NeNinja Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 A lot of the advice here deals with using No Contact to get back/get over your ex. Tomorrow will be two weeks NC for me and I'm feeling good, strong, etc. I have a question for Homebrew or one of the other 'gurus' on these boards: How important is the NC letter/email? My ex and I broke up and went LC (maybe 6 texts in four days) before we had another talk where I accepted a lot of the blame for the issues we were having and she got upset and vented a lot of the things she had bottled up. We still parted on pretty good terms with a hug from me and a kiss on the cheek from her. She needed time to figure out if she could move on/forgive me and that I needed time to figure out what I wanted and where I wanted to be. She sent an email saying as much and when I didn't respond sent a text and when I didn't respond she called to make sure I was ok. We agreed to take the weekend and decided we would 'talk Monday.' That was a week and change ago. I didn't call. She didn't call. I honestly don't know what I would have said then...The only thing I realized over the weekend is that I was going to need more than a weekend. She must be extremely stubborn, realized the same thing, or realized that she couldn't move on with the relationship. So my question still stands: Did I make a mistake by not sending the NC email? I feel like I may have turned a 'break' into a break up by cutting her out of my life suddenly and completely. She is very stubborn but also VERY easily upset. How important is that initial NC email?
homebrew Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 A lot of the advice here deals with using No Contact to get back/get over your ex. Tomorrow will be two weeks NC for me and I'm feeling good, strong, etc. I have a question for Homebrew or one of the other 'gurus' on these boards: How important is the NC letter/email? My ex and I broke up and went LC (maybe 6 texts in four days) before we had another talk where I accepted a lot of the blame for the issues we were having and she got upset and vented a lot of the things she had bottled up. We still parted on pretty good terms with a hug from me and a kiss on the cheek from her. She needed time to figure out if she could move on/forgive me and that I needed time to figure out what I wanted and where I wanted to be. She sent an email saying as much and when I didn't respond sent a text and when I didn't respond she called to make sure I was ok. We agreed to take the weekend and decided we would 'talk Monday.' That was a week and change ago. I didn't call. She didn't call. I honestly don't know what I would have said then...The only thing I realized over the weekend is that I was going to need more than a weekend. She must be extremely stubborn, realized the same thing, or realized that she couldn't move on with the relationship. So my question still stands: Did I make a mistake by not sending the NC email? I feel like I may have turned a 'break' into a break up by cutting her out of my life suddenly and completely. She is very stubborn but also VERY easily upset. How important is that initial NC email? Me Personally... I would wait till next time you hear from EX. If the EX doesn't come right out and tell you they want to get back together with you... I would send an email letting them know that you are unable / unwilling to be their friend / communicate.... Blah! Blah! Blah! Me and any number of other people can help with the letter or review it. If you think about it... You are in NC at the moment... So if you send a letter... This how it will come across... Hey X... I really mean it... I am serious about this NC thing... Just in case you didn't already know.... So unless you watch it... I am not going to communicate with you.... Got that? I really mean it this time... Going forward... You will not hear from me again until you want me back.... Alrighty, then... No Contact Starts Now.... I miss you... Now NC starts... This sucks... Why are you making me be in NC with you.... Answer me! Does this help any?
AbsoluteSucker Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 A lot depends on what you want and if you don't know then you shouldn't say anything for the time being. An email just leads to more contact and puts the ball in her court or "gives her the power" to respond or not respond, which isn't necessarily a good thing for you. At the moment it seems like you're on pretty even ground with her and if one of you has something important to say then you'll work up the courage to contact that other person and express those feelings. The NC email is not a deal breaker in my opinion; a break is a breakup essentially and you're taking the break to figure things out, the sooner you begin the NC with her, the sooner both of you will realize whether something is there or not. Sending the email is only going to set back that process two more weeks.
Karma20 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I've never sent a no contact letter and exes came back to me. If an ex sent me a no contact letter, I would never contact him again.
homebrew Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 (edited) I haven't used them for every EX... Just the Dumpers or Dumpees that didn't leave me alone. No Contact / Not Responding to texts, emails, etc. after a break up... It's kinda goes without saying... Wouldn't you think? A lot of people use NC letters to... 1. Get "closure".... 2. Instruct the EX that you are open to a relationship and what steps the EX needs to take to make sure that you know they are serious... this time! 3. Let the EX know that you are still open to trying again... 4. Try to "threaten" No Contact into scaring the EX into taking them back. 5. Many others but you get the picture. If you send a NC letter... than you better stick to it... Otherwise you come off looking like a Chump / Pushover! Edited December 29, 2010 by homebrew
GreenPolicy Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I've never sent a no contact letter and exes came back to me. If an ex sent me a no contact letter, I would never contact him again. I sent my ex a letter two weeks after the b/u. She dumped me. I told her I respected her decision, but that my preference was to try and work things out in couples counseling since I felt what we had was worth trying to save. I didn't tell her I was going NC, but I did say that if her preference was to go it alone and not try and work things out, then we couldn't stay friends or stay in touch. It is unhealthy in the extreme for a dumpee to try and stay friends with somebody you're in love with and doesn't want you. NC is not a gimmick to get your ex back. I sent the letter because I wanted her to know how I felt and put counseling on the table. I don't regret it. If you want to work things out, then you should try, and if they aren't willing, then you do NC in order to heal.
