Been cheated on..

[kourtney01]

I am deeply in love with someone that I also feel like I hate in the same time...I can't describe it.

Basically, in a nutshell, he has put me through **** and back. He has cheated multiple times and went though a phase where I was finding a different number, a different picture in his phone...every day!!!! I finally couldn't take it anymore (don't even know how I stayed so long) and went away for 2 weeks. Prior to leaving I also packed my bags and moved out of his place and back at my mom's house. When I came back from vacation it's like he was a changed man. I guess it was my fault too for letting him treat me that way. When I finally stood up for myself and disappeared he realized how much he loved me and started to change. It's too bad that only 2 weeks later (on my birthday) I found out about a girl he was sleeping with (WHICH HE MET ON OUR ANNIVERSARY WEEKEND) for 5 months behind my back. Even though it had ended between them when he made me that promise, I was still soooo hurt because it was emotional cheating on top of cheating already!

 

We tried to work things out because I really did see a change in him and things got a lot better over the last 4 months since he cheated last.

 

I have to add at this point that we have been together for 2 years and while he was cheating we were engaged!!! And we also lived together and got matching tattoos!

 

About a month ago we went on vacation together and had such an amazing time that we decided to set the date for our wedding which is only 6 months away.

 

Now I find myself in a dilemma... I'm constantly accusing him of cheating, I have nightmares at night and I'm always crying as if I can't even control my emotions! It's crazy I feel like I've gone completely nuts and I'm destroying our relationship!

 

In the same time, I feel like he has been acting a bit shady too. For example, when he goes out with his friends he never answers my calls for hours on end and usually calls me at 3am when he gets home or the next morning and has some elaborate story why he didn't answer. (ex: was too drunk, forgot his phone in his car, etc) Then he freaks out on me for keeping tabs on him 24/7 and tells me that I'm not his mother. As a result, I've lost the little trust I had slowly gained back for him and now I feel like I've gone completely nuts. I hate it when he goes out because I know he won't answer his phone and we fight ALL the time. Plus, he always brings the phone in the bathroom with him (when he showers or uses the bathroom) which he did in the past but stopped doing for a while. Now he's at it again and he tells me its because I'm nosy and I always look through his phone and he's teaching me a lesson in privacy. It's true I do look through his phone but as his future-wife and because he cheated I feel like I have every right to!!! I don't care if he looks through mine I have nothing to hide and he has looked through it before anyway.

 

I don't know what to do.. things have started to go bad again for the last few weeks and I'm afraid it's all my fault this time. Am I overreacting?

I told him he should understand because of what he has put me through in the past but he says that excuse is getting old and I need to get over it at this point and let the past go. (it's been 4 months since all of that bad stuff happened) I don't want to push him away if nothing is going on, but at the same time I feel like the red flags are surfacing again and I can't help but be scared that history will repeat itself. I also noticed that he doesn't miss me as much as he used to...he can go out for an entire day without so much as giving me a call or a text. (our sex life is normal however)

 

I need some honest advice...I feel like I'm loosing myself crying all the time and having nightmares and I'm always sad... I don't know why all of a sudden I'm feeling worse then before. Is my gut telling me something or am I crazy?

 

Any honest advice please..

[FryFish]

He is cheating again... leave him forever this time.

[paleblue]

Im sorry you are going thru this relationship that sounds like its turned into a nightmare. Do yourself a favor. Just end it a move on. It is damaged beyond repair. The trust is broken. He will never stop cheating on you. Even if you were able to forgive him for what he has done so far, it will just happen again. You will be miserable forever in this relationship, because that's not what you want in a relationship. You want someone who is going to love and respect you and treat you right. Not treat you like a tramp. You are already crying all the time over this and always sad. That is a huge Red Flag. Actually, there are a lot of serious red flags here. Its not going to get better. Sorry, you sound like a great girl, but you've put up with a lot that you shouldnt have to here. Ditch him and move on and dont look back. I dont seeanything good coming out of this. Its completely unhealthy.

[bellexxx]

Leave right now!! I have been cheated on recently too and it hurts big time coz u love them so much. Its been a few days for me now, and I have recovered a lot, I have learnt that I must respect myself so I left. He will never fully respect you unless you leave him, he will continue treating you like s***, you do not deserve that! You must remember that you can never fully trust him now and so your relatiobship will suffer.

He must learn that he cannot treat women like that period.

I was crying everyday for about 2 months too while I was still with him, but I couldnt see past the love I had for him. Now that we are over, I can totally see I deserved more than that

Please, respect and love yourself and leave, if he truly loves you, he will regret everything he has done, if not, then you know he is not the one for you....

You deserve a lot better than him and do not let him get away with it.. I am not saying its not gonna hurt because it will, but evetually you will see a brighter future I promise.....

