Cheated but still in love

[kourtney01]

I am deeply in love with someone that I also feel like I hate in the same time...I can't describe it.

Basically, in a nutshell, he has put me through **** and back. He has cheated multiple times and went though a phase where I was finding a different number, a different picture in his phone...every day!!!! I finally couldn't take it anymore (don't even know how I stayed

so

long) and went away for 2 weeks. Prior to leaving I also packed my bags and moved out of his place and back at my mom's house. When I came back from vacation it's like he was a changed man. I guess it was my fault too for letting him treat me that way. When I finally stood up for myself and disappeared he realized how much he loved me and started to change. It's too bad that only 2 weeks later (on my birthday) I found out about a girl he was sleeping with (WHICH HE MET ON OUR ANNIVERSARY WEEKEND) for 5 months behind my back. Even though it had ended between them when he made me that promise, I was still soooo hurt because it was emotional cheating on top of cheating already!

 

We tried to work things out because I really did see a change in him and things got a lot better over the last 4 months since he cheated last.

 

I have to add at this point that we have been together for 2 years and while he was cheating we were engaged!!! And we also lived together and got matching tattoos!

 

About a month ago we went on vacation together and had such an amazing time that we decided to set the date for our wedding which is only 6 months away.

 

Now I find myself in a dilemma... I'

m

constantly accusing him of cheating, I have nightmares at night and I'

m

always crying as if I can't even control my emotions! It's crazy I feel like I've gone completely nuts and I'

m

destroying our relationship!

 

In the same time, I feel like he has been acting a bit shady too. For example, when he goes out with his friends he never answers my calls for hours on end and usually calls me at 3am when he gets home or the next morning and has some elaborate story why he didn't answer. (ex: was too drunk, forgot his phone in his car, etc) Then he freaks out on me for keeping tabs on him 24/7 and tells me that I'

m

not his mother. As a result, I've lost the little trust I had slowly gained back for him and now I feel like I've gone completely nuts. I hate it when he goes out because I know he won't answer his phone and we fight ALL the time. Plus, he always brings the phone in the bathroom with him (when he showers or uses the bathroom) which he did in the past but stopped doing for a while. Now he's at it again and he tells me its because I'

m

nosy and I always look through his phone and he's teaching me a lesson in privacy. It's true I do look through his phone but as his future-wife and because he cheated I feel like I have every right to!!! I don't care if he looks through mine I have nothing to hide and he has looked through it before anyway.

 

I don't know what to do.. things have started to go bad again for the last few weeks and I'

m

afraid it's all my fault this time. Am I overreacting?

I told him he should understand because of what he has put me through in the past but he says that excuse is getting

old

and I need to get over it at this point and let the past go. (it's been 4 months since all of that bad stuff happened) I don't want to push him away if nothing is going on, but at the same time I feel like the red flags are surfacing again and I can't help but be scared that history will repeat itself. I also noticed that he doesn't miss me as much as he used to...he can go out for an entire day without

so

much as giving me a call or a text. (our sex life is normal however)

 

I need some honest advice...I feel like I'

m

loosing myself crying all the time and having nightmares and I'

m

always sad... I don't know why all of a sudden I'

m

feeling worse then before. Is my gut telling me something or am I crazy?

 

Any honest advice please..

Edited December 30, 2010 by kourtney01

[Goldenspoon]

I can't believe there are women that stupid out there or they are just simply drama queens who like drama in their life. What better ways to create more drama than marrying a known cheater.

[kourtney01]

Some "constructive' advice would be nice

[hopesndreams]

I cannot possibly begin to fathom why you would consider marrying him. It is stupefying.

 

I'm hoping this is a troll.

[kourtney01]

If the troll comment was directed towards me..I'm actually a young attractive woman and this is the first time I have been in love. (it didn't start off this way obviously) So this may have something to do with it. He is actually older than me and divorced. He is also very attractive.

 

I don't think looks have much to do with the dynamics of our relationship. I've seen beautiful people get cheated on and unattractive people cheat.

[bentnotbroken]

Question? What are you actually getting out of this? Respect? Honor? Dignity? Love? Is this relationship helping you to grow to be the best you that you can be? Does this relationship bring you peace? What exactly about this male that says he is a keeper?

[hopesndreams]

I'm sure you're very attractive but looks have nothing to do with this.

