hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Unfortunatly I had to contact xMM for that to happen. As most of you know I hit an all time low over the past few weeks and although in my head I knew I should be over this, for some reason I was getting so far in my healing then hitting a brick wall and it just started again, like I was stuck in some sort of loop. Now, if somebody I knew had been lying about me I am the type of person who would talk to them, lay all my cards on the table and sort it out, this is where I hit that brick wall, right or wrong I just couldn't get past it so I text xMM 2 words 'ring me'. My question to him was going to be, Can the 3 of us meet up and finish this once and for all? I know some of you will think this was a selfish act and I agree it was very selfish of me and part of me wasn't sure I should of done it but I am so glad now that I did. After numerous texts and calls off his W who I refused to talk, I told her I would not talk to her as the last time I did that she took an overdose and blamed me for it (if I'm honest at this stage I was beginning to wonder if I had done the right thing), xMM rang me and unlike the last time we spoke he was angry, which as it turned out, did me a very big favour because instead of me being the emotional wreck he spoke down to in August I found my anger big time!! He started the conversation by yelling at me like a school kid, saying things like 'what the hell do you think you are doing', 'i told you in August we could have NC with each other' and his final comment (for his W's ears I'm sure) 'We havent spoken since August'...well I lost it, he was still trying to shout things down the phone at me as I started shouting back 'who the hell do you think you are talking to, I am not a child or a doormat', this went on for a few minutes when I threw in my ace card....I yelled so loudly knowing his W would also hear 'lets all 3 of us meet up then and we can see who's been lying to who'....he stopped dead!! So now I had his attention big time, suddenly he was all nicey, nicey and saying things like 'I am so sorry I hurt you', 'this is all my fault, not yours' and 'I wish I could help you'. I said 'you can help me, lets all meet up and I can finally put this to bed', he wasn't having any of it and for his next trick....emotional manipulation...oh and it would of been so convincing if I wasn't so angry, just like it had been back in August but I was to emotional to see it then but this time I saw it and I bounced it right back at him! He started using his W as a reason for all this to end, things like 'this is killing her', 'why would you want to keep hurting her' and 'she has done nothing to you', all of these things we have talked about before and my usual reaction is to back down due to the guilt but this time I answered with 'well I'm sure she would like to hear the truth', he said 'she knows the truth' and I came back with 'yes, your truth, and if you have nothing to hide why won't you meet with me?' Loads more was said, we spoke for about an hour, a lot of it was him trying to manipulate me into 'what he wanted me to be' but every time he did I saw it and threw it right back at him. He now realises I am not his puppet, he can't shut me up whenever it suits him and I know they have lied to each other about things I have said. That is the big one for me, I am no fool who can be manipulated to suit and he now knows it. This was never about having him back in my life, this was about my self respect, I finally feel like I've fought back and I won! I have my power back and I feel so much better.
sugarmomma Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 So now do you feel like you can completely move on or do you still feel a need to try and speak with them together?
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Good for you. Now, move on and let go. Do NOT try to contact him or him ever again. What he has told her or not told her doesn't matter anymore. You've finally reached the anger stage, it'll propell you into full on healing so you can let go completely and never look back. You got control and the closure by taking your power back. NO need to contact him ever again.. Right? I hope you made that clear to him? That you won't ever call him (or his wife) and for him never to contact you. ?
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 So now do you feel like you can completely move on or do you still feel a need to try and speak with them together? I do feel like I can move on now, at least to the next stage of my healing anyway... Do I still need to speak with them? I don't know just yet but knowing that they are aware I am the only person who has been truthful in all this makes me feel like the bigger person, they know it and so do I. They deserve each other, he has cheated on her since the day they got married, bet he kept that bit of the truth from her....
