nocoast Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I've been lurking and reading for some time now. Here's my sob story. Any advice would be great, I'm freaking out here. (FYI, I'm 28, she's 29) We dated for 3 years. I've never been so loved by another person, she truly loved me. Early on she made her intentions clear that she was ready to be married and start a family. The whole time we were dating I wanted those things too but they still seemed a little further down the road for me. Most of my friends were not married and I still liked to pal around with the boys ( motorcycles, bars, trips, etc). With her constant reminders of "settling down", it just made me want to hang on to my "younger days" more. In June she when to Jamaica, I was supposed to go but didn't cause I used the money I was saving for the trip to build a motorcycle. This was the last straw for her. When she got back we sat down and talked and decided to break up. I was fine with it. She wanted to "date" each other while we dated other people. It was like the perfect situation for me. I got to spend all summer running around with the boys, drinking up a storm, going on dates, and when I needed love or sex I could always go by her house. I knew she was dating others too and I was perfectly fine with that. So from June till Thanksgiving this was the norm for us. Right before Thanksgiving, we get into a fight about something stupid. I tell her to "leave me alone, don't bother contacting me anymore". She does and it blows my mind. I start scrambling, calling, texting, emailing, everything I shouldn't do. I just needed to talk to her. I call her mom the day after Thanksgiving and she is as cold as ice, she tells me its over between her and her daughter. I break down. Now I intensify my quest to talk to her. After much badgering she agrees to come over and have a sit down talk. We talk I tell her how I feel. That I'm sorry for the things I've done and taking her for granted. That I want her back. That I've seen the errors of my ways. She tells me she still loves me BUT she can't come back right now, she needs to figure things out for herself. I tell her that I'll respect that wish and give her what she needs right now. A few days afterwards I go NC. I use the energy I was wasting on trying to get her back and focus on A) healing myself B) repairing faults that I believe I have. I buy self help books, talk to friends, write in my journal, etc. So its been 3 weeks of NC and she has sent me 1 email and on Christmas a text wishing me a Merry Christmas and that she still loves me ( I don't reply to either). I'm freaking out. I want her back so bad. I feel like such a fool taking someone so special for granted and thinking they loved me so much they would never leave. The things I've been doing make me feel like I'm healing myself but I still yearn for her, more so everyday. At this point all I ask from her is a chance, a chance for me to show her that I've seen her side of things, that I understand my mistakes, and that I'm making the steps to make myself a better person for MYSELF and for her. Any words of encouragement would help this guy out.
ginastar Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 the begining of ur post sounds like me and my ex , except he decided to move on with some other chick i guess cause he didnt wanna settle down or maybe he didnt wanna settle down with me
Breakupguy12 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 The first step is getting an honest answer from her regarding whether or not she's willing to put in the effort to get back together and make things work. It's obvious that you want her back, but it doesn't sound like you're clear on whether she wants you back. Not to mention she's been seeing other guys as well, so her situation may be a bit complex, as it's likely she has feelings for one if not more of these other guys as well. If the answer is no, continue with the NC, and allow yourself to heal. It's really that simple.
NeNinja Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 It sounds like our relationships have a lot in common. My ex was younger than I am, but much more interested in a serious committed adult relationship. I did things my way and didn't always treat her the best because I honestly did not think there was anyway she was that unhappy or that she would leave. We ended up taking a break. I went NC for four days. We talked about our relationship and she got really upset and let out all the things she had been bottling up. We agreed we needed a break and that she needed time to figure out if she could move on/forgive me and that I needed time to figure out what I wanted and where I wanted to be. We took the weekend and decided we would 'talk Monday.' That was a week and change ago. I didn't call. She didn't call. I honestly don't know what I would have said then...The only thing I realized over the weekend is that I was going to need more than a weekend. She must be extremely stubborn, realized the same thing, or realized that she couldn't move on with the relationship. The key is working on yourself. Go No Contact. Figure out what you want and how to get it. Figure out how to fix the problems that ended your relationship in the first place. Maybe she'll come back, but if she doesn't you'll still be in a good place, on the right track, and ready for the next one! That's how I look at it...