 

If you are going to go ahead and marry this "man" then be prepared for more of the same behaviours, year after year and explain to your future children why their daddy disrespects their mommy. And, try to explain to them why you allow yourself to be disrespected.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I am deeply in love with someone that I also feel like I hate in the same time...I can't describe it.

Basically, in a nutshell, he has put me through **** and back. He has cheated multiple times and went though a phase where I was finding a different number, a different picture in his phone...every day!!!!

THATS CRAZY INSANE!

I finally couldn't take it anymore (don't even know how I stayed

so

long) and went away for 2 weeks. Prior to leaving I also packed my bags and moved out of his place and back at my mom's house. When I came back from vacation it's like he was a changed man. I guess it was my fault too for letting him treat me that way. When I finally stood up for myself and disappeared he realized how much he loved me and started to change. It's too bad that only 2 weeks later (on my birthday) I found out about a girl he was sleeping with (WHICH HE MET ON OUR ANNIVERSARY WEEKEND) for 5 months behind my back. Even though it had ended between them when he made me that promise, I was still soooo hurt because it was emotional cheating on top of cheating already!

 

We tried to work things out because I really did see a change in him and things got a lot better over the last 4 months since he cheated last.

 

I have to add at this point that we have been together for 2 years and while he was cheating we were engaged!!! And we also lived together and got matching tattoos!

 

About a month ago we went on vacation together and had such an amazing time that we decided to set the date for our wedding which is only 6 months away.

 

Now I find myself in a dilemma... I'

m

constantly accusing him of cheating, I have nightmares at night and I'

m

always crying as if I can't even control my emotions! It's crazy I feel like I've gone completely nuts and I'

m

destroying our relationship!

 

In the same time, I feel like he has been acting a bit shady too. For example, when he goes out with his friends he never answers my calls for hours on end and usually calls me at 3am when he gets home or the next morning and has some elaborate story why he didn't answer. (ex: was too drunk, forgot his phone in his car, etc) Then he freaks out on me for keeping tabs on him 24/7 and tells me that I'

m

not his mother. As a result, I've lost the little trust I had slowly gained back for him and now I feel like I've gone completely nuts. I hate it when he goes out because I know he won't answer his phone and we fight ALL the time. Plus, he always brings the phone in the bathroom with him (when he showers or uses the bathroom) which he did in the past but stopped doing for a while. Now he's at it again and he tells me its because I'

m

nosy and I always look through his phone and he's teaching me a lesson in privacy. It's true I do look through his phone but as his future-wife and because he cheated I feel like I have every right to!!! I don't care if he looks through mine I have nothing to hide and he has looked through it before anyway.

 

I don't know what to do.. things have started to go bad again for the last few weeks and I'

m

afraid it's all my fault this time. Am I overreacting?

I told him he should understand because of what he has put me through in the past but he says that excuse is getting

old

and I need to get over it at this point and let the past go. (it's been 4 months since all of that bad stuff happened) I don't want to push him away if nothing is going on, but at the same time I feel like the red flags are surfacing again and I can't help but be scared that history will repeat itself. I also noticed that he doesn't miss me as much as he used to...he can go out for an entire day without

so

much as giving me a call or a text. (our sex life is normal however)

 

I need some honest advice...I feel like I'

m

loosing myself crying all the time and having nightmares and I'

m

always sad... I don't know why all of a sudden I'

m

feeling worse then before. Is my gut telling me something or am I crazy?

 

Any honest advice please..

 

Your gut IS telling your going crazy because this dude is making you go crazy. My advise would be simple..save yourself now! Do NOT get married to this guy...hes going on a f*cking spree before he ties the knot with you. Going out allll night and not calling? Really? Getting married to someone like that?

I don't think I need to point out ALL the reasons you listed to back this advice up. You know you deserve way better than that don't you? Don't downgrade yourself! Just think of what your life will be like 5 years down the road ..but now you have a 2 yr old and are pregnant with your 2 child! Just SAVE yourself the misery. There are great guys out there..just gotta fish deeper!

The fact that he tells you to get over him cheating on you like its not that big of a deal speaks volumes to me. How can you ever trust a guy like that? It's sounds like he still seeing someone right now! Seriously...get someone better..your only 2 years in...consider yourself lucky if you can avoid more heartache now!

[Distant78]

This has got to be a troll. I'm just crackin up about this.

