jonesec Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I have been dating my BF for 5 years, starting when I was 17. This is such a young age, and I feel like I am completely different (obviously) now. The conundrum is that I have only known life with this guy for the last 5 years, so the thought of breaking up and moving out on my own is terrifying. I need it, I need to be able to breath on my own, but I have no idea how to handle rent, family life, etc, without his help. At this point, I feel like i'm using him for his conveniences rather that our love. I have a lot of love and respect for him, but I feel deep down that if I don't experience things for my self, I am going to continue to be rushed into a committed domestic relationship that will lead to a mid life crisis in ten years. I just hate being torn between two thoughts: we break up and I fulfill my inner confidence, or we break up and things suck and he won't take me back. I would hate to put our families and ourselves through a breakup anyway. I am mostly scared of how it would make him feel, and how it would make him feel towards me. I don't want him to hate me or be sad, but that's exactly what would happen. How do I overcome that fear to do what's best for me?
Karma20 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Sometimes people out grow each other. Seems you guys grew up together and grew apart. You could see if taking some space from him would help you clear your head and see what you want. If you know you're not in love with him you have to let him go. He' going to be sad of course but I think leading someone is the worst thing you can do to someone.
D78 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 It's going to be hard, but you owe it to the guy to at least tell him what you are feeling. You may be lucky and find he is feeling the same thing. You may break his heart. You may realize you want to stay with him. You will never know until you talk to him. You say you have love and respect for the guy - remember this when you tell him what you're experiencing. Don't try to blame him. Don't get mad if he gets mad at you. All you can do is calmly explain your needs and apologize for hurting him. If you truly love and respect him, you won't stay with him out of convenience. Good luck!
AbsoluteSucker Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 My girlfriend did the same thing to me or at least she said the same thing to me. She was worried about depending on me 100% and needed to prove to herself that she could live independently and be less dependent on me for everything. She was worried that if she didn't do it at this stage of her life then she would go through something similar at 35 or 40 years old and it would be even more of a disaster. Like I said that's what she said, but it's impossible to know whether someone is feeding you bulls*it or being perfectly honest. I don't know exactly how to advise you, it would almost be easier advising him on what to do, because I would understand his situation better than yours. When I first saw your post I thought I could be of some help, but I don't know if I can. Are you looking to make things easier for yourself or for him? Your struggle is going to be that you're not in a relationship anymore, so you shouldn't be thinking like you're still a couple, but if you only think about yourself you're probably going to make him upset with you. My first recommendation would be not to see anybody right away, because that is going to make p*ss him off, if he isn't already and didn't want the break up in the first place. I wish I could be more help. It's important to do what makes you happy, and for some people that's being in a relationship and for others its being single for a while. It's tough, because if you break up, it may not work out as you hope, but if this truly important than you got to do it. I'm probably too close to the situation to offer good advise, but you will have "the power" initially after the break up and just think carefully about your decisions before you do anything that could jeopardize any future relationship you want to have with him. Just from my experience...either he'll stop talking to you completely after the break up or his emotions may be get the best of him and he may do some unflattering things to try and get you back and make this work, just don't hold it against him, it can be tough going for guys sometimes when they love someone.
Author jonesec Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 Thanks. My biggest concern is making him feel like he did something wrong or that he isn't up to par. I don't want him doubting himself at all. I just want to understand who I am rather than who I am around him. I think that all the problems between us derive from this problem. We haven't been intimate in two months, and we both have unflattering habits of putting each other down when we are upset about something. All I feel is utter frustration.
AbsoluteSucker Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Well, you have to talk to him about this and communicate how you are feeling. It will be a huge relief to the both of you to air out your concerns and issues. Don't say you want to break up the first time you talk about this, just tell him how you are feeling and see how the conversation goes. You've been together a long time, don't make any rash decisions involving your relationship. The reason most people get hurt is because you've been thinking about this for a while and if it comes out of the blue, its a shock to the system and its all downhill from there. Have multiple conversations on the subject over a period of time and try not to let the emotions of the situation get the better of you two. Just my two cents.
D78 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 The reason most people get hurt is because you've been thinking about this for a while and if it comes out of the blue, its a shock to the system and its all downhill from there. The only thing worse than hearing that your SO is thinking of leaving you is hearing that your SO has known this for some time and didn't tell you. Not communicating your feelings to your boyfriend will probably make him feel like he did something wrong, feel that he isn't up to par, and doubt himself. He might think you didn't even care enough to talk to him about your feelings. If you tell him your feelings in a calm manner at least he has a chance to process the information. He already knows something is wrong, as you both put each other down when angry... Good luck.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I have been dating my BF for 5 years, starting when I was 17. This is such a young age, and I feel like I am completely different (obviously) now. The conundrum is that I have only known life with this guy for the last 5 years, so the thought of breaking up and moving out on my own is terrifying. I need it, I need to be able to breath on my own, but I have no idea how to handle rent, family life, etc, without his help. At this point, I feel like i'm using him for his conveniences rather that our love. I have a lot of love and respect for him, but I feel deep down that if I don't experience things for my self, I am going to continue to be rushed into a committed domestic relationship that will lead to a mid life crisis in ten years. I just hate being torn between two thoughts: we break up and I fulfill my inner confidence, or we break up and things suck and he won't take me back. I would hate to put our families and ourselves through a breakup anyway. I am mostly scared of how it would make him feel, and how it would make him feel towards me. I don't want him to hate me or be sad, but that's exactly what would happen. How do I overcome that fear to do what's best for me? Y'know, it's all about how much value you get out of your continuous personal/emotional investment IN your boyfriend. Were that unimportant you'd be able to upgrade to a better model each time you went to a ball game or joined a crowd of any sort. I CAN appreciate how IF you don't find yourself thrust out there into the deep end of life's pool, that you won't have full perspective by which to assess your relationship with your guy. However, you don't really indicate anything truly wrong about "him" which would justify your leaving him. When I was growing up there was a girl 2 doors down and a guy 3 doors down, and we were all friends, but the two of them began dating sometime around age 16-17, and now they're 50-ish and still married with 4 kids. They've never reeeeeeeeeeally dated anyone else seriously, and so what if they don't know what that would be like. It's all about how you feel about your emotional investment IN that other person! Were it not, then people would just swap partners left and right merely because somebody had bigger boobs or whatever. SO, you can jump ship right now, and even if you start dating a prince tomorrow, you'll only have known him a year come 12 months from now. The other possibility is to stay with your guy and suddenly have 6 years together behind your relationship in 12 months. If you want to know how it might feel to grab somebody else's butt... then go ahead, break up with your guy. Ten years from now, during that mid-life crisis, and regardless of who you're with at the time, you'll still have much more regard/envy for relationships of greater longevity vs. those that are new.
PowerOfOne Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 The only thing worse than hearing that your SO is thinking of leaving you is hearing that your SO has known this for some time and didn't tell you. Ain't that the truth.
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