so conflicted Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I've been with my husband for 15 years, half of them married to him. We met in high school and saved ourselves for marriage. He's always been very faithful, and never absent in any way. Except for this: he's always the one to pursue intimacy, more often than I'm interested. In the past few months he hasn't been pursuing me like he did before. Could he be having an affair (or contemplating someone else) or am I just paranoid? For those who have had cheating spouses, what were the warning signs? How did you find out? He works a steady job and always answers my calls. When he's at home, he's with me...we turn our cell phones off and rarely ever go online. I can't picture him actually cheating, but my intuition says something is off between us.
PegNosePete Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 (edited) Have you talked to him about it? How often are you intimate, both before his "change" and after? Why are you not interested in sex? Does this link help understand his feelings? http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/tp/Withholding-Sex.htm It's quite possible that he is simply sick and tired of repeated rejection, and doesn't bother initiating any more. Men don't like rejection, especially from their wife, it makes them feel inadequate and depressed. Many consider it a form of sexual abuse. But then again your intuition is your most useful tool. If it says something is off, then it probably is. Whether it is cheating or not, well you haven't relaly gone into much detail so it's impossible to say. Edited December 30, 2010 by PegNosePete
ItsNeverForever Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I'm with Pete on this one...if all of his other behavior is as you say it is, it doesn't sound like there's anything going on outside the home. It sounds to me like he's just tired of trying. Pete's right, men are very sensitive and easily hurt by sexual rejection. But because we are all third parties here in LS, and only have so much information, I think the only way you'll get to the bottom of it is by talking to your husband about it. I have to ask, as well - why are you not interested in sex with your husband?
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I'm with the others, if you are refusing him more often in bed, and he feels rejected, he's decided to not make moves on you. To be rejected alot by your own spouse hurts and also feel frustrated. Just talk to him about it. Also, why not put more effort into having more intimacy with him, make moves on HIM so he feels desired, loved and sexy. It has to go both ways. Make time for him, do special things for him too. It's always nice to get flowers, or little present for no reason.
Penney Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Except for this: he's always the one to pursue intimacy, more often than I'm interested. In the past few months he hasn't been pursuing me like he did before. Could he be having an affair (or contemplating someone else) or am I just paranoid? It could mean a lot of things - maybe his testosterone is declining or his thyroid is out of whack. Maybe you are letting yourself go physically and he is turned off by that. Maybe he is angry at you because he thinks you spend too much of the family's money on unnecessary things. Maybe he is tired of pursuing you and having you say no so he is masturbating more. Maybe he is stressed out from work right now and that is causing his libido to diminish. OR it could mean he is cheating. He works a steady job and always answers my calls. When he's at home, he's with me...we turn our cell phones off and rarely ever go online. I can't picture him actually cheating, but my intuition says something is off between us. He could be having a work affair, but usually there is still some out of work texting, emails or cell phone calls. There could very well be something off between you, but it doesn't have to mean infidelity. Are you maintaining your appearance? Are there issues between you two about money? If he is experiencing a declining libido, he should be seen by a doctor. It could mean anything from diabetes to thyroid problems to low testosterone.
young&inlove Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I was in the same position throughout the last year with my hubs. I was the one who was always initiating sex, I am the one who has to do everything when it comes to sex. I would try or ask to be intimate almost every single night. Every single night I asked, my husband had some reason to not be into it (too tired, not feeling well, a lot on his mind, so on and so on). I was rejected almost every night for months. I stopped trying. It was embarrassing to me that my man didn’t want to sleep with me. I am young and fit, yet it was always "no I cant, not tonight." It really hurt my feelings. Whenever I brought it up to him, he would just tell me "that he is sorry but what did I want him to do? Quit his job?" He isn’t a very open man. IMO I don’t think that your husband is cheating on you at all. I think that he is just saddened by the rejection. If you don’t talk to him about this or find a solution, it’s possible he could look for acceptance somewhere else.
