The 4 stages of an Affair

[East7]

This is an interesting timeline. I'm currently in an affair that started 6 months ago. OM and I know we can't be together forever. He is separated but not divorced. We both have two kids. I keep hoping it will "fizzle out" because I don't want this and I cry a lot. I just want my life back when my only love was my husband. I never thought I could love another man like I do OM. I hate this situation and I guess I'm scared to make the choice to stop seeing OM. I need to grow a pair. There is no quick fix or easy way out when emotions are involved. 6 months is already way longer than I ever imagined this lasting.

 

The bad news is : when there are feelings involved there is no easy way out, whatever you'll do someone will get hurt, you, your H, your OM, or the OM's wife...

The good news is that oneday you'll see the fog lifted and you will probably decide - like most of MW - to work on your M instead. But i doesn't "fizzle" overnight, it will be a gradual process.

 

The timeline may vary depending how your addiction is high and irresistible. But I think the day your H may discover your A, you will chicken out and you'll be afraid of the D. Most of the time the MAP aren't mentally prepared to the Dday conflict.

 

Okay I'm doing very strong statements but these are the usual patterns.

[Tashcw]

East thanks for the information. I didn't realize the typical affair lasted two years. That seems like such a long time. Is that time line still true for those who choose to divorce and begin an open relationship with their OW?

 

Hi, I can't claim this to be spot on as I can't remember where I read it, or how valid the survey was, but I do remember reading that statistically, the MP who leave their marriage do so within the first 6 months of the affair, and even then the affair relationship has only a 4% chance of turning into a second marriage.

 

Not exactly positive, but from knowing other people, and seeing posts on here, that sounds about right to me!

[Spark1111]

The bad news is : when there are feelings involved there is no easy way out, whatever you'll do someone will get hurt, you, your H, your OM, or the OM's wife...

The good news is that oneday you'll see the fog lifted and you will probably decide - like most of MW - to work on your M instead. But i doesn't "fizzle" overnight, it will be a gradual process.

 

The timeline may vary depending how your addiction is high and irresistible. But I think the day your H may discover your A, you will chicken out and you'll be afraid of the D. Most of the time the MAP aren't mentally prepared to the Dday conflict.

 

Okay I'm doing very strong statements but these are the usual patterns.

 

I find this very insightful, but not for the reasons you may think.

 

I believe the MAP almost NEVER intends to leave the marriage, but needs to tell the AP something, anything, to keep the drama and forbidden quality of the illicit affair alive...the pining...yearning...fated quality fuels passion...

 

Tell me what you need and I will be whomever you want me to be....

 

Because often, the BS upon discovery, goes bat#*&! crazy, throws the WS out, blah, blah, blah...and there is a window, a true window of opportunity to go be with their soulmate.

 

But it is rare, very rare, that it happens.

 

Going to work on your marriage is what most APs hear...and that is just laughable to me that one person intends to work on a relationship without the participation of their kept-in-the-dark spouse.

 

So what has truly changed? Nothing. They just selfishly discarded the AP and returned to the same loveless (or so they claimed) marriage they were always in with the same spouse!

 

Selfish, selfish, selfish....

[Spark1111]

Thank you for your acknowledgement:) I have imagined that high drama and push and pull is what keeps longer term affairs going after the initial infatuation stage wears off. because of my culture I have seen uncles who carry on that scenario. They have long term mistresses and terbulant relationships. They just love the drama.

 

I think many affair partners ultimately understand the relationship is burning out after the 2-3 year mark. Right about the time infatuation burns out. If they get toghether life would just become ordinary again PLUS they would have to give up a lifestyle they are used to. Losing proposition for many(I do acknowledge there are a few AP that get together after 3 years successfully)They are not ready to let go of the drama. In fact many get addicted to it. What better way to rile the passion back up . Keep the longing,pining,roller coaster ride going on.

 

Absolutely perfect assessment for the necessary and continued creation of drama needed to fuel the affair.

 

Unfortunately, another common theme that so fuels emotional drama is my spouse is mean to me! My spouse can never love me like you do!

 

It helps to have or create a common enemy APs can quietly despise or feel so superior to, but be truly helpless to do anything about, other than to quietly compete and be the "better" partner.....out of true love.