Good luck!! keep remembering that you do deserve a lot better!

[kourtney01]

I hope you feel better bellexxx.

 

I guess I have reservations because, unlike yourself, I decided to forgive and forget. Now I feel like my own insecurities are at play and I want to make sure I make the right decision this time around.

 

There's nothing to excuse his past behavior but, past cheating aside, there was a significant improvement and I'm not sure if recent events are a sign that he's cheating again...

 

...all the best for you on your road to recovery!

[FryFish]

He made JUST ENOUGH effort to get you back... He got you back and as soon as he was sure you were his again he started ****ing other girls again... LEAVE HIM! You are probably a great girl, and you are wasted on this cheating *******... Is he really THAT good looking?

[forrest]

He's cheating on you, plain and simply. Its obvious, way too obvious. You're his back up girl, using you just for sex. That's all. He has his other girls he goes to first, and when he is feeling lazy and unmotivated, he'll come back to you to get his jollies on. The only thing that will change when you get married to him is that he won't even bother to hide his cheating. He knows you won't leave him after that.

 

As other posters said, you need to dump him and move on. Otherwise you'll continue the cycle of always crying and being unhappy because nothing in him will change. As mentioned above, your his backup for when he is feeling lazy or can't get it from anyone else.

[PegNosePete]

I decided to forgive and forget.

Ah now there is the mistake. Forgive, but don't forget.

He is cheating again, for sure. Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

Do not marry him, whatever you do.

Get rid of him ASAP. RUN!

[homebrew]

You are "unhealthy"... You have a low self-esteem and a bad self imagine.

 

Otherwise, you would not stay with someone that treated you this way.

 

In a way, you feel like you deserve it.

 

You need to get rid of the guy and go solve the deeper problem... So you do not have to go through this again.

[MichiganMan222]

Forgive/Forget = Got away with it/Do it somemore

 

 

For future reference, if a guy tells you he's taking his phone in the can to keep you from snooping, see if he'll just take the battery in there instead....I doubt it. Probably a digital blumpy.

[BellaBellaBella]

go buy how to survive and affair. He is cheating again. so either get out now while no kids are involved or keep on and he will treat you the same. I would advise a nice plan A. Followed by plan B. If he is committed to you he would be transparent to you and show you his phone.

[Kinder-Horror]

Unfortunately.... I am just going to say what everyone else said.

You're justifying his actions and blaming yourself for being "insecure."

It isn't insecure to suspect someone of cheating when they have already cheated on you and are acting shady!

This is inappropriate behavior and you should not accept it! Is this how you want to be treated by your soon-to-be husband? No!

You are ignoring your intuition and you will regret that one day. Follow your gut and let it lead you right out the door. You deserve better

[Viva]

SEE IT THIS WAY:

 

I'm a daughter of a married couple whose father does the same crap your boyfriend does. He brings the phone with him to the bathroom so that his family (or in your case, his fiance) won't hear whats going on, never returns phone calls till past 1 in the morning, has been caught before and my loving mother still keeps him but has learned through ALL THESE YEARS to stay silent and not think or act upon her thought of 'what if' and THEREFORE their children have to see this, they notice, they're not stupid, they hurt because of the hurt that their mother goes through.

 

Would you be willing to hurt your children emotionally because you're sticking with a guy who -eventhough you're not even married yet to but engaged nonetheless- will not learn from his lessons and continue his infedility in the presence of his children?

 

If you think its hurting you just think how it will hurt your children or anyone who wants to see you embrace life and be happy. It will be your fault as much as his for continuing this poisonous relationship. Break away or you will live a terrible life.

[kourtney01]

SEE IT THIS WAY:

 

I'm a daughter of a married couple whose father does the same crap your boyfriend does. He brings the phone with him to the bathroom so that his family (or in your case, his fiance) won't hear whats going on, never returns phone calls till past 1 in the morning, has been caught before and my loving mother still keeps him but has learned through ALL THESE YEARS to stay silent and not think or act upon her thought of 'what if' and THEREFORE their children have to see this, they notice, they're not stupid, they hurt because of the hurt that their mother goes through.

 

Would you be willing to hurt your children emotionally because you're sticking with a guy who -eventhough you're not even married yet to but engaged nonetheless- will not learn from his lessons and continue his infedility in the presence of his children?

 

If you think its hurting you just think how it will hurt your children or anyone who wants to see you embrace life and be happy. It will be your fault as much as his for continuing this poisonous relationship. Break away or you will live a terrible life.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. It's actually the first time I've heard anyone put it in that perspective...never thought about it that way before. It is definitely a very sad scenario...

[Woman In Blue]

Kourtney, I've seen your story a million times. You now make one million and one. And you'll more than likely do what the million before you did - "stay and work it out and go ahead with the marriage."