martini-mae Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I too concur with other posters here. I realize that there are times in everyone's lives when they aren't interested in sex for whatever reason. (sometimes for short amounts of time, others for longer times) For women - (for me) It's because of raising kids, dealing with household duties & so on. I know back in the day when I told my husband no a lot - he stopped trying. We never really talked about it but we (after some time) got back into sinc. I think he just got sick & tired of me always saying no - or that I wouldn't initiate. It happens. Try not to read more into this than what's REALLY there. Talk with him.
thomasb Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 No one here can be sure if he is cheating. But, intuition is usually good that something is wrong. What it may be however, could be the thought in the back of your mind that you really wouldn't find it surprising due to your lack of interest. And people need intimacy. Whether he cheats or asks for divorce is up to him. But you recognizing there is a problem before either happens can save your relationship from either option. It seems to me, and mind you, this is only my own opinion, that if someone loses interest in sex, it isn't anything to do with their partner, but within themselves. Usually they no longer feel attractive. Do something for yourself. New hairstyle. Gym membership. Or just a romantic dinner for two. May surprise you!
Author so conflicted Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Thanks for the advice. I should talk to him about it. I guess I never had a strong sex drive. I gained weight a few years ago, but I've been working out and lost a lot of it. I'm not sure if self-esteem issues have slowed down my libido. It wasn't that intense to begin with. I just love him. We spend a lot of time together. We're both mostly homebodies, so we have a pretty set routine and we're home a lot. We both work 9-5 jobs, and he plays sports 1-2 times a week with some friends after work, but we have dinner together and hang out at home most nights. We go out to movies, and sit by the fireplace, and have friends over every other weekend or so. We took our first real vacation together this year. I guess I'm just paranoid, and I tend to worry a lot about everything. My family drives me nuts, my job sucks, and he's the only person I have to really talk to. The other thing is that we've talked about having kids for years. We always agreed that I'd stay home with them. I've always been apprehensive about having kids because I've never been around them much, and I've never been really excited about being around them. I watch my friends with kids, and it's so much work and stress. But one of my good friends has the sweetest little girls that have made me come around to the idea more. I'm not pushing for it, but neither is he anymore. And he's still interested in sex, but not as much. I guess it's me. I'm complacent and not really doing anything to change. I don't like change much. And while I've never been "intense" sexually, I do crave constant attention and affection, and I'm very affectionate with him. I guess maybe he's not totally happy with me. But he's never said anything, and he seems fine, other than backing off a little about sex and not talking about kids now. I'm just being paranoid...
PegNosePete Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Whilst you may be paranoid about him having an affair, you're right to be concerned. It does seem as though your relationship is on a knife-edge. Your husband is withdrawing and eventually this will lead to the collapse of your marriage. I would recommend you get yourselves into MC ASAP. If your husband doesn't want to go then tell him it will lead to him getting more sex Act now before it is too late. The cracks are small now, and easily fixed. If you wait they may become too large.
TaraMaiden Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 It's the cracks one has to really watch out for. It's like bricks and mortar... everybody thinks the house is made of bricks, but take away the mortar (thin, tiny colourless, insignificant layers of cement) and it's just a pile of bricks. It's the mortar that does the heavy work, even though you take no notice of it at all... You're not meant to. But when it fails, you know it. You're stagnating, taking each other for granted, and I doubt that when you say you love him you say that wholeheartedly and with as much passion as you should. You've grown together, but frankly, it's become a partnership more than a marriage. You need to take a good long cold hard look at what you guys are doing. Are you husband and wife - or simply two people who happen to be living under a roof, playing roles people observe? And fer chrissakes - don't even THINK about having children for any possible reason other than you desperately want to have children to love, nurture and raise together. This - But one of my good friends has the sweetest little girls that have made me come around to the idea more. - This has to be one of the most insane reasons ever, for considering having children... Go with previous experience - it's not frills and roses round the door. You two come first. I really think, without realising it, your relationship may be nearing critical.....
PegNosePete Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 You're stagnating, taking each other for granted, and I doubt that when you say you love him you say that wholeheartedly and with as much passion as you should. You've grown together, but frankly, it's become a partnership more than a marriage. Yes, OP is only one step away from "I love you but I'm not in love with you". You need to take drastic action now, get to MC if you value your marriage!!
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