kiwi29f Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Its been years since I've been on this site but I'm going through alot right now and figured I'd post my problem and see if I can get some help. I've been married for 8 1/2 years, we've been together for 10 years and only about 3 of those years were happy. We have 2 beautiful kids together that are my life, they keep me sane when all I want to do is break down. My H is verbally and emotionally abusive, altho he doesn't see it that way. He is an alcoholic, addicted to weed and has an obsession with disc golf. (yes thats an actual sport) He works and for the most part is a good provider other than all the money he spends on his addictions. I also work full time and while 95% of my paycheck goes to bills and household/kids needs only about 50% of his goes to those same needs, the rest is spent on his addictions. During golf season (april-oct) hes only home a few hours a week and only sees the kids about2-4 hours a week but bitches at me bc I put them to bed at 8pm so he "can't" see them. He plays tournaments jan-dec which cost anywhere from $25-100 each tournament. I've gotten use to the fact of him not being home and it actually is a relief to me when he's not home bc I can then relax, however its not ok to be away from the kids. What am I suppose to say when our 7yr asks me why daddy likes to play golf instead of coming home. He has cheated on me twice, kicked him out both times but was stupid enough to let him come back which I now regret 100%. But I felt like I needed to give him another chance for the kids. Neither one of us are happy in the marriage and we are never intimate anymore bc I can't stand for him to touch me. I'm only 28yrs old and I feel trapped. I want out but I can't seem to get up enough "balls" to tell him. I feel so guilty bc I'm afraid he won't make it on his own bc he has absolutely so sense of money, I'm afraid he'll hop from friends house to friends house. I feel guilty bc the kids love their dad. Everytime we get in a fight it comes to the tip of my tongue but I always swallow it and can't get it out. As crazy as it sounds I WANT him to cheat on me again as long as I find out about it so I will actually leave him for good. I almost feel like thats the only way I can get up the courage to do it. Why am I so weak?
2010_Sorry Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Kiwi, Don't beat yourself up for taking him back after his infidelity... you did it to save your marriage and your family... two very honorable things. You cannot change the decisions of the past, so lets fold that up and forget about it, okay? Don't confuse your fear of the "unknown" as weakness. Everyone, especially ones that have been in long term relationships, fears what life will be like without their significant other. You need to tell him how you feel. You need to be honest with him, even if he is not being honest with you. Based on what you have said about him, you will be a better person without him. You do not deserve the emotional and verbal abuse, you deserve a man that wants to make love to you... a man that wants to come home to you for comfort from a tough day at work. Do not feel guilty for feeling this way. You children are most likely feeling the tension, and you have said that your 7 year old is asking very pointed questions. They are smarter than we all give them credit for! They will still see their dad... and believe it or not, maybe a separation/divorce will cause him to spend more QUALITY time with his children on his visitation days. Hang in there sweetie and realize that you are strong!
Author kiwi29f Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Kiwi, Don't beat yourself up for taking him back after his infidelity... you did it to save your marriage and your family... two very honorable things. You cannot change the decisions of the past, so lets fold that up and forget about it, okay? Don't confuse your fear of the "unknown" as weakness. Everyone, especially ones that have been in long term relationships, fears what life will be like without their significant other. You need to tell him how you feel. You need to be honest with him, even if he is not being honest with you. Based on what you have said about him, you will be a better person without him. You do not deserve the emotional and verbal abuse, you deserve a man that wants to make love to you... a man that wants to come home to you for comfort from a tough day at work. Do not feel guilty for feeling this way. You children are most likely feeling the tension, and you have said that your 7 year old is asking very pointed questions. They are smarter than we all give them credit for! They will still see their dad... and believe it or not, maybe a separation/divorce will cause him to spend more QUALITY time with his children on his visitation days. Hang in there sweetie and realize that you are strong! Thank you for the encouragement, it just sucks this is so hard, wish it would be easier to end things. I've talked to him til I'm blue in the face and things will be fine for a few weeks and they start over. I know i need to do this and I will, i just hope Im able to do it soon. :-)
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