Not much contact, getting paranoid

[Zale]

Text wall says hello -

 

Hello, I met what I easily consider my soul mate not too long ago. We have the same sort of ambitions, the same sort of outlook, and god knows how much more in common. We'd share ideas, thoughts, experiences (or lack thereof), etc.

 

The relationship progressed very quickly, and before long we were talking about sex, meeting, and the like. There were jealousy and controlling issues on both sides, but we both took it in our strides and mostly got over it.

 

Then about a month ago, something changed. She became extremely caught up in her uni work, and naturally the time we could spend together decreased. Fair enough, we all have lives. Then she became somewhat depressed, and the short amount of time we'd spend together decreased further. I could accept this... though throughout this entire absent phase, she had been quite actively participating in an online community we both browse on occasion.

 

Why on earth would she prefer spending time with these random people over me, in her spare time?

 

I snapped at some point, after about two weeks of no contact, called her up and put my cards on the table. She came online right away, apologized for being so distant, told me she loved me and that it was just part of what she was going through, dealing with some anger issues in addition to this unknown depression. Nothing to do with me or our relationship.

 

Again, fair enough. She was around a little more, we even got to speak on xmas day, which is surprising as I didn't hold out much hope. We were intimate on the phone, just like it was when we first met. Wonderful.

 

Now it's starting up again. Another four-five days without a word. I've seen her around, but she's never replied, never spoken to me at all.

 

What am I supposed to do? Or think? There is only so much coincidence I can stomach, and being essentially blanked by someone you love for this long is taking its toll on me as a person.

 

Despite that, she insists that we're still in a relationship. She continues to make plans for the future with me on the off-chance she thinks of me enough to come online once a week.

 

But this is pathetic. I want more than this. No, a relationship -needs- more than this "afterthought" mentality going on here. Am I an idiot for thinking like this? Or am I just a bad person for doubting her issues?

 

So I ask... what do I do?

[nikos21]

How long have you been apart? Did you guys visit each other?

Did you have any common plans for the future, moving close to each other?

[folieadeux]

I'm a bit confused. Did you guys meet in person yet? If not and if plans aren't being made to do so, then I think this really isn't worth pursuing. Her disappearing acts don't bode too well for the future either. It's one thing to talk about what you would like to happen, but if she isn't proactively taking any real action, it's as good as nothing. To me, words alone mean very little in these situations.

[Zale]

Thanks for the replies. We've not met quite yet (mainly due to her being broke, me moving and things generally going at a fast pace over about two months), though as it stands we have plans for April. Her final exams end in Feb and that leaves a month to prepare everything.

 

We've discussed the future several times, though things are still at a relatively entry-level stage. She has ambitions to work at a certain company with a large branch in Ireland, and she has a friend within it who can help give her the advantage in the recruitment process. I live in England, so the gap closes quite a bit and at that point I could consider moving closer myself.

 

I just can't read her actions. When we talk, we're close. We're intimate. Both she and I make it very clear that we want this to work. We just don't really get the "chance", by accident or design, to speak much these days. She considers it something she needs to rectify, and after I put it on the table the first time, she promised to keep in touch while she gets through this. Depression, anger issues... I don't know anymore.

 

Am I just being selfish here? Is it unreasonable of me to want to be put first?

[nikos21]

Thanks for the replies. We've not met quite yet (mainly due to her being broke, me moving and things generally going at a fast pace over about two months), though as it stands we have plans for April. Her final exams end in Feb and that leaves a month to prepare everything.

 

We've discussed the future several times, though things are still at a relatively entry-level stage. She has ambitions to work at a certain company with a large branch in Ireland, and she has a friend within it who can help give her the advantage in the recruitment process. I live in England, so the gap closes quite a bit and at that point I could consider moving closer myself.

 

I just can't read her actions. When we talk, we're close. We're intimate. Both she and I make it very clear that we want this to work. We just don't really get the "chance", by accident or design, to speak much these days. She considers it something she needs to rectify, and after I put it on the table the first time, she promised to keep in touch while she gets through this. Depression, anger issues... I don't know anymore.

 

Am I just being selfish here? Is it unreasonable of me to want to be put first?

 

From what you say it seems to me that this girl does love you, but she is not sure she wants to keep an LDR and she is thinking. A fact is that if you really want to speak to someone, you always find time. Even executives in huge companies find time to make a call, speak to their family, but you said she didn't speak to you for 2 weeks. I mean we live in 2010, there are mobiles, facebook, skype, msn, phone...

 

Its also normal if you guys haven't met more than 2 months, you rarely talk and see each other and dont have plans to meet the next 2-3, that things get colder.. so it might explain the change of behavior.

 

I don't believe you are selfish if you demand just to speak with her often, its your girlfriend after all. Being in almost the same position as you a year ago, the only advice i can give you is, visit her if you can,try to make things more intimate again and see if things go back to normal, and talk to her without making up excuses for her, and dont hesitate discuss everything.

Edited December 29, 2010 by nikos21

[folieadeux]

Thanks for the replies. We've not met quite yet (mainly due to her being broke, me moving and things generally going at a fast pace over about two months), though as it stands we have plans for April. Her final exams end in Feb and that leaves a month to prepare everything.

 

We've discussed the future several times, though things are still at a relatively entry-level stage. She has ambitions to work at a certain company with a large branch in Ireland, and she has a friend within it who can help give her the advantage in the recruitment process. I live in England, so the gap closes quite a bit and at that point I could consider moving closer myself.

 

I just can't read her actions. When we talk, we're close. We're intimate. Both she and I make it very clear that we want this to work. We just don't really get the "chance", by accident or design, to speak much these days. She considers it something she needs to rectify, and after I put it on the table the first time, she promised to keep in touch while she gets through this. Depression, anger issues... I don't know anymore.

 

Am I just being selfish here? Is it unreasonable of me to want to be put first?

 

You're not being unreasonable at all. I just think you need to meet first before you devote all this time and energy into this. If she already flakes out this much and it's only a few months in, it doesn't seem to me like she's as ready as you are for this kind of relationship.

[kassie44]

it sounds like this girl is going through some major issues in her life with the depression and anger issues. she may just be trying to get her life in order before fully committing herself to a relationship. Depression is a horrible thing to deal with and i think that you should let her know that you are there for her and you are there to support her through this difficult time. On the other hand, she does need to communicate with you and open up on what she is going through. There cannot be a relationship with no communication.