[findingnemo]

In my culture and family, I have seen a lot of affars. My take is stage 4 can be prolonged. Depending on how empty the affair partners are. One they pass the 2 year mark and are still together, they will recreate drama to get back to romance and passion.

 

How? Everytime the affair is begining to get boring one of the affair partners will rile things up. usually the AP will do this by telling MP they are going off to lead their lives because they are sick of being affair person. But this will include drama. "You will always be the love of my life"."I will never forget you". MP will do this by saying they have to give marriage another shot for the sake of the kids. Same drama. " I will never feel this way about my spouse" "you are my soulmate sob,sob". We must never talk again.

 

All this sobbing and crying, all of the talk of longing and being a martyr creates further drama. More longing,more fntasy. more distance to recreate the passion.Now these two feel special. they will not be forgotten and someone on this earth will pine for them forever. how flattering to their low self esteem.

 

but they know next birthday,holiday,Valentine's day,groundhog day or whatever the hell day it is, they can have an excuse for one of them to touch base and break no contact . Then the drama starts again for a bit,till it begins to get boring and tedious again. then break-up,make-up cycle continues. It can continue to 5 years the more pitiful,self absorbed and codependent the Affair partners are.

 

Wow, this sounds like a lot of MAPs I know. There always seems to be a break. MM or MW sort of disappears for a while claiming to be busy but the fact is that they are just bored. During this time MM/MW is particularly attentive to the BS.

 

I know because my H was cheating from day one. At first I thought he was manic depressive or something. He would be super attentive for a month and then switch off completely for 2 weeks. After the first year, a friend told me about the OWs and so I started monitoring him and noticed the hours he came home and how much time we spent together. I never confronted him about the OWs. I didn't care. I was actually quite grateful to them since I never married for love. They were helping me with my duties and I had a home, a husband and a father for the children. Needless to say, the sham of a relationship degenerated into something terrible. But I found jlola's post to be true in my case.

[jlola]

Wow, this sounds like a lot of MAPs I know. There always seems to be a break. MM or MW sort of disappears for a while claiming to be busy but the fact is that they are just bored. During this time MM/MW is particularly attentive to the BS.

 

I know because my H was cheating from day one. At first I thought he was manic depressive or something. He would be super attentive for a month and then switch off completely for 2 weeks. After the first year, a friend told me about the OWs and so I started monitoring him and noticed the hours he came home and how much time we spent together. I never confronted him about the OWs. I didn't care. I was actually quite grateful to them since I never married for love. They were helping me with my duties and I had a home, a husband and a father for the children. Needless to say, the sham of a relationship degenerated into something terrible. But I found jlola's post to be true in my case.

 

 

Affairs are all about drama and longing. This is why I believe most MP having affairs never leave the marriage. If they left the marriage, then what?

 

Mp having affairs are quite cocky. A friend who'se husband was having an affair said the same. She could tell when he and AP where seeing each other because he would treat her bad. When they were on break, he was attentive and trying to make marriage work.

 

Single people in affairs think MP a challenge because they will put them on IGNORE everytime the married person feels AP is putting pressure on them.

 

This sets AP to become insecure and accept behavior they never would with a single man or woman. They are afraid if they get out of line, MP will run back to spouse.

 

Pretty empty situation to be in. We all know how giving pellets to lab rats intermittently condition them to salivate and concentrate on object. Very same way AP dangle the carrot. "Now you can have me" but "Now you cannot". That can drive any normal person insane.

 

"You are the love of my life, will never forget you" " I have to go try to work on my marriage" The affair never ending Merry go round.

 

I sometimes wonder how empty and immature one must be not to see what is going on.

[crazyizzy]

this is very interesting discussion. i found myself being the OW unexpectedly. it's been going on for 5 yrs, the first three were just physical. MM came and went as he pleased. MM wasn't getting any sex from BW for 5 yrs at the point we met. i was going thru a divorce, what a perfect combo. lol. i knew from day one he wasn't leaving his M.

the last two yrs we got really closed, because he told me the dreaded words "i love you." and has not left the picture. it's been an emotional roller coaster. we get closed, he feels guilty because he's neglecting his BW and kids, so he pulls back...

[Emme]

An affair can last for decades. Depends on the people.

