IzzyB Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I ended A for good 3 wks ago after MM kept vaccillating about continuing (or not) to see me. I am also M so I never wanted him to leave his W but I would have wanted to keep seeing him if he could have done so without all of the drama and push/pull behaviors. After DDay in August (his wife found out) and subsequent attempts at NC I finally realized he no longer had anything to offer me (other than his own confusion) and it would be better for both of us to end it for real. He had been talking about ending it again (this time not because of the W but because he has a career opportunity in which he simply cant get caught in an A - nice, i know) and I gathered the strength to tell him that this time its for real. I was kind of harsh because the other NC's didnt stick and I figured if I was firm it would keep him away this time - and me too, i had broken NC before myself. I had also attempted to end it a few times early on before DD because of his pulling away behaviors at the beginning of the A but I hadnt been able to maintain it. After that though, he stopped pulling away, and we had months where we got a long great and the A was working for both of us, for the most part anyway. I've been getting a lot of support just from reading other people's experiences on LS as I've been reading here for awhile. Im posting now because I really want to remain strong and I can use the support. I know I wont contact him, I am just too clear about the fact that the R was no longer giving me what I needed/wanted and he was becoming more and more confused and selfish. I have two concerns: one is if he does contact me, that I would cave and talk to him; and two, that he wont try to contact me. I know that is so mature (not) and totally my ego, but I just wanted to get my crazy thinking out there where its much safer than in my head And yes, I do feel that ending it is the right thing to do for all involved - he needs that clarity as do I. That was also one of his main reasons for ending it (when he wasnt able to) and I agree with that. However, being very honest, if we had still been able to see each other without the soap opera after dday, I would probably still be in the R. Sad but true. There's more to this story, as there usually is, but for now, thats where its at. I know many have broken NC lately and to be honest, I'm a bit envious in terms of the fact that their MM cant help it. On the other hand, I know how confusing it is so my heart goes out to you guys as well. I would appreciate feedback and support. Also, I am completely clear on why I started this A, and also why I ended it, so if you want to know more about my situation, just ask.
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 What about your husband? Why did you cheat on him?
Author IzzyB Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 I started the A because I was in a sexless M and I couldnt take it anymore. Truthfully, nothing was going well in my M at the time and I think I was overwhelmed. There are additional factors but dont want to make this a novel. Not justifying my reasons for the A. I know A's arent the right course to take but I simply didnt have the courage to leave M at that time. I had never cheated before on anyone in my life so it was truly different for me. Just FYI, I had tried talking to my H for years. Begged him to go to counseling wth me, found him therapist for him to see, he did start mc with me a few times but never continued. And it never seemed to help. I Bought us both books to read - he never read them, tried telling him how i felt some more and asking what his needs were blah blah blah. I cant even remember how many times I tried talking with him and his responses were always excuses. SO again, no excuses for why I had the A, just where my mindset was at. DO I wish I was able to handle things differently? Yes, I really do. Now, on to maintaining no contact.......
woinlove Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 It sounds like you are doing the right thing with NC. Although it is understandable that part of you wishes he would contact you to show that he cares, often broken NC is just the person trying to fill a hole in themselves rather than actually caring about or loving another person. Since you were so firm in establishing NC, perhaps he respects you enough to stick with it. You explained why you started the affair and your marriage certainly sounds horrible. Contrast that with a marriage where the two are lovers, best friends, each others biggest supporter,... and I have to ask why do you stay married? It sounds like you are missing out on all that a loving and happy marriage can bring and your attempts to change the situation have failed. What keeps you in the marriage?
Author IzzyB Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 Thats a really good question WIL. There were a lot of factors that made it very difficult to leave including a major move across country away from family and friends. We have always been good friends but the lover part had been weak when we married and got much weaker after children came into the picture. And during the crisis, he wasnt helping out with childcare or anything and making no effort in the R. We had reached a crisis point when I took up with MOM. Things have greatly improved in my M within the last 4 months and H is really trying hard to make things worth. I ended up giving him an ultimatum about his participation in the M as I was ready to leave (not for MOM) and meant what I said. He is now working on things and so am I, however, I dont know if we will remain together, we have a lot of work to do, and in the past, he has never been able to sustain his efforts.
calliope Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I have two concerns: one is if he does contact me, that I would cave and talk to him; and two, that he wont try to contact me. I feel exactly the same way Izzy. I even get to the point of anxiety when I think about #2 happening. We work together, so I know I'll get to see him frequently and it gives me some kind of peace. I know it sounds sad, but I honestly don't think that right now I could handle total NC and not seeing him ever again.