 

But if this is true, please lady, don't put yourself in a position where you'll end up more hurt than you already are.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

This has got to be a troll. I'm just crackin up about this.

 

But if this is true, please lady, don't put yourself in a position where you'll end up more hurt than you already are.

 

 

Possibly one of the Kardashian ho's...lol

[kourtney01]

This has got to be a troll. I'm just crackin up about this.

 

But if this is true, please lady, don't put yourself in a position where you'll end up more hurt than you already are.

 

No I am actually being quit honest and sincere. I really thought we were on a path to recovery or I would not have put in the hours after the rough patch we hit in the past. This is also the first time we are having problems in 4 months so I am on this forum trying to figure out if I'm overreacting or if I have every reason to be upset.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

No I am actually being quit honest and sincere. I really thought we were on a path to recovery or I would not have put in the hours after the rough patch we hit in the past. This is also the first time we are having problems in 4 months so I am on this forum trying to figure out if I'm overreacting or if I have every reason to be upset.

 

Well than...follow the advise! Get rid of him ASAP!

Fool me once shame on you...but he's fooled on you more then gawd knows how many times already! Theres just no respect for you whatsoever. If you cant respect your OWN self...who the hell will?

[Goldenspoon]

No I am actually being quit honest and sincere. I really thought we were on a path to recovery or I would not have put in the hours after the rough patch we hit in the past. This is also the first time we are having problems in 4 months so I am on this forum trying to figure out if I'm overreacting or if I have every reason to be upset.

 

You got to marry him; he has been faithful for 4 long months.

[Distant78]

No I am actually being quit honest and sincere. I really thought we were on a path to recovery or I would not have put in the hours after the rough patch we hit in the past. This is also the first time we are having problems in 4 months so I am on this forum trying to figure out if I'm overreacting or if I have every reason to be upset.

 

Of course you have every right to be upset, and it should convince you to leave him. He's a serial cheater and is probably still cheating on you.

[bentnotbroken]

Question? What are you actually getting out of this? Respect? Honor? Dignity? Love? Is this relationship helping you to grow to be the best you that you can be? Does this relationship bring you peace? What exactly about this male that says he is a keeper?

 

 

I repeat the above questions. Are you afraid to answer them or are you in capable of answering.

[ItsNeverForever]

I have one really important thing to say...once again, quoting my mother (gawd, I hate it when she infiltrates my thoughts like this! LOL):

 

Only people who have something to hide, hide things.

 

PERIOD.

 

He's defensive when you express your very valid red flag fears? Who does he think he is? Like another poster mentioned, if he really is remorseful for wronging you so horribly, if he truly cares about you, wants to make you happy and is honestly being faithful to you he would be all too glad to provide full disclosure to you, he wouldn't be dragging the phone into the john with him every time he has to make a boom-boom. And I hate to say this, but the reason he does this is NOT so you won't go thru his phone, that's his "communication cave", the lovely bathroom. How sexy of him, texting girls from the toilet. What a guy!

 

I am not trying to be mean, I'm honestly concerned for you. I've been there myself, more than once (eeek!). I hope you can see this for yourself, and know that you are NOT crazy. God gave us intuition for a reason, and there is NO reason for you not to trust yours in this case.

 

Please please please save yourself, sweetie. DO NOT marry this BOY.

[love4me2c]

You have come to depend on this man which is why you find it hard to break free. It could be just habit that he's there, love, sex whatever it is it has you and is making you not trust your own judgement and see the reality of the situation.

 

Do not marry this man. Trust everyone on here that tells you that. If you can, get some counseling or pick up some books on amazon. One that comes to mind in this scenario is Women Who Love Too Much. You deserve better. You need to get your head on straight but it is hard when you can't emotionally. You need to empower yourself to not put up with this anymore and to find someone who can fulfill your needs. Trust me, divorce is no walk in the park.

 

I wish you luck!

[RobD70]

Some "constructive' advice would be nice

Run?

 

He's a serial cheater and the fact that you apparently forgave him so easly just opened the door for more cheating.

 

Complaining/accusing a cheater just makes them resentful and won't stop them from cheating. They may even just cheat out of spite since, and I can hear it now, "You already accuse me of cheating anyway so I might as well do it".

 

He's going to cheat again (assuming he's not cheating already). If you can live with that fact then fine, if it's a deal breaker then find someone else.