[bentnotbroken]

An affair can last for decades. Depends on the people.

 

 

True and very sad.

[half_ofa_heart]

Affairs are all about drama and longing. This is why I believe most MP having affairs never leave the marriage. If they left the marriage, then what?

 

Mp having affairs are quite cocky. A friend who'se husband was having an affair said the same. She could tell when he and AP where seeing each other because he would treat her bad. When they were on break, he was attentive and trying to make marriage work.

 

Single people in affairs think MP a challenge because they will put them on IGNORE everytime the married person feels AP is putting pressure on them.

 

This sets AP to become insecure and accept behavior they never would with a single man or woman. They are afraid if they get out of line, MP will run back to spouse.

 

Pretty empty situation to be in. We all know how giving pellets to lab rats intermittently condition them to salivate and concentrate on object. Very same way AP dangle the carrot. "Now you can have me" but "Now you cannot". That can drive any normal person insane.

 

"You are the love of my life, will never forget you" " I have to go try to work on my marriage" The affair never ending Merry go round.

 

I sometimes wonder how empty and immature one must be not to see what is going on.

 

Wow! I have NEVER seen it worded this way. It is very simple yet we are so blinded by it all. I supposed what blinds us is our NEED to really believe we are loved. We hang on to every word, every gesture, in hopes that it means we really are loved.

 

For most, we wouldn't know love if it slapped us in the face so this A, is really the closest thing to what we "believe" love should be. I'm probably just speaking for myself but...

[Emme]

True and very sad.

 

 

Yup! What I wouldn't give for some Vitamin D right now.

[ooPiaoo]

In my culture and family, I have seen a lot of affars. My take is stage 4 can be prolonged. Depending on how empty the affair partners are. One they pass the 2 year mark and are still together, they will recreate drama to get back to romance and passion.

 

How? Everytime the affair is begining to get boring one of the affair partners will rile things up. usually the AP will do this by telling MP they are going off to lead their lives because they are sick of being affair person. But this will include drama. "You will always be the love of my life"."I will never forget you". MP will do this by saying they have to give marriage another shot for the sake of the kids. Same drama. " I will never feel this way about my spouse" "you are my soulmate sob,sob". We must never talk again.

 

All this sobbing and crying, all of the talk of longing and being a martyr creates further drama. More longing,more fntasy. more distance to recreate the passion.Now these two feel special. they will not be forgotten and someone on this earth will pine for them forever. how flattering to their low self esteem.

 

but they know next birthday,holiday,Valentine's day,groundhog day or whatever the hell day it is, they can have an excuse for one of them to touch base and break no contact . Then the drama starts again for a bit,till it begins to get boring and tedious again. then break-up,make-up cycle continues. It can continue to 5 years the more pitiful,self absorbed and codependent the Affair partners are.

 

Wow, this is incredibly insightful in a lot of ways even though my gut instinct is to think "Hell no, ours is so much different"....Thanks for posting this, I'm going to have to think about it.

[East7]

Single people in affairs think MP a challenge because they will put them on IGNORE everytime the married person feels AP is putting pressure on them.

 

True. They consider pressure something that would be very logical in a normal relationship: stop being cake-eater! When you ask them to leave their spouses, you are the "crazy" one..How did you dare?

 

This sets AP to become insecure and accept behavior they never would with a single man or woman. They are afraid if they get out of line, MP will run back to spouse.

That maybe true, not in my case though...I was like "good luck with your H"

It is not the behavior but rather the words being told to the AP. The MPs are very creative in finding excuses why they aren't moving.

 

"You are the love of my life, will never forget you" " I have to go try to work on my marriage" The affair never ending Merry go round.

 

I sometimes wonder how empty and immature one must be not to see what is going on.

Everytime the MP sees the AP slipping away they will dangle all the stock of carrots, they can't stand the idea to stop cake eating because they want everything !

 

You are right, some people will be caught in a unhealthy cycle in stage #4.

 

It is a vicious cycle, the affair destroys their self-esteem and the smallest carrot they receive they get happy with crumbs, then they get dumped one more time causing self-esteem to sink even more, then longing for another carrot and they can be happy with it. This can happen for years, but I said A last in average 2 years because most of the persons (luckily) find the strength to stop the cycle.