 

And just like the million people before you, you'll be back. Maybe here at LoveShack, maybe on another surviving infidelity message board, maybe even out at a marriage builder site. But you'll be back. Bank on it. Sure as the sun rises in the morning, you'll be back. And your story, just like the million other stories before yours, will be exactly the same. You're now married for a couple years, have a kid or two, and you've found horrible evidence that your lying cheat of a fiancee - BIG SURPRISE - became a lying, cheating husband. But now you have a toddler and you're pregnant with your second, and you've intertwined finances and perhaps own a home together. But you have no job cause you're home with the kids, no savings (but probably plenty of debt), and you're STUCK. Can't escape. A prisoner in a marriage you chose to go ahead with even though HUGE RED FLAGS continually waved in your face during your entire pre-marriage relationship with this loser. But you went ahead and married him because you still couldn't face walking away from him.

 

But you chose to ignore all the warning signs and signals, didn't you? Yes, you did. So now you're stuck in your self-imposed prison, petrified at the thought of leaving and becoming yet another single mother raising two young children, most likely living close to poverty level because it's damned expensive to raise two kids mostly on your own. So you stay out of fear, lack of finances, and the overwhelming thought of starting all over.

 

And like you're doing right now, you'll continue to cry your heart out, have nightmares, and feel like you're on the edge of your sanity every single day. But this time around with 2 kids and a house and debt and everything else, you won't HAVE the choice to simply leave - unencumbered - like you do RIGHT NOW. And JUST like the million before you, you'll also mutter those famous last words, "why didn't I run when I could have???"

 

You've been treated horrifically, disrespected to your core over and over and over and over, told to "get over it" when it was only 4 months ago that he repeatedly devastated you again and again and again, and he's manipulated you to the point that you actually belive all this chaos is YOUR fault. My hat is off to this lying snake - he's damned good at what he does. But I must admit, he's terribly cliche in bringing his phone to the bathroom and claiming it's to teach you a lesson. Truth is, he's a scumbag - always WAS, always will be.

 

So, are you going to numbe one million and one, Kourtney?

[kourtney01]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

Here is the update:

 

Prior to me posting this story..he moved in with my mother and I over the holidays. It's supposed to be temporary for only a month until he finds a new place. (he has been out of work since the summer and was waiting for a government cheque) As stated earlier, him and I have not been living together since I last broke up with him this summer for cheating on me. My mom needed the extra money too (he gave her a bit of cash) over the holidays so I have been in a tough spot because I am suffering inside until he leaves!

 

Basically, he has been acting really strange over the holidays. More than the already sketchy behavior that began a month ago. He went skiing right before new years eve and didn't even invite me to go. That day he ignored my calls all day and only called me once to say he was having fun with the guys and that we would talk later. He was basically gone the ENTIRE day (early morning to late night) which only left us to spend a few hours together prior to the New years eve party. After going to a banquet hall with his parents where we actually had a really good time (my mother didn't want to come...she has been suspicious of him and our 'secret' fights lately and didn't want any drama that night) we slept at his mom's house because we were too drunk to drive back to my place. I couldn't sleep ALL night because his phone was vibrating NON STOP till 6am and it was under his pillow so I couldn't check it. I kept telling myself it was just people wishing him a happy new year. When we woke up in the morning, he was going through his phone and decide to show me his skiing pictures. Well it was only 3 pictures of him only on the slope. I had this weird gut feeling he went with a girl so I asked him to look at the pictures again. One of them was a video so I asked him to play it. He said it was just his buddy trying to take a photo and didn't know the camera was set on "record". It was only a few seconds long but when he pressed "play" I muted the TV and heard a girl's voice saying "this isn't working..ok, smile, smile smile" to which he responded by smiling and that was it. HUGE FIGHT after. He kept denying everything and telling me that it was background noise from other people there. I played it again and I only heard ONE voice in the background and it was hers and very close to the camera. I know i'm not crazy, it didn't sound like background noise and it was too coincidental. We fought like crazy at his parents house..well it was him screaming and me talking quitely out of respect for his mother who was in the other room.

 

I asked him to pack his things and leave when we get home. Long story short..it's been a few days since then and he hasn't left. He has managed to convince my mom he needs to stay till the end of the month (she doesn't know what happened) and convince me that I'm crazy. (I don't know what to believe) Nothing has happened since until last night.

 

He went to a soccer game at 7pm and told me he had to pass by the renter's house after (he has a house he rents out because he couldn't afford his mortgage anymore) because they needed help with something. At 10:30pm I called him after not hearing from him AT ALL and he said he didn't realize the time because he was talking to his soccer buddies after the game and had to run to the renters because he was late and that he'd be home soon. At 12:45, after calling NON STOP for a half hour, he finally answers my calls and says he is standing in front of the renters door at that very moment about to knock. The soccer stadium is only minutes away from that house so I asked him if he actually wants me to believe his BS and that he would actually go there that LATE when the renter has kids and a family and a job in the morning and he said its the truth, we argued and I hung up. At 2am I called NON STOP (at least 50 times) until he finally answered at 2:40am and said he was at his mother's house and that he had already told me he'd be sleeping there since she lives right beside the renters place. And he was whispering cuz he said he didn't want to make noise.

