Men Don't Need Women Friends, True or False?

[Madgick1]

The debate that came up over the holiday (in a mixed group) was whether or not men were interested in having women as friends. A friend was defined as a woman for whom the guy had no sexual interest (and never had any), whom he simply enjoyed her company and admired her character and personality.

 

There were some general agreements:

 

Men under the age of 24 or so, still in college or 'finding' themselves, were more likely have non-sexual interest in women friends, because they had so many opportunities to meet a wide variety of women in casual circumstances and everyone is still a bit unformed and developing their personalities. Altho still their primary interest re females is in getting laid.

 

Women at work or involved in their sport of choice, might interest a man as a friend (just a tennis buddy for example or both being on a bicycle team) or (I like having her on my project team), but the relationship never would develop outside of work or the sport, and largely takes part in front of others and there's a clear line between personal and public (no confessing of marital unhappiness, no sharing of life angst, no contact outside of work/activity).

 

Sometimes long term ex's, particularly with shared children. They just know you and there's a comfort level.

 

But these cases are rareand in most cases the men put little effort into developing the friendship, it just happens because of proximity.

 

The concensus was that the reason men over age 25 or so put any effort into a relationship with a woman is because he wanted some sort of sexual response from her: from a ONS to a LTR. Men didn't need women as friends; they had their male friends whom they understood better and were less trouble.

 

What say you all here?

[january2010]

A fling-ex, a guy in his mid-30s, once said that he tries to remain 'friends' with his exes and was open to friendship even if it meant re-connecting years later. When I told him that, for me, break up = NC forever, he said that meant that I'm not truly over my exes.

 

It made me wonder if some people consider it a badge of honour to keep an ex as a friend - proof that one can be a 'grownup' about it all.

 

Methinks, he just wanted a harem of potential back-ups and FWBs.

Edited December 29, 2010 by january2010

[sally4sara]

I think it is a maturity level thing. If you peruse through this site, you will find many men who struggle with viewing women as humans. They bemoan their fate in relationships and seem so bitter it becomes a chicken VS egg think to me.

Did they have a string of crappy relationships because they don't think of women as human or have they arrived at this attitude via having a bad relationship? I can't tell. I suspect it is the former because I do have male friends who seem to value my non sexual attention and seek my input on a wide variety of subjects; continuing to do so all without any physical affection or a change of a shot at a romantic relationship with me.

 

I can say that to many men, even among my friends, if a man likes a woman's personality and she is single I could see why he would wonder if a good romantic relationship could be had between them. Why wouldn't they? It would seem a healthy indicator of success if they already get along. But I don't often meet men who would flip out in a tantrum and break a friendly association if she was not interested in them in that way. We're all just folks and plenty of us accept what pleasantry we can get.

 

The belief that no woman could make a good friend to a man is to believe that no woman is capable of what their make friends offer them. Simple pleasant companionship. It would stand to reason if they couldn't comprehend that, they would only value a woman for sex and that isn't going to lead to any kind of happily ever after because no one can spend their entire relationship in the bedroom.

[that girl]

I think opposite sex friendships can be complicated. Often one person is attracted to the other or a significant other gets jealous.

 

But this, to me, is a very unhealthy way to see women

 

The concensus was that the reason men over age 25 or so put any effort into a relationship with a woman is because he wanted some sort of sexual response from her: from a ONS to a LTR. Men didn't need women as friends; they had their male friends whom they understood better and were less trouble.

 

I tend towards female friends because we tend to have more in common and there is less concern about what someone else is thinking. But I would never say men are "trouble" or only worth putting effort into dealing with if there was going to be sex or a relationship. I think opposite sex friendships are tricky but if you can't enjoy spending time with a woman you're not sleeping with or working with, something is off.

 

I also think it can be helpful to have someone of the opposite sex to occasionally bounce things off when it comes to dating. I don't think this person needs to be a friend, they could be a sibling, cousin, best friend's significant other, etc. If you can't even contemplate developing a friendship with a woman because she's a woman, odds are you really need some help dating.

[TaurusTerp]

If you've eliminated half the population as potential friends, or if you are incapable of juggling a significant other as well as friends of the opposite gender, I'd call you immature.

[mr.dream merchant]

I think it is a maturity level thing. If you peruse through this site, you will find many men who struggle with viewing women as humans. They bemoan their fate in relationships and seem so bitter it becomes a chicken VS egg think to me.

Did they have a string of crappy relationships because they don't think of women as human or have they arrived at this attitude via having a bad relationship? I can't tell. I suspect it is the former because I do have male friends who seem to value my non sexual attention and seek my input on a wide variety of subjects; continuing to do so all without any physical affection or a change of a shot at a romantic relationship with me.

