northern_sky Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 J and I were supposed to meet before he moved so we could resolve this. Here's what he wrote two weeks ago: If I may suggest, let's talk about it in person after Christmas, which will give me enough time to process everything in a productive way. Does that sound okay to you? I don't want to confine this discussion to text, but I do want to give myself a little room to consider how I feel. I'm sorry if I came off sounding harsh or reductionist myself in that first email -- I'm just a little on edge, but I wasn't trying to unfairly criticize you. Despite being somewhat put off by his dramatic reaction to a small slip of my tongue, I still wanted to stay friends. I know, I know, it's crazy. But we have so much in common and will be living in the same city eventually, and remember there's also the professional connection angle. I decided to take what he said at face value -- that he genuinely did want to meet. A couple of weeks ago I ordered a book for him he'd been wanting to read as a going away/birthday present. I thought I could at least give that to him when I said goodbye. But when I got back in touch with him a couple of days ago his response was dismissive, almost seemed like a blow off. Here's part of it: I'm going kind of nuts trying to get everything done before I leave (and still going to work, naturally), so my windows of free time are suffering from a lot of quantum effects this week...Maybe I can wedge a crowbar in there somewhere to create some overlap. My instinct was to let it go. Reading between the lines it seemed like he had no interest in staying friends. I sort of asked him if he actually wanted to meet and his response made me wonder if I was being unfair: Hey, sorry if I came off as dismissive -- I do want to see you in person to talk before I leave, but I'm also legitimately going to lose my mind in the next couple of days from sleep deprivation and scheduling anxiety. It is going to be some exciting times. How about we plan to meet Thursday night? I should have everything packed and / or burnt in the street by then. I was still going to let it drop, but instead I pussied out and tentatively arranged to meet him at a coffee shop next week, when he is fully moved out of his old place and has more free time. I am hoping to just chat for half an hour, avoid anything heavy (including what went down last time), give him the present and wish him well. Basically, I am hoping to say goodbye and end things on a good note. Is it a terrible idea? The last thing I want to do is start the new year off on a bad foot. I have already been doing well the last couple of days by sticking to my no-cyber-stalking rule. I reallllly don't want to over analyze this, but I also want to make the best choice for myself rather than just doing something impulsive either way.
Author northern_sky Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Yeah, we met up. It was really...awkward... Nothing physical happened of course. But God, you guys should have seen how awkward I was. Mostly because I was nervous as hell. Still, we had some good conversation, and he seemed to really appreciate the book I gave him. He said to me, let's stay in touch, and then added, do you want to stay in touch? I said of course I do. He said once I move to NY we will probably run into each other all the time. He also offered to help me with connections, get jobs, etc. He is really, really well-connected, so that's good. I dunno. I just feel pretty depressed right now.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 He said to me, let's stay in touch, and then added, do you want to stay in touch? I said of course I do. Why did you say of course?
Author northern_sky Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Why did you say of course? what's wrong with that?
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 what's wrong with that? I guess I'm really confused. I thought you found him to be a narcissistic, selfish arsehole. I cannot imagine why you'd want to maintain contact with someone like that. I understand at one point you tried to tell yourself he'd be a good business contact. But obviously that's not the case anymore. You still want more.
Author northern_sky Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I guess I'm really confused. I thought you found him to be a narcissistic, selfish arsehole. I cannot imagine why you'd want to maintain contact with someone like that. I understand at one point you tried to tell yourself he'd be a good business contact. But obviously that's not the case anymore. You still want more. He is narcissistic and selfish but I've decided that I still value him as a person because of his other qualities. And yes, he is still an incredibly good business contact for when I move.
OceanGirl Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 You can acknowledge someone's faults and still have feelings for them.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 You can acknowledge someone's faults and still have feelings for them. Sure. But when they only cause you pain and angst, there's no point in keeping them in your life.
Author northern_sky Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Sure. But when they only cause you pain and angst, there's no point in keeping them in your life. True, but I am hoping by the time I move to NY I will be more secure and those feelings will have faded.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 True, but I am hoping by the time I move to NY I will be more secure and those feelings will have faded. So you're taking action based on hope, not your reality. Do you think that's wise? Are there any other guys in your life who've rejected you who you've been able to maintain contact with without any negative feelings?
Author northern_sky Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 So you're taking action based on hope, not your reality. Do you think that's wise? Are there any other guys in your life who've rejected you who you've been able to maintain contact with without any negative feelings? yeah, my ex ex. After taking a period of NC, we were able to connect again as friends and I honestly have let go of those negative feelings with him.
OceanGirl Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 yeah, my ex ex. After taking a period of NC, we were able to connect again as friends and I honestly have let go of those negative feelings with him. Yep, I can vouch for this. Their relationship was long and complicated but NS has completely moved on, despite the fairly consistent contact.
