My ex "misses talking to me"...very mixed signals

[Jen1981]

Hey I know this is long so I've divided it into sections. Would really appreciate some advice on my break-up.

 

 

I'm going through a very difficult break-up. Two months ago my boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me....pretty much out of the blue and in an e-mail!!

 

During all those years we had a very deep bond and were both convinced we were each others soulmates.

 

However the past year or so we've had some problems. I've been dealing with an escalating eating-disorder & low self-esteem. When I finished my degree I had a very hard time finding a job and worked in a cafe for around 2 years. I eventually became very happy there and met a lot of friends that were in the same situation....but that time of being worthless within my field really marked me.

 

When I finally landed the job that I have now things quickly spun out of hands. They were laying off a lot of people and re-organized the company 3 times during and everyone was working long hours to keep their jobs. As a way of coping with the stress I developed my eating-disorder (I'd had some tendencies before).

 

EATING DISORDER AND QUARTER LIFE CISIS

During this difficult year my ex has also dealt with a quarter-life-crisis and a depression about where his career was going (he's a very struggling photographer) and things were just generally tough. He expressed a loss of creativity and wanted to move away from the city we live in (a very vibrant and great city). We were both neglecting the relationship (me more than him) and even though we were still VERY close we both felt a little loss and depressed.

 

My ex then met a female friend (through work) around a year ago and they instantly became very close. She's in a similar situation career-wise and he felt he could talk to her + she was carefree and fun as opposed to me and my constant worries. At first I encouraged the friendship, even became friends with her too.... but then as I switched off his iPhone-alarm one morning I accidently saw a text saying "I'm tired no...going to bed. But I will be thinking about you ;-)".

 

I was schocked and confronted my ex and he swore he was as shocked as me. Later that day he showed me an e-mail from her saying she'd accidently sent the text to the wrong person and that she was very sorry.

 

EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

I honestly believed him (still do) but it didn't stop there......We spent all of our vacations with her, he was very eager to make the arrangement for those and they spent whole nights chatting to each other online.

 

During this time there were a lot of incidents that made me feel very insecure and that fueled my eating-disorder and made me withdraw more.

 

I really did trust him but felt that she (and to some extent him) disrespected my boundaries time after time. Once she changed her sweater in front of us (she did turn her back) but she constantly craved his attention and when she didn't get it she would sulk. It was really getting me down and when we finally had a talk about it all he said he "felt that things had changed between us because I no longer trusted him".

 

We had 3 tearful conversations about this and resolved to make things work and to rebuild our connection. After that things were getting much better. We stopped neglecting the relationship, did make an effort to be extra attentive and loving to each other, he backed off the friendship a little bit and we were back to being a strong union again (or so I thought).

 

In october we went on seperate vacations (planned long in advance...I went with family and he went on his own for a photography-excursion).

 

During that week he constantly mailed and texted me about how much he loved me, how much he missed me, that he wanted to take me to Paris and whatnot.

 

OUT OF THE BLUE

I was looking forward to returning but the moment I stepped through the door he told me he'd done much thinking, wasn't happy with anything in his life AND had to go to his mum to think. I know all about the "Uncoupling" theory but I really feel that it would be strange to act like this up until days before this.

 

I was devastated to say the least and didn't hear from him for a week (his mother though called me everyday to see if I was ok and to update me on how he was doing). He was apparently very upset during that week and I didn't know what to think. He was sent to his mothers therapist and there he was told we were co-dependent and that it was very dangerous for a couple.

 

A week into his "thinking-period" he sent me a very cold matter-of-fact email that we were over.

 

I broke down and got a very bad stress-recation that led to me having to take 2 months off from work. I went to stay with my parents since it was too much for me to handle all on my own. I was very hurt and upset that after 10 years he didn't have the courage to face me.

