Losing your parents

[sam light]

I'm in my late 40's and have been able to handle all the cards, good and bad, that life has dealt me.

 

I'm close to my parents, I spent 1 Xmas away from them (emergency dictated) and I was devastated. They're in declining health. When they do pass away, I just can't imagine coping with the loss. I've been broken hearted a couple of times, but losing someone who has always been there is just an unbearable thought.

 

If you've lost your parents, how did you handle it? How did you survive/

Thank You

[quankanne]

it was hard, especially when my mom hit that point of no return and her health just kept declining. Dad had put her in a nursing home because he just couldn't care for her any longer, and I think that was the hardest because we couldn't stay in contact by phone at any hour (we were really close) the way we always had. Needless to say, the trips cross-state were always bawl-fests because I was alone and it was the "safest" time for me to grieve without an audience. In a way, her death was a release because I knew it meant she wasn't suffering anymore, but still, I missed her badly.

 

Dad moved in with us several months before he died, so I got to spend a lot of time with him, but the dynamic of our relationship was different than what I had with mom, so I felt more prepared, especially since I'd lost a parent before. I wasn't looking for him everywhere, though a lot of things remind me of him.

 

mostly, I tried to immerse myself in reading certain novels that dealt with the issue of death and loss, and certain music (Billy Joel's "Lullabye" was something I constantly listened to when Mama was dying, because the idea of love unending was so healing).

 

they say the only way around grieving is to go through it, so whatever you do, don't try to circumvent it. Cry when you need to, even if its because you're now just dealing with the idea of their loss, because it helps heal. Document your time with them through photos, through video/audio – one of my prized possessions is an old answering machine tape that has her voice on it. I've not listened to it yet, but it gives me great comfort knowing that I've got it and can "have her there" when I need her most.

 

most of all, create memories with them that you can pull out like gems from a chest, memories that will make you smile and laugh and basically rejoice in what you with them, because even if they make you cry, it's still good because it's *them* ... don't ever let your relationship with them hit the point where you regretted not doing something with or for them.

 

the biggest lesson I've learned? That they live on in all the people who've ever met them, who've ever shared their stories with you about your parents; they live on in each new generation of the family. My oldest grandniece has my mother's face and her quietly wicked sense of humor, another niece has my dad's artistic sense, while the boys tend to be impish just like him. And it's really something to behold.

[denise_xo]

I'm in my late 40's and have been able to handle all the cards, good and bad, that life has dealt me.

 

I'm close to my parents, I spent 1 Xmas away from them (emergency dictated) and I was devastated. They're in declining health. When they do pass away, I just can't imagine coping with the loss. I've been broken hearted a couple of times, but losing someone who has always been there is just an unbearable thought.

 

If you've lost your parents, how did you handle it? How did you survive/

Thank You

 

I've never been close to my parents like you are, so my situation was a bit different. But in spite of that, one thing that was very soothing to me was to just be able to be there with my father when he was ill and also when he died. Time spent with a person who is dying is just different somehow - perhaps the closeness and intimacy that one often experiences during those times will be something that can help you through the mourning that will follow.

[turnstone]

The greatest gift we can give our parents is to out live them.

 

No matter how bad the pain, far better that than their pain at losing you.

[denise_xo]

The greatest gift we can give our parents is to out live them.

 

No matter how bad the pain, far better that than their pain at losing you.

 

This is really true. One of my family members has lost two out of three children. Broke her heart.

[sam light]

Thanks to each of you. I've learned a couple of things to keep in mind.

I have this fear that I'll melt down to the point of being a non productive drain on society. Or will never regain my path in life.

[TaraMaiden]

I posted this on another forum.

I hope it helps.

 

My father, as some of you may know, has been unwell for some considerable time, and an elderly and frail man.

I have repeatedly over the last two years or so, asked my mother whether she needed me to go over to be with them at any time. They live in Italy, you see, and I am UK-based, and frankly, money is very tight.

She always declined the offer, because "well, if you come over, then you go home, and then I need you to come over again...It's not worth it...."

 

On the 15th of October 2010, I asked her again, if I needed to go over to be with her, and to help in any way.

This time, she responded with, "Yes....perhaps it would be a good thing if you came over....."

I flew out on the 17th.

 

My father passed away in the early hours of Thursday October 28th, at home, in his own bed, with my mother and me at his bedside.

 

It had not been a comfortable, peaceful or restful night, and there was some distress on his part during the hours before he died.

But it was almost as if some...being, or essence, was slowly travelling up his body, from his feet, mindfully and gently flicking all the switches to 'off' until, at 6.45am, he seemed to say "This is the last switch, ok?, and I'm about to flick it"....and then he was just...... gone.

 

Things happen very quickly in Italy, and funerals generally take place the following day, but those responsible were more than happy to delay things a further 24 hours to permit my two brothers to join us.

The Funeral took place on Saturday 30th, and the church was packed to overflowing.

The service was simple, the music breathtakingly appropriate, and the experience moving, but neither maudlin nor morose.

I read a brief précis my mother had written, on his 90 years of life, (how do you condense a life well-lived for nearly a century, onto two A4 sheets of paper?) then ended with an anecdote of an incident which had always made me smile wryly, but which in re-telling, made everyone laugh, and applaud.... Italians like applauding....

 

I had wondered, in these two past years, just how well my Buddhist study, understanding and acceptance of Attachment/Detachment would actually 'serve' me when it came to the crunch.

I mean, it's all well and good speaking of attachment and detachment, and understanding what it entails, and accepting the premise of the Buddha's wisdom therein, but I mean.... actually ''doing' it....? How's that going to work, really? I mean.... really?

 

It worked.

 

I shed natural tears, and felt some nostalgia and sentimentality, and knew then, how much I would miss him, but all in all, I actually felt an overwhelming peace and acceptance.

 

During the night of his dying, I kept stroking his head, and telling him to 'let go, it's fine, just relax and let it go'.... and I'd like to think he heard me, and complied, but of course, it may just be fanciful wishful-thinking to believe it so....

But it all felt absolutely right.

Both my brothers fell to pieces, but I put this down to the fact that they had not been present to witness his gradual, inexorable but actually fairly rapid decline.

They both said, however, that they marvelled at how strong I was, and how supportive and compassionate I had been.

I didn't feel this at all. I just felt that things were as they were, because that's the way they were.

 

So all I would say, is this:

Keep studying attachment and detachment. absorb all you can, and really get to grips with it.

Acceptance of things as they are, is big, in this.

And know and love all those around you, who will probably not have got it quite as deeply as you, and will be the ones in need of support, compassion, a shoulder to lean on and an arm to cling to.

THEY'RE the ones who will need you.

And don't try to explain, elaborate, clarify or give opinion.

Just be there.

because that's just the way things are.