 

I can say that to many men, even among my friends, if a man likes a woman's personality and she is single I could see why he would wonder if a good romantic relationship could be had between them. Why wouldn't they? It would seem a healthy indicator of success if they already get along. But I don't often meet men who would flip out in a tantrum and break a friendly association if she was not interested in them in that way. We're all just folks and plenty of us accept what pleasantry we can get.

 

The belief that no woman could make a good friend to a man is to believe that no woman is capable of what their make friends offer them. Simple pleasant companionship. It would stand to reason if they couldn't comprehend that, they would only value a woman for sex and that isn't going to lead to any kind of happily ever after because no one can spend their entire relationship in the bedroom.

 

 

See, the underlying problem with women who THINK like this, is that they view certain men as friends, when in reality - they are not.

 

If a guy is romantically interested in you, but because you aren't, or aren't available, that doesn't make him any more of a friend than you thought he was. It makes him some guy that's happy with waiting around until the chance to bed you presents itself (sometimes never does).

 

That's why there is this stigma among some men, about their GF having male friends...because men know how men think, and know that probably 70% of a woman's male "friends" are just lames waiting for an opportunity to snag her.

 

Suppose this kind of woman has a significant other. This is what I mentioned before, about people pushing the boundaries of their relationship, and most of the time, it's women. The reason for that is, women don't truly understand the psyche or nature of a man. Why befriend another man who wants to sleep with you? That's only going to cause little and unwanted annoyances for your significant other.

 

 

Anyways, that was a bit off topic. To answer the question, I really don't see the need for female friends. I have some, but they're generally unattractive as far as my standards go. They're great people, and help me out as much as they can when it comes to women.

 

But one always has trouble keeping a female friend because most of the time, they grow to like me more than as a friend. My ex, totally insecure in her own right, actually had one thing right - sometimes people just can't keep friends of the opposite sex because the friend will always want to cross that line.

[sally4sara]

See, the underlying problem with women who THINK like this, is that they view certain men as friends, when in reality - they are not.

 

If a guy is romantically interested in you, but because you aren't, or aren't available, that doesn't make him any more of a friend than you thought he was. It makes him some guy that's happy with waiting around until the chance to bed you presents itself (sometimes never does).

 

That's why there is this stigma among some men, about their GF having male friends...because men know how men think, and know that probably 70% of a woman's male "friends" are just lames waiting for an opportunity to snag her.

 

Suppose this kind of woman has a significant other. This is what I mentioned before, about people pushing the boundaries of their relationship, and most of the time, it's women. The reason for that is, women don't truly understand the psyche or nature of a man. Why befriend another man who wants to sleep with you? That's only going to cause little and unwanted annoyances for your significant other.

 

 

Anyways, that was a bit off topic. To answer the question, I really don't see the need for female friends. I have some, but they're generally unattractive as far as my standards go. They're great people, and help me out as much as they can when it comes to women.

 

But one always has trouble keeping a female friend because most of the time, they grow to like me more than as a friend. My ex, totally insecure in her own right, actually had one thing right - sometimes people just can't keep friends of the opposite sex because the friend will always want to cross that line.

 

And as a shining example of exactly what I shared, enter Jersey Shoresque MDM!

 

I have platonic friendships that span a decade or more. An amount of time that included moments of me as a single person. They could have made their move and did not. The friendship continued on as it was. So don't tell me what someone I've known for 10 years or more really thinks. You are, thankfully, not every man on the planet.

[mr.dream merchant]

And as a shining example of exactly what I shared, enter Jersey Shoresque MDM!

 

I have platonic friendships that span a decade or more. An amount of time that included moments of me as a single person. They could have made their move and did not. The friendship continued on as it was. So don't tell me what someone I've known for 10 years or more really thinks. You are, thankfully, not every man on the planet.

 

This isn't the 1970's. You don't have to keep proving you're equal to man. That'll do little piggy, that'll do.

[sally4sara]

This isn't the 1970's. You don't have to keep proving you're equal to man. That'll do little piggy, that'll do.

 

It is not my mission to dumb myself down that way. Hows that break out doing?

[TaurusTerp]

See, the underlying problem with women who THINK like this, is that they view certain men as friends, when in reality - they are not.

 

If a guy is romantically interested in you, but because you aren't, or aren't available, that doesn't make him any more of a friend than you thought he was. It makes him some guy that's happy with waiting around until the chance to bed you presents itself (sometimes never does).

 

That's why there is this stigma among some men, about their GF having male friends...because men know how men think, and know that probably 70% of a woman's male "friends" are just lames waiting for an opportunity to snag her.

 

Suppose this kind of woman has a significant other. This is what I mentioned before, about people pushing the boundaries of their relationship, and most of the time, it's women. The reason for that is, women don't truly understand the psyche or nature of a man. Why befriend another man who wants to sleep with you? That's only going to cause little and unwanted annoyances for your significant other.