 

TIME TO HEAL

Three weeks then passed before he gave me any explanation (and I had to beg for it in an e-mail). He explained that he felt his feelings had gotten lost in all of our problems and that he needed to be alone so that he could find himself. He asked for space and time to heal and no contact.

 

Natrually I respected his wishes and went complete NC. During this period I found out that he'd been to visit his female friend (she lives abroad) only 4 weeks after our break-up. To this day I'm still not sure if they're just good friends or if there's more to it. Many people (not our friends - they don't know or won't say) have said they are sure he had an amotional affair with this woman but I'm still not sure.

 

"MISS TALKING TO YOU"

Around 1,5 months into our NC he sent me a VERY special and thoughtful birthday gift that was followed up by a text sayin "I hope you know that I'm thinking of you. I miss talking to you".

 

I replied that I too miss him of course but said that I wasn't quite ready to talk yet.

 

He never replied to that but did e-mail me about our bills (with no reference to missing, talking or our relationship).

 

I have since written him a mail saying I'm still pretty upset (he knows this anyway through mutual friends) and have asked him for patience while I heal. In the mail however I have asked him for a talk. I have so many questions still and don't know how to go on without getting them asnwered. I even opened the possibility of doing it on Skype instead of a face-to-face conversation.

 

I still haven't gotten a reply on that yet.

 

ANY HOPES?

I do want him back....not right now because there's still a lot of healing and growing to be done. If there's no hope for "us" I think I still want to be his friend (I don't know for sure yet though). However I know this will take time. We both need to find ourselves again, I need to get better from this eating-disorder and get back to work. I've been diagnosed with a post-traumatic depression and things are just very difficult right now. I think the worst thing is my confusion around this whole thing.

 

Are there any hopes for reconcilliation here or is my ex simply trying to rid himself of guilt by saying he misses talking to me? Could it be that they were actually having an emotional affair or was it just my trust-issues talking?

 

I really can't imagine my life without him be it as a boyfriend or as a close friend. How do I go from here? If it turns out he is with the female friend now...how do I deal with that? Do I tell him I'm hurt by that and can I ask him to wait for my friendship until I'm in a better place?

 

I really hope for the best but expect the worst.

[PowerOfOne]

Hey Jen. You did really well to articulate the last 10 years or so.

 

You two have a lot of history and it doesn't sound like he's totally let go of that. You're both in a pretty lousy place right now though. You both have some work to do in healing both body and mind. That should be your focus. Above all else you have to be happy and healthy with yourself. He must do the same but i'm not totally convinced by your story that he is attempting it.

 

I'm not really sure about what to make of what he's thinking. It sounds like he's got a whole mess of issues to deal with and it's hard to speculate on someones actions when they are like that.

 

For you though, focus on getting yourself healthy and then some stability at work. I always found these to be the foundation of my self esteem and confidence. From there you can tackle the larger issues of what your ex is up to and if you want to get in touch. Good luck Jen, keep posting here to vent and just for general support. That's what LS is for!

[Jen1981]

Hey Jen. You did really well to articulate the last 10 years or so.

 

You two have a lot of history and it doesn't sound like he's totally let go of that. You're both in a pretty lousy place right now though. You both have some work to do in healing both body and mind. That should be your focus. Above all else you have to be happy and healthy with yourself. He must do the same but i'm not totally convinced by your story that he is attempting it.

 

I'm not really sure about what to make of what he's thinking. It sounds like he's got a whole mess of issues to deal with and it's hard to speculate on someones actions when they are like that.

 

For you though, focus on getting yourself healthy and then some stability at work. I always found these to be the foundation of my self esteem and confidence. From there you can tackle the larger issues of what your ex is up to and if you want to get in touch. Good luck Jen, keep posting here to vent and just for general support. That's what LS is for!

 

Thank you and you're right...he probably still has difficulties letting go of "us" and you're right.....He doesn't seem to be doing very much to solve his own problems and it feels like he's thinking this break-up will solve all of his issues magically (be it lack of creativity, lack of sucess or recognition or anything else).

