Men Don't Need Women Friends, True or False?

[ConflictedGuy27]

I don't care if you think I am some Neanderthal...

 

I remember leaning toward consistently off topic douche, not neanderthal.

meh, whatev.

 

and you should not care if I think you are a girly man because you need the approval of your lady friends to feel good about yourself because you didn't get enough lap time with your mommy.

 

see, you're a little confused again... I seek the approval of my lady friends that I've given enough lap time to. I do admit it makes me feel good about myself; but that's more because I aim to please -- it's my curse.

 

I'm sure of what is best for me! You are the one that is conflicted...

 

nice reference to my screen name, mate. that's Grade A, short-bus wit, right there... a few more zings like that and I just might get my feelings hurt.

[counterman]

I can only speak for myself, so here's my 2 cents worth. I do not need women as friends but I don't mind having friends in general, women or female. In this case, when I say "friend" I mean someone I can hang out with, not necessarily someone I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with.

 

I have had friends in the past who have betrayed me and, because of my experience, I have higher expectations of what a true friend is. Most of my friends now are just friends that I do enjoying hanging out with. As for someone I can be completely open with, I do not think I have such a friend yet.

 

From my experience, the girls that did make an effort to be my friend were interested in more and, in all cases, I wasn't interested in more. I did keep within the boundaries of the friendship, though. All of those friendships faded away to the point we don't even speak anymore. So, I haven't had any close female friends since.

 

When I was in a relationship, I didn't have any girl friends but I have never had that many girl friends. My girlfriend was my best friend. However, in hindsight, I would have continued to socialise with other girls, as I think that would have been healthier. I think what really got to me when I was in my last relationship was when my girlfriend's guy friends kept trying to push the boundaries of their friendship and she didn't do anything about it. Despite that, I think it is okay to have friendships with the opposite sex even if you are in a relationship, just as long as boundaries are clear and, if these boundaries are crossed, consequences follow.

 

There are some guys that do befriend girls in the hope of forming something more, relationship or sex. There are girls that do that too. I do not like the idea of that.

 

I would not purposely go out of my friend to befriend girls or guys for that matter. If it's friendship, it has to be mutual. Only when I looking dating, I will approach a girl and so on.

 

As for hanging out, I prefer to hang out with my guy friends because we have a lot more in common in terms of interests and activities we like.

[january2010]

Funny...

 

You go into the break up and divorce forum here on LS (A small sample of people out there)... How many of those break ups / divorces are due to relationships with their EX?

 

WAY MORE THAN 50%

 

I wonder how he would have felt had it been you with all the friends that were your EXes... I'm guessing not to happy!

 

He wasn't happy that I was still tied to the LTR-ex (financial ties) and that I still mentioned the guy in conversation, albeit in a very matter-of-fact way. So, he was a bit of a hypocrite.

[homebrew]

He wasn't happy that I was still tied to the LTR-ex (financial ties) and that I still mentioned the guy in conversation, albeit in a very matter-of-fact way. So, he was a bit of a hypocrite.

 

Why does that not surprise me...

 

After your experience... Would you date (that you are interested in marrying) a guy that had tons of girlfriends and would you date (that you are interested in marrying) a guy that was friends with many of his Exes?

[january2010]

Why does that not surprise me...

 

After your experience... Would you date (that you are interested in marrying) a guy that had tons of girlfriends and would you date (that you are interested in marrying) a guy that was friends with many of his Exes?

 

Given my experience, it's a potential dealbreaker but you know, I really can't say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't.

[homebrew]

Considering what you went through... I think that is a VERY positive attitude and a mature way to approach it.

[january2010]

^^^ Yes, I'm trying on the 'grownup' suit to see how it fits.

[zengirl]

FTR, I wanted to add: I don't think anyone "needs" opposite gender friends, or actually any friends, but I do think, like all friends, they can be helpful, supportive, and useful. "Needs" is, of course, a strange word.

 

Assuming you get married... Do you think your spouse is going to be happy that you have female friends that you confide in?

