LifeIsGreat Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 My GF (now ex, insecurity being one of the reasons) told me she had never been insecure with any other men--- just me. BTW- we weren't young, around 45. Both been married before and LTR's before. I don't truly believe I gave her reason to be. I treated her well, didn't look at other women, had no interest in other women, and told her I loved her all the time. IMHO, you are either insecure or not. Am I wrong about this? Is it true that maybe she was only insecure with me, even though she could never vocalize a reason? I would really like to know for next time.
Yer_Blues Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Whatever the cause, and I wouldn't dare speculate from the small amount of info you give about her, insecurity is never due to somebody else. I cannot make you feel insecure, for example. It's not possible. Just like offending somebody is not possible. Taking offense, on the other hand, is.
paddington bear Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 the more I like someone/love someone, the more insecure I get. Put them up on a pedestal and worry that I'm not good enough for them. Perhaps this is the case? And not anything you have done or said?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I only really felt insecure in one relationship. He overtly checked out other women all the time (and I mean undressed them with his eyes), he was blunt and made tactless, teasing comments about me without hesitation, and I just got the feeling that he would never see any woman as the one and only for him. With the guys who were more loving and consistent, I felt secure.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 Interesting, thanks! Have to say though, I NEVER did any of those things with my GF.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Interesting, thanks! Have to say though, I NEVER did any of those things with my GF. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. I'm just saying that for me, when I felt threatened, it was because of his specific behavior -- or, at least, his behavior exacerbated feelings of insecurity that were already there deep down. I don't agree that a person's behavior has no influence on how secure a person feels. But you can't always put your finger on what causes you to feel uncomfortable.
carhill Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Do/did her actions match her words? How? IMO, this kind of information is good to understand for future relationships. Why is really an unknown, IMO. It's as unique as the psychology of each person. In the scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. There's very little to nothing one can do to change another's intrinsic psychology. One either accepts it or not. We each can change ourselves for ourselves. Interaction with another can mark a signpost for change or facilitate change but change occurs within and for ourselves. If I had to hazard a *guess*, I'd say fear, whether substantiated or irrational, is one potential 'why'.
Enchanted Girl Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I don't think she's lying, you're just misunderstanding her. From my experience, different people bring out different aspects of a person in a relationship. My current relationship has brought more of my carefree and sarcastic side, while my ex brought out my serious and vulnerable side. All those things ARE me, but they're just enhanced and emphasized in these relationships, if that makes sense. That could be the case here as well.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 It could be that you were so wonderful she saw you as "the one", and she was so scared of losing someone so wonderful that she couldn't deal.
mo mo Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 It could be that you were so wonderful she saw you as "the one", and she was so scared of losing someone so wonderful that she couldn't deal. DOes this really happen with women??????
mo mo Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I don't think she's lying, you're just misunderstanding her. From my experience, different people bring out different aspects of a person in a relationship. My current relationship has brought more of my carefree and sarcastic side, while my ex brought out my serious and vulnerable side. All those things ARE me, but they're just enhanced and emphasized in these relationships, if that makes sense. That could be the case here as well. Interesting. Let me ask you this: if a guy is waaaaaay smarter than his gf, does that make her feel uncomfortable? Like say, he got all A's in college and she barely got through high school. Would that be a source of insecurity?
Author LifeIsGreat Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 It could be that you were so wonderful she saw you as "the one", and she was so scared of losing someone so wonderful that she couldn't deal. Ha Ha!! Hence her dumping me Over the years I have tried to learn something from everything. I have to say I was 'all I could be' in this last one. Personally, I think my 'good enough' was excellent. Frankly (not tooting my horn) I don't think she had been with someone like me before. Financially secure (semi-retired at 45), charming, witty, smart, fun, interesting, blah blah blah. Since I'm not typically her type of guy (when it comes to looks), I think she may even have suprised that she fell for me. Also, it is VERY difficult for her to fall in love. I passed all her 'tests' (and excersised much patience with her), and she fell in love. One of her 'issues' was feeling like she would always be dumped (based on past experience). I really appreciate all the input from the ladies. Thanks!
Author LifeIsGreat Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 It could be that you were so wonderful she saw you as "the one", and she was so scared of losing someone so wonderful that she couldn't deal. Hey RubySlippers. I'm from earth too!!! What a small world
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 DOes this really happen with women?????? I think both men and women who are very afraid of getting hurt can sabotage their relationships in some kind of twisted defensive maneuver. Of course, they're not really protecting themselves from pain. There is NO protection from the normal pain of life. We all have to deal with getting hurt sometimes. But people can act in really irrational ways to try to avoid it.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Hey RubySlippers. I'm from earth too!!! What a small world Hello, Earthling. Welcome to LoveShack.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 Hello, Earthling. Welcome to LoveShack. Well, let me be more specific. NOW I'm live on Earth, but I'm originally from Pluto. I moved when they decided it wasn't a planet. So although I'm not a native, I really appreciate living here.
mo mo Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I think both men and women who are very afraid of getting hurt can sabotage their relationships in some kind of twisted defensive maneuver. Of course, they're not really protecting themselves from pain. There is NO protection from the normal pain of life. We all have to deal with getting hurt sometimes. But people can act in really irrational ways to try to avoid it. ok so let's say a woman thinks a guy is really great but she feels that she doesn't really match up to him because he may be smarter, more financially stable, etc. Does she try to escape because she's afraid of getting hurt later on? Also.. are your thoughts on this based on experience? Research?