 

 

Anyways, that was a bit off topic. To answer the question, I really don't see the need for female friends. I have some, but they're generally unattractive as far as my standards go. They're great people, and help me out as much as they can when it comes to women.

 

But one always has trouble keeping a female friend because most of the time, they grow to like me more than as a friend. My ex, totally insecure in her own right, actually had one thing right - sometimes people just can't keep friends of the opposite sex because the friend will always want to cross that line.

 

Arrogant, immature, as well as misogynistic. Impressive trifecta.

[mr.dream merchant]

It is not my mission to dumb myself down that way. Hows that break out doing?

 

Ah but here's where I take my exit. Sorry love, your games don't interest me. Keep it cool.:cool:

[dispatch3d]

I like being friends with women, but I guess I'm just really social in general and prefer to have more friends rather than less friends. So I guess I disagree?

 

Sometimes I have a romantic issue at the start sometimes I don't. I wouldn't even say all the time, as I'm totally cool being friends with a buddies girlfriend (although people are generally so insecure they aren't cool with it, which is sad).

[Madgick1]

That's why there is this stigma among some men, about their GF having male friends...because men know how men think, and know that probably 70% of a woman's male "friends" are just lames waiting for an opportunity to snag her.

 

This is what most of the men in the group thought. That men cultivated friendships with women with sex in mind, even tho in many cases they knew it was hopeless or not a good idea or could never muster up the confidence, etc....

 

Most of the women thought there were men who admired and liked them just for themselves without any thought of sex.

[mr.dream merchant]

This is what most of the men in the group thought. That men cultivated friendships with women with sex in mind, even tho in many cases they knew it was hopeless or not a good idea or could never muster up the confidence, etc....

 

Most of the women thought there were men who admired and liked them just for themselves without any thought of sex.

 

If the woman is a good bit on the attractive side? Pffft. No disrespect to my queens out there but, fagheddaboutit. Most men will approach her out of sexual interest, see what she's about, and if she isn't giving them the time of day, they'll play the friend card if they want to save face. Then the waiting game starts.

[GoodOnPaper]

For me, if/when feelings of real friendship develop toward a woman, attraction always accompanies it. I suspect that it's due to my introvert personality -- it drains me to try and connect with a lot of people. So truly feeling comfortable with a woman is big aphrodisiac. It's unfortunate that this always seemed to have the opposite effect on women . . .

 

I also think that a man's level of success in attracting women can affect his view of friendships with women. If I was happy with the number of women I attracted, I'm sure that I would have an easier time having true but platonic friendships with women. As it is, I simply couldn't remain closer than acquaintances with a woman that I was sexually attracted to but who rejected me. I always feel like she views me as asexual -- not comfortable.

[GoodOnPaper]

The belief that no woman could make a good friend to a man is to believe that no woman is capable of what their make friends offer them. Simple pleasant companionship. It would stand to reason if they couldn't comprehend that, they would only value a woman for sex and that isn't going to lead to any kind of happily ever after because no one can spend their entire relationship in the bedroom.

 

I don't think this is the case at all. I think for some guys -- especially those of us who have struggled to attract women -- that feelings of friendship and sexual attraction are entwined and cannot be easily separated. So it's simply a matter of emotional self-preservation, not some arbitrary woman-hating principle.

[oaks]

 

The concensus was that the reason men over age 25 or so put any effort into a relationship with a woman is because he wanted some sort of sexual response from her: from a ONS to a LTR. Men didn't need women as friends; they had their male friends whom they understood better and were less trouble.

 

What say you all here?

 

I don't think this is universally true. I'm a guy in my late 30s and have some female friends with whom I don't want sex. Some of them I'm not even sexually attracted to, and some I am, but I want these people as friends not lovers. Some of them are sporting activity partners, so if you're looking for a 'motivation' to cultivate a relationship then perhaps this is it, but I just view it as having friends.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm elderly, and two of my oldest and dearest friends are men. Our friendships began when we were in our early 20's, in college days.

 

One of them "loved" me (no, he wasn't trying to get in my pants ... he was a tremendous nerd who would not even lose his virginity for a couple more years), which caused some bumps in the road of our lifelong friendship. Mere bumps, though; we are very close friends forever. I love his wife and kids; he has been a huge part of my daughter's life since she was born.

 

I've always had male friends. I've been passionately involved in different pursuits throughout my life. If others involved were men or women, it didn't matter, our love for our shared interests was fuel enough for a friendship of depth and substance to develop. Sexual attraction or romantic interest sometimes complicated matters, but our real friendships were solid.