 

If I get to the point where I'm marrying someone, I don't want them confiding in anyone before me anymore. Actually, my BF and I have been seriously seeing each other for six months, and I'd say we're at that point. If he confided in a male friend about something important he hadn't yet told me, I'd be just as upset as if he told a female friend.

 

And, actually, one of the ways I weed out jerks is to see a guy's friends. If he doesn't have a healthy mix -- and gender is part of this -- of friends, it gets noted. Most of the good guys I've dated have had strong female peer relationships, whether they be good friends or sisters, and strong male peer relationships. The idea isn't to trade one for the other. One of the things I really liked about my BF early on was that he had straight male, gay male, straight female, and gay female friends, and it demonstrated to me that he was open-minded and viewed people irregardless of gender and sexuality. So, yes, some people might like it, is my point.

 

I think if this is how a man sees women, he is going to have a really hard time forming a great romantic relationship. He's assuming women are these aliens with nothing in common, but people aren't that divided by gender.

 

Also, I wonder if some of these thoughts come from only knowing women as possible dates. Expectations are a lot higher for a boyfriend/girlfriend then they are for a friend. For example, my bff (female) isn't a hugger while I am. Normally, I hug friends but since it isn't something she's fond of, I don't. It isn't a big deal because we're just friends, but I wouldn't be able to date someone like that because I am more affectionate by nature. There are a lot of things that don't really bother me with friends that would be a deal breaker with a significant other like having really different goals or really different interests when it comes to what to do over the weekend.

 

I think this is true. I think that a lot of times the opposite sex friend role can be filled by a relative- a sibling or cousin you are super close with and hang out with regularly outside of family events. Those relationships have nothing to do with sex.

 

I think advice from an opposite sex friend can be incredibly helpful. Look at the "My boyfriend gave me the same flowers as his mom for Christmas!" thread. A lot of guys are obsessively defending it, but a lot of women immediately see why both flowers and the same gift as his mom could be disappointing. I doubt that guy asked a woman for gift giving advice, but if he had she likely would have steered him another way, avoiding disappointment.

 

Some women and men just give crappy advice, but most of this "don't listen to women" stuff seems to mostly come from guys who are trying the whole pick up artist thing. Most women are going to give you advice that would help you form a relationship with an interested woman, obviously if you want to have random casual sex with low self esteem having women it isn't going to be useful. But the problem there isn't the women giving advice, it is the guy not making it clear that he isn't looking for love.

 

Excellent post. It's funny, there are men I get along with easily, women I get along with easily, men I don't understand, and women I don't understand. I never understand the "alien gender line" thing. I know there are some things that women are more likely to feel, get, or think because of our gender socialization --- i.e. the flower thing you mention, though there are men in that thread who get the issue as well --- and things that men are more likely to feel, get, or think because of their socialization. But this idea that all men are more alien to me than all women just isn't what I've experienced, nor does that say I don't "get" women. People are individuals and way more complex than their gender.

 

So let's play a game... You and I are married right... It's date night tonight...

 

Now one of my best friends calls me and tells me to come over because they need me... They just had a horrible break up.

 

Now be honest... If it was one of my male friends... You would not care and would understand. However, I was blowing off date night to go take care of one of my "girlfriends" at her house instead of taking you out on date night... you cannot tell me for one second that you would not be affected in a negative way by this.

 

Hmm. I'm not sure the gender would factor in so much in the way you think. If we had actual important plans, I wouldn't be fine with him going, irregardless of gender, and if the plans were completely reschedulable, I'd be fine with him going, irregardless of gender.

 

This assumes it was a very close friendship, someone who was a sister or brother to him essentially. If someone who wasn't a terribly close friend called, just wanting him to join them and get drunk or something to drown their sorrows over a break-up, I wouldn't respect him going with a male buddy anymore than with a female buddy. Priorities have to be straight, and spouses have to come first (well, children, then spouse), long before anybody else.

 

There is a huge difference between your boyfriend or husband telling you he wants to actively pursue a lot of new female friends...then if he had a few good, honest female friends before you met.