flowergirl77 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 My story is VERY similare to your...how/why you got in an affair (read my posts) I have been NC for 35 days, and the first 3 weeks were hell. Now I only think of OM a few times..well maybe more than a few, but way less, and the urge to contact him has faded. I think of what it would be like to see him again, but then think what would we have to say other than hi, how's it going... I went through an intense depression at first with the thought of never seeing OM again. I couldn't imagine never seeing him again. Now I can, and I am ok with it. Keep up the NC..if you truly want to end things (it is best for all if you do) NC is the only way to go. I tried other halfway measures..but it didn't work. If you see him or have contact, it will never be over. Trust me, I learned from experience.
half_ofa_heart Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I ended A for good 3 wks ago after MM kept vaccillating about continuing (or not) to see me. I am also M so I never wanted him to leave his W but I would have wanted to keep seeing him if he could have done so without all of the drama and push/pull behaviors. After DDay in August (his wife found out) and subsequent attempts at NC I finally realized he no longer had anything to offer me (other than his own confusion) and it would be better for both of us to end it for real. He had been talking about ending it again (this time not because of the W but because he has a career opportunity in which he simply cant get caught in an A - nice, i know) and I gathered the strength to tell him that this time its for real. I was kind of harsh because the other NC's didnt stick and I figured if I was firm it would keep him away this time - and me too, i had broken NC before myself. I had also attempted to end it a few times early on before DD because of his pulling away behaviors at the beginning of the A but I hadnt been able to maintain it. After that though, he stopped pulling away, and we had months where we got a long great and the A was working for both of us, for the most part anyway. I've been getting a lot of support just from reading other people's experiences on LS as I've been reading here for awhile. Im posting now because I really want to remain strong and I can use the support. I know I wont contact him, I am just too clear about the fact that the R was no longer giving me what I needed/wanted and he was becoming more and more confused and selfish. I have two concerns: one is if he does contact me, that I would cave and talk to him; and two, that he wont try to contact me. I know that is so mature (not) and totally my ego, but I just wanted to get my crazy thinking out there where its much safer than in my head And yes, I do feel that ending it is the right thing to do for all involved - he needs that clarity as do I. That was also one of his main reasons for ending it (when he wasnt able to) and I agree with that. However, being very honest, if we had still been able to see each other without the soap opera after dday, I would probably still be in the R. Sad but true. There's more to this story, as there usually is, but for now, thats where its at. I know many have broken NC lately and to be honest, I'm a bit envious in terms of the fact that their MM cant help it. On the other hand, I know how confusing it is so my heart goes out to you guys as well. I would appreciate feedback and support. Also, I am completely clear on why I started this A, and also why I ended it, so if you want to know more about my situation, just ask. I feel for you! I have tried NC so many times and this last bout was the longest (went a full month) but with his many many many attempts to contact me coupled with the fact that I am under a tremendous amount of stress personally, I just caved. I struggle with what I SHOULD do and what I WANT to do. Stay strong but it sounds like you should think twice about staying married. It's not an easy decision and no one can tell you when and if you should leave but you DESERVE to be happy and should work toward that. Good luck to you and Happiest of New Years to you!
Author IzzyB Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Hi Half, sheesh, I dont blame you for giving in. He sounds really persistant. I think if my xMM was that persistant I would have given in too. And when do we get an update??? pretty please? I am definitely focusing on ME, in IC and working through my own issues and the marital lack that led me to cheating. Now that the A is over and the issues that were there are still there (although much improved) I feel pretty empty and its hard to get over him. I love him a lot but I always knew he has a lot of work to do to have a healthy relationship with his W or anyone for that matter. Knowing all of this helps in that I had no delusions about us winding up together. However, I still miss him like crazy Thanks for the posts all.
Author IzzyB Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 I feel exactly the same way Izzy. I even get to the point of anxiety when I think about #2 happening. We work together, so I know I'll get to see him frequently and it gives me some kind of peace. I know it sounds sad, but I honestly don't think that right now I could handle total NC and not seeing him ever again. Wow Calli, i would think that would be even harder to see him at work! You are very strong to be able to handle that!