 

What the **** he never said that! As far as I knew he was coming home after the game! I yelled, hung up, and cried all night. I forgot to mention that before he left for soccer, I opened his last suitcase because it's in the way and I really wanted to organize and clean everything.. 8 condoms fell out. We don't use condoms. We went to Amsterdam 2 years ago when we first met and he bought some novelty condoms there. He says he keeps them for souvenir. After he cheated on me, every time I went to his place I would count them to see if he had relapsed and there was always 12. Now there was only 8. He told me that he just threw them in the suitcase along with the entire contents of his bedside drawer and that there must have been only 8. I know for a fact there was 12. Not to mention that we always fight about it because I keep asking him to throw them out and he keeps saying their souvenirs...a souvenir is a T SHIRT!!! I woke up this morning and called his mom's and he actually is there...still sleeping. I don't know what time he went there however or why...didn't have the nerve to ask his mother either. I finally caved and called my mom at work and told her everything. She says that he should stay in the spare room for a few days till he figures out where to go. (his parents live far from here and he keeps saying he wants to live in the city and be close to this job he wants to get..which I don't think he will get because he hasn't even tried to do anything about it yet) I want him out TODAY he is ruining my health and I told my mother this. I cried all night and I'm questioning myself, his behavior...going everything over and over...feel like I've gone nuts. Not sure how to feel or what to do.

 

Sorry for the long update..I am so drained and have nowhere to turn to..

 

Any advice on how to proceed from here?

[FryFish]

Pack his **** for him.

[kourtney01]

Pack his **** for him.

 

 

lol...well put FryFish.

[reservoirdog1]

Here's my advice:

 

If he has a key to your mom's place, change the locks. Like, NOW. Do not let him back in. Put his stuff on the porch. Doesn't have a place to stay? His problem. Not yours. He can go couch surf with one of his soccer buddies, or one of the girls he's been banging on the side. And rest assured, that's exactly what he's been doing.

 

This guy is a classic tool. "Teaching you a lesson in privacy", my ass. A person who's cheated before and has REALLY changed their ways won't fly a bullshyt "privacy" flag, or get pissed when you check up on them. They'll accept your checking-up as necessary, and even encourage it, because they know they have to regain your trust. They'll be bending over backwards to do that. Your BF is pretty much doing the polar opposite.

 

A few maxims for you to keep in mind:

 

"The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour."

"No consequence = zero motivation for change."

"Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

 

It's been two years. Do you REALLY expect things to change with this guy? He's demonstrated time and time again that he won't change, despite his promises to do so, that he will continually do things that make you (understandably) suspicious, and that he will continue to lie to you. If you stay with him, you will spend the rest of your life being exactly where you are now: miserable, tearful, and constantly suspicious. Is that what you want?

 

If you think he's going to change THIS time, you should have your head examined. Sorry to say, but it's true. Don't tie your life to this douchebag -- he's not worth it. And you deserve far better.

[aerogurl87]

Here's my advice:

 

If he has a key to your mom's place, change the locks. Like, NOW. Do not let him back in. Put his stuff on the porch. Doesn't have a place to stay? His problem. Not yours. He can go couch surf with one of his soccer buddies, or one of the girls he's been banging on the side. And rest assured, that's exactly what he's been doing.

 

This guy is a classic tool. "Teaching you a lesson in privacy", my ass. A person who's cheated before and has REALLY changed their ways won't fly a bullshyt "privacy" flag, or get pissed when you check up on them. They'll accept your checking-up as necessary, and even encourage it, because they know they have to regain your trust. They'll be bending over backwards to do that. Your BF is pretty much doing the polar opposite.

 

A few maxims for you to keep in mind:

 

"The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour."

"No consequence = zero motivation for change."

"Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

 

It's been two years. Do you REALLY expect things to change with this guy? He's demonstrated time and time again that he won't change, despite his promises to do so, that he will continually do things that make you (understandably) suspicious, and that he will continue to lie to you. If you stay with him, you will spend the rest of your life being exactly where you are now: miserable, tearful, and constantly suspicious. Is that what you want?

 

If you think he's going to change THIS time, you should have your head examined. Sorry to say, but it's true. Don't tie your life to this douchebag -- he's not worth it. And you deserve far better.

 

I agree 100% with this post.

[PegNosePete]

I agree 100% with this post.

And I agree 100% with this one