Frustrated with my emotions

[StarryEyes86]

I went on a date with a really nice guy tonight...but it seemed he was too eager for chemistry and was finding every little thing to show for evidence that we got along really well. And we did I guess, we were finishing each other's sentences. We went to lunch and saw a movie. We were holding hands, and he was treating me like a princess.

 

So why am I not attracted to him? I'm not seeking answers from other people...mainly just myself.

 

I don't get it. I've always wanted to date a nice guy, and I finally meet a nice guy but I'm not attracted to him. And then he texts me that he had a wonderful time with me and how amazing it was. I feel like an ass about it too. Because I know I'm going to have to let this guy down as gently and as easy as possible because he doesn't deserve to keep seeing someone like me who isn't interested in him "like that". I thought about giving it a second try with a second date, but I can't see myself magically becoming attracted to him anytime soon.

 

Any tips on gently letting a guy down would be much appreciated...

[Surrealist]

Nice guys = BORING!

 

You need to find (in low tone hoarse voice) THE BAD BOY!!!

 

Okay I know you're not looking for that advise but thought I would assist your own search for that elusive answer regarding finding nice guys unattractive.

 

Now how to let him down softly? Just tell him you had a good date but you don't feel you want to continue. Tell him you think he is a 'nice guy' but you just don't feel romantically compatible.

[ConflictedGuy27]

go out with the guy again.

instant "head-over-heels chemistry" isn't necessarily common.

 

give the guy a chance to warm his game up.

what's to lose? I mean, you had a good time with a guy you liked, on some level.

 

just dump him later if it's not working like you expect.

you don't owe him anything.

[that girl]

Oh Jeez, more fuel for the nice guy paranoia.

 

I think the big question is whether or not you were attracted to his looks. If his looks didn't do it for you, it isn't surprising that his other wonderful qualities didn't make up for it.

 

If you have a history of dating complete jerks (I don't mean guys who were less than perfect, I mean guys who treated you terribly) than maybe you have some personal issues that stop you from getting with the good guys out there. Not because they're boring, but because you are damaged in some way.

[StarryEyes86]

Oh Jeez, more fuel for the nice guy paranoia.

 

I think the big question is whether or not you were attracted to his looks. If his looks didn't do it for you, it isn't surprising that his other wonderful qualities didn't make up for it.

 

If you have a history of dating complete jerks (I don't mean guys who were less than perfect, I mean guys who treated you terribly) than maybe you have some personal issues that stop you from getting with the good guys out there. Not because they're boring, but because you are damaged in some way.

 

I'm not attracted to his looks. I mean he isn't ugly or anything (I've been into guys who were far from handsome), I'm just not attracted to him like that. I think whats also turning me off too is that he texted me a lot last night, then emailed me and tried to talk to me on Yahoo chat right after our date so I'm already feeling a bit smothered.

[Jannah]

I think it's the "not attracted to his looks", more so than anything else.

 

Because if you had been, you would want to continue dating him, and do kissy kissy with him. :bunny:

[StarryEyes86]

Jannah, just an off-topic note...I love red velvet cake too.

[rhonian]

I dont know your story but when was your last breakup? Could someone else still have hold of your heart?

[StarryEyes86]

I dont know your story but when was your last breakup? Could someone else still have hold of your heart?

 

My last breakup was over a year ago. I know its not that lol. I've been on multiple dates with one person before and I've been attracted to other guys since. This guy just isn't my type as Nightsky simply put it.

[Jannah]

Jannah, just an off-topic note...I love red velvet cake too.

 

 

Isn't it like the best cake ever?

[Distant78]

Why is it in all of these date threads the guy is always the azzhole. So because he's not some smoking hot 25-year-old Justin Bieber he's all of a sudden a loser? Just dump him now so he can find someone else. He doesn't deserve this.

[StarryEyes86]

Why is it in all of these date threads the guy is always the azzhole. So because he's not some smoking hot 25-year-old Justin Bieber he's all of a sudden a loser? Just dump him now so he can find someone else. He doesn't deserve this.

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa...chill out! I never called this guy a loser or implied that he was an azzhole. If you actually read how I described him, he's a really nice guy and he treated me very well (just a bit smothering after the date). Whether its looks or whatever, I don't think this guy is a loser in anyway shape or form. I just wasn't feeling the chemistry and I think that's okay. It happens to a lot of people. And the guys I date are usually not "smokin' hot" either, for some reason I'm just not attracted to this guy. And I'm not going to just turn him down cold-heartedly or be mean...I want to make sure he knows that he is a great guy, but he just isn't my type.

 

Geez...defensive much?

[zengirl]

go out with the guy again.

instant "head-over-heels chemistry" isn't necessarily common.

 

give the guy a chance to warm his game up.

what's to lose? I mean, you had a good time with a guy you liked, on some level.

 

just dump him later if it's not working like you expect.

you don't owe him anything.

 

I agree with this generally, unless his looks really don't do it for you. If it's a chemistry isssue (i.e. I found him aesthetically appealing, but he doesn't get me going right away), I can see a second date. Definitely not too long, though -- one, two, three. . . if I don't feel chemistry by Date 3. No dice. But usually, I don't even wind up dragging it that far, and cut at Date 1, like the OP, because I haven't got loads of free time laying about, and meeting new men isn't terribly difficult.