homebrew Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I sent my ex a letter two weeks after the b/u. She dumped me. I told her I respected her decision, but that my preference was to try and work things out in couples counseling since I felt what we had was worth trying to save. I didn't tell her I was going NC, but I did say that if her preference was to go it alone and not try and work things out, then we couldn't stay friends or stay in touch. It is unhealthy in the extreme for a dumpee to try and stay friends with somebody you're in love with and doesn't want you. NC is not a gimmick to get your ex back. I sent the letter because I wanted her to know how I felt and put counseling on the table. I don't regret it. If you want to work things out, then you should try, and if they aren't willing, then you do NC in order to heal. Green... I read your letter and it was the best POST BREAK UP letter that I have ever seen! Should I find myself dumped again... I am so STEALING IT! You have a special talent and gift my friend... Go write for girly magazines and make a fortune! Your letter was VERY, VERY well received by your EX.
Karma20 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I sent my ex a letter two weeks after the b/u. She dumped me. I told her I respected her decision, but that my preference was to try and work things out in couples counseling since I felt what we had was worth trying to save. I didn't tell her I was going NC, but I did say that if her preference was to go it alone and not try and work things out, then we couldn't stay friends or stay in touch. It is unhealthy in the extreme for a dumpee to try and stay friends with somebody you're in love with and doesn't want you. NC is not a gimmick to get your ex back. I sent the letter because I wanted her to know how I felt and put counseling on the table. I don't regret it. If you want to work things out, then you should try, and if they aren't willing, then you do NC in order to heal. I never went NC to get an ex back I did it because I dumped and didn't want to talk to them. Even though NC shouldn't be used as a tool to get your ex back it is however the most effective tool to help them miss you.
SDA Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Green... I read your letter and it was the best POST BREAK UP letter that I have ever seen! Should I find myself dumped again... I am so STEALING IT! You have a special talent and gift my friend... Go write for girly magazines and make a fortune! Your letter was VERY, VERY well received by your EX. Where is this letter
homebrew Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Oops... Green... I have a feeling... That isn't the last time you are going to hear that thanks to my big mouth! My bad!
LifeIsGreat Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I sent my ex a letter two weeks after the b/u. She dumped me. I told her I respected her decision, but that my preference was to try and work things out in couples counseling since I felt what we had was worth trying to save. I didn't tell her I was going NC, but I did say that if her preference was to go it alone and not try and work things out, then we couldn't stay friends or stay in touch. It is unhealthy in the extreme for a dumpee to try and stay friends with somebody you're in love with and doesn't want you. NC is not a gimmick to get your ex back. I sent the letter because I wanted her to know how I felt and put counseling on the table. I don't regret it. If you want to work things out, then you should try, and if they aren't willing, then you do NC in order to heal. That's exactly the way I have done it!!! Great job. Now you know what to do...... just let it go!!!
Chi townD Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Sorry, but here comes the sting. Taking a "break" is just a sugar coated way of saying "Breaking up". I agree with most on here. Remain NC, if she contacts you about your relationship and wants to work on you guys, well then, that's your decision. But, if she just wants to contact you and talk about nothing important, then I would do the NC deal.
Movingthrough Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I see both sides of this to be honest. With me i went LC, then planned on the next time i heard from her i was going to end it and go NC. So when i heard from her i said in two lines that i cant do this like this anymore and i want someone that wants me just as much. She went on about how i want what i want and cant wait etc etc. I responded on impulse (which i shouldnt have) and basically asked a small question, cant even remember exactly what it was. She didnt answer and while it took a while i knew then and there that was it - it was time for NC. But i also knew in a few days i would hear from her, so i sat on it for a night and did what i had to do for ME which was write something. I wrote a small email basically saying this is not how i want things, but i wish you luck basically. To be honest i go back and forth on it sometimes because know that the "right" thing to do would be nothing and she probably would have came crawling back when i didnt answer the emails... BUT i felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and while sometimes i feel like i let her "off" too easy, i was completely mature, did not mention contact...i just said this is not how i want things, was true to myself and sent it. She has texted me one time since for like a holiday greeting in 3 weeks. I did not respond. Personally i think you have to do what will make you happy but you have to be mature and you have to know that you will not break NC after it. I feel like you could do the dumbest crap in the world when it comes to a breakup, but if you stick to NC you kind of redeem yourself...
fiat500 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Karma, if you were the one who was let go, how long did it take for an ex to want to reconcile? ahha. I sound so desperate.
Author NeNinja Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 ChiTown, I know that regardless of what was said, the relationship is done. But after all of my issues are resolved I would like to give myself the best possible chance at reconciliation (if that's what I end up wanting.) I'm trying not to burn any bridges or leave a bad taste in this girls mouth. Homebrew, I wasn't planning on sending that kind of email. I just wasn't sure what the importance or significance of the final 'I'm going NC' email was.
homebrew Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 If it makes you feel better... I would let her know what you are doing. I still would wait till you hear from her first, otherwise... your email will come across like you are just saying No Contact because you are mad at her since you haven't heard from her. Make sense?
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