Thinking of moving away for a fresh start?

[flowergirl77]

So here is the newest development...I need advice. Does this seem like a good idea to be considering right now?

 

We are looking into moving out of town, to a place where I can get the education I want to have (not available where we live, small town), and I have always wanted to live by the ocean...scary step, but I feel like all there is here are memories. I drive by my old workplace, see the OM car, or wonder if today is the day I will run into him somewhere, or I have friends from my old workplace who mention him-there are triggers everywhere.

 

I don't want to run away, but I also feel a fresh start may be what we need to really move on.

 

The positives: Looking at where I want to be with my education/work situation, I can not pursue that here in my hometown..so my HB is willing to move to help make that happen for me.

We would be closer to relatives from his side, and he would have more work opportunities there as well.We are both excited about the idea.

It is a much more beautiful place, and I love the ocean!

A fresh start, free of triggers of A and OM (for us both).

 

My fears: I am really scared about moving away from my friends, as they are a huge support to me, and I need a supportive social network.My Mom and Dad and brother are here, and I would not see them much at all. My son will have to leave his Dad and grandparents from his Dads side. Kids would all have to change schools and make new friends. (I know I would meet new people, but just the same, I have lived in my hometown for 20+ years)

We both have been talking about moving for years, but it never seemed like the right time. It feels more like the right time right now, but at the same time, I don't want to do it and regret it. Or if things don't work out for us, I will need my friends near me. I would not want to be isolated in a new town should we not stay together.

 

Things between my HB and I are going OK, but not great (mostly due to my disconnection from him) I do worry about my low level of attraction and lack of affection for him. That has not returned, and I hope with time it will if we keep spending positive time together. I am 35 day NC, but still think of OM everyday.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Is this a good idea given what we are going through...

[ladydesigner]

I think this is a great idea if you are both on board about the move. Any problems you currently have with your H will still be there and will still need to worked out, but I'm sure you know that already. As far as the attraction thing, yes it does take time to get that back once you are disconnected. I am 2+ years out of my affair and my attraction/affection for my H has returned, it took a while though. My H has made sweeping changes as well, if he had not we would not be married anymore I would have wanted to divorce.

 

Does your family help out a lot with your kids? That would be the only thing that would concern me. Maybe you could find a good babysitter in the new town to help out. Not sure how old your kids are.

 

Moving is a great distraction, but also stressful, just to keep in mind. Good luck to you. You sound like you are doing great!

[flowergirl77]

I think this is a great idea if you are both on board about the move. Any problems you currently have with your H will still be there and will still need to worked out, but I'm sure you know that already. As far as the attraction thing, yes it does take time to get that back once you are disconnected. I am 2+ years out of my affair and my attraction/affection for my H has returned, it took a while though. My H has made sweeping changes as well, if he had not we would not be married anymore I would have wanted to divorce.

 

Does your family help out a lot with your kids? That would be the only thing that would concern me. Maybe you could find a good babysitter in the new town to help out. Not sure how old your kids are.

 

Moving is a great distraction, but also stressful, just to keep in mind. Good luck to you. You sound like you are doing great!

 

 

Actually, my family helps out zero with the kids...I am not really close with them, and hardly ever see my brother. So that is another factor. I am more worried about leaving my friends!

My HB has family there that would help out on occasion, and my son is 13 and looks after them for an hour or two on occasion as well.

 

Yes I know about moving stress-we just moved into this house last September! But this move would be moving toward something new and different-more positives we hope.

 

What did you do with your lack of attraction to you HB? Most of the time I could care less about sex, touching or anything at all. This is not new b/c of my A..it has been an ongoing issue for many years. Likely it is an issue of my past I have to work through, but it has an affect on our MG b/c H wants to be "close" and I don't....or very rarely do anyways.

[ladydesigner]

Actually, my family helps out zero with the kids...I am not really close with them, and hardly ever see my brother. So that is another factor. I am more worried about leaving my friends!

My HB has family there that would help out on occasion, and my son is 13 and looks after them for an hour or two on occasion as well.

 

Yes I know about moving stress-we just moved into this house last September! But this move would be moving toward something new and different-more positives we hope.

 

What did you do with your lack of attraction to you HB? Most of the time I could care less about sex, touching or anything at all. This is not new b/c of my A..it has been an ongoing issue for many years. Likely it is an issue of my past I have to work through, but it has an affect on our MG b/c H wants to be "close" and I don't....or very rarely do anyways.

 

Most of the time after the A, I faked it till I made it. I know that is not what most BS's want to hear, but it is what I did. I wanted my M to work. The lack of affection and attention was an ongoing issue for us as well, I believe it is what contributed to my H's A's. I had a revenge affair and ended up falling for my XAP. More intimate time without sex helped a lot. Being pressured to have sex is always a turnoff for me so my H has since not been pressuring and I have been wanting more. It seems the more we spend time together the more connected I am to him. More talks, date nights, and him contributing to the marriage more has helped a lot, especially in co-parenting. We communicate better.

 

Distancing your thoughts of the OM have to happen first. It wasn't until I completely didn't care at all about my XAP that I was able to have feelings and affection for my H again.

