Too Much Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 For those who aren't familiar with my story, been married 10 yrs, 2 kids (Minors). W had an EA with old high school bf after not seeing one another for over 20 years. Has shown no remorse sense caught about the EA. Been in NC for the past 3 months, talking only about the kids and when necessary for business. During this time, W has been drkinking 4-5 cans of beer every night. She also has been getting hooked on astrology websites, printing out pages upon pages of forecasts and other astrology topics. Yesterday, discovered she also purchased a 500 page book on astrology. All the while, I've been contemplating ending our marriage because there seems to be no hope (attempts at communicating have failed to date, as we only argue.) I'm at a point where I''m not sure if we can work out our problems. Frankly, the astrology thing freaks me out and the drinking worries me that there will only be problems if we reconcile:(. Contemplating filing soon, but can't get myself to "pull the trigger" because of our 2 kids. How did you reach the point where you knew enough is enough?
YellowShark Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 1) An EA is as bad as a PA. That she shows no remorse tells you everything you need to know. Reg flag. 2) Drinking 4-5 cans of beer every night means she is becoming - (or has become) - an alcoholic. Another red flag. 3) Astrology. WTF? Astrology is one of the oldest scams known to mankind. That your wife believes this crap and is now making life-changing decisions from it is yet another red flag. Sounds like your wife is heading down a path that you cannot follow her down Too Much. You have to make a choice as to what is best for you and your children. Best of luck. BTW... Regarding "Astrology" A) There are no actual constellations in space, they are connect-the-dot patterns that were made up by the ancient Greeks and Babylonians. (Who by the way thought the Earth was flat and the universe revolved around the Earth. ) B) The planets and constellations do not have any effect on earthy events. NONE, ZERO, NADA. The sun's gravity and electromagnetic signature completely wipes out any gravitational or electromagnetic effect the planets may cause here on Earth. C) There is real harm in astrology. It weakens people's ability to rationally look at the world.
Author Too Much Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 1) An EA is as bad as a PA. That she shows no remorse tells you everything you need to know. Reg flag. 2) Drinking 4-5 cans of beer every night means she is becoming - (or has become) - an alcoholic. Another red flag. 3) Astrology. WTF? Astrology is one of the oldest scams known to mankind. That your wife believes this crap and is now making life-changing decisions from it is yet another red flag. Sounds like your wife is heading down a path that you cannot follow her down Too Much. You have to make a choice as to what is best for you and your children. Best of luck. BTW... Regarding "Astrology" A) There are no actual constellations in space, they are connect-the-dot patterns that were made up by the ancient Greeks and Babylonians. (Who by the way thought the Earth was flat and the universe revolved around the Earth. ) B) The planets and constellations do not have any effect on earthy events. NONE, ZERO, NADA. The sun's gravity and electromagnetic signature completely wipes out any gravitational or electromagnetic effect the planets may cause here on Earth. C) There is real harm in astrology. It weakens people's ability to rationally look at the world. Thanks, Yellowshark. Your post is enlightening. The astorlogy thing worries me. On the one hand, I could see W passing this off as no big deal. Nancy Reagan did it, right? But when I look at it, it just seems like its crazy thinking. This is NOT the womoan I thought I married 10 yrs ago. Friend of mine says she is doing this to escape her problems by looking for some certainty in her future. I get freaked out about it but keep wondering if it's just me. Keep wondering if astrology is a sign the person has serious mental issues.
YellowShark Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Thanks, Yellowshark. Your post is enlightening. The astorlogy thing worries me. On the one hand, I could see W passing this off as no big deal. Nancy Reagan did it, right? But when I look at it, it just seems like its crazy thinking. If your wife is deciding her future on Astrology then it is crazy thinking. Astrology is for entertainment purposes only, it's no more than wishful thinking. This is NOT the womoan I thought I married 10 yrs ago. Friend of mine says she is doing this to escape her problems by looking for some certainty in her future. I get freaked out about it but keep wondering if it's just me. Keep wondering if astrology is a sign the person has serious mental issues. Well the EA without remorse and the drinking 4-5 cans of beer a night by herself worries me more than the astrology. People who suffer from mental disorders do change in their behaviour patterns, they self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, and they can cheat without remorse. Since your wife is not the woman you married 10 years ago and doing all three, perhaps she should have an evaluation to see if she's ok. I would encourage her to see a doctor. All is not lost, but it's going to take some work to figure out what is going on with your marriage. And it shall take both of you to do that. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 During this time, W has been drkinking 4-5 cans of beer every night. I'd be more concerned with her drinking than choice of reading material. How is she around the kids? Protect them, as they don't need to be exposed to a drunk mother. Keep a diary/log of everything that has happened and is happening that way if need be, you can get full custody.