 

True. Though, for instance, I've been having lunch with a male co-worker (another teacher, in the break room), and I think we've become friends. In this case, he has a wife, so we're going out with the couple on a double date next week. So, I essentially made a new male friend while in a relationship, but I didn't go out looking for male friends. He just happens to be one of the few liberal teachers at a very conservative school, and he and I have a lot in common that I don't with the other teachers. We did hang out one time out of school, but it was because of a local community service committee we both joined.

 

I think a lot of the way people view this depends on how they make friends. I mean, I don't go on "friend dates" with my female friends very often either----the only friends I schedule individual dinners with (male or female) are people I've known a very long time, who I want to stay in touch with because we're friends from another era and they're still important to me. I don't make new friends that way. I make new friends from the activities I'd already be doing.

[sally4sara]

If there are no boundaries with my male friends... Since there shouldn't be any DIFFERENCES the fact that I have friends that are "girls" then why do they require boundaries?

 

The point is... There IS A DIFFERENCE!

 

It's just that these girly men / women who date girly men do not want to admit it!

 

Can the men or the women answer this?

 

Has your BF / GF or Husband / Wife asked you to go make friends with someone of the opposite sex? The type of friends that you speak with, email with, text with, spend time with, have dinner with, lunch with, drink with, go to the lake with, go camping with, go shopping with, go to the game with, go play golf with, etc.

 

I don't ask my husband to make friends with people based on gender. Specifying which gender he should make friends with is, well it would be weird. I'm not him mom, I don't pick his friends. If he meets someone he shares a few interests with that can make pleasant conversation (and yes sometimes its a woman) they get invited over for dinner or to some social event we are going to. If they have a SO, they get invited too, we get to know them too. Just like if any already established friend finds a new SO; we get to know him or her as friends. Oh the horror!

Take today. A long standing female friend of my husband moved back to our city this year. Her BF still lives in NY but has been in town this week. He is on his way over as I type this because we are going to go run errands together. Should I worry he has some ulterior motive beyond not knowing how to get around an area he is unfamiliar with? Should I assume its going to be awkward or annoying because our gender difference will have us completely misunderstanding each other?

 

If my husband and I were out to dinner and one of his friends called him up all a mess because they were just dumped - it wouldn't matter if its a male friend or a female friend. Both can wait till after dinner or till tomorrow. We're not in middle school! I expect any adult to hold it together till someone can make themselves available. I'd never leave him sitting in the restaurant while I go fly to the side of a friend even if that friend was female. Friends are not as important as your spouse no matter how close they are. Its like some of you have a really overblown idea of what a friendship requires.

 

And another thing that is going unacknowledged is that your BF/SO has friends, those people can be your friend too. We respect each others opinion and judgment enough to see that if one of us thinks someone's company has merit, there is a high probability that the other will like them too. If one of my husband's male friends was crappy and shunned my attempts to be friendly to them, they'd get chewed out or told to eff off for good.

 

I have had female friends who were with the kind of guys who can't think of women as friends. They were always rude and smarmy to her female friends. Their "dudes" were always annoying and crappy to their GF/wife and were allowed more concessions than was respectful as though their SO was second fiddle anyway - maybe it was his guy friends he was dicking on the sly? And they couldn't tolerate her having platonic male friendships. If that is your definition of a "manly" guy, you can have them. You can all get in a circle with some baby oil and..............be manly.

[TaurusTerp]

So let's play a game... You and I are married right... It's date night tonight...

 

Now one of my best friends calls me and tells me to come over because they need me... They just had a horrible break up.

 

Now be honest... If it was one of my male friends... You would not care and would understand. However, I was blowing off date night to go take care of one of my "girlfriends" at her house instead of taking you out on date night... you cannot tell me for one second that you would not be affected in a negative way by this.

 

You think your husband is going to be cool in this same situation if it was reversed? Sorry dear... I know I look great... but Jake needs me. I am going to go over to his house and consul him because Sally just dumped him. Have fun sitting at home while I am taking care of another man.

 

Get REAL PEOPLE! It's like college... It sounds great when you read it in a book or hear it from a Professor but it just doesn't work like that in the real world!