[whichwayisup]

What exactly has he done to "change himself"? Done counseling? Changed his behaviour? Stopped going out all the time and coming home after midnight? Making himself available to you? From what you've said, it sounds like he's just saying he's changed, put a slight effort in but his actions show other wise.

 

DO NOT marry him, postpone the wedding until you decide if he's worth fighting for. Do counselling together, see if that helps..

 

The thing is, he's cheated on you so many times.. WHY? Did he say why?

 

Don't blame yourself, he is broken inside and for some reason has chosen to cheat and not be faithful.

[kourtney01]

What exactly has he done to "change himself"? Done counseling? Changed his behaviour? Stopped going out all the time and coming home after midnight? Making himself available to you? From what you've said, it sounds like he's just saying he's changed, put a slight effort in but his actions show other wise.

 

DO NOT marry him, postpone the wedding until you decide if he's worth fighting for. Do counselling together, see if that helps..

 

The thing is, he's cheated on you so many times.. WHY? Did he say why?

 

Don't blame yourself, he is broken inside and for some reason has chosen to cheat and not be faithful.

 

He did say why: He said that it was because we fought ALL the time and he just wasn't happy. Even though the ONLY reason we fought is because he was cheating (late nights, secret phone calls, etc) and I knew it! So obviously I started a major fight with him every time he walked out the door because I knew he wasn't coming home.

 

His behavior back then was 100 times worse than it is now. I guess maybe I compare the two scenarios and think to myself that I'm overreacting this time around. He swears up and down that he is being faithful...

 

I agree with you all..it has become toxic. I just wish I could figure out if it's me or him this time around. I must admit I did not give myself sufficient time to heal and get over what happened four months ago because I took him back only 3 weeks later...but by the same token, he hasn't done as much as I've wanted him to to help me ease that process...other than telling me he loves me all the time and spending more time with me and he goes out once a week now. But when he does he still won't answer my calls. At the beginning he did (right after I took him back) and he always checked in with me. Now it stopped.

 

Thank you all for you input!

Edited December 30, 2010 by kourtney01

[2010_Sorry]

I think you are getting great advice here. There is something drawing you to this man, and you probably are fearing the unknown.. what exactly you future would hold without him in it.

 

I would be EXTREMELY cautious marrying a man with a track record of cheating, especially when he was not accepting and understanding when I became worried of the red flags. You honestly do not want a husband that is not understanding of your feelings and fears.... he should be your very best friend, the man that listens to your most intimate feelings and respects you. I don't know that this man can give you this, what you deserve!

[kourtney01]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

Here is the update:

 

Prior to me posting this story..he moved in with my mother and I over the holidays. It's supposed to be temporary for only a month until he finds a new place. (he has been out of work since the summer and was waiting for a government cheque) As stated earlier, him and I have not been living together since I last broke up with him this summer for cheating on me. My mom needed the extra money too (he gave her a bit of cash) over the holidays so I have been in a tough spot because I am suffering inside until he leaves!

 

Basically, he has been acting really strange over the holidays. More than the already sketchy behavior that began a month ago. He went skiing right before new years eve and didn't even invite me to go. That day he ignored my calls all day and only called me once to say he was having fun with the guys and that we would talk later. He was basically gone the ENTIRE day (early morning to late night) which only left us to spend a few hours together prior to the New years eve party. After going to a banquet hall with his parents where we actually had a really good time (my mother didn't want to come...she has been suspicious of him and our 'secret' fights lately and didn't want any drama that night) we slept at his mom's house because we were too drunk to drive back to my place. I couldn't sleep ALL night because his phone was vibrating NON STOP till 6am and it was under his pillow so I couldn't check it. I kept telling myself it was just people wishing him a happy new year. When we woke up in the morning, he was going through his phone and decide to show me his skiing pictures. Well it was only 3 pictures of him only on the slope. I had this weird gut feeling he went with a girl so I asked him to look at the pictures again. One of them was a video so I asked him to play it. He said it was just his buddy trying to take a photo and didn't know the camera was set on "record". It was only a few seconds long but when he pressed "play" I muted the TV and heard a girl's voice saying "this isn't working..ok, smile, smile smile" to which he responded by smiling and that was it. HUGE FIGHT after. He kept denying everything and telling me that it was background noise from other people there. I played it again and I only heard ONE voice in the background and it was hers and very close to the camera. I know i'm not crazy, it didn't sound like background noise and it was too coincidental. We fought like crazy at his parents house..well it was him screaming and me talking quitely out of respect for his mother who was in the other room.