[siuys]

flowergirl, i can't remember you entire story but moving away can be a really good way to make a fresh start. i have done it before, and so have some of my friends. a close friend moved away from her hometown (small town) into a big city and never looked back. she was not married at the time but was in a bad R with an MM. she knew he was never going to leave, and she had limited opportunities where she was so she decided to move. she has since been in the new city for 5 years, met a couple of lovely guys and has become this amazingly independent and grown woman.

 

whether or not your M will work out is still to be seen. i guess you have to first get over xMM in order to put full effort into your M, i don't know as i have not been there. whether it will survive or not I still think moving away can be a great thing - new people, new opportunities, new outlook... it can do you a world of good.

[anne1707]

I can understand the idea of moving but think long and hard about this. Whilst there are many reminders of the OM where you live now, there is also familiarity and stability in other areas. To move will mean everything is off balance for you and your husband and that may be too much for you both. I am not saying don't move, just think very carefully about what you both need at this time. It may be worth letting things settle a bit more first and move later on when you both feel a bit more certain with your future together.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Flowergirl,

 

I have now twice in my life moved and thought it would solve my problems. It did not. I didn't learn that lesson the first time, or the second time. I found all moving did was create a bunch of things to do and think about that detracted from the real issues. I left my "hometown" and spent the whole time at the new place wanting to move back. And when I did, guess what? The problems were still there. So please think hard about this...maybe make a deadline for a decision in late spring, which will give you time to think it through, plus then you could move over the summer and your kids can start a new school at the new year.

 

Also, I am a WS. My H and I had huge issues in the physical department, and was part of the reason I pursued an A. I questioned my attraction for him, before and after the A. Then one of his requirements for reconciliation was to solve the physical problem. One we've had for, maybe, over 13 years? I started reading on it, taking small steps, then I actually attending group therapy on this subject, a group of women who all struggled with little interest in sex. It was SO helpful. I wish I'd done it years ago.

 

Basically, how it worked, my H and I just kept doing it. At first it was frustrating, I'm not going to lie. But then it got better. And better! And working on this aspect of our relationship has brought is closer in the other parts as well. We are still far from being reconciled, but I do think our relationship is stronger than it was. And dealing with the physical stuff definitely helped with that.

 

Hope this helps...

[Snowflower]

Great advice on this thread!

 

As a fBS, all I wanted to do was move away from the area where we lived when my H had an affair and the OW didn't even live there! I wanted to get away from the painful memories and get a fresh start. So, I think I understand what you are saying and maybe how your H is feeling.

 

It took some time before my H and I were able to make the move though and I'm glad now. I think it worked out for the best. If we had moved shortly after we reconciled, I think it would have made it that much more confusing. Even though I'm glad to be away from the area where all that happened, I still find myself homesick at times!

 

In your case, I think waiting a little bit might be good for you and your H. Moving is stressful and you and your H will probably miss your old hometown, which will add to the emotional turmoil that you are both feeling.

 

There is a lot to consider when you make a big move and no matter what, if you do move, there will likely be a few misgivings on your part and your husband's and for your children.

 

Good luck!

[flowergirl77]

Thanks for the advice guys. I agree with both opinions: to wait it out a bit, and to go for it. I look at it as a fresh start. And I get more excited when I think about it than scared. Before when we would discuss moving away (we have been for years but it never seemed like the right time) I would freak out about the idea. Now I am excited about the idea, more than freaked out.

I will get to do the schooling I want to do I can not do here. We will have more family there that would be supportive and would take the kids for us.

There is beautiful places to hike, the ocean, and so many lovely beaches to go in a short distance...I think the benefits would outweigh the negatives at this point. Financially it would put us in a much better position as well.

I can see waiting a few more months to make a firm decision may be a good idea. I believe if this is mean to be, if we take steps to move toward the change, it will all fall into place as it is meant to....one day at a time.

[fooled once]

So here is the newest development...I need advice. Does this seem like a good idea to be considering right now?

 

We are looking into moving out of town, to a place where I can get the education I want to have (not available where we live, small town), and I have always wanted to live by the ocean...scary step, but I feel like all there is here are memories. I drive by my old workplace, see the OM car, or wonder if today is the day I will run into him somewhere, or I have friends from my old workplace who mention him-there are triggers everywhere.

 

I don't want to run away, but I also feel a fresh start may be what we need to really move on.

 

The positives: Looking at where I want to be with my education/work situation, I can not pursue that here in my hometown..so my HB is willing to move to help make that happen for me.

We would be closer to relatives from his side, and he would have more work opportunities there as well.We are both excited about the idea.

It is a much more beautiful place, and I love the ocean!

A fresh start, free of triggers of A and OM (for us both).

 

My fears: I am really scared about moving away from my friends, as they are a huge support to me, and I need a supportive social network.My Mom and Dad and brother are here, and I would not see them much at all. My son will have to leave his Dad and grandparents from his Dads side. Kids would all have to change schools and make new friends. (I know I would meet new people, but just the same, I have lived in my hometown for 20+ years)

We both have been talking about moving for years, but it never seemed like the right time. It feels more like the right time right now, but at the same time, I don't want to do it and regret it. Or if things don't work out for us, I will need my friends near me. I would not want to be isolated in a new town should we not stay together.