trippi1432 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 For those who aren't familiar with my story, been married 10 yrs, 2 kids (Minors). W had an EA with old high school bf after not seeing one another for over 20 years. Has shown no remorse sense caught about the EA. Been in NC for the past 3 months, talking only about the kids and when necessary for business. During this time, W has been drkinking 4-5 cans of beer every night. She also has been getting hooked on astrology websites, printing out pages upon pages of forecasts and other astrology topics. Yesterday, discovered she also purchased a 500 page book on astrology. All the while, I've been contemplating ending our marriage because there seems to be no hope (attempts at communicating have failed to date, as we only argue.) I'm at a point where I''m not sure if we can work out our problems. Frankly, the astrology thing freaks me out and the drinking worries me that there will only be problems if we reconcile:(. Contemplating filing soon, but can't get myself to "pull the trigger" because of our 2 kids. How did you reach the point where you knew enough is enough? From the movie The Mexican..."NEVER". Going to ask you an honest question Too Much....do you love her or do you want to find a reason to get "off the fence"? You didn't listen to her when she was reaching out to you to understand her...she is looking for faith in something because you have cut her off. She wants you and needs you in her life but pride is getting in both your ways. I know by now you hate me following your threads, but you have it within both of you to work this out. When someone takes from us emotionally..it hurts...I know..but the further you push her away..the more likely she is to have a physical affair...are you willing to say you did nothing to let that happen? I only hope that you have followed the advice and links provided to you to stop that.
delajoonal Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 TooMuch... in my experience...my xh had an EA on fb...after 15 yrs of marriage.. and he left me for her...before the PA began... as for the drinking and astrology... she is just lost in her thoughts, her life, she has just lost who SHE is? she is searching for something to give her hope and happiness in her future... the alcohol is numbing her everyday mundane life... the astrology is giving her some kine of (false) hope towards the future.. it's almost, a regression, if u will?...reading her sign, what her EA's sign is if they are compatible in Love..what will the next day bring... it's ALL Romantic, in her eyes... she is NOT crazy, but might have a drinking problem on the rise and a possible MLC? good luck to u ... please, keep posting and reading...it will get better... P.S. and for my dear Trippi...who could ever not like u darlin'...u r an amazing, kind and loving soul and i for one, have cherished every word u have written, from you heart no less, here on LS... thank you sweetie...
Author Too Much Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 From the movie The Mexican..."NEVER". Going to ask you an honest question Too Much....do you love her or do you want to find a reason to get "off the fence"? I do still love her. If there were any way to save my marriage, I would be all for it. Problem is...I don't know if she loves me. I can't understand how one can have an EA if he or she TRULY loved their spouse. You didn't listen to her when she was reaching out to you to understand her...she is looking for faith in something because you have cut her off. She wants you and needs you in her life but pride is getting in both your ways. I'm not sure I quite understand this. What did she do to reach out to me? She was the one who wrote in her diary she has come to the conclusion to divorce me. How is this reaching out? I know by now you hate me following your threads, but you have it within both of you to work this out. When someone takes from us emotionally..it hurts...I know..but the further you push her away..the more likely she is to have a physical affair...are you willing to say you did nothing to let that happen? I only hope that you have followed the advice and links provided to you to stop that. Believe me, Trippi, I don't hate you at all. To the contrary, I'm grateful you would take the time to respond to my threads. You really are kind enough to do so. Believe me when I say I am really trying to understand what you are saying, but I'm not quite sure I'm "getting it". Forgive me if I'm a little slow. The overall message on LS I'm hearing is that once someone has cheated on you, you ought to move on because he or she will do it again. I don't want to go through it again, once is enough. However, I definitely want to try to salvage my marriage if there were a way to do so. I just can't go on living like this in NC mode for much longer. Something has to give. What's strange is that according to my W, she has not communicated any of her feelings to the OM. Now, I can't say I really trust her since they've communicated on several occasions by phone and email. But, if you take her for her word, OM never knew her feelings existed. W does admit to having those feelings, which were quite strong. Would this still amount to an EA? As one LS member noted, if OM were single and lived closer, it is very likely those feelings would have resulted in a PA. In other words, it was simply a lack of opportunity preventing it from escalating into something more. This bothers me. Because she's so defensive, it is REALLY difficult to communicate with her because it just turns into a finger pointing affair, which gets us nowhere. Yet, it is important to me that there be some remorse shown or else we can't get past this. So far, none.