Author nocoast Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 It sounds like our relationships have a lot in common. My ex was younger than I am, but much more interested in a serious committed adult relationship. I did things my way and didn't always treat her the best because I honestly did not think there was anyway she was that unhappy or that she would leave. We ended up taking a break. I went NC for four days. We talked about our relationship and she got really upset and let out all the things she had been bottling up. We agreed we needed a break and that she needed time to figure out if she could move on/forgive me and that I needed time to figure out what I wanted and where I wanted to be. We took the weekend and decided we would 'talk Monday.' That was a week and change ago. I didn't call. She didn't call. I honestly don't know what I would have said then...The only thing I realized over the weekend is that I was going to need more than a weekend. She must be extremely stubborn, realized the same thing, or realized that she couldn't move on with the relationship. The key is working on yourself. Go No Contact. Figure out what you want and how to get it. Figure out how to fix the problems that ended your relationship in the first place. Maybe she'll come back, but if she doesn't you'll still be in a good place, on the right track, and ready for the next one! That's how I look at it... Thanks Ninja, I just read your story as you were reading mine. I see some similarites. Let me know how things work out for you. I plan on keeping NC. It kills me sometimes but I'll keep on trudging on. Thanks for the notes.
sad&lonely Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 The first part of the story was good, you sounded like a confident guy. Then the second half of your story you do a complete 180. People don't realize that begging, calling, explaining is not going to change her mind, Her interest level has dropped, and the more you try to get her back the worse it gets. The way to get her back if its going to happen is for you to go out there and hustle new phone numbers from girls, make dates have fun.. even if your sad inside fake it till you make it. I been there and i am talking from experience. When my gf broke up with me i cried for long time eventually I vanished and started dating 2 girls, somehow she found out this and she was begging me to take her back 2 months later go figure, but i never did i believe in one chance per girl per lifetime, Your going to take a girl back after she has been dating other guys and sleeping around??? whats going on man? you gotta be tough to make it, no more mushy feelings, all that stuff needs to be kept private because it will not raise her interest level towards you. Good luck man
NeNinja Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 (edited) I'm coping. After talking to her the second time I realized that the issues we had were A LOT more serious than I had ever imagined (I didn't cheat but I 'cheated.' I refused to make any of the commitments she had been asking and as I saw it then nagging me about even though she had my and our best interests in mind, etc.) So I'm giving her plenty of time and space to forgive, forget, and heal because I know that it is going to take a lot of time and effort for me to resolve them in my own life. I've always been a bit of a loner but I'm forcing myself to go out and enjoy what life has to offer and, honestly, I'm enjoying it. I forgot how much fun it is to have fun. I've set a couple things in motion that will look good to her if/when she hears about them, but more importantly they are things that will benefit ME and MY LIFE with or without her in it. I'm not working on getting her back. I'm working on developing a Win-Win situation where I'm either awesome with her or awesome without her. Edited December 30, 2010 by NeNinja
vandelay Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 i believe in one chance per girl per lifetime You sound like a busy guy!
vandelay Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I'm working on developing a Win-Win situation where I'm either awesome with her or awesome without her. I love this.
Breakupguy12 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 I'm coping. After talking to her the second time I realized that the issues we had were A LOT more serious than I had ever imagined (I didn't cheat but I 'cheated.' I refused to make any of the commitments she had been asking and as I saw it then nagging me about even though she had my and our best interests in mind, etc.) So I'm giving her plenty of time and space to forgive, forget, and heal because I know that it is going to take a lot of time and effort for me to resolve them in my own life. I've always been a bit of a loner but I'm forcing myself to go out and enjoy what life has to offer and, honestly, I'm enjoying it. I forgot how much fun it is to have fun. I've set a couple things in motion that will look good to her if/when she hears about them, but more importantly they are things that will benefit ME and MY LIFE with or without her in it. I'm not working on getting her back. I'm working on developing a Win-Win situation where I'm either awesome with her or awesome without her. That's great to hear. Even more, while you're treating yourself, you're setting the bar as subconsciously for yourself as far as how well your next mate should treat you. If you can't find anyone that can treat you as well as you treat yourself or better, what's the use? In the midst of a bad relationship, we tend to sacrifice parts of who we really are to try to make the relationship work as well. Time alone will help you find those pieces of yourself that you may have forgotten about.
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