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I do feel like I can move on now, at least to the next stage of my healing anyway... Do I still need to speak with them? I don't know just yet but knowing that they are aware I am the only person who has been truthful in all this makes me feel like the bigger person, they know it and so do I. They deserve each other, he has cheated on her since the day they got married, bet he kept that bit of the truth from her.... NO, let it go. If you are the bigger person, then act like it and never contact him or her again. Let your ego and pride take over, put him out of your head forever. He is OUT of your life, it doesn't matter anymore what he says or does at home.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 Good for you. Now, move on and let go. Do NOT try to contact him or him ever again. What he has told her or not told her doesn't matter anymore. You've finally reached the anger stage, it'll propell you into full on healing so you can let go completely and never look back. You got control and the closure by taking your power back. NO need to contact him ever again.. Right? I hope you made that clear to him? That you won't ever call him (or his wife) and for him never to contact you. ? Nothing was mentioned about future contact really, it was just assumed I guess that there wouldn't be.....well I kind of left him hanging about the truth coming out eventually:o but that was more about making him wonder if or when the bomb may drop! Childish I know but it kind of gave me some sick satisfaction I have that power and he knows it!
Fieldsofgold Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Based on my own numerous experiences - not with MM, just bad relationships: Let it go, and walk away NOW. You are in a position of strength. There is nothing to be gained from talking to either of them any further. If you talk to either one of them at this point, it will only give them opportunity to manipulate you and mess with your mind/emotions, and steal your peace. You have nothing to gain from any further contact with either of them, and much to lose. Set it down, wall away, and don't look back. (((((((((hugs)))))))))
redcurls Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Ugh. This "united front" WS and BS are forming against OW after DDay is the most infuriating thing I could ever imagine. The blame shifting and delusion is just so crazy. When I was very young my best friend had a d year long affair with a MM. There was a 15 years age difference but they were very much in love. Eventually the MM couldn't take leading this double life and came clean to his wife about everything. They were all devastated. But I must applaud that wife. She never contacted the OW, never made threats or caused my friend any humiliation. In fact, looking back, I think that she had the greatest compassion towards my friend. The wife kept the blame where it belonged - with HER husband and rightfully so. THAT is what I call a classy lady. BTW, all this was over 25 years ago. And guess what? To this day, my friend gets a fishing call from her XMM every few months. She is now happily married.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 They deserve each other, he has cheated on her since the day they got married, bet he kept that bit of the truth from her.... This doesn't sound like over it to me H4U. It sounds vindictive and bitter, which is in the opposite direction of peace. I hope you find peace soon. 1
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 This doesn't sound like over it to me H4U. It sounds vindictive and bitter, which is in the opposite direction of peace. I hope you find peace soon. I never said I was 'over it' and am fully aware I have some bitterness inside me its what is helping me stay angry. As for 'vindictive' no I'm not vindictive at all, if I was I'd of turned up on his doorstep with 'my truth' and finish him completely..... I will find peace soon, this is another step closer to it.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 Based on my own numerous experiences - not with MM, just bad relationships: Let it go, and walk away NOW. You are in a position of strength. There is nothing to be gained from talking to either of them any further. If you talk to either one of them at this point, it will only give them opportunity to manipulate you and mess with your mind/emotions, and steal your peace. You have nothing to gain from any further contact with either of them, and much to lose. Set it down, wall away, and don't look back. (((((((((hugs))))))))) Thanks for the hugs. You are right, I won't be looking back.
Hazyhead Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Although I'm glad that you're at the anger stage, I hope you have found a bit of peace today. I'm so sorry you're still hurting but, hopefully, if you can let it go now, you can really move forward for YOU. Leave them to sort out their mess, hon. She might get back in touch with you because way back when, she wanted to know details. What are your plans if she does? I don't mean this argumentatively, I just don't want you getting hurt like that again and blamed. ((((((((((H4U))))))))))
Author hopeless4u Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 Although I'm glad that you're at the anger stage, I hope you have found a bit of peace today. I'm so sorry you're still hurting but, hopefully, if you can let it go now, you can really move forward for YOU. Leave them to sort out their mess, hon. She might get back in touch with you because way back when, she wanted to know details. What are your plans if she does? I don't mean this argumentatively, I just don't want you getting hurt like that again and blamed. ((((((((((H4U)))))))))) Hey Hazy, thanks for the hugs. This happened the day before yesterday so I've kind of digested a lot over the last 2 days. I'm ok right now and that nagging feeling over the lies has gone so hopefully I can move on now. I don't think she will be contacting me for a number of reasons, #1 I told her I wouldn't speak with just her again because of what happened before. #2 He has told her not to contact me. #3 She now knows I am aware of their lies, she wouldn't risk it.
