type7 Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 My gf used to have severe depression like 4 years ago and has scars on her arms from when she used to cut herself with a razor. She said that she's better since but just a few days ago i saw cuts all on the inside of her arm and she did it again today. Im talking her into talking to someone and i seem to be making progress but shes been very depressed. Her brother was bipolar and committed suicide back in september and her other brother is bipolar and in prison. Her mom is a bitch to her and her dad basically does the bare minimum with her. Not exactly a great family to be coming from. I want to be there for her but I'm starting to think she might have too much emotional baggage but I dont know if im being an a-hole about this but im graduating from college in may, i have a lot of my own things to deal with now like getting employment and becoming self-sufficient. I know where she's coming from as I get depressed everyonce in a while but its never like what she's going through now. I dont know what to do, does anyone have any suggestions?? type7 Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 You can't begin to do for her what a trained professional can, get her into some sort of therapy now. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Yes, make the appointment and drive her there yourself. Depressed people have low motivation and energy, so it might take MONTHS before she got to see someone on her own. You're a compassionate person, I can see that. Do keep in mind that you have not made a lifelong commitment to this person, and that depression can destroy relationships and lives. I would advise anyone to avoid a relationship with a person who suffers from untreated depression. If she were well under control with meds and therapy, it might be different. I know where she's coming from as I get depressed everyonce in a while but its never like what she's going through now. Major clinical depression is quite unlike the ordinary "blue moods" that everybody gets. Depression can feel like a black cloud that is smothering and coating everything, making the whole world and everything in it seem like worthless garbage. It can be so bad that even getting out of bed, or making a phone call, are literally IMPOSSIBLE. The fear, grief and anger, and the hopeless feeling that they will never resolve, cannot be described. I speak from personal experience. So with all due respect, I don't believe you know what she's is experiencing. If you did know, you'd probably run like h*ll...and I don't think that makes you a bad person. Just get her into treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 When this occurs, it often happens when they are depressed and are unable to feel. They do this to feel "something." It's apparent she is in ALOT of pain. What you have to realize is that you are not the cause of this pain. She would be worse without having you in her life. If you saw an injured dog or cat, looking for help would you walk away? I doubt it, and your gf is really crying for help right now. It's pretty apparent what she has could be genetic. She needs to see a therapist right away and to start on some medication to help her control this. Sounds like she needs intense therapy to help her even start on the issues she has with her family. You might also want to check these books out: There are a number of books on the subject that have been published recently: "Cutting - Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation" by Steven Levanton; " The Bright Red Scream," by Marileee Strong; and "Bodies Under Siege" by Armando Favazza You also have to realize this is an addiction. Just like drinking or drugs. She needs to have her fix. Don't look down on her, and treat her with the utmost compassion. If you stay with her (which I really hope you do) you will be in for a roller coaster ride, but she will owe you her life for it. Get her to a doctor who can truly help her, and also into a community group who has other people facing this same problem. Let us know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 You don't need to stay with her if you really don't want to, but she really needs a pal now and you seem a good guy. If you can stick around long enough to help her get help, that would be a great thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 yes definately therapy. she can be taught other methods to release the pain other than mutilating. jmargel, i didn't know there were book out about this now. thanks for the references Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Sure.. no problem. Goto http://www.google.com and do a search for depression cutting. Link to post Share on other sites
type7 Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Thank you all for your replies... I will do what I have to to get her into some sort of therapy. I was able to talk to her last night and she was more receptive than she was earlier in the day when it was mostly things like "life is just not worth it because no matter what she does everything gets messed up in the end." Apparently cutting is more common than I thought it was among depressed people and like jamrgel said its for the adrenaline rush and release of endorphins. When I asked her about it she said it was a quick fix for a long problem and that it made her feel better and able to cope in the short-term. When she showed me the scars from years ago I was a little shocked but fine overall but seeing the new cuts and knowing their self-inflicted makes me feel somewhat ... confused i guess, i dont really know what the emotion is I do care about this girl a lot, we had an amazing time together before this latest episode. I am there for her, i've tried to talk with her about it (i know its no subsititue for therapy but this has all just come about in the last few days) and we're looking for free resources or some group support. She said that she doesnt want to do individual therapy because she used to and it will bring back bad memories and group therapy might be better to start. Also neither of us have money and even the places that work on a sliding scale cost like $40 per session which adds up quickly week after week, plus meds assuming shes put on them. BTW, solemate i do know a little about it b/c i def had more than just a couple bad days in a row. I was def depressed where i wasnt eating well for weeks at a time, i lost a lot of weight, didnt want to leave my apt, didnt talk to friends, just stayed in my room doing nothing... but I was able to get through it with some herbal stuff (st. johns wort, omega 3 fish oils etc) and by putting myself on a dedicated exercise plan has helped tremendously. Lifting weights has given me a lot of self esteem. I mean youre right in