 

Things between my HB and I are going OK, but not great (mostly due to my disconnection from him) I do worry about my low level of attraction and lack of affection for him. That has not returned, and I hope with time it will if we keep spending positive time together. I am 35 day NC, but still think of OM everyday.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Is this a good idea given what we are going through...

 

I am someone who embraces change. I think change is great for growth. I think too many times people stay where comfortable (job, relationship, town, etc). I think sometimes staying put can be more damaging than moving. I mean heck, you can always move back if it doesn't work!

 

I think this is a great idea if you are both on board about the move. Any problems you currently have with your H will still be there and will still need to worked out, but I'm sure you know that already. As far as the attraction thing, yes it does take time to get that back once you are disconnected. I am 2+ years out of my affair and my attraction/affection for my H has returned, it took a while though. My H has made sweeping changes as well, if he had not we would not be married anymore I would have wanted to divorce.

 

Does your family help out a lot with your kids? That would be the only thing that would concern me. Maybe you could find a good babysitter in the new town to help out. Not sure how old your kids are.

 

Moving is a great distraction, but also stressful, just to keep in mind. Good luck to you. You sound like you are doing great!

 

Great post LD!

[Heather1]

Sounds like a no brainer....totally exciting!! What better way to try & reconnect with something you both look forward to?? I love it! I loved growing up on a beach!!

 

There's always skype & your friends can visit your cool location. I getcha on the attraction thing. IDK, maybe you'll see him in a new light when you're excited & focusing on the same goals?? & yeah, it'll erase the OM PDQ

 

Sounds great!!

[Spark1111]

If you are both on board and both excited, than it is really something to consider.

 

But I want to add this as something to think about: The rule of thumb after any traumatic event, and I would definitely include an affair as trauma, is to wait one year.....

 

If you both still feel that way in one year....go for it.

 

But a lot of high emotion and the need for change and maybe to distance yourself from the OM (all understandable) is running rampant right now.

 

I do not want to discourage you in any way. I'm just saying NOW may not be the best time to make a life altering decision.

[East7]

..............

I don't want to run away, but I also feel a fresh start may be what we need to really move on.

.................

 

Honestly I don't think that changing your environment will impact your feelings : forgetting OM/ reconnecting with H.

 

From my life experience, people want to travel or change their environment after a trauma or a heartbreak but it is not a magic solution.

And here is my idea on this : We carry our emotions within us, no matter where we go or where we live, they are always in our mind. Traveling or changing environment doesn't really make us forget. We want to escape from our bad memories but in reality we are merely escaping from our own-selves/our inner emotions.

If you want a fresh start, you have to begin a new relationship! Success in reconnecting depends on 2 persons ability to ban the past and consider anything new with changing your habits. It is a tough work but it is not impossible.

I suggest that you consider IC/MC and of course if you and H are exited about moving, go for it but don't expect it to be a magic stick in resolving your relationship problems.

[flowergirl77]

I agree that part of me wants to escape the memory triggers, and this town definitely has those. I feel like it is now or never...if we wait a year I will get resettled here and change my mind. I think we are both on the same page about wanting to do this move for the right reasons..and there are many positives for us if we make this move.

I will have to make sure he knows IC and MC are essential to continue, we actually have not been doing MC because I have been so indecisive about weather I even wanted this MG anymore. I had zero interest in `working through things. Our move in a sense will be my willingness to start over-in a new place with different possibilities.

 

On another note:

 

I do find I am all over the place, and the last few days I have been thinking of contacting OM to tell him we are moving away!! Not a good plan I know, i am wondering why he is back in my head again!

I don`t understand why I can`t forget about him...I confided in HB about this lastnight and he always says he doesn`t get how I can still have feelings for him bc he is 15yrs older than I, and he thinks he is unattractive...so then I get defensive and defend OM..it`s nuts really. I know it has only been a little over a month of NC, and some days are better than others-but I miss him!

[pureinheart]

You have a good arguement for both sides (moving/not moving). My advice is tainted...I won't move again, as I have lived in this town all of my life and when I did try to relocate (twice) they were both literal disasters.

 

Personally, I would not be able to do it...

[pureinheart]

Honestly I don't think that changing your environment will impact your feelings : forgetting OM/ reconnecting with H.

 

From my life experience, people want to travel or change their environment after a trauma or a heartbreak but it is not a magic solution.

And here is my idea on this : We carry our emotions within us, no matter where we go or where we live, they are always in our mind. Traveling or changing environment doesn't really make us forget. We want to escape from our bad memories but in reality we are merely escaping from our own-selves/our inner emotions.

If you want a fresh start, you have to begin a new relationship! Success in reconnecting depends on 2 persons ability to ban the past and consider anything new with changing your habits. It is a tough work but it is not impossible.

I suggest that you consider IC/MC and of course if you and H are exited about moving, go for it but don't expect it to be a magic stick in resolving your relationship problems.

 

 

Hi East,

 

I agree with you...we can change the geography, although take everything with us...my agreement is very biased...you have some excellent points that would definitely appeal to a person like me:D