[paleblue]

This is such a tricky subject…. I do like to converse with females, other than my gf. And I do it quite often, mainly via work or social networks, or outings with friends. Altho I think the term “friend” is used too loosely. I refer to them more or less as an “acquaintance”, than a real friend. Real friends to me are more than just here and there, co-workers, tennis partners, or softball buddies. Real friends hang out, dwell on each other, got each others backs, are involved with each others lives. You get the picture.. I can do that more easily with guy friends than I can with females. My guy friends tend to stick around and we hang out for years. I don’t know many females friends who can say that. Same works the other way around, girls stick together.

 

I think its possible to have female acquaintances, or even friends, but I think it’s only respectful to enforce some boundaries if someone is seeing someone. And if someone starts seeing someone, are you still really friends if you can’t hang out? Will my gf be cool with me just hanging out with another female alone? Or how about my female friends bf? Will he be cool with his girl hanging out with me? alone? Prob. not. So to me, that means you’re really not a friend. You are just an acquaintance. Because real friends shouldn’t have problems hanging out no matter what.

 

I am sure there are A LOT of people who have alternative motives for wanting to be “friends”. But there are probably A LOT that just want to hang out with no sexual motives. If my female friend has sex appeal, yes, my mind will probably wander at some point. It’s only natural. Since we are made to get it on. But that doesn’t mean I’m waiting in the wings for my chance to pounce. My life isn’t going to stop, or me stop from getting a girlfriend.

[TG4MJ]

I have a rather original and new idea on platonic friendships with the opposite sex: They can put me in their friend zone, but they can't keep me in their friend zone. I mean let's face it, some times things happen and it evolves into FWB or blossoms into a full on relationship, which naturally would give a good guy incentive to stick around and see what happens, but once a female friend starts dating other men, that's my cue to walk away. Don't offer an explanation, don't grovel, don't wax poetic on her, just walk away. If she's too stupid to get why you don't want anything to do with her then she should say it all. I've done it twice already and I gotta tell you, it's both empowering to you and might even serve as a wake up call for her. She doesn't like it, she can go cry to her newlyfound boyfriend. I mean what's the point ? Just my two cents on the matter.

[Yamaha]

My responce to this question is, how many women actually saw a guy and

 

put forth effort into befriending him?

 

Friendships start usually out of proximity, at work or the like, but if a guy

 

agrees to be friends with you and you didn't meet through proximity then he

 

is not looking for just friendship ( though some guys will lay low for a long time ).

[Taramere]

There are men who just can't be friends with women, because they have a basically misogynistic outlook. Then there are men who are genuine, good people who value others for who they are rather than simply for what they can get out of them.

 

The false friendship of men in the former category would be something I can quite happily live without. As for this notion of "being put in the friend zone"...when I perceive somebody as a friend, I'm paying them a compliment. It doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to them, it doesn't mean I'm not. It means I think they're a cool person who I admire, respect and trust. If somebody I thought was a friend wanted to throw that compliment back in my face, I'd be more than happy to kick them out of my friendzone.

[somedude81]

Mr. dream knows what he is talking about.

 

Out of all the friendships I've had with women, I got closer to them because I wanted to sleep with them. That doesn't mean I didn't think they were cool people and enjoyed their company. Just because I want to sleep with somebody, doesn't mean that's the only thing I'm after.

 

I've never been good with women so I often get stuck going the friend route. That mostly happens because the girl misreads my intentions, thinking that I just want to be a friend.

 

At this point in my life I don't want female friends. I always end up falling for whomever I'm close to.

 

I do enjoy the company of women more than men and would be fine having female friends, as long as I was already in a relationship.

[AD1980]

I dont have any women friends aside from my good friends wives because i dont seem to have anything in common with most women..

 

Whenever i hear a bunch of women get together and talk its like a foreign language to me..Im not saying its bad or anything just nothign i can relate to..

[Stung]

I have male friends. Some of them are exes, some of them have been platonic friends for a couple of decades, including times when both of us were single. Some of them are my husband's friends, some of them are coworkers. Yes, I have run into several men over the years who 'befriended' me with ulterior motives, and those motives were usually pretty discernible before too much time had passed. Those guys got thinned out and left by the wayside, I'm not interested in being fake friends with people.

 

My husband has female friends. Exes, coworkers, friends of his sisters who grew up with them all, etc. He goes out to coffee or lunch with them every once in a while, hangs out with them at work functions, at his sisters' houses. They're not his bestest buddies, but I'd call definitely call them more than acquaintances.

 

Friendships with the opposite sex can be tricky, and there are plenty of people with emotionally complicated or deceptive ulterior motives. But someone who genuinely believes that men can never have friendships or even be friendly with women, or like women for personal aspects beyond or outside their sexual potential--it is my opinion that such a person is gravely emotionally dysfunctional.