 

I will try to focus on myself and my wellbeing for now but it's very hard to go through all of this when you don't even know the REAL reson for the break-up. It's as if I'm walking around in circles trying to make sense of it all instead of focusing all on ME. It has left me so confused and even paranoid at times. I feel as if my mind is too preoccupied with questions to even begin to think about myself.

[Breakupguy12]

I don't think closure and understanding on the breakup is too much to ask. I say by any and all means seek understanding so that you can move on. More importantly, it's important to know what's going on so that you can learn and grow from it to be a better partner in your next relationship.

[GoingInsane]

Thanks for your post and I hope that talking about things here helps you to get some clarity and focus on what to do.

 

I can empathise a bit with your situation, although my relationship was for just 2.5 years. You go round and round in your head thinking about things, what went wrong, what you could have changed. You have questions, so many questions, but the only person who can answer them is your ex. And this is where it gets hard. He will never tell you anything to make you feel better. He'll either outright lie, to spare your feelings, to ease his guilt, to "protect" you. Or he'll leave essential details out which will hurt like crazy when you think about them or hear about them later. Or he'll try to put the blame on you. I've just realised (today) that seeking the answers, trying to package everything together in an explaination only keeps the pain going for longer. Becuase you wll always doubt that you have the truth.

 

My GF left me for a week to "think" then broke it off - with a 3 hour "discussion" of everything I had done wrong. I felt guilty for months. There was another person involved in our relationship too who my GF swore nothing was going on with - made me feel terrible for not trusting, ate me up inside our final 6 months together with jealousy and insecurity. I beleived (or desperately wanted to believe) the denials, even when I had evidence (like your text), she explained it away. The flaunted it in front of me because they were just friends - nobody could be that cruel if something really was going on could they? 2 days ago I hacked into her FB account, I'm not proud, and saw her talking of her new love and the affair they had when we were together. In all this time, my ex has remained friends with me - texting, visiting, calling.

 

People do horrible things. Things they feel so guilty about they convince themselves aren't true imo. They genuinely believe that affairs are "just friends" - especially emotional affairs.

 

Your ex loves you and misses you. You were together a long time. He tells you he misses you because he's selfish - he does miss you but doesn't care or think how those words will effect you. He's feeling guilty or sorry for himself, so just puts it out there to be assured that you still care about and miss him. That's what mine has been doing, I'm convinced of it. She needs to know that she could still have me if she wanted to. I've decided today for the first time, 3.5 months from our original breakup, that she can't.

 

I think you need to move on without thinking about how it effcts him and, without thinking you need closure. You have it. You're not together any more and not talking - you don't need to know the full reasons why, it will just hurt even more. He will probably contact you at some point, just to see if you're still there and available - don't reply. If he wants to try aain, he knows where to find you and can declare his feelings without prompts.

 

Sorry for the long post, I can just relate so much. You deserve better. And you will find better.

[Xero8780]

I am in a similar situation, was dumped after a 2.5 year long relationship. We had never fought and the relationship had been going well, but she dumped me out of nowhere claiming that the length and seriousness of our relationship freaked her out and she wanted to know what it was like to not be in a relationship in college (we dated since freshman year).

 

Now about 1.5 months later she is texting me and telling me how much she misses me, etc. It is very painful because my heart wants to be back with her and tell her that I am also missing her, but my head says not to because it will either push her away or (I am not sure if this makes sense) actually lead to her asking me back and I am not even sure if I want to go back to somebody who would dump me out of nowhere.

 

I feel bad and almost guilty that she feels bad missing me, which is totally messed up considering that she dumped me an I was very respectful of her...but I care about her so much that I do not want her to be sad.

 

I am very confused, not sure if I want to spill my heart to her, if I should still be contacting her, if I even want her back...but then I am also afraid that if I do not keep in contact she will move on.

 

I am very confused, sorry I could not be more help, but I think its useful to read that you are not alone.