Nellien Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 (edited) I met him when he was 2 months out of a 8 year relationship (i know the possibilities of being a rebound), his only relationship. I was one year out of my 6 year relationship, my only long term relationship. He is a major workaholic He is 35 Long story short: Months one to six 1) having a casual long distance relationship/dating for six months. - He takes me on vacation - He takes me on weekends away - We see eachother once a month, but rarely speak between meets - He is joking about making me keys for his flat - He is joking about moving in together Months six to nine - We are suddenly in the same country and in the same city after me moving there to pursue my own dream – he pulls a Houdini after two weeks of us being on the same geographic location –I get is a drunken sms from him telling he is “ not in the headspace for a relationship right now” - Followed by one way monologue from me in emails and sms’s – It was NOT pretty, I was frazzled and stressed – clingy and needy.. (brrrr) Overwhelmed in a new city with a demanding job. Months nine to eleven - I come to terms with him not coming back after three months … I Stop emailing, he suddenly shows up after three weeks of no contact from me . Pretending like nothing have happened wanting to go back to him coming over staying at my place and acting a bit like we are in a relationship - I am quick going defensive and question his actions. I am quite reactive kicking up some drama and the minute I get the chance - I do quite a few “pull back terms and condition statements” (atleast on six occasions duing the last three months) telling him flat out that he is treating me like a friends with benefits, that he is a jerk, I need space, leave me alone… etc. Months eleven to thirtheen (p.t) - I decide that he has seen a very neurotic side of me, and he is still here? He doesn’t say much or state what his intensions are - But he still trying to communicate with me when I let him / want to spend time with me - If he was just a player, wouldn’t he have moved on and written me off as too much drama? He has taken three months of me being mistrusting and kicking up drama - that said, he was the one disappearing in the first place leaving me baffled and vulnerable and hurt - BUT, it was also not his responsibility to cater to me moving and starting new when we were just dating casually prior to my move. My last decision is to pull back the dramagirl behaviour and be less suspicious and give him some consistency, but I still have a lot of doubts about him… 1) Is it possible he freaked out when I was in the same city as him and didn’t know how to deal with it on top of a close relative being really sick, him co-arranging his sisters marriage ceremony at the same time and managing two jobs 2) I know the statement “ if he wanted to be with you he would” – but also, I have acted very irrationally still – And isn’t it reasonable that he is pulling back then? I know I would if someone told me that they don’t trusted me and wanted me to stay away. Also I havent been very patient and have lashed out pretty quickly, so it havent fostered great communication. At the same time, he hasnt done too much to reassure me and he is obviously making me feel insecure, 3)So am I just making excuses for his behavior...Its been a very long time since I met him, maybe things should have been different. Should I been happy and receptive and just let him take the lead and encourage him? Guess I just need some fresh eyes. I am not so experienced with relationships, and have a tendency to get very dedicated and don’t have the patience to take things slow always. How do you go about the reconciliation phase , when we had a pretty casual relationship to start with? then he was the one pushing me for being " his girl"? Edited December 30, 2010 by Nellien
january2010 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Your relationship seems long but in actual fact you've not really spent much time together. Beyond the promises made at the beginning, it sounds like he is happy with keeping things vague and you at arm's length. The relationship and his behaviour are making you feel insecure and behave in ways that you're not happy with. This makes your relationship very toxic. He doesn't appear to be in a position to give you what you want. I suggest letting him go and implementing full NC (delete and block).
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