 

I asked him to pack his things and leave when we get home. Long story short..it's been a few days since then and he hasn't left. He has managed to convince my mom he needs to stay till the end of the month (she doesn't know what happened) and convince me that I'm crazy. (I don't know what to believe) Nothing has happened since until last night.

 

He went to a soccer game at 7pm and told me he had to pass by the renter's house after (he has a house he rents out because he couldn't afford his mortgage anymore) because they needed help with something. At 10:30pm I called him after not hearing from him AT ALL and he said he didn't realize the time because he was talking to his soccer buddies after the game and had to run to the renters because he was late and that he'd be home soon. At 12:45, after calling NON STOP for a half hour, he finally answers my calls and says he is standing in front of the renters door at that very moment about to knock. The soccer stadium is only minutes away from that house so I asked him if he actually wants me to believe his BS and that he would actually go there that LATE when the renter has kids and a family and a job in the morning and he said its the truth, we argued and I hung up. At 2am I called NON STOP (at least 50 times) until he finally answered at 2:40am and said he was at his mother's house and that he had already told me he'd be sleeping there since she lives right beside the renters place. And he was whispering cuz he said he didn't want to make noise.

 

What the **** he never said that! As far as I knew he was coming home after the game! I yelled, hung up, and cried all night. I forgot to mention that before he left for soccer, I opened his last suitcase because it's in the way and I really wanted to organize and clean everything.. 8 condoms fell out. We don't use condoms. We went to Amsterdam 2 years ago when we first met and he bought some novelty condoms there. He says he keeps them for souvenir. After he cheated on me, every time I went to his place I would count them to see if he had relapsed and there was always 12. Now there was only 8. He told me that he just threw them in the suitcase along with the entire contents of his bedside drawer and that there must have been only 8. I know for a fact there was 12. Not to mention that we always fight about it because I keep asking him to throw them out and he keeps saying their souvenirs...a souvenir is a T SHIRT!!! I woke up this morning and called his mom's and he actually is there...still sleeping. I don't know what time he went there however or why...didn't have the nerve to ask his mother either. I finally caved and called my mom at work and told her everything. She says that he should stay in the spare room for a few days till he figures out where to go. (his parents live far from here and he keeps saying he wants to live in the city and be close to this job he wants to get..which I don't think he will get because he hasn't even tried to do anything about it yet) I want him out TODAY he is ruining my health and I told my mother this. I cried all night and I'm questioning myself, his behavior...going everything over and over...feel like I've gone nuts. Not sure how to feel or what to do.

 

Sorry for the long update..I am so drained and have nowhere to turn to..

 

Any advice on how to proceed from here?

[Rose T]

I asked him to pack his things and leave when we get home. Long story short..it's been a few days since then and he hasn't left. He has managed to convince my mom he needs to stay till the end of the month (she doesn't know what happened) and convince me that I'm crazy.

 

He needs to leave today. Give him six hours to move his stuff out, after which time you will start putting his things in the street. Get your mom on side - she should back you up all the way. It's important. INSIST that he moves out and go no contact. Otherwise this drama will drag on and ruin 2011 for you as well.

[kourtney01]

I'm assuming that it's more than just drama...it's pretty obvious he's cheating at this point no?

 

Why is my mother not seeing it...she thinks he's a sneaky liar but that he isn't cheating and that I overreact as well... she is on my side but is putting me at fault too...is she right? Or is it because she doesn't know everything from the past?

[Rose T]

I'm assuming that it's more than just drama...it's pretty obvious he's cheating at this point no?

 

Why is my mother not seeing it...she thinks he's a sneaky liar but that he isn't cheating and that I overreact as well... she is on my side but is putting me at fault too...is she right? Or is it because she doesn't know everything from the past?

 

 

There's no doubt he's cheating... I'm referring to the drama that's going on in your life, which sounds like it's just getting worse. Tell your Mom you know he's a cheater and a liar and he has to go. She should be backing you up. Don't put up with it any longer and don't accommodate him - he's not worth it. The longer this goes on, the more time you are wasting. There could be a great guy out there for you and you're not meeting him because of this situation. Focus on the future Kourtney who is going to be happy with a great guy - it's not this one.