newpriorities Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 It seem to me that some MM (or I suppose MW) lack the cojones to actually end it and instead undertake passive/aggressive behavior that takes the OW down a road that severely damages her self esteem until she somehow finds the strength to end it. From my own experience and from reading others' stories here, it seems that so many of us here just lose ourselves, fall to the ground in utter humiliation before we find the strength to get up, gather our dignity and leave. I don't think my xMM did this intentionally, but effectively he did. Any thoughts?
Spark1111 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Yes, conflict avoidance is extremely passive aggressive,IMHO. The same MM who never had the cojones to tell his spouse how miserable he was in the marriage (wonder why?) is the same guy who throws you under the bus at the very worst on DDAY. At the very least, he doesn't clearly communicate that it is over. See why there is so many BSs claiming they had know idea? They didn't. The way they avoided you, or did not clearly communicate the end with you, is exactly the same man who was not communicating clearly with his wife. It is not intentional. In is a character trait learned at a very young age, unfortunately.
donnamaybe Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 The way they avoided you, or did not clearly communicate the end with you, is exactly the same man who was not communicating clearly with his wife.I was going to post this very thing, but when I saw you had already posted I just KNEW I was going to find you'd already posted my thoughts!
Author newpriorities Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 Thanks Spark, I have always found your posts so insightful. If only I had noticed his red flags earlier. He once told me that he "ended" the most significant relationship he had before getting M by just not returning the gf's calls or letters. He simply dropped off the face of the Earth. Years later later, he brother ran into the former gf on the street and she ripped him a new one! My xMM said, "Can you believe that after all this time she's still upset?" And you know what? I do get it. And this is exactly what's true about his W. The way he talks about her is with such utter disrespect and the tone he uses w/her on the phone, is horrible. He once told me that she begged him for better communication. Stupidly, I thought that he was in a bad situation and "deserved" compassion. In reality, his BS is the one who deserves all the compassion in the world and I am just so sorry for my role in this mess--she didn't deserve this. I would tell her except that they have a child and I really don't want to screw up his life.
East7 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 It seem to me that some MM (or I suppose MW) lack the cojones to actually end it and instead undertake passive/aggressive behavior that takes the OW down a road that severely damages her self esteem until she somehow finds the strength to end it. From my own experience and from reading others' stories here, it seems that so many of us here just lose ourselves, fall to the ground in utter humiliation before we find the strength to get up, gather our dignity and leave. I don't think my xMM did this intentionally, but effectively he did. Any thoughts? Affairs are always humiliating unless one gets detached from addiction and feelings. People do crazy things for the "sake of love" until they realize how much compromises they have made for crumbs of love. When nothing changes it is time to move on..An OW has to decide for her own life not shape her life around MM.
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