Author IzzyB Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 My story is VERY similare to your...how/why you got in an affair (read my posts) I have been NC for 35 days, and the first 3 weeks were hell. Now I only think of OM a few times..well maybe more than a few, but way less, and the urge to contact him has faded. I think of what it would be like to see him again, but then think what would we have to say other than hi, how's it going... I went through an intense depression at first with the thought of never seeing OM again. I couldn't imagine never seeing him again. Now I can, and I am ok with it. Keep up the NC..if you truly want to end things (it is best for all if you do) NC is the only way to go. I tried other halfway measures..but it didn't work. If you see him or have contact, it will never be over. Trust me, I learned from experience. FG, when do you feel you turned the corner? Today is three weeks NC and a month of very LC before that. Some days Im okay and others I just cant stand the fact that I dont know how he is doing. Im okay and not moping around though. I definitely had more ups and downs, highs and lows while actively in the A. My life is more sane again, however I have a lot of work to do.
xxSRMxx Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 MY NC has been two weeks now, and the only reason why its NC is because of our dday...which I knew, I hate not knowing how he is too, we were good friends, Its a bit crap knowing ill never speak to him again. Knowing he probably hates me etc but NC is the BEST thing for us all, I now no longer constantly look at my phone or arrange times we can meet etc etc. I take my hat off to all of you who are maintaining NC even when the MM is constantly emailing/calling or texting you...I dont actually think I could have been that strong. Keep it up!
half_ofa_heart Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Hi Half, sheesh, I dont blame you for giving in. He sounds really persistant. I think if my xMM was that persistant I would have given in too. And when do we get an update??? pretty please? I am definitely focusing on ME, in IC and working through my own issues and the marital lack that led me to cheating. Now that the A is over and the issues that were there are still there (although much improved) I feel pretty empty and its hard to get over him. I love him a lot but I always knew he has a lot of work to do to have a healthy relationship with his W or anyone for that matter. Knowing all of this helps in that I had no delusions about us winding up together. However, I still miss him like crazy Thanks for the posts all. I started my own thread and I guess it has a brief update but right now, I'm back in. I've been dreading posting an update because I'mm so ashamed of myself. Clearly I'm in no position of strength to start the "END". We've been talking a LOT and we've discussed my problems with going back to what we had. He understands and tries so hard to stay away from me when I ask him to but he always falls back towards me. He admits that he's being selfish which is why he "tries" but always fails. He says he has never loved anyone like he loves me. Says he feels that he has nothing in common with his W but feels obligated to stay married for his 3-year old. Says that he is certain that his marriage is over and that his W doesn't want to be married to him either and that the only joy in his home life is his children. With all my personal crisis that I have been dealing with, I just can't handle trying to fight off the one person that makes me feel human. I truly cannot remember another time where I have felt so confused. So, Izzy, I wish you all the luck in the world in your situation and affair aside, the one good decision I have made in my life, was to leave my husband. I struggled with it for years and never thought I'd be happy if I did. I was wrong! I was, and despite all the current turmoil in my life, am very happy. So, please Izzy, do what you need to do to make Izzy happy!! Hugs to you
blizzard Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I am entering my 8th month of NC. I can honestly say it is still very very hard and at times the wounds are still very fresh. When I look back on the first two weeks I realize how much better off I am. I completely fell into a depression that kept me bedridden for days. I was grieving...literally. Sometimes I still feel hope. Like he may bounce back into my life down the road. But the hope isn't nearly as strong as it was. The fog is almost gone. I am seeing things for what they are worth...but it still hurts and I still have questions that will never get answered. The holidays have been hard and I have nearly caved. But I continue to postpone sending anything. I have used holidays as benchmarks I suppose...but when that particular holiday rolls around I don't feel ready so I wait for the next. Just some weird mind game I play with myself. But it's working. If I did decide to finally hit send, I wouldn't expect a reply. He hasn't tried to contact me why would he reply. And really I don't feel that I need one. Knowing that he read what I had to say would be peace enough. But I still miss him like crazy...I always will. Best wishes to you.
jwi71 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Thats a really good question WIL. There were a lot of factors that made it very difficult to leave including a major move across country away from family and friends. We have always been good friends but the lover part had been weak when we married and got much weaker after children came into the picture. And during the crisis, he wasnt helping out with childcare or anything and making no effort in the R. We had reached a crisis point when I took up with MOM. Things have greatly improved in my M within the last 4 months and H is really trying hard to make things worth. I ended up giving him an ultimatum about his participation in the M as I was ready to leave (not for MOM) and meant what I said. He is now working on things and so am I, however, I dont know if we will remain together, we have a lot of work to do, and in the past, he has never been able to sustain his efforts. Seems to me as you BOTH need to work on the M and not just your H (and that's the impression I get from this thread anyway). Have you told your H of the A? Are you in MC? IC? What are YOU doing to repair the M? I believe that M requires trust, honesty and openness to be truly successful. What are YOU doing to get that back? It sounds like you are unhappy and you have simply tasked HIM (your H) with making you so - won't work so just up and file now if that's your plan. No person can make you happy - its a state of being that comes from within. What makes you unhappy? What can YOU do to fix it?