Author Too Much Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 TooMuch... in my experience...my xh had an EA on fb...after 15 yrs of marriage.. and he left me for her...before the PA began... as for the drinking and astrology... she is just lost in her thoughts, her life, she has just lost who SHE is? she is searching for something to give her hope and happiness in her future... the alcohol is numbing her everyday mundane life... Is this the case or she simply addicted? the astrology is giving her some kine of (false) hope towards the future.. it's almost, a regression, if u will?...reading her sign, what her EA's sign is if they are compatible in Love..what will the next day bring... it's ALL Romantic, in her eyes... Yes, that is a concern, that she may be thinking of OM. she is NOT crazy, but might have a drinking problem on the rise and a possible MLC? good luck to u ... please, keep posting and reading...it will get better... P.S. and for my dear Trippi...who could ever not like u darlin'...u r an amazing, kind and loving soul and i for one, have cherished every word u have written, from you heart no less, here on LS... thank you sweetie... Thanks, Dela. These past several days have NOT been good to me and I've been struggling. Like the song says, should I stay or should I go?
trippi1432 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I understand that it's frustrating Too Much, I do...there's no communication going on and you are both still under the same roof..any resolution will be hard to come by this way. Who decided to go NC with each other...did she just stop talking to you or did you take that advice from the forums here? You know, the fact that someone said that if the guy she was talking to lived in the same town she probably would have had a PA...maybe, maybe not....honestly, she could be doing that now if she wanted to by the definition that you say she is not remorseful for just having feelings and not acting on them. You do know that not everyone has the opportunity you have with a cheating spouse...in most cases, the cheater leaves immediately or already has someone lined up. In your case, she is still in the home..she's not communicating with him (he doesn't even know that she had those feelings, heck, he may even be appalled at the idea)....a classic Marriage Builders scenario to give you an opportunity to work on the marriage if you want to. It would be great if you could check out the website at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033e_qa.html. Actually, that will take you directly to a letter on what to do with an unfaithful wife. Not sure if you noticed the links I left in other posts to you, but it's against forum rules to post copyrighted material, so you are going to have to help me out here TM and click on that link above...okay? All the questions you are asking here, your personal situation...those answers can be found in doing a little reading on that site. Should you stay or should you go, if you don't want to be with her anymore and can never forgive that she had romantic thoughts about someone else...well, you can't live like that. But if that is what happens, one could justify that her actions caused your reaction. On the other hand, in her mind, she may be seeing it that same way as well....that typically equals stalemate until someone lets down the defenses to really get to the heart of the matter. I will tell you this from my own personal experience, my ex and I were both hot-headed...he did many things to make me feel unloved and in that I know that I did many things to make him feel that way too. Words and the opinions of those we love do affect us....and when there are more withdrawals (anger, verbal sparring, missed dinners, disrespect, lack of loyalty, arguments and harboring) than there are deposits (caring, affection, spending quality time together, appreciation, understanding, mutual respect) on the heart, it can make for an unhappy environment. That's going to make any negotiation or discussion hard. I hope the site helps to answer some of the questions you have been asking...I know reading here helps too, but only you know what your true situation is and how you can work from it.
trippi1432 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 P.S. and for my dear Trippi...who could ever not like u darlin'...u r an amazing, kind and loving soul and i for one, have cherished every word u have written, from you heart no less, here on LS... thank you sweetie... Aww, thanks Dela...you are a sweetheart. :love: I hope things are getting better for you.... Huge Hugs!! Trippi
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