 

As far as a female point of view goes... I have 4 sisters... So why would I need more female companions in my life? Can't I find that at home so to speak? Wouldn't you agree they know me better than any other female would?

 

Quit making excuses for your BF just because he is a little girly man and has no male friends...

 

I am 38... My male friends range from 28 - 57... Not once has any of us ever been told by our GFes / wifes.... Honey, I sure do wish you would go out and make some "girlfriends" and I really do want you to talk to them on the phone and go and spend quality time with them. Cause after all, that is what friends do.

 

For the Love of God... Theory is one thing... Real Life is something altogether different!

 

I'm willing to bet you've been coupled up for a long, long time. Things change when you're married. If you're single, it's a huge help to have female friends, IMO. My female friends are better planners and more proactive about finding things to do, while all the guys (myself included) just play it by ear and do whatever. Also, female friends have friends they can set you up with. It's a lot easier to meet and date women when you have female friends - you're "vetted".

 

You're taking the argument into areas like boundaries, which aren't really relevant.

[jcrdnf]

Men and women become friends at work but I do not think that should consist of after work dinners or phone calls.

 

But this goes for both women and men. It can not be onesided.

[sally4sara]

Men and women become friends at work but I do not think that should consist of after work dinners or phone calls.

 

But this goes for both women and men. It can not be onesided.

 

I made many male friends through my brother, guys I've dated, guys my female friends knew, work, school, volunteer work, and the service industries. You see the same mechanic, tattoo artist, hair stylist long enough they can easily become your friend with other benefits! It lowers the cost of your auto repairs, mods, and haircuts.

 

Sitting here while guy friend is trying on some clothes at some place he wanted to go. He wasn't planning on being in town this many days and ran out of clothes. He asks my opinion on stuff. We're getting along just fine without any weird sexual vibe or confusion. Not sure why this would need to be so difficult.

 

Maybe many are assuming women only ever talk about garden parties, tupperware, and shoes and can't see enjoying their company without the hope of sex. To this I suggest finding women who enjoy less girly stuff. I'd be equally bored around women who only have a few very girly interests too.

[112233]

For single guys and gals, I really think most so called platonic friendships are anything but. The guy almost always wants to hit it and the gal is usually aware that given the chance, he would.

 

There are exceptions, but I really think that's the most common case.

 

For married people it's different.

[Akumark]

In a couple I can see the problem but as a single I find it extremely important to have girls as friends. I feel much easier to speak about feelings, dating and sex with them. I also have have 2 very good ''parters in crime'' that I'd never want to lose. Those two girls are the best wingman (wingwomen?) a guy could dream for when we go out. I do find them attractive but I think having sex with them would eventualy lead to a less open friendship so we've made it clear that we'd never touch eachother even when we sleep in the same bed, etc. (Ok there was one drunk mistake but we don't really remember anything )

[zengirl]

Maybe many are assuming women only ever talk about garden parties, tupperware, and shoes and can't see enjoying their company without the hope of sex. To this I suggest finding women who enjoy less girly stuff. I'd be equally bored around women who only have a few very girly interests too.

 

Ha, so true. I've never talked about tupperware, and I wouldn't know what happens at a garden party. I guess I've had a conversation or two about shoes, but it generally consisted of, "Are these cute?" "Those are cute!" or "What color shoes do you think with this outfit?" to a female friend, in a boutique or something. Not much of my conversation time. I talk way more about comic books than about shoes.

[sally4sara]

Ha, so true. I've never talked about tupperware, and I wouldn't know what happens at a garden party. I guess I've had a conversation or two about shoes, but it generally consisted of, "Are these cute?" "Those are cute!" or "What color shoes do you think with this outfit?" to a female friend, in a boutique or something. Not much of my conversation time. I talk way more about comic books than about shoes.

 

Oh, and I can think of few things I hate less than baby or bridal showers. I avoid those social situations like the plague! I'll just send a gift and wait for the co-ed after party.

 

I think some don't get it. Women can have as myriad interests as any man can and not all of them are pink, covered in glitter and smell of perfume.

 

I love comics! Look into Finder or the Walking Dead.

[EasyHeart]

I mostly like to talk about Tupperware and shoes.