spice4life Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Hey Hazy, thanks for the hugs. This happened the day before yesterday so I've kind of digested a lot over the last 2 days. I'm ok right now and that nagging feeling over the lies has gone so hopefully I can move on now. I don't think she will be contacting me for a number of reasons, #1 I told her I wouldn't speak with just her again because of what happened before. #2 He has told her not to contact me. #3 She now knows I am aware of their lies, she wouldn't risk it. So glad to read that you have found what was blocking your progress. It was important to you to let them know that the lies were not going to be tolerated and that you WILL stand up for yourself. Good for you. ((((h4u))) It appears that they feed off of manipulating each other. Sometimes that is what people want in a relationship. If that's the case then leave them to it and be really happy that you are out of it for good. Revel in the fact that you are now free and can live your life according to your own core values. Now the true healing can begin!
silverplanets Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Unfortunatly I had to contact xMM for that to happen. As most of you know I hit an all time low over the past few weeks and although in my head I knew I should be over this, for some reason I was getting so far in my healing then hitting a brick wall and it just started again, like I was stuck in some sort of loop. Now, if somebody I knew had been lying about me I am the type of person who would talk to them, lay all my cards on the table and sort it out, this is where I hit that brick wall, right or wrong I just couldn't get past it so I text xMM 2 words 'ring me'. My question to him was going to be, Can the 3 of us meet up and finish this once and for all? I know some of you will think this was a selfish act and I agree it was very selfish of me and part of me wasn't sure I should of done it but I am so glad now that I did. After numerous texts and calls off his W who I refused to talk, I told her I would not talk to her as the last time I did that she took an overdose and blamed me for it (if I'm honest at this stage I was beginning to wonder if I had done the right thing), xMM rang me and unlike the last time we spoke he was angry, which as it turned out, did me a very big favour because instead of me being the emotional wreck he spoke down to in August I found my anger big time!! He started the conversation by yelling at me like a school kid, saying things like 'what the hell do you think you are doing', 'i told you in August we could have NC with each other' and his final comment (for his W's ears I'm sure) 'We havent spoken since August'...well I lost it, he was still trying to shout things down the phone at me as I started shouting back 'who the hell do you think you are talking to, I am not a child or a doormat', this went on for a few minutes when I threw in my ace card....I yelled so loudly knowing his W would also hear 'lets all 3 of us meet up then and we can see who's been lying to who'....he stopped dead!! So now I had his attention big time, suddenly he was all nicey, nicey and saying things like 'I am so sorry I hurt you', 'this is all my fault, not yours' and 'I wish I could help you'. I said 'you can help me, lets all meet up and I can finally put this to bed', he wasn't having any of it and for his next trick....emotional manipulation...oh and it would of been so convincing if I wasn't so angry, just like it had been back in August but I was to emotional to see it then but this time I saw it and I bounced it right back at him! He started using his W as a reason for all this to end, things like 'this is killing her', 'why would you want to keep hurting her' and 'she has done nothing to you', all of these things we have talked about before and my usual reaction is to back down due to the guilt but this time I answered with 'well I'm sure she would like to hear the truth', he said 'she knows the truth' and I came back with 'yes, your truth, and if you have nothing to hide why won't you meet with me?' Loads more was said, we spoke for about an hour, a lot of it was him trying to manipulate me into 'what he wanted me to be' but every time he did I saw it and threw it right back at him. He now realises I am not his puppet, he can't shut me up whenever it suits him and I know they have lied to each other about things I have said. That is the big one for me, I am no fool who can be manipulated to suit and he now knows it. This was never about having him back in my life, this was about my self respect, I finally feel like I've fought back and I won! I have my power back and I feel so much better. Hi Hopeless, You need a new screen name ... What you did in the bits in bold above ... that's not hopeless .. that's pure 100% self-respect, dignity, confidence and belief shining through. You STOOD YOUR GROUND and STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF ... Way to go !!! Best xmas present you could have given yourself imho be safe Chris
awkward Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 he wasn't having any of it and for his next trick....emotional manipulation I'm so happy that you were able to see this. I think it's great that you took your power back. I'm sure it hurt but in the end I think this is what you needed to let that last part of hope go. You're strong and he isn't worth your time.