Madgick1 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I think someone can make someone else insecure. It's a learned response. Let a spouse get caught cheating and lying repeatedly, his/her partner is going to start feeling secure. Have a partner tell you just once, you suck in bed, and watch security flee. When we have a relationship, we hand over parts of our well being to others, we make ourselves vulnerable. And the other can hurt us. However, since the woman in question here sounds as though she was insecure from the beginning without provocation, it's likely something within her. Also life events can make people insecure, such as aging...a woman who wasn't insecure at 25 because she based a lot of her self esteem on her looks, might be insecure at 45 when she gets wrinkly. But without provocation or a history with a particular man, I wouldn't think a woman would be insecure with this guy but secure with another one. Unless it was a case like a PP said, the more involved (vulnerable) she gets in a relationship, the more insecure.
Author LifeIsGreat Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 Good stuff! Thanks for the input. Very interesting.
catgotyourtongue Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Yes I know many people who sabatoge something good, and run in fear. Only place of comfort is discomfort, and when you meet someone who could actually be great, loving, the one, or a great one, it's too scary because that rational thing, is actually really irrational and scary to you, the other person, whomever is living it. It happens, a lot. DOes this really happen with women??????
catgotyourtongue Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Hi good post, from OP. Sorry for the breakup, and your situation, and awesome that you came here to feel it out, see what others think. It helps us all when people are willing to post like this. We come to the table with our history, wounds and expectations. If she has been hurt, mistreated, cheated on, etc, so may just not be able to trust, regardless of how wonderful YOU are. Some people (women and men) are insecure no matter what, and can't really shake it. If people told her she was unworthy, etc, it may linger for a lifetime, or years. Some are scared of something good and healthy, some don't feel deserving, and some are used to the old things they are used to, and adjusting to this new life, feeling, even if it's good and healthy, can be difficult. I used to turn away good guys all the time, when I was younger, as I did not feel worthy...it took me a long time to appreciate a good guy. AND my insecurities came way before dating, i felt "less than and insecure" based on my parents, and family, and how they treated me. So I learned to be insecure before dating made me insecure, and that never really goes away...in some people. I have had dated very good men, who never cheated and were crazy about me, and I was still jealous, insecure, etc etc blah blah. It is a sucky way to live, believe me, and sucky for the guy. It could be vicer versa, lots of insecure men out there too. Also lots of us have been f*d with many times, or at least one badly enough to scar us. While we may want to move on, and not feel insecure, jealous, and work hard on NOT feeling that, sometimes its just such a learned pattern, action its hard to not be, even if the guy is amazing. Trust is the hardest thing for some, for me, for many. It often is exactly that, about the person themselves, not you. Then again I know many men whom I would not date because I know I would feel insecure with them based on how they are...staring at other women, hiding phones, avoiding simple questions, players, etc. It sounds like in this case, you were merely the recipient of her past, not the cause of her issues with trust. I am glad you posted, it is a good topic and i am so sorry for your pain and the breakup. ((hugs))
homebrew Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Sounds to me like she has some unresolved issues from her past... More or less, you were paying for the crime committed by others!
mo mo Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Hi good post, from OP. Sorry for the breakup, and your situation, and awesome that you came here to feel it out, see what others think. It helps us all when people are willing to post like this. We come to the table with our history, wounds and expectations. If she has been hurt, mistreated, cheated on, etc, so may just not be able to trust, regardless of how wonderful YOU are. Some people (women and men) are insecure no matter what, and can't really shake it. If people told her she was unworthy, etc, it may linger for a lifetime, or years. Some are scared of something good and healthy, some don't feel deserving, and some are used to the old things they are used to, and adjusting to this new life, feeling, even if it's good and healthy, can be difficult. I used to turn away good guys all the time, when I was younger, as I did not feel worthy...it took me a long time to appreciate a good guy. AND my insecurities came way before dating, i felt "less than and insecure" based on my parents, and family, and how they treated me. So I learned to be insecure before dating made me insecure, and that never really goes away...in some people. I have had dated very good men, who never cheated and were crazy about me, and I was still jealous, insecure, etc etc blah blah. It is a sucky way to live, believe me, and sucky for the guy. It could be vicer versa, lots of insecure men out there too. Also lots of us have been f*d with many times, or at least one badly enough to scar us. While we may want to move on, and not feel insecure, jealous, and work hard on NOT feeling that, sometimes its just such a learned pattern, action its hard to not be, even if the guy is amazing. Trust is the hardest thing for some, for me, for many. It often is exactly that, about the person themselves, not you. Then again I know many men whom I would not date because I know I would feel insecure with them based on how they are...staring at other women, hiding phones, avoiding simple questions, players, etc. It sounds like in this case, you were merely the recipient of her past, not the cause of her issues with trust. I am glad you posted, it is a good topic and i am so sorry for your pain and the breakup. ((hugs)) Wow crazy. The reason I have been asking those questions is because I have been in similar situations before, and I really could not understand that the girls I was dating really felt like they were undeserving, even though I liked them a lot. It's really weird for me to think that way, but it helps put things in perspective.
NoLongerSad Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 It sounds to me like using "I don't feel secure with you" and then breaking up means it was just an excuse because she wanted to break up with you for some other reason, most likely, some other guy she was seeing or who was waiting in the wings. Any time a woman tells you something as an explanation for behavior which just doesn't add up, it means she's not being truthful with you. Even if you'd been involved with her for several years, you wouldn't necessarily know all of her secrets. If the issue was just her being insecure, that's a conclusion YOU would have been able to draw from your observations of her behavior; but it's not really something that a person would tell someone else about themselves, other than to use as an excuse for a breakup. "It's not you, it's me." Get it? Telling you that you make her feel "insecure" is a relatively innocuous way of putting the blame for her wanting to break up with you, on you, rather than her taking responsibility for it.
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