that I dont know what shes going through exactly because she is quite a bit worse than I was but I can relate, even on a smaller scale somewhat to what she's goin through. i hope this didnt come out like im snappin back b/c i def didnt intend that Also, her mom is always talking down to her, calling her fat, which she certainly isnt. Calling her slutty/a tramp with the way she dresses. Some really harsh things. Shes almost 20 so you can imagine how this is making her feel. I think shes like 130lbs and like 5'4" so she's not close to fat. And she certainly doesnt dress like a slut. Her mom is some really religious woman so shed be happy if she went out in sweatpants and a baggy sweatshirt everyday. And shes trying to lose like another 10lbs but honestly i think shes fine and i tell her that all the time. It's like now that her daughter is growing up she's trying to keep her below her with emotional abuse. Not to mention that i dont think her mom likes me at all and is jealous b/c of the amount of time shes spending with me. Alright I gotta go to class, ill be back later to see if anyone has any additional insight..... thanks again everyone type7 Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 I just want to wish you luck and send you and your gf my best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Hey type7, you're clearly a very nice and caring guy. That comes through clearly. And if staying with your gf is what you decide to do, more power to you. But I have to say, I think a good relationship starts out with two mostly healthy people who feel themselves equal on at least some level. Not with a damaged person and a compassionate, self-sacrificing healer. People heal best when they do NOT have the crutch of a relationship, but instead rely on the support of close friends and family. Your gf needs to get strong as an individual - and that will not happen when you're there propping her up. Just my opinion, and I can see it is not the consensus. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Sole I have to disagree with you there. He can be her bf and also best friend. I am like that with my fiancee. If your lover isn't your best friend (at least in some ways) then things will turn for the worst. She feels comfortable enough to share all her scars with him, and actually look into therapy. For him to pull away right now would not only hurt him, but would crush her. It would be just another indicator to her that life isn't worth living. Each situation is unique. When I was with my ex, she was physically, emotionally & verbally abused by her mom. I can't count the number of nights where Tara just laid in my arms crying. Even though I might not have had alot of advice to give, at least she had someone she cared about with her, and was willing to listen to her anytime she needed. We were best friends then as well as lovers. Link to post Share on other sites
type7 Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 I can see your point solemate but what im hoping is that we can get through this somehow, either with therapy, meds or some combination and then we can get things back to the way they were. If this is a recurring thing which it might be since she's been depressed on and off for at least 4 years then I don't know exactly what to do b/c I would hate to abandon her when she needs someon the most. She told me that I am the only one she has ever shown the scars to and has told everything to. She says I am the first guy she has ever trusted. I think a lot of it has to do with her brothers suicide and her other brother being put in prison (For driving under the influence and then breaking probation with another DUI charge). That has kinda triggered it again and made it worse. I am hopeful that she will be able to get through this because when she's not depressed like this she is simply amazing to be with. jmargel - I agree with you as well because she has said that she doesnt know how she would be doing if i wasnt in her life and says that I have helped her so much in dealing with her brothers death because I met her about a month after he died. You were right on the money when u said that me leaving would be another indicator that life wasn't worth living. My main concern right now is her mental well-being. Even if I was having reservations about this being the right relationship for me, now is definitely not the time to break it off with her. Once I get her into some sort of therapy, or on some path so that she is getting better than I will worry about what I feel like I need to do. If I broke up with her now I literally would not be able to sleep at night and would be worrying about her constantly. So it seems like from the messages from everyone on here, getting her therapy immediately is the most important thing. It turns out that this therapist her friends knows is covered by her insurance so I told her we will call and I will go over with her for her appointment. I am confident that she can overcome this with the right help... thanks everyone type7 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 I found an old thread where midori made my point for me, much better than I could: Having your life intertwined with someone you're trying to help is a risky proposition, for several reasons: 1. they might never get better (as you're discovering) 2. the ultimate cost might be too much for you (as you're discovering) 3. if they do improve while they're with you -- perhaps directly because of your efforts -- they will have to move forward as your junior partner, the one who had to be saved. That's the kind of thing that can cause a lot of resentment, whether or not it's reasonable. If you're expecting gratitude you might be in for a rude surprise. Or, if they are genuinely grateful, they may be embarrassed and unable to handle being with you anymore because they feel you'll always be superior. 4. if things improve and you manage to side-step the resentment, you'll find yourself with a changed relationship on your hands, one that requires you change your role vis a vis your partner. You can't always be the knowing one anymore -- can you surrender that, and accept your transformed partner as an equal? Being there for other people is great. Letting them know that you're ready and able to help if, and as, needed is a wonderful gift to give your loved ones. But it sounds like you've crossed the line from being a caring & helpful partner to being a martyr. If this guy is driving you up the wall then it's time you were out of there. You're not doing him any good, and you're certainly not doing yourself any good. If you know all that, and it still makes sense, then don't let me be the one to discourage you. Link to post Share on other sites
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