A kissing story...with a twist

[CityBoy3161]

So, my girlfriend of a year and a half and I are in a long distance relationship. She went to high profile party a couple of weeks ago with some new friends. I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. I dont know why. Maybe paranoia..maybe skeletons in the closet. Either way...it sucked.

 

Anyway, I get a text that made no sense and I replied asking about it, and the response was basically the feeling of "No...why would you think that?". I texted several times aftewards, and got no response. Spidy sense on high alert at this point.The group went from the party to a bar and then home afterwards.

 

I spoke to my girlfriend after the party and asked what happened. In a very drunken state, I was told "nothing". Sweet. At least she got home alright and responsibly.

 

I asked the next day what happened and was told the she met a guy but reassured him that she had a boyfriend that she loved very very much. I still felt uneasy. It felt like there was something else in her that she was trying to deal with. Whatever. I let it go.

 

End of story...or so I thought.

 

Flash forward 3 weeks to this past (christmas) weekend. Spent it with her family and her friends, one of which, was at the party she had attended a few weeks back.

 

Last night we were laying in bed talking and I mentioned something completely unrelated about trust, and she turns to me and almost laughingly says "I need to tell you something because I dont know what you have heard." I say "What do you mean??" She says "I dont know if insertfriendsnamehere said something to you, but, I met this boy at the party, and he kissed me.". She breaks down and starts sobbing.

 

I asked her if she kissed him back. She says "I dont know....but I think so. I was drunk, and when someones lips are on yours, for a split second, your body goes on auto pilot..."

 

For all of my 35 years on this earth, I have never had this happen. I kiss who I choose to kiss, but, alas, we are all different, so, fair enough.

 

We talk for SEVERAL hours about the situation. I explain to her that I was not mad because some guy decided it would be a good idea to kiss her....I was upset because she repeatedly lied to me about what happened.

 

Her defense was "You asked if anything had happened, and my mind went to hooking up with someone....so in that instance....no..so that is why I did not tell you....there were no clearly defined boundries".

 

Again...thats fair.

 

However, 99% of people will tell you, if you are ever in a relationship, and something happens that makes you question whether or not you should tell your partner, one should err on the side of caution, and do it. Best case scenario, you will both get a good laugh out of it, and move on. Worse case: there will be some hurt there, and you either will, or will not move through it.

 

Then it comes out that two of the people that we went to breakfast with the other morning KNEW about what had happened. One of which was there, and the other person was her best friend. I was essentially the only person at the table that did not know. She had gone to her friends for advice about how to react to the situation.

 

Talk about adding fuel to the fire.

 

For an hour or so after that, was spent with her trying to wrap her mind around "So you are not mad that someone kissed me, but the fact that that I did not tell you about something that does not matter to you??"

 

Yes. That is exactly what I am saying. Its the principle. Something happened, you felt guilty about it, and instead of coming to the person who it would DIRECTLY affect, you went to people that would side with you.

 

It was important enough for her to mention to two other people in her life...who, by the way, ARE NOT planning on marrying her. What is so difficult about telling me? People that love each other HAVE to do that. Transparency....regardless of the amount of hurt or conflict that will come of it. We have been through worse.

 

The other hour was spent with her trying to rationalize what happened and trying to displace the situation onto me. Not a fun time. I felt so bad about being mad at her.

 

I got it. We ALL have defense mechanisms. It is the nature of the beast.

 

This morning, we get up, and talk some more. She breaks down again and begs for forgiveness and admits her faults. She drops the displacement.

 

For me, I feel like I can trust her even more because she came to me eventually and told me about the situation. She fessed up to her short comings. Good thing...right? She feels remorse about lying.

 

I tell her that I will do my best to forgive her, but in my mind, she eventually came clean....so there is not much to forgive....she just needs to come clean with me EVERY TIME. Then she says to me "Well, if you DO ask insertrandomfriendsnamehere, she may give you a different story because I dont know if I led the guy on or not".

 

Seriously?!??! WTF??

 

I dont mention this because its a dead horse by this point.

 

I dont want her to be afraid to go out in fear of having a jealous boyfriend making her feel like crap. I dont want her to feel guilty for going out dressed to the 9's, and getting attention from other people. What I do NOT want is her to feel alright with putting herself in the position to have her boundaries broken. There is a very fine line splitting "getting attention to feel attractive" and someone making the decision to impose themselves on someone else.

 

So really...what the hell am I supposed to believe? What should I do at this point?

 

Is my parinoia justified, or am I being a kid about the whole thing? Any advice form people that have been in this situation?

 

For me, the things in life most worth doing are the hardest. Its easy to love someone when things are good. Its the hard things that strenghtens bonds and builds trust. That being said...I am not going to run from this. It needs to be addressed..but I am unsure of how to go about it.

Edited December 29, 2010 by CityBoy3161

[shayan]

ligthen up a bit this is one infraction and not a major one. If you want to stay with her than you have to genuinely forgive her, otherwise you will build subconscious tension and the relatoinship will suffer and possibly end from it. Have you ever heard of self fulfilling prophecies. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive her and move on which is ok, then move on from her. That is my advice.

 

if she ever repeats this behavior move on.

[Bryanp]

The way you describe it I would guess that she is lying. I would most certainly talk to her friend. She sounds like she is in major damage control. She clearly is fearful of what the friend is going to tell you. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you have been?

 

Again talk to her friend because it seems obvious that you are going to hear another side of this story which is what your girlfriend is fearful that you will hear. It sounds like that there maybe much more to this story. I think you need to hear the full truth. I would have second thoughts about marrying someone who engages in lies of omission. Her comment that if asking if something happened meant full blown sex means anything else sexually does not mean anything to her is very troubling.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Bryanp. I think that there's more to this story and she's trying to minimize the damage. Talk to her friend and try to trip her up into spilling more information.