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Okay, NS. If you have history with someone who was very similar to J (I didn't realize your ex-ex was also a narcissistic arse, I thought he was a genuinely good person?), and your relationship and feelings with your ex-ex was similar to your relationship with J (in that you were really hurt when he didn't want what you wanted), and, most importantly, you also plan on going through a long period of NC with J as you did with your ex-ex, then it sounds perfectly reasonable to hope to be friends someday. I'm just concerned that you'll maintain contact with J such that you're not able to heal completely...but rather will continue picking at a scab, and that obviously won't be good for you. Do you have any plans on going NC for a good period of time? As you know, I do believe exes and people who date can genuinely be friends...eventually. However, a period of NC really does have to pass. Just about 2 weeks ago, you were having quite the visceral reaction when you saw the gal he's been dating now, so my gut tells me you're in no position to pretend to be friends with him at present. Yep, I can vouch for this. Their relationship was long and complicated but NS has completely moved on, despite the fairly consistent contact. You can "vouch" for this? Interesting. Why do you think she needs vouching? And is there a reason anyone should find her statement to be more credible because you are vouching for her? This sort of post is a little bizarre, OG. You must admit that unless you're living on her shoulder, you don't know anymore than what she tells you. Just like LS doesn't know any more than she tells LS. You didn't even know about this update until today. I think it would probably be a good idea to let NS speak for herself, and build her credibility on her own. She's a big girl, she can speak for herself, and expresses herself quite well...don't you think?
Author northern_sky Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Okay, NS. If you have history with someone who was very similar to J (I didn't realize your ex-ex was also a narcissistic arse, I thought he was a genuinely good person?), and your relationship and feelings with your ex-ex was similar to your relationship with J (in that you were really hurt when he didn't want what you wanted), and, most importantly, you also plan on going through a long period of NC with J as you did with your ex-ex, then it sounds perfectly reasonable to hope to be friends someday. I'm just concerned that you'll maintain contact with J such that you're not able to heal completely...but rather will continue picking at a scab, and that obviously won't be good for you. Do you have any plans on going NC for a good period of time? As you know, I do believe exes and people who date can genuinely be friends...eventually. However, a period of NC really does have to pass. Just about 2 weeks ago, you were having quite the visceral reaction when you saw the gal he's been dating now, so my gut tells me you're in no position to pretend to be friends with him at present. I think NC/LC will be the default, since we'll be in different places. I think what we both meant when we said we'll stay in touch is that we'll connect again when I move. Maybe we'll exchange an email or two before then, but I kinda doubt we'll be talking much long distance. I can't really say how long it will take me to move on, but I think there's a fair shot that I'll be over him by the time I move to NY so I don't want to write off a potential friendship there.
OceanGirl Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Okay, NS. If you have history with someone who was very similar to J (I didn't realize your ex-ex was also a narcissistic arse, I thought he was a genuinely good person?), and your relationship and feelings with your ex-ex was similar to your relationship with J (in that you were really hurt when he didn't want what you wanted), and, most importantly, you also plan on going through a long period of NC with J as you did with your ex-ex, then it sounds perfectly reasonable to hope to be friends someday. I'm just concerned that you'll maintain contact with J such that you're not able to heal completely...but rather will continue picking at a scab, and that obviously won't be good for you. Do you have any plans on going NC for a good period of time? As you know, I do believe exes and people who date can genuinely be friends...eventually. However, a period of NC really does have to pass. Just about 2 weeks ago, you were having quite the visceral reaction when you saw the gal he's been dating now, so my gut tells me you're in no position to pretend to be friends with him at present. You can "vouch" for this? Interesting. Why do you think she needs vouching? And is there a reason anyone should find her statement to be more credible because you are vouching for her? This sort of post is a little bizarre, OG. You must admit that unless you're living on her shoulder, you don't know anymore than what she tells you. Just like LS doesn't know any more than she tells LS. You didn't even know about this update until today. I think it would probably be a good idea to let NS speak for herself, and build her credibility on her own. She's a big girl, she can speak for herself, and expresses herself quite well...don't you think? Ah I don't want to argue with you Star. I didn't know about this update until today because it happened today. She literally posted just after he left... But I agree, I should let NS speak for herself and she certainly expresses herself well and is more than capable of it. I guess I just got over-protective.
Author northern_sky Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) I am basically beating myself up right now. I feel like I ruined our relations even more tonight, because I was sooooo awkward and I put my foot in my mouth again when he explained to me why he was hurt. Then I quickly realized my mistake and apologized for being tactless. When I am nervous around a guy because I like him, I act like a total idiot. I am just feeling kind of awful that I screwed up and said goodbye on a bad note. I don't know why this left me so emotionally depleted. Blah. Edited January 8, 2011 by northern_sky
Author northern_sky Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I'll admit it. I'm kind of hurt that he didn't respond to my email. First of all, it was stupid of me to send because I try way too hard. But it was a sweet, friendly email that is was obvious some thought had been put into, and I tried to give him some solid advice. He could have responded with something. There's a lesson here to be learned. In general I try WAY too hard with people. I over-apologize, I'm too nice, I reach out too much to people who throw me crumbs. I'm terrified of offending people and when I feel that I have I can't just let it go. I have to try to damage control. That is something I definitely want to work on this year.
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