sock Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 My girlfriend told me last night that in the first month of the relationship she had sex with her ex. She then continued to say that twice more they had planned on it but the plans didn't work out. I've really opened myself up to this girl. I'm in love with her and its really killing me. Everything around me reminds me of her in one way or another and everytime i think of her it hurts. I was raised with the idea of unconditional love. I forgive without ever thinking about it and once its behind me its forgotten. This is the one thing that i begged her not to do to me. She said that she was confused about how i felt and she still liked her ex and if she feels that way so be it. What gets to me more is that even when she said she liked me and she was happy she planned on cheating on me twice more. What do i do? It hurts because i love her and i am depressed about not only the situation but the fact that i've already forgiven her to myself but i can't let something like that go unchecked. I've never cheated on anyone else. Mentally, emotionally or physically so i don't understand where she came from on this. It was out of nowhere and i'm hurt and cunfused. Does anyone have Any idea of what i should do or can do?
dyermaker Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Infidelity is difficult, especially if you love the person. Infidelity is explicit, it clearly draws a line between you and your partner, in terms of how you value your relationship. There are several issues with you. Firstly, you forgive without thinking about it? What the hell does that mean? "Unconditional love", as we're debating in another thread, is VERY dangerous if this is how you perceive it. You cannot let the fact that you love unconditionally impair you from your CLEAR emotional need for conditions. Stop forgiving with your mouth what you're not forgiving with your heart. It's almost like the "I'm sorry" syndrome, which I suspect you might have as well. Whenever some conflict arises, you yell, "I'm sorry"--rather than address it. Similarly, whenever there is an indiscretion on behalf of your partner, you cannot let it go unless you're truly okay with it. A relationship without communication is not a relationship, it's just a convenient situation.
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 She doesn't seem too concerned with your feelings if she's got an attitude of "get over it and deal with it." I would seriously consider re evaluating your relationship with her. She did this right in the beginning...not a very good way to start things off, IMO.
Author sock Posted March 17, 2004 Author Posted March 17, 2004 The issue that bugs me most is not that she cheated but tried doing it twice again. As for forgiving, yes i've forgiven her. The struggle i'm facing to be the most difficult is learning to set boundries and conditions, like you said. I don't understand completely how conditions work along with forgiveness. I don't want to let it just go because as humans i think she'd subconsciously feel that she could do it again and get away with it. I don't want a pattern to start. I look more deeply now to see if its already been started though. I'm debating with myself where i should draw the line and stop forgiving and save-self as apposed to giving a second chance.
overseas2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 I tried to forgive someone for cheating on me once. I got back together with him after a month and half of a break. I called him up and said... Ok I will give you another chance. I love you etc.. Truth was I couldn't do it. I ended up feeling frustrated, unloved, and always worried that he was going to do it again. Our relationship became a nightmare. So while I wanted to forgive ... my subconsious would not let me.
Fedup&givingup Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Sock, save self. This relationship is TOO new with not a whole lot of investment in it. You say yourself it's the fact that she tried to cheat two other times...that's all you need then to get OUT of this before you get more involved with her, and it becomes more difficult and tangled to detach. These are issues she's got, you shouldn't have them. I know that sounds blunt and very simplified (I know it's not, because there are real feelings involved). Just look at it like you should not have to be made to suffer because she's got her own agenda and other issues. You sound like one of the "good" guys, so why try to make something work with someone like her? You can do much better.
BklynGuy Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 Sock, I agree with Fedup&giving up on this one. The fact that she cheated in the beginning is an indicator. The fact that you forgave and stuck around is a bigger one. I was with a girl like yours, except she would never admit cheating outright. We had a long-term relationship and she would drop hints & clues here & there. I knew it but didn't acknowledge it. The signs were there from early on...the way she'd look at other guys, things she'd say....Eventually, she messed around & left when I confronted her. There are girls that will treat you the right way. You deserve better than her, remember that sometimes you have to save yourself.
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