 

I'm not attracted to his looks. I mean he isn't ugly or anything (I've been into guys who were far from handsome), I'm just not attracted to him like that. I think whats also turning me off too is that he texted me a lot last night, then emailed me and tried to talk to me on Yahoo chat right after our date so I'm already feeling a bit smothered.

 

If you really don't like his looks, why go out with him? Was it a blind date? Is it looks or chemistry? I bet it's more the smothering thing. Men can be so extreme with this----they either feel like they need to wait ages to call or they need to bombard you. I don't get it. Text a girl, see if she responds, set up a date, let it be.

 

Generally, all this mass communicating via text/email/chat --- whether from a man or a woman --- is insecurity. It's the worry they'll be with someone else, or forget about you, or whatnot. Everyone has insecurity, but they should also have the judgment and self-control to quash it. And not doing so is a turnoff. I get it.

 

I don't think you need to let him down super easy. Just say, "Hey, thank you very much for the lovely date, but I'm not really interested, and I don't think we click. Good luck out there!" Some guys respond negatively to that, but anyone who does is a jerk. And I don't worry about what jerks thing. Most people just disappear----they're jerks, too----when faced with a very polite, honest statement that it isn't going to go farther, what more could you ask for?

 

Why is it in all of these date threads the guy is always the azzhole. So because he's not some smoking hot 25-year-old Justin Bieber he's all of a sudden a loser? Just dump him now so he can find someone else. He doesn't deserve this.

 

Actually, the OP made it seem like she felt like a jerk for not liking him, quite the opposite of your read. Did you actually read the post?

[rhonian]

Distant, you are WRONG on this one. I think you owe her an apology AND Im a guy. I dont hear anyone saying this guy was an *******???

[LondonS]

why did you hold hands with him etc?

when I am on a date and not feeling the guy, I do not make any physical contact, not even a brush of a hand let alone holding hands, it,ll send any guy the Green light signal...dont lead them on.

I recently had a date exactly what you described, guy really liked me, very nice guy, just wasnt for me...He tried but I made no physical contact....

[StarryEyes86]

why did you hold hands with him etc?

when I am on a date and not feeling the guy, I do not make any physical contact, not even a brush of a hand let alone holding hands, it,ll send any guy the Green light signal...dont lead them on.

I recently had a date exactly what you described, guy really liked me, very nice guy, just wasnt for me...He tried but I made no physical contact....

 

It was during the movie...he kinda snuck up on me per se. Sometimes contact helps me become attracted to the guy but it didn't help in this case. I did eventually start pulling away and kept to myself for the rest of the date. You make a great point.

 

If you really don't like his looks, why go out with him? Was it a blind date? Is it looks or chemistry? I bet it's more the smothering thing. Men can be so extreme with this----they either feel like they need to wait ages to call or they need to bombard you. I don't get it. Text a girl, see if she responds, set up a date, let it be.

 

Generally, all this mass communicating via text/email/chat --- whether from a man or a woman --- is insecurity. It's the worry they'll be with someone else, or forget about you, or whatnot. Everyone has insecurity, but they should also have the judgment and self-control to quash it. And not doing so is a turnoff. I get it.

 

I don't think you need to let him down super easy. Just say, "Hey, thank you very much for the lovely date, but I'm not really interested, and I don't think we click. Good luck out there!"

 

It actually was a blind date! A co-worker of mine is friends with him and I allowed him to give the guy my Yahoo ID so I did see a few pics. He looked okay in his pics and we were really clicking before we met. You hit the nail on the head with the smothering thing. Hearing from him about 4 times from 3 different methods of communication is a bit much for me after a first date. It kind of feels like he was coming in from all directions. And yes, he's a great/nice guy, but I just don't feel it. As much as I want and try to...I just can't get that spark. Thank you for the advice.

 

Distant, you are WRONG on this one. I think you owe her an apology AND Im a guy. I dont hear anyone saying this guy was an *******???

 

Thank you.

[catgotyourtongue]

You can't force connection or chemistry, but it's good that you recognize and want to date a nice man. It's still hard to find the right combo in one man. Don't beat yourself up for not falling if you don't feel it, best thing to do is be kind and careful with his feelings if you know its not going to be for you...he seems very into you, so be gentle....

 

I went on a date with a really nice guy tonight...but it seemed he was too eager for chemistry and was finding every little thing to show for evidence that we got along really well. And we did I guess, we were finishing each other's sentences. We went to lunch and saw a movie. We were holding hands, and he was treating me like a princess.

 

So why am I not attracted to him? I'm not seeking answers from other people...mainly just myself.

 

Hey distant

Wow a little jumpy, she did not nearly imply he was an ass, just the opposite, this post was abt her feeling badly she could not feel more for a really nice guy. she was not hating on him, at all. Check youself and reread her post. She wants to protect his feelings not label him....

Why is it in all of these date threads the guy is always the azzhole. So because he's not some smoking hot 25-year-old Justin Bieber he's all of a sudden a loser? Just dump him now so he can find someone else. He doesn't deserve this.