Author IzzyB Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 It sounds like you are unhappy and you have simply tasked HIM (your H) with making you so - won't work so just up and file now if that's your plan. No person can make you happy - its a state of being that comes from within. What makes you unhappy? What can YOU do to fix it?[ /QUOTE] I totally agree with you, thanks. And yes, Im taking responsibility for making myself happy, no one else can do this. Ive asked him to participate in mc again repeatedly. It is time for him to step up to the plate. There are other details but I choose not to discuss my M in this forum. Thanks for your post
awkward Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 This post is for OW who are hurting in their relationships with their MM. I'm not suggesting that people who are happy being the other woman go NC. If you want your life to be different a year from now watching the new year turn to 2012, you are the only one that can make it happen. It takes a brave person to make big changes. It takes a strong woman to change emails, phone numbers, and completely block someone out of their life. It takes a courageous woman to keep no contact when their ex-partner persists. For those of you who are still NC congrats. You are on your way to healing. By this time next year you might even find a man that is who he says he is, does what he says he is going to do, and when you're kissing him at midnight you won't have to wonder if he is going to kiss his wife too. For those of you who broke NC try it again when you are ready. You have to love yourself more than you love him. You still have time to leave the negatives behind you in 2010. Make 2011 your year for happiness. Out with the old ... in the with the new. A new you that is.
awkward Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 And yes, Im taking responsibility for making myself happy, no one else can do this. Yes Izzy. I completely agree. I hope you get there soon.
Author IzzyB Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Awk, thanks for your posts and your support. Im staying NC, one day at a time.
Bittersweetie Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Hi Izzy, I was a WS and I'm now over a year NC. I think a key to NC is to cut down on just thinking about the OM. When I used to think about him a lot is when I wanted to contact him. It was hard to not think about him so much at first. But then I recognized something: I was thinking about him to escape thinking about what I was dealing with in real life. Once I saw that, I was able to really cut down thinking about him. And I kind of did what Blizzard was talking about...I say to myself, I'll think about him at this time," and just keep pushing it back. Or if I as feeling particularly bad I'd say, fine! I'll think about him right now for fifteen minutes! But then I'd usually be tired of it after only five. I just think that the two are related, thoughts and wanting to contact. It's like something that's psychosomatic...if you think about your leg itching, then your leg starts itching. It sounds kind of silly but it worked for me. Hope this helps and happy new year!
Author IzzyB Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Hi Izzy, I was a WS and I'm now over a year NC. I think a key to NC is to cut down on just thinking about the OM. When I used to think about him a lot is when I wanted to contact him. It was hard to not think about him so much at first. But then I recognized something: I was thinking about him to escape thinking about what I was dealing with in real life. Sooo true B, thank you! I've been doing pretty well with NC, at least for the last day or two. I've been really facing my own sh** lately. He was definitely an escape for me, but quite honestly, the negative was waaay outweighing the positive at the end. DId your AP ever try to contact you after you went NC? And are you pretty much over him a year later? Happy New Year to you as well.
Bittersweetie Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 DId your AP ever try to contact you after you went NC? And are you pretty much over him a year later? No, my AP never tried to contact me. Part of me was upset by that at first, but now I'm glad because at least he showed some semblance of respect for me by leaving me alone (or he could've just not gave a crap about me!). Either way, not having to deal with him allowed me to get him out of my head and concentrate on working on me and my M. And yes, I'm over him. I still think about him from time to time. But thinking about the past year, and the second chance my H gave me, and how far we've come since D-day, my H is such a wonderful man that the AP doesn't even compare. We haven't fully reconciled but I have hope that with continuing my self-examination and working on the M we can in the future. I am afraid that I'm making this sound like it was easy...it wasn't. I remember days when all I wanted to do was send the AP an email. But I stuck to NC and I am so glad I did, I am in a much better place now than I was a year ago.
Recommended Posts