September Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I saw this link on another forum today and found it to be rather interesting. Thoughts anyone??? I hope I am allowed to post it here... http://www.lostlovers.com/lets-talk-again-a-month-from-now-affair-partners-why-no-contact-doesnt-work-and-makes-things-worse/
jj33 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 That is interesting. I think its a different type of NC. Its a temporary NC which is bound to cause difficulties. They say when you stop smoking cutting down is harder than quitting cold turkey because if you keep the nicotine in your system you find yourself waiting for the next hit. Not that relationships are like nicotine but the insecure attachment is similar. Its an intermittent chance to reconnect. I think what people are generally advocating here is an NC that is permanent and so is like going cold turkey which is what the author says is backed up by research. So I dont see any inconsistency. The whole thing just really sucks. The attachment can linger for years for no reason whatsoever and for no good if the married person isnt willing to change their circumstances. I dont regret the time we spent together but if I had know what the aftermath would be like I would never have done it. Its like being haunted by a living ghost.
Karma20 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I read the article and it seems to apply mostly to marriages with affairs.
Author September Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 The whole thing just really sucks. The attachment can linger for years for no reason whatsoever and for no good if the married person isnt willing to change their circumstances. Yep, spot on! I know how difficult it has been for me not having any contact but that was not my choice. How on earth does the WS that is reconciling go through their life still supposedly harbouring feelings for their AP though? I imagine it's easier to just try and forget but the innermost feelings would be so hard to surpress most of the time.
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 NC is a condition often imposed by spouses who want to reconcile following an affair. If the WS is just playing lip service to it, of course it won't work. Unless.....it is truly NC, which is rare. And if it is not, get the hell out of my house and go live with your soulmate until to are finally ready to make a choice or at least be respectful. But I do agree how addictive light contact could be. I could not have light contact with heroin, now could I? I'd have to be ready for cold turkey.
Author September Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 I could not have light contact with heroin, now could I? I'd have to be ready for cold turkey. The only thing I have a lot of light contact with these days is a BIG glass of wine! And I ain't giving that up!
calliope Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I dont regret the time we spent together but if I had know what the aftermath would be like I would never have done it. Its like being haunted by a living ghost. Me too...
East7 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Interesting ! 1- IMO the author speaks more about the symptoms of NC rather than WHY people go NC. AP goes NC because AP wants to move on/ get over married AP. WS goes NC because WS decided to work on the marriage. My xMW broke NC and everytime our communication got worse. We begin happy to talk to each-other then we ended up fighting, she asking me to stay friends but then starting flirting and me telling her there is no way we can stay friends. 2- The author speaks more about the WS than the AP as breaking NC is a danger to work with the marriage, that seems obvious, though my xMW sounded like trying hard to be a good wife with her H and keeping touch with me - to me it sounded like she wanted to keep the A as EA for the future (talented cake-eater) but I had no will to keep myself in limbo for her. It was toxic and made me miserable. The state of withdrawal is real but it lasts depending the person. Some get over really quickly, others may spend months or more than 1 year. I have also heard stories when WS ended divorced, resumed contact with AP, but the AP had already moved on with someone else. Too bad for the WS
bentnotbroken Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I read that article and most of the rest of the stuff on her site. Some was interesting and some I would like to research a little more.
Spark1111 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 The only thing I have a lot of light contact with these days is a BIG glass of wine! And I ain't giving that up! Amen to that sister!
Spark1111 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Interesting ! 1- IMO the author speaks more about the symptoms of NC rather than WHY people go NC. AP goes NC because AP wants to move on/ get over married AP. WS goes NC because WS decided to work on the marriage. My xMW broke NC and everytime our communication got worse. We begin happy to talk to each-other then we ended up fighting, she asking me to stay friends but then starting flirting and me telling her there is no way we can stay friends. 2- The author speaks more about the WS than the AP as breaking NC is a danger to work with the marriage, that seems obvious, though my xMW sounded like trying hard to be a good wife with her H and keeping touch with me - to me it sounded like she wanted to keep the A as EA for the future (talented cake-eater) but I had no will to keep myself in limbo for her. It was toxic and made me miserable. The state of withdrawal is real but it lasts depending the person. Some get over really quickly, others may spend months or more than 1 year. I have also heard stories when WS ended divorced, resumed contact with AP, but the AP had already moved on with someone else. Too bad for the WS My H did resume LC with his OW, but I just somehow just knew it: He was instantly cold and hostile towards me, as if I had ruined a party for him. So, I threw him out many, many times. Which was not such a bad thing as he went and lived with her full-time for several weeks, he later told me. And it really, really burst his bubble when it WASN'T illicit, forbidden, and unrequieted......no more exciting drama, just the day in, day out normalcy of a relationship. And suddenly with clarity, he finally saw all the relationship was not. She did call him on two occasions and I went ballistic; one was when I was sitting right next to him on the couch, and I said let's just call her back now and she what the issue is. He started to dissemble. He told her no more calls, never, and she was the one who was heartbroken that they could no longer be "friends." But if he hadn't initiated NC on his own, willingly, it wouldn't have worked for us and I was so ready to respect that. The confusion was all his, truly. Poor me! Poor her!
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