Distant78Why is it in all of these date threads the guy is always the azzhole. So because he's not some smoking hot 25-year-old Justin Bieber he's all of a sudden a loser? Just dump him now so he can find someone else. He doesn't deserve this.

[NoLongerSad]

Why is it in all of these date threads the guy is always the azzhole. So because he's not some smoking hot 25-year-old Justin Bieber he's all of a sudden a loser? Just dump him now so he can find someone else. He doesn't deserve this.

 

Many women, perhaps including the OP, just can't seem to leave one relationship until they have their sights on the next one, or are actually starting to date the second guy already.

 

He has to be the a-hole because it can never be the woman's fault, surely you understand that?

 

She doesn't really like him, he's not good enough for her, but she hasn't found the next guy yet, so she needs to figure out the right way to string him along until she can find a suitable replacement.

[zengirl]

Many women, perhaps including the OP, just can't seem to leave one relationship until they have their sights on the next one, or are actually starting to date the second guy already.

 

He has to be the a-hole because it can never be the woman's fault, surely you understand that?

 

She doesn't really like him, he's not good enough for her, but she hasn't found the next guy yet, so she needs to figure out the right way to string him along until she can find a suitable replacement.

 

Except for she specifically said she doesn't want to go out with him again and string him along AND that he's a nice guy (just not her cuppa). Don't let the facts or what she actually said get in the way of your conspiracy theories about how she's out to get all men, though.

 

It was a blind date. He digs her. She doesn't reciprocate. It's unfortunate, but it's nobody's "fault" and there is no tragedy here.

[USMCHokie]

I'm not attracted to his looks. I mean he isn't ugly or anything (I've been into guys who were far from handsome), I'm just not attracted to him like that. I think whats also turning me off too is that he texted me a lot last night, then emailed me and tried to talk to me on Yahoo chat right after our date so I'm already feeling a bit smothered.

 

This is all that matters. If you were attracted to him physically, then you would never feel "smothered" by all the attention he's giving you. Instead, you'd probably be welcoming it.

 

His personality and/or nice guy-ness is completely irrelevant.

[krz12]

This is all that matters. If you were attracted to him physically, then you would never feel "smothered" by all the attention he's giving you. Instead, you'd probably be welcoming it.

 

His personality and/or nice guy-ness is completely irrelevant.

 

That's an interesting point. It seems like there's a very fine line between being disinterested and smothering, and its better to err on the disinterested side.

[ConflictedGuy27]

even if he looked amazing to you. the ways he tried to contact you after date 1 is pretty creepy, IMO.

 

I'd have to reevaluate a 2nd date with a woman if such a thing happened. when a guy does this, it seems way too indicative of other problems; social or otherwise.

 

If you want to help him out a bit, I say let him know it was the communication thing that made you two seem incompatible. e.g. "it's probably just me, but I felt a bit smothered after we hung out." then add the "you're a nice guy and I wish you luck" bit.

 

he went into "eager beaver mode" & ruined his shot. I say throw that piece of information his way so he could adjust.

[NoLongerSad]

Except for she specifically said she doesn't want to go out with him again and string him along AND that he's a nice guy (just not her cuppa).

 

Fine. Then all she needs to do is send him a txt as follows: "Please don't contact me again. I am not interested in seeing you again."

 

Don't let the facts or what she actually said get in the way of your conspiracy theories about how she's out to get all men, though.

 

I never said she was out to get all men, obviously. But if she is having any problem letting this one go, then there has to be an explanation for it. Typically women often are hesitant to let go of an unsatisfactory bird in the hand unless they can at least see one in a close-by bush.

 

It was a blind date. He digs her. She doesn't reciprocate. It's unfortunate, but it's nobody's "fault" and there is no tragedy here.

 

It can sometimes be difficult for a person to dump someone else if they will end up all alone, though.

[StarryEyes86]

I never said she was out to get all men, obviously. But if she is having any problem letting this one go, then there has to be an explanation for it. Typically women often are hesitant to let go of an unsatisfactory bird in the hand unless they can at least see one in a close-by bush.

 

It can sometimes be difficult for a person to dump someone else if they will end up all alone, though.

 

I'm sorry to say you have it all wrong.

 

I don't have ANY problem letting this one go, I'm just trying to figure out how to let him down easy. Because he is a nice guy and deserves a humane let down rather than just a cold text. And there's no other guy in the picture, nor am I sitting in my castle waiting for my prince to come while I keep the jester around just for fun. I've been single for long periods of time and I've been just fine, thank you. I'd rather be alone than be with someone that I'm not attracted to. That is just unfair and cruel to the other person.

[USMCHokie]

I don't have ANY problem letting this one go, I'm just trying to figure out how to let him down easy. Because he is a nice guy and deserves a humane let down rather than just a cold text.

 

It boggles my mind why people say this...it's such an oxymoron...there's nothing "humane" about rejection...the best way to do it is the proverbial bullet to the head...quick, easy, and direct...

 

I think this is more for you...because you seem to be concerned about what he thinks of you after you turn him down...