Ellin Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 H4U I'm so glad to hear you sound so much happier than in your previous thread. Do whatever you need to do to find your peace. ((hugs))
fooled once Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 H4U ((hugs)) Forward progress is good Keep going forward and no looking back. Their opinions of you don't matter because they don't matter. If you have found peace, I am happy for you. Just don't let them suck you back into their drama. ((hugs)) I hope 2011 brings you much more peace, much more forward progress and a lifetime of happiness!!
Author hopeless4u Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 So glad to read that you have found what was blocking your progress. It was important to you to let them know that the lies were not going to be tolerated and that you WILL stand up for yourself. Good for you. ((((h4u))) It appears that they feed off of manipulating each other. Sometimes that is what people want in a relationship. If that's the case then leave them to it and be really happy that you are out of it for good. Revel in the fact that you are now free and can live your life according to your own core values. Now the true healing can begin! Thanks s4l, yes I think it was all about standing up for myself. You are not the 1st person to say they manipulate each other but I guess I was just to blinded by emotion I couldn't see it. Yes a new year and the old me back, what more could I ask for;)
Author hopeless4u Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Hi Hopeless, You need a new screen name ... What you did in the bits in bold above ... that's not hopeless .. that's pure 100% self-respect, dignity, confidence and belief shining through. You STOOD YOUR GROUND and STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF ... Way to go !!! Best xmas present you could have given yourself imho be safe Chris Thanks Chris, yes I stood up for myself and it felt sooo good;) I am off out to party tonight for the 1st time in 3yrs with no baggage and no bullsh*t in my life:cool:
Author hopeless4u Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 I'm so happy that you were able to see this. I think it's great that you took your power back. I'm sure it hurt but in the end I think this is what you needed to let that last part of hope go. You're strong and he isn't worth your time. Hey awkward, thanks, you know what, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was more relief to be honest, relief because that heavy, useless feeling I'd been carrying around had finally been lifted and I did that...ME:p You are right I AM STRONG, he had turned me into this pathetic, emotional, weak woman and that is soo not me!! I can move forward now knowing I am in control of my future and that future can be anything I want it to be;)
Author hopeless4u Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 H4U ((hugs)) Forward progress is good Keep going forward and no looking back. Their opinions of you don't matter because they don't matter. If you have found peace, I am happy for you. Just don't let them suck you back into their drama. ((hugs)) I hope 2011 brings you much more peace, much more forward progress and a lifetime of happiness!! Hey FO, I did good, right;) No they won't suck me back in now I'm seeing things clearly. Any feelings I had for either of them, her=guilt, him=love...have been replaced by relief and comfort that I don't have to put up with their bullsh*t anymore. My consience is clear now and my only mistake was falling in love with a man who doesn't exsist, let them deal with the fallout of the lies. I know I told the truth throughout! Looking back I think I was more angry at myself for falling for his act, maybe that is why I couldn't get angry with him?? Maybe I was punishing myself for being so weak?? I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart yet I've cried no tears this time and I don't even feel sad.... I'm out partying tonight and for the 1st time in 3yrs its with a happy heart and a bright outlook for the new year and that feels so good;) Thank you so much FO for all of your advice over the past year, you have been my rock and I am so glad I didn't let you down:o I hope you have a fantastic new year and a wonderful 2011:bunny:
Author hopeless4u Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 H4U I'm so glad to hear you sound so much happier than in your previous thread. Do whatever you need to do to find your peace. ((hugs)) Thanks Ellin, yes I am much happier, I'm in a much better place and looking forward to 2011 and all the joy it can bring....
Fieldsofgold Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Hey FO, I did good, right;) No they won't suck me back in now I'm seeing things clearly. Any feelings I had for either of them, her=guilt, him=love...have been replaced by relief and comfort that I don't have to put up with their bullsh*t anymore. My consience is clear now and my only mistake was falling in love with a man who doesn't exsist, let them deal with the fallout of the lies. I know I told the truth throughout! Looking back I think I was more angry at myself for falling for his act, maybe that is why I couldn't get angry with him?? Maybe I was punishing myself for being so weak?? I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart yet I've cried no tears this time and I don't even feel sad.... I'm out partying tonight and for the 1st time in 3yrs its with a happy heart and a bright outlook for the new year and that feels so good;) Thank you so much FO for all of your advice over the past year, you have been my rock and I am so glad I didn't let you down:o I hope you have a fantastic new year and a wonderful 2011:bunny: I'm very proud of you! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Recommended Posts