[zengirl]

Oh, and I can think of few things I hate less than baby or bridal showers. I avoid those social situations like the plague! I'll just send a gift and wait for the co-ed after party.

 

I think some don't get it. Women can have as myriad interests as any man can and not all of them are pink, covered in glitter and smell of perfume.

 

I love comics! Look into Finder or the Walking Dead.

 

I love Walking Dead. My boyfriend and I are trading them back and forth right now. . . we loved the series (well, we loved the first episode and liked the others) and the comics are even better!

Edited December 30, 2010 by zengirl

[northern_sky]

Men and women definitely do speak different languages when they're in groups. In general, I suck in group of girls. I relate best to girls who are more tomboyish like me or Spookie.

[tinktronik]

I mostly like to talk about Tupperware and shoes.

 

We could be great friends as long as you like to talk about shoes.

[AverageJoe]

 

Maybe many are assuming women only ever talk about garden parties, tupperware, and shoes and can't see enjoying their company without the hope of sex. To this I suggest finding women who enjoy less girly stuff. I'd be equally bored around women who only have a few very girly interests too.

 

Curious.

 

If you were a with a group of men. What would be your topic of conversation with them?

[sally4sara]

Curious.

 

If you were a with a group of men. What would be your topic of conversation with them?

 

It depends. Not all guys are into the same stuff. You might be into cars. Another might be into football. Do you get along with all guys and always like everything any other guy is into?

 

The things I like and know a good deal about that seems more "guy" are:

 

MMA and boxing, action, gore and horror films, gun (mostly for hunting), carpentry, butchery and a couple video games.

 

Things I can talk about with either are:

Politics, books, current events, history and entertainment.

 

Both like to talk about relationship-y or interpersonal stuff but it is different than chatting with a female friend. A guy friend will come to me when his GF/wife is upset at him about something that he doesn't get that didn't get resolved in a way that he is satisfied with. He may have already apologized but still doesn't get it. Or she blew up and took off and he wants some sort of unbiased view point before approaching her again. Or if some guy friend has his sights on a woman he briefly met and wants to know how to catch her attention. Style tips. That sort of thing.

[AverageJoe]

I

 

The things I like and know a good deal about that seems more "guy" are:

 

MMA and boxing, action, gore and horror films, gun (mostly for hunting), carpentry, butchery and a couple video games.

 

What did you think about Chuck Liddell's retirement this past Wednesday, and his new role as vice president of business development?

 

I think Clive Barker has been underrated in the horror genre. What are your thoughts on that?

 

I am thinking of buying a Springfield XD 9MM or maybe an XD 40 Cal Amory. Which one do you think I should get, and why?

 

What? No sports!!!

 

Who do you think has the best run in the NFL playoffs this season?

 

And that hot ass chic at the book store, should I bang her?

[112233]

I am thinking of buying a Springfield XD 9MM or maybe an XD 40 Cal Amory. Which one do you think I should get, and why?

 

If you live in a place with a 10rd limit, the 40. Better, XD-45. Hope CA doesn't ban my laser sights.

[sally4sara]

What did you think about Chuck Liddell's retirement this past Wednesday, and his new role as vice president of business development?

 

I think Clive Barker has been underrated in the horror genre. What are your thoughts on that?

 

I am thinking of buying a Springfield XD 9MM or maybe an XD 40 Cal Amory. Which one do you think I should get, and why?

 

What? No sports!!!

 

Who do you think has the best run in the NFL playoffs this season?

 

And that hot ass chic at the book store, should I bang her?

 

I feel its a good time for Liddell to retire. He still has the gumption but his game has been declining in that last couple years. I know nothing of his business dealings so I have no opinion on that.

Barker movies have always been over rated in my book. His best work was his YA novels like the Thief of Always.

 

I don't recommend using either gun for hunting. But the XD 40 has a sweet tactical package option. But both are Springfield.

 

Boxing and MMA ARE sports.

 

I stopped paying any mind to NFL when I won the football pool my ex husband and his dad do every year. I hated to see such poor losers when all it takes is reading the injury reports and picking the home team advantage.