even in the beginning. It's very strange and I don't know why.

 

I'm not holding out for a reconciliation with Him, but I just can't get him off my mind after talking to him. I want to move on and forget him. I want to enjoy this new part of my life with this new person, but something is telling me not to get too close to the new one. My ex was pretty awful to me, but for some reason my feelings are still missing him. This were so bad, I ended up seeing a therapist. And I still am.

 

How can I move on with my life, and why is it so hard?? I could be passing up something really wonderful with this new guy.

 

Please help. Any advice would be very helpful.

[Breakupguy12]

You've already been seeing this new guy for a month, and you just broke up with your ex in November? I think you're using this new guy as a rebound. You may not even realize it, but it sounds like you are. It's really not fair to the new guy, because you may be subconsciously using him to help you get over your ex. You're too emotionally raw right now to begin seeing someone else, and you're going to end up hurting this new guy.

 

It's not fair to him. It hurts. I've been the rebound guy before, and it really can damage you when you get chewed up and spit out like that.

 

I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but the story sounds oh too familiar.

[Tricia23]

How can I be using him as my rebound, if I don't want to be with him? If I wanted to, I could see him as my rebound. Yes it's only been a month I've been broken up with my ex, and I've been seeing this new guy for about 2 1/2 weeks. Not quite a month. Sorry.

 

I'm just confused why before when I've been in 4 year relationships that ended, and even lost a relationship where I lived with the guy. I mean why is this much worse? We were only together 7 months! That's nothing!

 

I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should want to meet new people, and be out enjoying myself. Not being confused. Its just very weird to me considering the fact that I can tell things are different this time around.

 

I want to get over my ex and I was well on my way. But something is telling me otherwise. I don't know why.

[Graceful]

I'm just confused why before when I've been in 4 year relationships that ended, and even lost a relationship where I lived with the guy. I mean why is this much worse? We were only together 7 months! That's nothing!

Hiya Tricia,

Was the 4-year relationship filled with drama, fighting and abuse? Was the relationship with the guy you lived with the same way? Did both or either of those guys treat you badly?

 

Was the recent ex that of seven months the only relationship filled with drama and where you were treated badly?

 

This is critical information for you to think about. If your previous relationships were at least "good" and not filled with negative energy and drama, then you will be surprised to hear this, but leaving an abusive relationship is much, much worse, and is more likely to suck you dry and leave you with more pain and second-guessing yourself. It feels more like a failure, even though it's the exact opposite.

 

If your previous relationships were also abusive and filled with drama, then I'd say you are really bottoming out this time from being around men who are dysfunctional and unhealthy.

 

You mentioned that you're seeing a therapist, so I'd bring this up the next time you have an appointment.

 

Hopefully that will be soon, and until then, you know the drill. Take care.

 

PS Try to re-define what "moving on" means. Moving on is not necessarily establishing yourself in a new r/l or going out on dates. Moving on emotionally is identifying what you want, and need, how you want to be treated, and getting comfortable with yourself again. So think about that b/c if you don't feel like that, then going out with this new guy just can't feel right. And I don't blame you.

Edited December 31, 2010 by Graceful

[Tricia23]

That makes alot of sense. And to answer your question, No. My 2 long term relationships werent that bad at all. I mean we had our fights, but nothing to this extent. It guess this last relationship was alot more worse than I thought.

 

I enjoy the thought of someone new, and I want that, but something is stopping me, and I don't know why. I shouldn't be thinking about this past ex, because he was so bad. I think I miss what we had, and how I changed my life around for him and us quite a bit. But then I think about how I can have an even better life with someone new. That should excite me!

 

He was just a very dysfunctional person, and I unfortunately was brought down in the process.

 

I want to let this new guy in, and I really truly want to forget my ex once and for all... This "feeling" that I have thats stopping me from doing things, and allowing me to feel what I should needs to leave my life....

[Tricia23]

Just an Update.... Feedback/Advice would be greatly appreciated....

 

been a few weeks since I've written on here, so I thought I'd do an update on my situation. Feedback will be greatly appreciated!

Well Its been almost 2 months since I've been broken up with my ex. During that time, I have spoken to him. We spoke on Christmas, and New Years. I initatied contact both times. He was very nice about it. Nothing mean was sad. It was really good to talk to him. During our conversation, I asked to meet for coffee. I think he was uncomfortable with doing that. I unfortunately was a bit too persistant for his liking, so I did upset him by acting that way. At the time, I didn't think it was so wrong. We haven't talked since I reached out to him on New Years Eve. And again, I asked to meet for coffee. I think I blew it then. I became upset, and so did he. He advised me to not contact him, and that it was over, and we would never be friends. So ok fine. I blew it by asking. I didn't say anything to him after I responded to that text. I figured I ruined it all.

So I'd say an hour passed, and I recieved an "accidental" text message he sent to me. The message just contained the word "Do" so I responded back with "Excuse Me?" and he responded with " I'm sorry, I butt texted you" I thought about that for a few minutes, and found that to be very odd. First off, he ALWAYS clipped his phone to his side pocket, and he has an iphone. It locks. I didn't think that was possible to happen. So I figured he did it on purpose. So after he apologized for "butt texting" me, I erased the message, and put my phone down. About 5 minutes later, he texted me, and said: "OK Tricia23, If you really want to see me, I'll let it happen. I'm at home and you can come here" I was shocked. So I accepted. I got to his house about 30 mins later, and I stayed for a few hours. We talked about how our lives were, and what we were doing at the moment, work, etc etc. We then touched base about my persistance, and some of the reasons our relationship failed.

It was hard to talk about those things with him. He did apologize for bringing them up, but its obvious, it was going to be brought up anyways. So again we talked. I did end up crying and apologizing to him for all the pain/problems/ etc I caused him. He appreciated my apology, and embraced me with several hugs as the tears ran down my face. He sat there and hugged me still. It was nice. I was in his arms again, and I liked it. So we ended up cuddling with each other. Again it was very nice to be there with him. Afterwards, we started talking again. During our first conversation, before the cuddling, I did advice him that I was in therapy to better myself. He was proud of that accomplishment for me. It was nice of him to show his concern for that matter.

So in conclusion, he said this following: I can't be so persistant with him. He's open to communicating, but not daily, weekly etc. He said if I needed anything, he'd be there if he could. He also said that I needed to work on fixing all of the problems I had during our relationship, which I KNOW caused the relationship to fail. My emotional side took over me, and ruined "us". I truly realized how awful of a person I was being.

I explained again, that I was getting help to better ME. I responded to all that he had asked, and apologized for all of my wrong doings. He knew I was serious about that. We touched base on several other subjects, but nothing worth bringing up. I know this means nothing for us, but I can't help but be glad. Glad I got to see him, and glad we embraced in affection. I needed that from him. It may of may not have been wrong. But seeing him, really made me focus on what I truly needed to fix.

And lastly, he did say I needed to respect him, but letting him go on with his life. He also did say he was going to be more open-minded with me. He said it was completely and 100% over. But he did say anything could happen...

I do have a diffferent sense of feeling right now. I'm happy in a way, but also confused too. I do care alot about him. He's just very emotionally scared from the awful behavior. I don't blame him. If we ever do cross paths again, I'd really like to show him I'm a changed person once and for all. I want to let go of that terrible past, and make the future nothing but bright and happy..

 

Thoughts/Advice would be incerdibly appreciated!

 

 

Thank You and May 2011 be amazing for you all! =)